Enjoy the 20%

My regular dance instructor is back from vacation. I have been missing him for two weeks. He has an amazing attitude about life. He will always answer "fantastic" to the question of how he is. Because he's always fantastic it's the rest of the world that changes from day to day. He also says that life is 80% miserable stuff that happens to you and 20% great stuff and you can spend your life complaining about the bad or you can enjoy the 20%.

He gave me a tough lesson today. I won't lie that I was feeling good today. I had an impromptu session with SOG. We are really starting to perfect the tricks in my solo routine, and he says once I'm down solid I'll be ready to do regular shows with him (take that J and B!). Obviously I've got serious work to do to improve my dancing, but I thought I'd made good progress. And I did make good progress with my regular instructor too, but he has the knack for saying the right thing that makes me want to break down in tears with 'but I though ...". Part of it is that I have always been an intellectual person. So now I am trying to learn to make my body do things it has never done and that I have never thought about making it do. I am also trying to make it do things that in ordinary every day life we just don't do. The moves in ballroom/latin dancing are more sensual and romantic than any booty dancing bump & grind in a club could ever be. I have to break the mental barrier, stop analyzing the how of it and just go by feel. Yeah it feels like I'm moving too much, but in dance reality it's barely enough. But at the end he says he wants to take me to do a showcase in the summer in another town about two hours away from here.

So all the shit with J might be what I consider to be the 80%, but I'm choosing to revel in the fact that two dancers who are leagues ahead of J in ability want me to dance with them. It may only be 20% but it's a good 20%.

The hits keep on comin'

I went to a birthday party for another girl I dance with on Saturday. We had a big snow storm, but I missed the bulk of it by staying in doors eating, drinking and dancing with my friends.

The best part of saturday day night was getting to know the Birthday Girl. We've danced together on the team for a couple of months, but I've never gotten to hang out with her much. The next part was dancing - she and I totally tore up the floor alternating between booty dancing and leading each other, and then dancing with SOG. He came with his new almost girlfriend, but this time it didn't stop him from dancing with us. This wasn't one of our regular dancing places with a crowd of dancers who aren't that impressed with good dancers because the place is 75% good dancers, or at least dance lovers. This was a martini bar that had a dance floor. So many people were asking where we learned to dance, and what studio we danced at. He was dipping us, dropping us, everything short of full on tricks and lifts. Then I drove the B-day Girl home and we talked some more while she sobered up. It was a really fun time.

Earlier in the night I called B to find out if she was coming. I had a feeling she was dancing with J, but she hadn't said as much, and another of our girlfriends thought she was coming, so I called. No, I was right she was dancing with J and then she was going to go home to her boyfriend.

Last night I find out that no, she didn't go home to her boyfriend's she went out dancing with J.

How did I find out? B-day Girl and I were raving about how much fun we had with SOG, his new girl, and the others at the bar, we talked about how he danced with us. And B chimes in with "oh yeah, that's what J and I did." And went on about how the crowd loved it etc.

I seriously wonder about her sometimes. She dances with all of these guys and hardly any of them know she has a serious boyfriend. She admits to being over-the-top flirtatious when she dances - she's been kissed twice by guys on the dance floor - and in the past it has gotten her into trouble with her boyfriend. It makes me seriously doubt her feelings for this guy or at least wonder if he's not just some comfort zone from which she can tease all these guys.

And even as I type this I am wondering why do I care? because I'm jealous. 'cuz the guys do want her, 'cuz J wants her and one of these days I'm expecting her to come back with a story about J kissing her on the dance floor like he did me. Or worse finding out that she's ruined things with her boyfriend for J - chosen J over the bf over our friendship.

The World as I know it

Wow. I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted. Stuff has been going on, but I've been in a funk lately. Which I suppose is the natural outcome of being pushed out of one's job and not getting the one hoped for. I'm sitting in an apartment I can't afford with a hobby I can't afford and no job prospects on the horizon.

To make matters worse my dancing world is also going topsy turvy. A few weeks ago I was in the middle of my private lesson when who do I see walk into the dance studio? BMG. At first I thought I was imagining things, but that was not the case. She was there, and she was there to stay. For two weeks she was there every day I was. The second week she was helping out behind the reception desk and the owner was talking like she already had a job lined up there doing sales. I managed to admit to my instructor that I had a jealousy issue with her, and that seems to have helped. I don't think that we can be friends but, at least I don't really hate her. The fact that he did say that she was a better dancer than me probably helped - odd I know. But he's my dance guru so there is not more hiding from the truth there - that and the fact that he said he was also positive that I am smarter. That just makes me smile.

I did a performance two weeks ago and it went horribly. For one most of the other girls ditched so there were only two of us. But to make matters worse. I discovered that my good friend B, was not skipping because of work like she originally said. She was skipping because she is now one of J's dance partners and she had a performance for that. Two actually.

I handled the news well for a few days. I saw B on Tuesday for a lesson with SOG and we made plans to work out together Wednesday morning. I was even nice enough to ask how the performances went even though she hadn't told me about them a another girl had. She jabbered away about being nervous etc. We talked about J as a dancer. The thing is that I've given B the short version of what happened with J and I. How I admitted to feelings for him and he just "wanted to have fun" and now ignores me. But she can be friends with who ever she wants, but I'm having a hard time not feeling betrayed.

I did fine until that night. We went out dancing and I don't know what she said as we were leaving, but I got home and sobbed my eyes out. I don't know if is the fact that she was going to be dancing with him again today, or that she got kissed on the dance floor by some other guy that made me realize she's infinitely more wanted than me. It just broke my heart the idea of them dancing together. I just sobbed and sobbed for knowing that no matter how good of a dancer I might become, I will never be good enough for J to ask me to be his partner.

And then Thursday came. I was puffy eyed and exhausted from crying myself to sleep, but felt a little better. It isn't as if I ever had to see them together. She knows I don't like going out to that club. Except that I was wrong.

I had a hair appointment right before another joint private with B and SOG. I had been wanting a change for a while - depression does that to me. Usually it's a guy, but not having a job and being turned down for the job I wanted counts. So she gave me what I wanted - something totally different. It was actually to the point where people didn't recognize me. At rehearsal after our lesson one girl thought I was a new member. At the club later I had my regular partners not asking me to dance and guys that don't generally ask me asking me.

I felt fantastic like I was the belle of the ball - cinderella but with out the curfew. Unfortunately I was wrong about the whole not seeing J and B together. Because around 10:30 I sit down after a dance and feel a touch on my elbow. I turn only to see J holding his hand out asking me to dance. I don't think it's a coincidence that B hasn't been out dancing in a couple months because of her work schedule but the one night she does come out with us J also shows up, I also don't think it's a coincidence that he asked me dance on the one night that my friends who see me 5 times a week didn't recognize me. Obviously he danced mostly with B and only asked me the one time.

I still had a great time though. I even went out and danced with B trying to lead her through what few moves I know. Granted I was just fooling around, but I saw J watching us, and the mean spirited part of me just wanted to show him that she and I are friends. So that if he tries anything I will know about it. And I wouldn't put it past him to try something on her. Despite the fact that she has a boyfriend, she knows she over the top flirtatious. I asked her after the kissing incident if she said "hey, I've got a boyfriend, this is just dancing" and she said "oh, I probably should have." This is the boyfriend she moved across the country to be with.

A part of me is still hurt by the whole thing. But I also had the thought that he must see what a good dancer I am. I know that I am at least as good as B if not better. And it is more to do with personality than anything else. I'm confused by his inability to be nice or friendly despite my efforts. I can't see how he would think that I'm still hung up on him (sure maybe I am a little - but not in a stalker, I'm gonna wait forever for you, or a if I can't have noone can). I have never gone off on him or come on to him again. I can only imagine that it is imaturity on his part - but that is the part that is hard to get my head around. Sure you may not want to go out with me, but I am a likable person, and I don't see why he doesn't like me.

Stupid ass pride - but Thursday was such a good night. I am seriously hoping I can stop feeling bad about this. I will probably never go see them perform, but B is still my friend and J can go fuck himself for all I care.

Zero Prospects

Well, I didn't get the job I wanted. After two weeks of waiting I got the official No. Even though I was at the top of their list, I got rejected for not having direct experience. So what was the point? Two and a half months of effort and waiting and hoping for this to come through. When the whole time they knew I didn't have direct experience.

And I'm pissed off about my current job. I wish I had listened to my gut a year ago and not taken this job. Because now I'm left with nothing.

Stalker boy

I was afraid that he would, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, unfortunately he didn't deserve it. M showed up to one of my dance classes last night. I knew he had taken the class before but hadn't been there in months because that was the night he has his daughter over.

I had a sneaking suspicion and I was gonna skip class, but I really needed to practice my team routine. Knowing I haven't been motivated to practice at home, I was going to make use of the time before and after class to work on it. I should have just done it at home - I didn't get as much practice as I wanted in, because he showed up early and started talking to me. Asking when he could see me again, reminding me that he promised me a better time next time, and mentioning that he was going to come to our team's dress rehersal this week. Apparently SOG has been inviting him to them so that we have an audience but that he hasn't taken him up on the offer. So why is he doing it now? He didn't say, but I can guess.

I told him repeatedly that it would weird me out / psych me out if he was there and that I wish he wouldn't come. That is of course SOG's point in getting us used to an audience. But it's not the same when the guy who is the audience wants you and you're not wanting him.

To top it off, I didn't get to practice after class either. Usually while my dance instructor is giving a private lesson I use the other side of the studio to practice. There is usually nobody else there. Last night though everyone was hanging around talking, practicing for a show etc. I ended up talking to this other guy. I've had my eye on him for awhile he reminds me a bit of J in looks - but is actually nice. We talked for maybe half an hour. He definitely has a girlfriend, which made me back off for a bit, but lately I've seen him watching me even when he's with her. Not that I'm going to go trying to break him up or anything, but there's no harm in being very friendly just in case.

As for M - I think that I'm turning into the J of this scenario. My only plan at this point is to use him for sex for a few months while letting it naturally kind of fade away. Of course, I think I should actually tell him that I am not interested in a romantic relationship. That way when it doesn't last or develope into something more he can't say he wasn't warned.

That was a bad idea.

Why is it that even as I'm thinking "this is such a bad idea" I continuing to do what ever it is that I think I shouldn't be doing?

One of the guys I dance with at the different clubs and who is frequently in classes and workshops that I take invited me over about a month ago to work on some dance moves. He also works with SOG and I have helped him out in his lessons there. On Friday he invited me out for the weekend. I figured we'd have dinner and go somewhere to dance.

Instead he made dinner for me (it wasn't very good) and said he wasn't really interested in going out dancing as he'd been in workshops all day (not ones that I attended). So instead he went through a few dance moves and then kissed me. Well, talked about my lips alot and then kissed me.

This guy is too old for me. Not in the age number sense, but in the divorced with a teenage daughter sense. And while I knew he liked me I never really expected him to try anything so I figured I was safe in being nice to him. And I figured if got anywhere near official dating territory that I'd give the whole I'm really flattered but I feel too young for you or some other equally phony excuse.

Well so much for that plan. Because then we're making out on the couch. All is fine. He's not a great kisser, but passable and then he starts going for the nipples. I do not understand what it is about me that when I'm making out with a guy for the first time that he thinks okay, it's time to go for it. Seriously - shouldn't that be second or third date territory? The whole time I'm thinking "why me?" and "I really shouldn't be doing this." The next thing I know shirts are off and he's carrying me to his bedroom.

I wish I could blame the two glasses of wine and the shot of tequila for my very bad judgement. But the truth is I've been through a dry spell since the X left town and J seems to be done with me and I let my body take over.

I have this problem with saying what I feel and mean when I mean and feel it. I did that to K. As soon as I was sure I wasn't interested in dating him. That was bad enough and he still gives me the "I miss you" treatment and sad puppy dog eyes when I run into him. Now here is this guy (M) I am not interested in a relationship with him but I ended up sleeping with him on the second pseudo date. It wasn't even that great. But to be fair I can't imagine any first time being as good as the first time with J. And maybe that has a lot to do with it too.

I had a bad dance team practice and I have gotten a left over dress to wear after all the other girls (some of the ones that joined after I did) chose theirs. It is not what I would have picked, and it is not as flattering as the one I had been wearing, but the Alpha Girl (friend of BMG and she's been on the team longest) decided she wanted that one. I find the whole thing completely unfair. I work on the nights that they have practice and because I wasn't there last week I get stuck with the dress no one else wants. I can't even tell why my dress was given to AG. She already had a smokin' hot dress to wear. The one I'm stuck with shows off the top of my thighs which I hate and gives me no waist because it's a box. It has an ugly neckline and I'll have to wear my hair up to give me some semblince of a neck at all.

Coming from that practice and feeling like crap about it, and comparing M to J while we're making out. I think led to very bad decision making. And now I'm stuck back peddling (yet again) to figure out how to not end up this guy's girlfriend.

Wow - that's low

My department head is on the phone setting up an interview for my job right now.

I haven't even handed her a letter yet. WTF?

People suck.

I'm glad I'm leaving. But I wish I had never told them I was going to. I wish I could have left them scrambling for awhile first.

Wow, and I thought she was the good one

I was told to write my letter of resignation today.

I had met with my department head before and I let her know that I was interviewing for jobs. I knew that my end of probation review was coming up around Thanksgiving, I just couldn't test out whether I'd be fired or not. In meeting with her then I was basically told that her review of me would be lukewarm - not good enough for me to keep my job.

Today she comes up asks me how the job hunt is going and to get a letter ready. She even pulled out a schedule to find out when would be the best time for me to say is my last day.

I really hate people soemtimes

Externalize the Stress

My skin is looking amazingly better this week. I've gone about three days with no new breakouts and only have three blemishes that are healing pretty quickly and some left over scars from the past 10 months. A few newer ones are already starting to fade. My instructor says that in 6-7 months I'll be all clear.

He tells me that part of the process is to externalize my stress. I can't keep hanging on to it and letting it pressure cook inside of me.

That's how sucky life can be

I don't know why I'm hurt or surprised.

I was finishing my dinner break and one of my old co-workers (from my old department) and the girl they replaced me with came in. They were leaving together - going to yoga.

I know it's stupid. This girl is struggling in that job now too. Why do I begrudge her an office friend? Because she was my friend.

I was sat down by my supervisor on Friday and basically told that if I don't resign before Thanksgiving that she would be put in the awkward position of giving me a so-so review on my probationary review which could in all likely-hood result in me being fired.

I am still counting on the other job coming though (I have an interview on the First) and I've interviewed for a back up job too. So I knew I'd be leaving before then anyway. But having that said to you sucks.

Two Weeks

Well, two weeks after I texted J I officially give up.

I deleted his phone number out of my cell's phone book and I am not answering any text messages should they happen to come my way.

Since we don't seem to talk to each other when we are out either, it should be no problem to ignore his existence completely.

Surreal

I am finding it hard to believe that a month ago I was giving SOG and his girls death glares, but now I am hanging out with them and on the route to being friends.

I ended up doing two shows this weekend the regularly scheduled October 6 show, and filling in at the last minute on Friday as well. Then we had regular practice on Sunday. We all went out on Saturday night after the show to until like 5am. So it was alot of bonding time with people I used to think were too cool to be around.

I'm having trouble with my instructor's instructions to start forgiving people. I have reawakened my loathing for J. Last Wednesday he blanked me at a club. Didn't say hi and didn't ask me to dance. He said good-bye to SOG, but I don't even think J looked in my direction even though there were times that he was dancing right next to me. Then on Thursday I made the mistake of text messaging him. I wasn't trying to get together with him. I was out at my usual Thursday night club, I was thinking of B and J, and wondering why he never came out to this club, but the one time a few months ago. So I texted him and asked that. Today is Wednesday and he never responded. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he was out of town for the weekend. There was a huge dance congress out of town (the one that BMG quit the dance team in order to attend) and it's not impossible to believe that he would go. This didn't cheer me up when I thought of the possibility of J and BMG going together.

On Saturday as I was hanging out with B after our show J came up in conversation. I was pissed with him, I wanted her to know that he was just trying to get into her pants so I ended up saying something to that effect - that J was only calling and texting her to get into pants and that he'd stop if she would tell him that she has a boyfriend. I also called him a jerk because he never responded to my texts and only contacted me when he wanted to have sex. She rightly inferred that we had slept together, but promised she wouldn't say anything. The other girl on the team S (who is good friends with BMG) has the hots for L (we changed the subject when she came in to who on the dance scene would you sleep with given the chance). S also has a boyfriend, but things aren't going well. I wish I could have said don't bother, L is alot sexier out of bed than in it. S also mentioned J, but just to say that he had asked her to dance with him at his club a few times but was never able to.

I am still in the "I hate him but I want to win" mode. I want to dance really well with SOG sometime when J is watching. I want him to know that I'm not taking lessons with SOG, but that I'm on his dance team, just like all the other girls he's asked to help him out. I want him to know that I am good enough and then I want to squash him and his puny little ice-cold heart.

This attitude is a far way from forgiveness. I think even though I don't like her - I never got to know her - I have forgiven BMG. That was easier because the rational side of my brain always knew she wasn't an instigator and that she never really "stole" J away from me because he wasn't mine. But forgiving J is proving to be a much harder task. For five or six days now all I can think about is that he's a jackass, a bastard, a jerk and many other explicatives. I know I shouldn't want to be with someone like this. I deserve so much better. And I'm never going to change his mind or open his eyes he's never going "come to his senses." But giving up on him and forgiving him for his jerky behavior are not the same thing at all. I have yet to manage the first one even though every rational part of my being is trying to get me to do it.

The best laid plans

Well, I did it. I convinced B to come out to J's club with her boyfriend. I was super excited. I was looking forward to seeing J and seeing what happened when he met B's boyfriend. I wore the best outfit. Short flirty skirt and a shiny tank top. I looked so good!

I was the first to get there before SOG, before B and anyone else that was showing up. I get there and there are three cop cars parked out front, a bunch of people standing outside on the street, and a huge man in black with a walkie-talkie standing at the front door. They weren't letting anyone in, but some customers were walking out who said that the police were coming and going, but that they were letting everyone in there finish their dinner. We stood outside for a while, but every time we asked we were given a later time for when we'd be allowed in. Finally when everyone showed up we went somewhere else. I tried texting J to find out if he was inside and if he had any info - but he was not/did not.

It ended up being a rather lame night. I was also way over dressed for the place we went to next. And my food wasn't even that good for all the bragging that SOG and some other person in our group did about the place. They played some good music even though we only had one guy (SOG) to five ladies.

I am disapointed that I didn't get to see J interact with B and her boyfriend. But I did manage to ask her how she knew J. Because she had never been to J's club before. I thought that was how she knew him. But no - apparently she danced with him once at a different club, thought he was hot, and then another time when she was talking to him and someone else she made the mistake of saying something about how cute he was or how much she thought of him. But you think she would have backtracked herself and mentioned - "oh but I have a boyfriend."

Oh well whatever. I keep trying to tell myself not to worry about it. J is a player and he's gonna go after other girls. I also have to remind myself that last saturday was an odd occurance and to stop getting my hopes up that he's gonna call again. He was probably hoping to get with B and settled for me instead. As much as I don't really don't have time for a boyfriend right now, I really wish I could meet someone who could take my mind off of J. It's been a year now - why can't get over this jackass?

Forgiving

My dance teacher is getting in the habit of making me cry.

Yesterday it was posture. He tells me I'm not the slump shouldered, rounded back, "don't look at me" postured girl. I thought I was getting better, but I tend to carry all of my stress in my shoulders so I tighten them up alot.

He tells me the next step for skin is to start forgiving. Me, the people in my past what ever is making me try to hide. Unfortunately he used the "g" word as in if you need to ask for help in the forgiving process. I should have just said that I'm agnostic and thus God and I aren't really on speaking terms. He also said that if I wanted to talk or anything, get a drink whatever that he'd be there.

But that would involve admitting all the horrible catty-ness that I fall prey to. And I'm not ready to show that side of me yet. I care too much what he thinks of me.

Extra time is Bonding time

Managed to meet up with SOG last night. B was there too. I headed over after work and they wanted to eat when I got there. So we pile into SOG's car head to a fast food place and take it back to SOG's house.

The weirdest thing, is when I walk in, I am greeted to the sight of a shirtless dance instructor from my studio. The same one I've saw BMG having a lesson with a couple of weeks ago.

It was probably 7 by the time we actually started dancing. Turns out, the reason I need extra time - I'm not dancing the same dance as the other girls. It's kind of like initiation. The first performance for a new girl is always this one. So we practiced and I only half sucked. There is one particular move that I have never been comfortable with. It's a front dip where the guy rotates the girl's upper body in an arc. You've got to rdie the guy's knee in order to get the right bend in your back. I can not loosen up enough to do it. I had better get over that though I guess.

We also tried on dresses. Apparently SOG doesn't have enough for all the girls (he thought he did, but he's one short). I was not allowed to even think about trying on the one that BMG wears. B says she's very territorial about it. I'm not suprised, it's short and has a huge diamond cut out from sternum to below the navel, revealing BMG's favorite body party. I wouldn't want it anyway it's a weird lemony green color. Instead I got to try on the dress originally reserved for B. It is now mine. She's so much tinier than I am that it fits a little better on me. You'd think that was a mean thing to do, but now she gets a brand new dress. She gets to go for a fitting and everything. Mine is pink,low in the front and bare in the back (which is my favorite body part to expose) and shorter in the front than the back with a weird side slit, ruffles, and thirty thousand rhinestones (not really, I just made that number up).

There's the Rub

This is the problem, and why I so often tried to go cold turkey from J.

Withdrawl.

It was bad before when I was just horny or wanting to make out with somebody. Now that I've been with him again it's gotten worse. I keep thinking about this coming Friday. Either it will go well, or I'll be sad and disapointed. I'm sure it will be sad and dissapointed. That is the general track record with J. It'll be another three months before he wants to "keep me company" again.

I'm so bad I need extra tutoring

My favorite social dancing night was yesterday. The place was packed and hot! ButI had a great time. I barely sat out at all and a couple of guys asked me to dance multiple times. Unfortunately I think one might have a crush on me, and the other danced like he was trying to get into my pants.

I thought B was going to come out because she missed saturday to be with her boyfriend. The other girls and SOG were there. SOG danced with me twice and everytime I'd walk by him and he wasn't dancing he'd poke me. I don't know if he was being friendly or reminding me to stand up straight. I missed B because she's the only one of the girls who's actually friendly toward me. It doesn't help that they've all known each other longer and that I am still trying to work on my animosity toward BMG who seems to be the queen bee.

As I was leaving SOG tells me that we need to meet during the week before the 2 hours I've arranged with him on Friday morning. I'm thinking - crap. I knew I didn't dance really well with him, but I must have sucked if he thinks I need extra, extra work. I keep wondering when he'd gonna figure out that I'm not cut out for his team and give me the pink slip.

Will Power, Psychic Powers, and the Power of Morning Breath

I am weak willed, I know this. Unfortunately I do nothing to change it.

I went out last night. It's a new place - or an old place that they are trying to make new really. But the turn out was good. I got there 10ish and the place was empty an hour later it was jam packed. I left about 1am. I had invited B, she lives near me and I thought we could go together. But she needed to spend time with the boyfriend and at first considered bringing him with, but in the end they went elsewhere.

Secretly I hope she does bring the BF out with her, the "team" is supposed to go to J's club this Friday. I'm wondering if I can subtely suggest that she bring the BF with her. It's a good atmosphere for dancers and non-dancers alike.

On the way home I was in full fantasy mode thinking of what that Friday would be like. I ended up with the fantasy of a conversation with J (I also imagined that I'd have to be kind of tipsy - and he would have to had thawed his heart enough to give a shit about my feelings). It was pretty simple where he asks if I hate him now and I go off on the reasons that I hate what went down between us. I had quite a list at 1:15am last night.

At 1:16 my phone goes off with a text message from J asking if I went dancing. IT was pretty freaky considering I had just been having an imaginary conversation with him. Through a series of texts he asks if I'm at home alone and if I want company. So yeah, I gave in and around 2am he came over.

The high point was he stayed over and left around 8am. The low point, when he fell asleep around 3am in the middle of me going down on him. That has never happened to me before. The X was always very complimentary about my abilities in that area. But I let it go and lay down next to him and fell asleep too. It was a nice little breather of about 20 minutes before he started up again and neither one of us mentioned that he fell asleep.

I didn't think he was going to stay. When he got up to use the bathroom I thought for sure the "thank you" was coming and that he'd get dressed and go. But instead he got in under the covers put his arm around me and we fell asleep. He must dream in Spanish or plan his lessons (yep, he does have a teaching job) in his sleep. Because at one point when I shifted I must have woke him up just long enough for him to say "Cuantos anos tienes?" I know what it means, and I can't think he's asking me. So when I said what? He just said, "anos, anos" (sorry, can't make a tilde for the N) and went right back to sleep.

In the morning he got up I asked him what he was up to for the day, I had to work, he said he had to grade 130 spanish papers. When he left he said that he would kiss me but he had serious morning breath. I said I did too, but I didn't force the issue. It rang more towards the "I would kiss you, but I don't want you to make more of this than it is" type excuse.

What's really bad is that most of the time - even as I lay next to him when he fell asleep half way through - I kept thinking "I win! I win!" but in the back of my mind I wondered if he wasn't wishing I was B.

I am interested to see what will happen on Friday when I go with the Team to his club.

Why not me?

B has the hots for J. She said as much on Thursday nights. Now she has a boyfriend that she moved across the country to be with, so I don't think she's going to go after him. But on thursday she talked about feeling bad about how a couple of weeks ago he called her 3 times and finally she texted him where she'd be on Sunday but then left early before he got there. That was the Sunday I saw him and that he didn't stay long.

I'm seriously pissed off. I know that B doesn't know my history with J, or that I am seriously trying to get my head on straight about him. The last think I need to hear is that he's calling her left and right. Why is he going after the girl with a boyfriend, but he couldn't keep in touch with the girl he slept with for months. Even before I came out and told him I liked him he didn't contact me except for sex.

What is it about B that he treats her like a friend, and I got used and thrown away?

I could have been working with him

Turns out that J is now teaching and teacher training at a local Arthur-Murray dance studio. One of his former students (the one who busted out with "J and I still dance sometimes" back last October) goes there. She showed up on a testing day and there he was.

The funny thing is I remember reading the announcement looking for A-M teachers in early August. It was right when I got the news that managment here isn't satisfied with my performance. I thought that maybe I would give it a shot. A-M teaches people to be dance teachers. That way they groom you into being the dancer/teacher they want.

The reason I decided against it was that their training is the same time as classes at my dance studio. There was also the fact that my mother would totally disaprove, but if I decide to do it in the future (and I'm thinking seriously about it) I would just wouldn't tell her until I got a job somewhere. It would be a better deal than the Ballroom Dance Teacher College in San Fran. Although, that is still a possibility. A friend of mine is in grad school right now, just broke up with her boyfriend and moved out of their apartment. She would move to San Fran with me after she graduates.

There's the science

Yesterday my instructor told me stop using my medicated washes on my skin. To get topical vitamin E and aloe, to mix them together and put it on my skin after I wash my face. He did infact talk about the actual causes of acne this time and didn't discuss the universe and my terminal. He also talked about psychology. And that some of it might be psychosomatic. That I am some how attached to my acne for psychological reasons.

I was trying to figure out when my skin really started getting bad. It was fine last summer. I don't see anything in my holiday pictures either. So I'm thinking it had to be spring time - round about when I went off and back on the pill because I was confused about what I was doing with J, and then the whole BMG jealousy spike.

Now, It could have been going back on the pill. Even though it was a pill that is meant to help my skin. I even switched brands and it made barely a marginal difference. I am hoping this holistic approach my instructor is trying will work (I just looked up holistic to make sure I was using it right - and it turns out that I am the connection between mind, body, spirit. And there is even a mention of kinesiology here.) and I won't have to go off the pill I'm on. I like the lack of period I get with it.

So the vitamin E and Aloe is supposed to "nurish" my skin. The mind part is the psychological attachment part. I made myself write down all of the ways I might be psychologically attached to this in the hopes that if I recognize the reasons it will be easier to let go of them. To see that I don't really want to hang on to those reasons. I don't really want to be held back.

The spirit part - well I consider myself an agnostic. I have no faith for religion or atheism. But I believe in something - it some kind of cosmic butterfly effect. In that what I do affects the universe, other people, and myself. I generally use Karma as a catch all for this idea, even though I don't know that I truely believe in re-incarnation, so the term isn't accurate in the way that I use it.

I'm not saying that the universe is getting back at me for harboring hatred toward BMG. But maybe my poisonous thoughts and feelings are having negative consequences for me.

Why do I feel Undeserving?

I went to dance class last night. All went well, I had fun. I let my dance teacher know about the performance group I joined. Although I have not been able to get ahold of SOG to book a time to start learning this stuff. I hope my work schedule doesn't allow me to fall through the cracks.

My instructor was pretty proud of me. He says that he knows that there was a time I would have said no to an opportunity like that. The thing is that I want to be the type of person who thrives on peforming, on being seen by other people, but a part of me is also terrified of that. I'm working on getting rid of the terror and sticking with the positive.

Then he asks me about my skin. I've been using the Proactive for nearly 3 months now and my skin is only marginally better. I still break out nearly every day. They just seem to be smaller and come and go faster than they did before. It is highly frurstrating. I think that alot has to do with the pill. It has gotten a little bit better since I switched perscriptions. He tells me he can help.

I don't really get it to be honest. And I don't know how to explain it so that it doesn't sound completely crazy. He says he works with Kinesology. I thought that was sports medicine. But the way he describes it, it goes to what I would call a spiritual level. He talked about the universe being like the internet, and people are the terminals. But you don't have access to another terminal with out that person's permission. So he basically was asking me permission to "access my terminal." I know how it sounds - If it had been anyone else I would have thought he was propositioning me. But he just wants to help me - he wants me to acheive my goals. He doesn't want me continuing to feel self conscious about my skin.

It was so amazingly nice. On the process itself I remain slightly skeptical. But he told me to keep visualizing how I'll look and feel with clear skin and I can do that. I ended up crying. First because it does make me self consious and also because I can't get over that he wants to help me like this. I don't really get it - even though he says he does it because he can. My dance instructor isn't the only one, my old boss, SOG I don't know what they see in me that gives them confidence in me. I lack it so much of the time.

If you can't beat 'em, Join 'em.

Well, it is official I am joining the performance troupe that SOG runs and BMG is on. At first it was hard. I showed up about 5 minutes early on Sunday and BMG was finishing a private lesson with an instructor from my dance studio. (No wonder I never saw her at the classes, because she can bring them to her.) He recognized me - but I kind of let them finish up talking and didn't really talk to her. SOG asked her to lead me in stretching and obviously she can do the splits and stuff that I can't. But never once did he insinuate that I wouldn't be able to do what she does. I watched the routine. I like parts of it, but others are a little weird. Maybe when there are 6 girls in a row doing it together it'll look better.

B showed up (the girl I like and have hung out with) I think she and I are on the same page with being frustrated with how good the other girls are. I'm amazed at the fact that even in a dance class BMG insinsts on the bare midrift. Literally she tied her t-shirt up in the back so that her tummy was out. I don't get it.

In the end though, I think this is a good oportunity to get over my irrational dislike of her. She was friendly. And having seen the end of her lesson, and hearing her express frustration about steps and not getting certain body movements. I realized that she's learning too. According to B she spends every waking minute doing this, so no wonder she's alot better faster - I thought I was just crazy in thinking she wasn't that great back in February. I was little uncomfortable when she asked me if I knew J. But then it was my fault for wearing my university t-shirt. I'm just waiting for somebody to let me know that they are going out. She was impressed that I learn other dances at my studio and wants to learn others too. She took my phone number. Again - I am trying to get over my irrational hatred, so I am trying to tell myself that it will be okay if she comes to the studio.

Being with the performance team I will get extra dance time, extra lessons with SOG at a reasonable price that pays for the dance space. I knew that my mom would be the hardest to convince that doing this was a good idea of if the price was too high, monthly dues for rehersal space, and a pair of performance quality dance shoes. The costumes are provided, private lessons are provided in exchange for performaning at smaller events. My mom thought it was wonderful. She was so excited.

The first performance is on the 6th. So I don't have a lot of time to get ready. I am both extremely excited and extreamely nervous at the same time.

Okay, where's Allen Funt?

Seriously. First the note on the car and now this.

I get to the club last night and as I'm walking I get greeted to BMG. She's back to jazz pants and mid-drift baring tops instead of short skirts. I guess that means it's officially fall. I was hoping she had some other committments (school maybe) come up because she hasn't been there for two weeks.

No such luck.

The advanced lesson was still going on so I was just milling with people when Show Off Guy comes up and takes me by the hand. Now, he rarely dances with me. I always figured I wasn't good enough. Even though I've gotten better in the past couple months due to my private lessons with my jedi master (he really is). I had seen him going over a step with someone when I first came in, I figured maybe he just wanted to practice, though I was dumfounded as to why he would ask me. But that was not it. Instead he just took me aside, away from people, and asked me if I'd ever considered performing on a dance team because he's got one and would I like to look into it.

Who me?

He gave me his card and asked me to call him. That I could come by when the girls rehearse and see what it's all about.

It's weird, because I did dance with him on Sunday. I even wanted to ask him, since he does teach etc, if he could give me one or two things to work on. But I never worked up the courage, especially since he stopped dancing with me after more people arrived that night.

I'm a little afraid he'll expect me to take lessons with him, because I think the other girls do. But I am highly invested in my dance studio. I'm highly, highly invested in my jedi master (aka dance instructor). I just plunked down $75 per private lesson to the tune of more than $900 with the expectation that I'll plunk down another $900 in a month. For a total of 6 months of private lessons. Sounds like a lot, but that's with a discount from $90 per lesson to $75.

I shall this weekend, though. Because I am going to go check it out.

Oddly enough, B came up to me when she was leaving and said she was very excited that I was "joining the team." That she had asked him tonight about asking me.

Twelve hours later I'm still majorly suprised.

The world and everyone in it is out to get me

The good:
On Monday I found out that my resume was passed on to the hiring manager for the job I really, really want.
Yesterday I emailed a woman over there that I had met with once before. Just to let her know that I had applied and to remind her of me. It worked and she is in fact on the interview committee.

The BAD:
On Tuesday when stopping for cleaning supplies I reached for some bleach only to have it spill all down a very pretty green hoodie that I own. I ended up getting a gift card from the store manager to replace it, but even so there is a huge white streak down the right side.

On the drive home I took a wrong turn and was pulled over by a police officer. I now have a $115 speeding ticket.

The just plain Weird:
I went out last night (like always) danced up a storm and when I get back to my car there is a note on it. I'm thinking "shit, just what I need, somebody hit my car. But at least they left a note." And I start looking for damage. There isn't any so I grab the note and it says "Saw you dancing and wanted to say hi. You've got a great ass, if you want to get to know me better call me XXX-XXX-XXXX, First & Last name."

Um, what? I'm picturing a bunch of cars peppered with similar notes, because how in the world does this guy (I didn't recognize his name) know who I am and which car is mine?

Now I'm Suspicious

I didn't want to admit before, but last week's text messages from J, about how nice I was, and XOXO struck me as being from a girl. Now, I know he lives with his phone. I saw him tonight, his phone was in his back pocket and he checked it in between every song.

But before then I was hanging out with Show Off Guy and one of his "girls" aka member of his dance team - B. She's nice, a little older than the other ones, and apparently very new to dancing. How in the world SOG decided to put her on the team I have no idea. But whatever. So, SOG is off dancing and B leans toward me asks me if I know J. I say yeah, and she says that he's probably coming. She dances one or two more, and then decides to leave. I dance one or two more, go to the bathroom and J is there at the bar when I get back. We danced two songs and he didn't stay very long.

But I'm now really interested to know a) why she would think that I know J and b) why it's worth mentioning that he'd be coming out.

Confusion

My new dance teacher crush has a girlfriend. On saturday I went to a dinner performance that ended with open dancing and he was there with her. Things looked a little icy between them. At one point he asked her to dance and she gave him the cold shoulder. She left pretty soon after that. I saw them again the next day. They looked a little happier to be together. I actually saw them dance and it seemed like they were having a good time. Then I saw them come in on Thursday separately and they didn't dance together, I don't even remember seeing them talk.

With the long weekend there was lots of dancing to be done. On Saturday I thought I was going to get to see J at his club. I was supposed to meet people for dinner there, but that ended up not happing, then we were going to finish the night there, but got turned around and ended up driving by a different club and dancing there instead. There were quite a few guys there that looked like him though, getting my hopes up.

I was with L, and a girl he knows who is on a dance team with BMG. Blech. But I was nice to this girl. Little did I know that I was going to meet the other girls on Sunday. I wasn't able to be as nice to them - just too young.

On Sunday I met people to see a live band, and then to the after party. At one point I thought I saw J while I was dancing with K. But it turned out not to be him. Eventually I did see him there, he walked in looking all chic with a blazer over a t-shirt and a white hat. I then went to dance with L. L is a huge flirt - so dancing with him ends up becoming a little sexy. I was just hoping that J was watching. When I danced with K again he leaned in and said how much he misses kissing me. I feel a little bad for him, because I am so not interested.

J didn't stay terribly long. The dance floor was so small it was very crowded. On the way home I texted J. Telling him he looked good in the jacket and hat and asking if he had had a good time. He eventually texted back that he did have a good night and asked if I did. I said yes even though the dance floor was small. J then texts me back "good, u know u r so nice. Love u." HUH? I think I said hi to him 3 weeks ago. So I said "LOL! That's sweet. I guess I just can't help it. :)" to which he texted "XOXO" I left it there. I didn't know what else to say other than to bring it down by asking if he was drunk and that's why he was being so nice to me. I'm just guessing that he's surprised that I don't hold a grudge for the stuff that happened between us. I mean, I wasn't nice to him before. I gave him a hard time for wanting to have sex with me after ignoring me for so long. I gave him a hard time about canceling on me at the fourth of july. But in the end - stupid me I know - I still like him. I still care about him - how he' doing, what he's up to.

I hate that he did this - even though it gives me a happy warm feeling - precicely because it gives me that happy warm feeling. My brain immediately launched into fantasy mode of him coming to his senses and actually asking me out.

Lucky Day

I'm so proud that I put my moritorium on clothes buying. Because I just won a $100 shopping spree!

The Illustrated guide to my low self-esteem

The sources of my discontent:

1) I have a baby face. I have what I call "chipmunk cheeks" which lend me a more youthful appearance. My skin too is a huge influence. My acne has really hit the all time worst. It's hard to feel attractive when you think you still look like a kid.




2) I have no chest. I don't fill out an A-cup. I have gotten the Nearly A and even that has some room in the cup. And since I lost weight (30 lbs, I was still only a B) the seem to be a little saggy.




3) My butt and thighs. The but is wide, flat and droopy. My thighs = saddlebags.




4) I have a sneaky suspicion that my calves are fat, or too largely muscular. I don't have a picture of it. Calves are tricky though and hard to compare to others.

And in comparison: This is what I compare myself to every week:

Then there's this:





Compared to me.


And the infamous booty shorts:

I mean really - she's hit the genetic jackpot on her lower body. The only thing I can really pick out on her is the noticable "man abs." When she wears low rise it's even more obvious that she's got no waist and handles on her abs like men have. But other than those two things - I can't put a picture of her and the fact that she's tanner and has better skin. bleh.

This is what I compare myself to on a nearly daily basis. No wonder I hate these elements of my body.

Weekend Ups and Downs

Saturday was another day of special workshops with famous instructors. On Wednesday when I went out they were handing out flyers so I thought that there was a chance that J would show up. He went to the one in October, and the one in March when he was with BMG.

So I looked pretty cute that day - pink shorts w/ a white yoga top, and my ballet sippers instead of the dance heels. There is a fine line between hot and skanky when wearing shorts w/ heels. I probably wouldn't have been too close to the skanky. Unlike some people I could mention, coughBMGcough, who did show up. In crop top, shorts, tada! dance heels and rockin' some seriously old (fuzzy) . No J though. Lots of pictures of me taken though.

I had a pretty good time though. Particularly because BMG was having a hard time with some of the ladies foot/arm work. Yeah, it was hard, I got the turns with the arms, but not all of the rest. At one point, I thought she was going to cry. It made me happy in a very mean spirited way. I couldn't tell if it was a frustration born of being too hard on herself, or of thinking she should be good enough to do it.

Afterwards, YICG invited me and a few others over to his place (his and his girlfriend's) for a bbq. Last time - June - I turned down the invite. I was still a little shy at that point. But this time I went and I had a really great time.

The next day was pretty good. At first I thought that BMG wasn't going to show, but sadly, I caught sight of her eventually. Still I was having a good time. Toward the end of the night J's dance partner that I like showed up and said hi. I made the mistake of telling her I had been the one night but hadn't gotten to say hi. She misunderstood me and thought I had been there this previous friday and said she wasn't there. She tells me there are two other girls that he also dances with, BMG being one of them, and someone else who's name I didn't recognize.

That's when my night went down hill. It pisses me off. I guess I thought that at some point J would actually want me to help him. I've had fantasies about it, I offered twice (once for class, and once for this gig). I get it that he wants really good dancers. I don't know about the one girl, but BMG is really good, and girl I like is a good dancer, though I think BMG looks better dancing. But judging by the video online, they don't make J look any better.

Then as I was leaving at the end of the night I see BMG talking to one of the instructors from my dance studio who had come for the dance. BMG was asking her how long she was in town for and taking her number into her phone. Argh. This is the third instructor from my studio that I've seen her chatting too. It's bad enough I have to see her at these things and on thursday nights, but if she starts going to my dance studio... I don't like her. I don't want her around. My instructor the other night was so impressed with this one lady who was taking a particular class for the first time that he immediately asked her to be in a performance in March. Granted he's already asked me, but I'm imagining that happening w/ BMG. Is it too much to ask that I have one bastion of dancing where I am BMG free?

It is so hard not to compare myself to her already. How am I going to cope when I start seeing her more than I already do? I'll either start pushing myself too hard in an attempt to catch up, or just giving up and getting fat again.

Why does this bother me?

I wish I could extinguish the torch I carry for J. I really do. Months later little things still turn me on or make me mad.

Last night I finally went back to my wednesday night dance spot. I hadn't been in a few weeks because I was just too tired, or knew that the people I dance with wouldn't be there. But this time I went, most of my usual partners weren't there, but I still had a good time. Of course out of no where comes J. I finish a dance and someone taps me on the shoulder - turn around and there he is asking me to dance. So we do - it was a pretty good dance, but I was so turned on just being near him. After that who do I run into but the new dance teacher who I have the beginnings of a crush on. We danced a couple, it was okay. I'm beginning to think he's an alcoholic though. He was a little tipsy when we were dancing - but he was still good. I lose all ability to dance properly after I've had a second drink.

I left feeling pretty awesome, I danced with a few other people, then J again and another guy who always asks me to dance when I'm there. Today I went online to see if there were any pictures up - sometimes they're quick at this place, sometimes not. I see pictures for an event on Monday. I'm clicking through them and I see this girl - I'm not sure because of the angle (she's in the middle of a turn) but I think it's J's dance partner. I recognized the dress more than anything, I remember seeing her wear in back a few months ago and thinking how does she not fall out of that dress when dancing (she's got an amble bosom and shows it off)? I click a little more, sure enough there she is with a group of guys, three more photos later there is her and J arms around each other smiling.

I never got the impression that they were together before. There were little things - like the one time at his club I told him I'd be around if he wanted to come over as he was leaving, and this was right after she said good-bye with an "I love you" and he responded "love you too." I figured it was a friends thing and the fact that she was drunk. After he left she was sitting with his brother. And two months ago J was booty calling me. So color me confused. And angry. I guess if they are just friends it's safe for him to go out with her. Unlike me who couldn't get him to go out because he wasn't interested in anything other than the sex, but wouldn't say as much because then I might end it.

I kind of hope that he and K are there and that they play a sexy slow song - K always picks me out for those dances. I'd love to dance that with someone else in front of J.

On the work front - It turns out that the administration did, does in fact have someone to start in my position as soon as I vacate. That is conveniently two weeks and a few days after I was notified and about 3 weeks after they were interviewing for a different position. I don't understand why the managent of this place had to be so middle school cloak and dagger about this situation. Just fucking tell me that you want to put someone else in my job - unless that is illegal somehow. Hmm...that would be interesting.

On an upside the ideal job was posted this week for the university that I want to work at. Keeping my fingers crossed that I actually stand a chance and it's not an internal hire, because they are only posting the job for 2 weeks.

And the reality

I've been really good with caffeine. I've not had any in days. Sugar - not so much.

I'm having serious body issues again. I just spent $70 on an exercise machine and two DVDs that is supposed to help tone my lower body.

I bought my second skirt in the kids department - a very cute blue skirt - I like that the kids ones have attached shorts underneath. It's a large - girls size 10/12. Shouldn't that make me feel like I've got a small lower body? I'm sure I should have looked for a 14/16, but it was on clearance and it was 7/8 or 10/12. It's not painted on and there is no muffin top, so why am I concerned if I fit into a kid's size skirt?

I tried going on a juice fast for 4 days Monday through tomorrow. I went out and got all kinds of yummy fruit and vegetable juices (leave it to trader joe's to make a good green vegetable juice). But it didn't work. I don't know why I try. Maybe if I had just tried a single day. I ended up eating on monday trail mix, and vegetables (not bad) and some candy. I think I am addicted to Twizzler's cherry bites. I can only ever find them in big bags too - never in something small and manageble. Yesterday I had two danishes, almonds, cashews and a bagel. But after I got home I went for a run, did some leg lifts, some tricep dips, push-ups, squats, bicep curls and crunches.

That's when I bought the machine - online from a dance catalog. I should throw those things away when I get them. I also bought a deodorizer for my shoes/shoe bag, and that was a real necessity.

Today I'm planning on buying some more candy and some Firming Lotion. It's stupid how I still see jiggly cottage cheesy dimply fat on my thighs - even when I can wear a woman's size 2 or a freakin' kids' size.

I am just so disappointed with my eating habits. Yeah, I've done good on the fruits and vegetables these past three days, but I also remember last year how rigid I was with my eating habits. I'm not 100% sure how I did it. I'm not super sure that I really want to go back to being like that, but I don't know how else to get rid of the fat on my thighs. I think there is alot there.

The last blood drive we had my co-workers all thought I'd be underweight to give blood. Today somebody made a comment about me being "all of 98lbs soaking wet." I am no where near 98% I usually way about 115 in the morning. Somebody else said to me last weekend because I was eating a granola bar (at a dance) joking that "If that's your dinner, I'd think you were anorexic." It was midnight I'd been dancing for 2 hours straight. After saturday dance classes a bunch of us go out for lunch - usually and Indian buffet. They joke about how I'll go up for seconds and how at dances all they ever see me do is stand at the snack table and not actually dance. I know they just don't get how a tiny girl can actually eat (and to be fair last spring/summer I wasn't eating more than 800 calories a day, because I read somewhere that anything less would mess up your metabolism), but it gives me a complex. Because as I'm eating I'm thinking - should I go home and throw this up? or can I count on the 2 hours of dance class and the 3 hours of dancing at night to burn the calories? I'm thinking - how much butter was in this(bad fat) or was it olive oil (okay fat), knowing I shouldn't be eating so much, but doing it anyway. This last saturday I didn't have seconds. The next two saturdays I can't go. I know I shouldn't let a buffet a couple of times a month bother me, I know I shouldn't let other people's comments bother me either. I wish I could not let other people's comments bother me - since I can't make everyone happy. Some people will look at me and say too skinny, and others will just say she's small. Some will say her metabolism is high and she works out good for her for eating, and other's are going to tease.

I wish I could get to the point where I am comfortable and happy with me.

Why do they call it?

Why do they call it "loosing" one's virginity?

I for one know exactly where I left mine.

This is how it's going to be

1) There is a moretorium on all clothes purchases until Christmas clearance sales. I must wear all my dance gear that I have already bought before then. My mother says she'll take me shopping when she comes back to town as part of a girls day out since she's been gone longer than she wanted, and I've been taking care of her mail and plants. At that time, I will only get work clothes. I am returning 3 items I've bought and am not going to wear to a savings of $20 (they were all on clearance). The only exception to the purchasing rule will be at Halloween when I will get a pattern and fabric.

2) I will wake up on time and do 15 minutes of exercise each morning until my gym access opens. At which time I will start jogging in the mornings. I will work on my abs with more frequency.

3) I will add more fruits and vegetables to my diet in the form of fresh produce and stop buying candy.

4) I will give up caffeine for one month and determine the benefits at that time.

5) I will consume more water and less soda daily.

6) I will apply for the open positions I see and think I would like to work at. I will keep an open mind about relocating away from my dance studio. I will put my application in for community college adjunct in the next two weeks.

Damn those stupid crushes

I have a new crush - another dance instructor (as if I meet anyone else these days).

A guy I have danced with and hung out with some kept talking about this great instructor C. I have my lessons with B, I like him. We clicked right away. He's much older, and he's focused on the fundamentals. He's constructive when he criques and he wants me to ask questions and ask for explination if I don't get it. He picks up on little things very well - in body language, in talking, in dancing. It's amazing. I'm not about to change, but this guy raved about C telling me I'd like him and I should think about having a private lesson with him. I know some dancers take a private lessons with different teachers at different times - but I liken mine to having a coach of sorts. I just want to have my one-on-one with B. So, I'm at a social dance and I get introduced to C. He asks me to dance and it was aweful. His lead was too light, he danced in a weird lose style I didn't recognize. Not great. And if I didn't already know he was an instructor I'd have guessed that he at least thought he was by his "dance floor" teaching.

So I was very disapointed when I went to group lessons this week, B wasn't there, but C was. He was subbing. I stuck around, because I was excited for the lessons - there were two new dances for me. I quickly wished I'd left. C was so condecending. He's used to privates, so he would spend 10 minutes at a time with a single person while the rest of us waited. I got that treatment once and I wished he hadn't. I think he eventually got frustrated with me - he just gave me this look and moved on to someone else. But, he kept asking me - "feel this? that's where you..." I wanted to say, and I should have "no, I don't feel it! You have a weak lead. and I DON'T feel it!" Then later on when I partnered with him on another dance - he kept telling me "no, go foward." and I'm thinking - what direction am I going in if this isn't foward? He never once said - you're swinging out, which is all I can really figure was going on, just "no, do this." I'm sorry, but if you want me to correct something, then I need to know first what I did wrong. I was not pleased when I finished the last class. I was pretty much set to ardently dislike him from then on.

Some of us decided to grab food afterward - and one of them invited C. C shows up and now I have to mingle with him over a late dinner. He spend a good amount of time flirting with the other girl at the table. But I'm sitting there thinking, yeah, I didn't click with him as at eacher, but man he's cute.

Then, I'm out at my normal place on Thursday and there he is. He spent like 3 songs talking to me, but he bought me a drink. We danced and he said that I was very good - I think he ended up getting drunk. But he was fun none-the-less. I saw him sit down and start talking to BMG at one point, she looked bored out of her mind and like she wanted nothing more than for him to leave. I laughed.

Her regular partner, show off guy - asked me to dance twice. He did some pretty fancy moves with me too, ones I've only ever seen him do with his regular partners.

But still - he's dead cute.

Tonight I got a random invite to J's club, from this guy I met back in November. He's leaving town and wanted to say good-bye. I've wanted to go back there for a while, so after furiously texting a few people for back up, I went. Only the guys showed up. L came, K, and CF. L didn't have a good time, but K and CF and the guy I met there were good sports. They have an even newer dj who played slightly better music. A little too heavy on the hip hop, but I ended up having a good time. Part of it was that J was not around. He was there but he was working valet. I said hi on the way in and out, I saw him briefly twice otherwise. And oddly I'm okay. I think I'm getting closer to friendly and away from nervousness.

I've come to the realization

I've finally realized that I don't want a career, or a profession. I don't want extra hours, professional development, and committee meetings. I don't want to have to take the initiative. I just want to sit down, do a job, do it well and leave. A job. Just a job. That's what I want.

I know I'm smart I could do the rest of it. But I don't want to. I don't have the motivation, the drive, the initiative. Because if I do it now, I'm just gonna have to keep doing it, and then it'll just get more and more responsibility from there.

I feel like the guy from Office Space or Kevin Spacey in American Beauty "That's okay, I want a position with the least amount of responsibility possible."

At least they're not mad

So the announcement about my transfer came today - more than 24 hours after it should have been.

The director comes to me takes me outside of our office door, takes my hand in hers and says "so, how are you doing?" As if she gives a shit. Then says she's going to email the announcement about my move and write it so that it sounds like it was my idea.

The funny thing is that - later one of my soon-to-be coworkers sees my current supervisor, and says, "wow, I didn't even know that Free Me applied for that job?" And my supervisor looked totally taken aback. Because I didn't apply for it. It was shoved down my throat.

Maybe it is my cynical nature, but I thought the other department was going to be a little peeved with me getting the job since I don't have the background. But they actually seemed really pleased. Sorry that I had to go through shit from the administration, but pleased that I'd be with them. They even said that I'd have a much better time of it there because they were very supportive. The person who's place I am taking said not to worry that it's pretty easy. A huge part of my anxiety was lifted when I found out that they were okay with me coming over to their side.

Another part of my anxiety is from wondering about my ability to do this job. I don't want to get fired in 3 months if I don't have something new.

Should I be weirded out by this?

So, I know I have a problem. I am addicted to shopping. I wasn't always like this. I liked to shop as much as the next person, but I didn't over do it.

Now I'm shopping constantly, every other day it seems like. Some of the stuff I have "buyers remorse" about and take back, but not everything. I am amassing a huge collection of dance clothes. I bought some months ago that I still haven't worn yet. I keep trying to put a moritorium on buying dance clothes, but I can't seem to. I've actually thought about cutting up my credit cards.

I found a flouncy skirt in a catalog got it, and it wasn't the color I was expecting - much lighter of a brown, almost tan - still nice and I couldn't exchange the color. But this meant I had to go find a new top to go with it. I did that, bought it, wore it with a work skirt, then went to wear it with the dance skirt only to find out it is too long for the dance skirt. I'm not going to cut it off to go with the dance skirt when it goes so well with work clothes. In my attempt to find a new shirt that would match I got another new skirt.

This one is white and it has attached shorts. It's very cute, and it should be because I found it in the kids department. Yep, it's an extra-large (I could have gone with the large, but it's 100% cotton) kids size, but still a kids size. I even tried on their tank tops hoping they'd be shorter - nope. Just as long and again, I could have worn the large.

I just don't know if I should be more weirded out by the fact that I can fit into a kids size, or that there are kids out there who are my size. I suppose if we are talking "tweens" 9-11 year olds who grow early I could see how you'd want bigger sizes of kids clothes because they're not ready (or shouldn't be) to head to the juniors department (and yeah, I find stuff there too). Otherwise I'm just picturing really fat little kids.

The plus side is that the skirt only cost me $7 regular price. It's definitely cheaper to buy my stuff there.

Don't be nice to me I hate you

Yeah, Thursday night BMG was nice to me. huh?

A week ago I was belle of the ball with so many pictures taken, this week not so much. Even tho YICguy was very complimentary about my outfit. Jean capri's and a tie back hankerchief top.

At the end of the night BMG is saying good bye to people around me where I'm changing my shoes and as she walks by me to go to her stuff she says, "You look really cute tonight." I said thank you and left it there.

I think show off guy might be getting the hate vibe from me toward her. They were dancing on Sunday and I looked over with a feeling of such disgust I'm sure it was there to read plainly. Later that night BMG looked at me funny like she kind of just realized I existed.

But at least I was civil to her in return. Not that I'd ever be mean to someone. Even someone I don't like. I generally believe that people don't deserve that.

Trying to see the hidden positive

My eldest brother says to look for the hidden positives so that's what I'm trying to do.

I got called in to meet with my Director. It seemed out of the blue to me and I asked a couple of people in my department if I should be nervous. They said there was no way to tell with her. So, I tried not to be. But I should have been.

It was my year end performance evaluation. Now, the director is as high as you go before getting to the Board, but as far as my worker bee status is conserned, she the Boss of Bosses. So, why is she doing my evaluation? Because my immediate supervisor, my department head is a chicken shit coward who didn't want to tell me herself. Yep, my supervisor asked the director to do it, and then she didn't even sit in on the meeting to give her input, when she wrote half of the thing. The other half was done by the Associate Director who hired me and was my supervisor for two months before this one was hired. What little respect I did have for the woman, has gone down the drain. Don't give me a bad review (I somewhat deserved it, but not all of it) and say that I have an attitude problem unless you are willing to tell it to my face. To hand it to a higher up to deal out the bad news is the most cowardly thing I have ever come across in my working life.

But the good news for her is that I will only be working under her for another month. Because I am being Transfered. Yep. I need too much "direction, guidance and mentoring" for my position which has none of those things and I'm being moved to a different department where their supervisor micro-manages everything. The Director then asks me how much course work I did in my degree for this position and I look at her - this is one of the women who interviewed me - before saying, none. I'm thinking - you elitist, out of touch with your own cooperation, bitch - you can't remember back 6 months to know that you asked me that question in the interview and decided to hire me anyway because of my "fresh" ideas.

I love how I was set up for failure and then hung out to dry when I lived up to that expectation.

Because I'm being transfered I have to start over with a three month probationary period. Which means I could get fired before I find a new job.

My current position will be open soon and I will love too see who they screw over next.

I know I wasn't doing some of the things I should, I'm not cut out for it I know that, but one of the things on my evaluation that I didn't deserve was that my programs aren't a big enough draw. I have doubled enrollment in our summer programs over last year's guy.

This place is so full of toxic bullshit I really need to get out. But the hidden positive is that, while I am here, I will actually have a more focused job and a supervisor that actually supervises. Which is what I needed to begin with having come straight out of grad school, but which was not given to me in this position. Maybe in the short time I have left in this hell hole, it will feel more like purgatory.

And Now....

I've been asked to meet with the big boss.

I'm freaking out.

It's one thing to hate this place, and to know I'm not doing a good job of it, but that doesn't mean I want the Director asking me for a personal meeting.

Deathly Hallows

Yes - there will be spoilers here -

I finally finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I got through the lull while they were hiding out and finished the last 1/4 in one night - stupid I know since I've got to work - but there you go.


1) I'm glad I was warned about the tissues - I think I used 4 or 5 in the last few chapters.

2) I totally called the Snape connection, both that he was good and that the reason he turned against Voldemort and helped Dumbeldore was that he was in love with Lily Evans. As soon as she was part of his worst memory ever back in Order of the Pheonix I've been saying it. The whole reason he hated Harry was because of James Potter.

3) I couldn't stand Dobby. He really annoyed the crap out of me and I was glad that he wasn't in the books so much after Chamber of Secrets. But still I cried when he died.

4) Fred was my favorite twin.

5) I did like Kreacher oddly enough - always have.

6) Loved all the back story - Snape, Dumbledore, the Grey Lady and Bloody Baron. Didn't like the epilogue. I think a family tree would have been cooler with some nod to the fact that the muggle-born wizards are on it. And we find out that Neville went back to Hogwarts to teach - but what is everyone else doing?

7) I can't believe that even w/ Dumbledore being dead J.K. still had the "Dumbledore Explains it all" chapter towards the end of this book.

8) I cried when Severus Snape died. And I like that Harry got over his hatered of him and named his kid after him - but who named their kid after Fred huh? Rose? Hugo? Ron must have let Hermione pick those out they're too normal.

9) I'm a big Harry Potter fan, even though I've got some criticism of the writing, pacing etc (see comment number 7) and I'm just so sad that it's over. The Boy Who Lived grew up.

10) And what about Luna? What happened to her 19 years later?

It is 2am, I have to go to work in 5 hours. Maybe I'll get to more comments later.

Way down deep, I'm not this Shallow

I was out dancing with my friend - the one who invited me out to BBQ on 4th of July (can't remember the initials I gave him anymore) and he asked me about CF, if I had "figured him out yet."

I'm thinking - what is there to figure? When he says, "Because we've figured you out."

Okay, now I'm intrigued. I've been figured out. Really? So then I ask, what he's figured out exactly. I don't think he wanted to tell me, he asked if I really wanted to know.

He started out by telling me that when I first came on the "scene" that he didn't pay much attention to me. "Why do you think that was?" he asked me. I said because I'm shy, unassuming, and I don't draw attention to myself. He said, no. Huh? or at least that's not all of it.

Apparently he thought I was about 19. It didn't help that one of the first times I ever hung out with him was at J's club and I got hugely drunk in an attempt to drown the realization that J didn't give a rat's ass about me. Also, CF at that point was interested in me, and CF usually likes younger girls. So the other guy naturally assumed that I was pretty young.

Then, he says that I don't share stuff about myself and that makes me come off as superficial.

Superficial - because I'm not telling people I dance with my deep seated dreams, fears, desires etc? That's just plain silly. I tell people where I'm from, what I do for a living, how my week was when they ask. There is only so much that people really need to know. Am I supposed to spend the time between dances talking about my stances on politics, religion, reproductive rights, animal rights, civil rights, the environment, literature, education, health care, the economy, outsourcing and anything else that is deep and weighty? Because I am a smart girl, I am a highly (perhaps too much so) educated person, I have opinions on all of those things, most of which are backed up by research and reading that I've done. I'm a published author and poet for crap's sake.

But when someone asks you as they lead you onto the dance floor or while you're getting water, "what's new?" All they are looking to hear is "oh my boss gave me a new project to work on" or "my kid got an A in math, I'm so proud" shit like that. They don't want me to pontificate on the world's world's issues.

I'm private. My life is my life, and people I see only rarely, they don't get the deeper stuff. It's not their right or privlage to know what makes me tick or to have me "figured out." If anything, this guy should be glad that I'm comfortable enough with him to be superficial. I don't generally care to let people know that I can be as petty as the next small or narrow minded person.

I'm a little pissed off with him.

Make that 9 to 5

There is a picture of my legs I didn't notice before. It's two couples dancing but only their legs. Very funny.

And there is a group shot I missed and another of me dancing that I also missed - so probably we're looking at 10! Twice as many.

I'm gonna have to wear a skirt and flirt with YIC guy more often!

Ha Ha! I win 7 to 5 take that.

Okay, so maybe I'm being childish, but I love it.

I checked online today and from dancing last night I have 7, count them 7 pictures up. 3 of them are with guys, 2 of them dancing, 1 standing around, 1 with a girl, and only 2 do I look kinda stupid (making a face).

Compared to 5 of BMG - mostly her dancing - so her back alot, and a couple of her with girls - HA!

To be honest though, I was a major flirt last night. Young Inner Circle guy was taking photos so I just went up to him, took the camera, put my arm around him and snapped a photo of us. That pretty much started the night off and it's how I got so many taken. I also danced with him 3 times. Sure, he's got a girlfriend, but still, get friendly with the inner circle and I'm on my way. Whoo hoo. I was in such a good mood (I didn't even drink!) that I looked at BMG in her micro mini and super tight tank and though, cute. At least this time it didn't look like she was coming from the gym, and there was no ass cheek showing.

I can't walk into a club in yoga shorts and feel good about myself, or a low rise terry cloth mini skirt with my underwear showing at the top. Here's what I don't get - when I wear a skirt that I know flares up I put shorts on underneath, not briefs. If I was wearing booty-shorts/hot-pants I'd wear a thong underneath so as to avoid the VPL. Not BMG though, she has the bikini brief VPL every time I see her. If I had a nice body like she does, why in the world would you not own a few thongs. And there are actually some very comfortable ones out there now-a-days.

But I'm really determined to let it go - what she wears etc. I looked pretty nice last night. I try to look nice when I go out. With any luck, this Proactive will start working soon. My chin and cheeks look like they've exploded.

It doesn't get better

I ordered a phone upgrade 2 weeks ago. Still haven't gotten the phone tho. I also couldn't get the tracking thing to work to see if it had even shipped yet. Finally it worked (needed some dashes in the number) and it says that the thing was delivered last Monday. A week ago! I never got a package slip on mailbox so I'm thinking it's been delivered to the wrong place, but the address isn't listed on the tracking page.

So I call up my apartment manager and ask. Oh yeah, he's got it. It's sitting right there. huh? wtf? really. I get stuff delivered all time. I'm a dance catalog junkie and I've recently started using Proactive for my acne (still waiting for it to work). So I know the protocol. I'm supposed to get a slip and that's how I know if I've got a delivery.

So this whole time I could have been using my beautiful new magenta RZR, but no somebody had to be a dumbass. What is it with managers?

Work Day Rant

Lord save me from inconsiderate managers.

My supervisor has an "appointment" and needs me to cover part of her desk duty for her. Her response to me saying that that is during my lunch hour: "well, don't you want to eat earlier?" Um, let's see. It's 9:30am, I'm just getting my breakfast while I sit in cube. No, I don't want to eat lunch in an hour and a half. Her response then basically, is too bad. She'll replace me later in the day - say 4ish. Great, so eat early or don't eat.

I'm sure her "appointment" is another pedicure. A few weeks ago - on a friday when we are always short handed, because 4 to 6 people in our department always have the day off on Friday (it's a rotational thing, gives us a 3 day weekend in exchange for working a weekend). She leaves the desk and the building for an "appointment" which she revealed to someone was a pedicure in the neighboring town 20minutes away. She left on her lunch hour with the thought that she'd be back to cover our lunches. Except, that she was late to the salon, so they took someone else ahead of her. Instead of saying to her self, "oh well, that's what I get for being late, I best get going so I my employees can eat their lunch" she waited.

So my co-worker and I are waiting and waiting thinking she's going to be back so that one of us can go to lunch. But we wait in vain. Finally I tell my co-worker to go that I'll stay by myself (which we are not supposed to do). She took a short lunch and then I did the same.

Finally 3 hours after she left our supervisor calls to tell us she's late )Oh really? I hadn't noticed) and to go ahead with our lunches anyway. Three hours later! She finally showed up about half an hour after that.

God only knows how she made up that time. I wonder how the people reading time sheets don't notice this shit. She's constantly coming in late, asking to switch her desk time, forgetting things at home and leaving for half a day to go get them, taking personal calls at work, leaving interns alone at the desk to take personal calls (it's one thing to leave a professional alone even tho it's a faux pax, but an intern - way to show you care about mentoring).

We had booksellers in the building the other day. They were using our desk area selling to the public and we relocated for a bit. They brought a bunch of stuff (candy calendars etc) and had things set out on the desk near their "registers." The idea being that they'd buy a book get up to pay for it and buy something else. Well, it was sitting out so some people were looking at it even tho they weren't in line to buy a book. My supervisor had a fit. She came over and started demanding that we keep the area clear. And I'm thinking - the stuff is there for browsing. If you want the area clear tell the booksellers to get their shit off the table because that is what is enticing people to mill about in this area. What am I supposed to tell people, "I'm sorry, I know we brought in booksellers for you today, but please don't browse their items." and am I supposed to tell the booksellers "I'm sorry, but it's my sworn duty to keep people from looking at these items so you can make less money and therefor not come back since it isn't worth your while."

In short. I can't stand my supervisor. I don't know how she got this job. She's scatterbrained, with no attention to detail, and runs roughshod over her employees.

Today's task - finish my cover letters, squeeze my resume onto two pages (it's got one line hanging off) and apply to two jobs before 5pm.

I just found out too, that one of my co-workers who I like very much, got a job elsewhere and starts early September. Another co-worker that I also like very much is looking elsewhere too. So, I have very little impetus to stay.

Friday Date Night

I had my date with K on Friday. We emailed through the week to set it up. I said I had to work the next morning so it couldn't be late. He emailed me that he had an idea but it would go too late and that he'd save it for another time. He wouldn't tell me what it was though. That creeps me out just a little bit. So he suggested a movie instead.

I didn't think that for someone who wants to get to know me so badly a movie was the greatest suggestion. Unless he was looking to feel me up in the dark or something. So I said dinner instead.

K wanted to meet downtown, I said lets meet in the middle and suggested a place and time. I just didn't want him picking me up at my place, or wanting to come in to my apartment.

I've pretty much decided that I'm not attracted to him. I was attracted to him being attracted to me. Particularly after the whole teasing texts from J.

K got to the restaurant early, I showed up and he was finishing his appetizer and drink. I thought that was rather rude. I understand that he had been working all day, but not to wait for me to order? He should have suggested 6 or 6:30 as a time to meet.

We talked. He kept hinting at his "story" and a "bad time" in his life a few years ago and his current boss being a savior. But he didn't or wouldn't elaborate. I wanted to sceam - "I know you've been in jail! just tell me yourself already." What if somebody having been in prison, or having committed some kind of crime is a deal breaker for me where my relationships are concerned? I've never been in the situation before, so I don't know if it is or not. I don't appreciate that important information being kept from me - when will he decide to tell me? Third date? When we're boyfriend and girlfriend? Never?

Frankly I don't plan on letting it get that far.

I realize that full disclosure on a first date is asking for alot. K keeps talking to me about how he sees some kind of change in me since the spring. He's mentioned it a ton, just going on and on about how great I look lately and how something is different. Frankly, I think it's only half me and the other half is him being broken up with his girlfriend looking for someone else's pants to get into.

I wish I could be less cynical, but even before being given the insider info about him, I wasn't feeling great about this.

I had always figured that we'd split the dinner check, or if he paid for it I'd offer to get us dessert (and then actually get us dessert). I didn't even get a chance to offer. He grabbed the bill and said, I'll get this and you can pay for dessert. Now, just because I'm looking back on it, I wish I had responded that I don't eat dessert, and that I'd prefer to pay for my meal. At least it would have ended the evening sooner.

We went for icecream - I wanted to stop at a family place we passed, but made the mistake of mentioning a particular chain that is good. So we drove more and we went to the chain. We got our icecream and walked around. I was itching to leave. Not only did I have to work in the morning, but I had errands to run for work before I could even punch in, and I had to pick up a video (for work) from the X.

K had other ideas. He wanted to sit and talk, then he wanted to 'hold' me. It makes me seriously uncomfortable his touchy-feely-ness. It's uber awkward sitting on a bench with some guy wrapped around you. I wasn't even doing anything back. He rubbed my back and was talking. I sort of just was limp. He didn't really get the message.

I wasn't particularly comfortable with his driving. He went through some major yellows I though the should have stopped for and he put his hand out the window to give some guy the finger. Both real turn offs. I remember my first "date" with The Jackass years ago and thinking he must be a good guy because he heard ambulence sirens and pulled over before I even registered them. When K dropped me off he tried to kiss me. I gave him a hug before I got out and as I pulled away he went in for the kiss. Literally, I went "oh!" and gave him my cheek. Then said thanks and got out.

I feel bad on the one hand because I totally made out with him two weeks ago. But I didn't really like it, and the whole back rubs "holding" me thing - I'm just not into it.

I expected him to be a little upset. I judged this by the lack of a middle-of-the-night text message which he usually sends me after seeing me.

Please rephrase that in the form of a question

Cruel Virgin gave me 5 interview questions (okay, I asked for them). I don't really think anyone else reads my blog - but on the off chance - anyone else can be interviewed by me, if they ask me in my comment section.

I must say that I was pleasantly suprised by the questions asked. I didn't really know what to expect, but these questions definetly made me think.

1. What to you is an ideal job, assuming that yes, you do have to work in order to survive? Elaborate at will.

The ideal job to me is a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I understand that people don't pay their bills by earning a paycheck for going to "fun" every day. It's work, it's a job. But you shouldn't dread it. You shouldn't want to avoid doing it or going there. We spend 1/3 of our day there, and good portion of our lives and we should get some satisfaction from doing it.

I wish I knew what my specific ideal job is. I mostly know what I don't like and yet it's everywhere I go.

I don't like micromanagers, I don't like being left to flounder with out training either. I like helping people, but I don't like the cranky public, I only like the appreciative ones. I don't mind young people (I work with them now) but only in small quantities, and not when they're giving me attitude or trying to be "cool" for their peers. I like learning new things, but I don't like being given things out side of my job duties or description.

In short - I'm way too picky.


2. What is the problem with all the men in the world, or am I just being stereotypically female?

It's the game. And unfortunately I think it's what's wrong with all of us male and female alike. It's the utter hypocrasy of the 'getting-you-into-bed' game. Maybe I'm being sterotypical too, but I've seen it over and over again, even with supposedly "nice" guys, "good" guys, guys who are boyfriend material, guys that are looking for a relationship. This game isn't restricted to players, I think it's just hardwired into their brains.

They do and say whatever it takes to get a woman's pants off, but once they get what they want they lose respect for the girl. Even guys who claim to not do this it's still there. Boyfriend or husband is still keeping score of how soon she got into bed with them, how dirty she talked, what she suggested, etc. and it will come up later. It might be subtle, but it's there with each and every male I have ever encountered - ever.

3. You live in what you refer to as an unpleasant area of the Midwest. What makes it so bad in your eyes? You don't need to name the state or city.

The city I live in currently has been dying for 40 years and unfortunately our politicians don't seem to be able to do anything about it. Our mayor in particular seems more interested in living the high life and spending money to do a decent job and get anything done. Why in the world the majority re-elected him I don't know.

My issue with the Midwest is that it was built on the manufacturing industry and that too is dying out in America. I feel for all of the workers and their families when yet another plant closes, here and in our surrounding states, but at the same time, hanging on to the manufacturing industry and hanging our livelihood on it is not going to help revive our state or the rest of the midwest. I disagree with the idea that if I drive a foreign car I am somehow contributing to the downward spiral of my community. The people here need to look forward. The politicians need to find new ways of revitalizing the state and this city instead of holding on to the past.

I also don't think the midwest is very interesting. We have no mountains, no rivers, no big city night life, no coast, no ocean. It's plain, and it's boring as hell.
Then there is the weather. Winter lasts 6 months - it starts in November and leaves in May. Spring lasts all of 2 seconds in between the last sleet-ice-snow storm of winter and the blistering hot 90+ degree days of summer (but I like those best), fall lasts for all of October, and while beautiful in some parts of the state only proclaims that negative tempatures with worse wind chills and mornings scraping ice and snow off my car are soon to arrive.

4. What two books should everyone read in order to become better human beings and why?

Hmm... that is a hard question because everyone reacts to books differently. Look at "The Secret" which Oprah had on her show - everyone and their mother wants to read that book, because supposedly it will change your life. Frankly, I want nothing to do with it and I refuse to even pick it up. But then I'm a book snob.

Also, I think becoming a better human being depends on action it requires the person to not only learn something from the book and then act on it.

The first book that came to mind tho was The Tao of Pooh. I think if everyone in this world could learn to be less materialistic the planet would be better off. If there is one truth that I beleive in it is the idea that suffering comes from want. I don't know if it's actually possible to eliminate want, and I know that I do a very bad job of even trying, but I think it's a great lesson to learn.

The only other one that comes to mind is Animal Farm. I think that hypocrisy is another important lesson in life (gosh I must be in a cynical mood today). In that people will always say one thing and do another. But I don't see how that is going to make anyone a better person - unless it's to strive to eliminate it from our behaviour.



5. Why do you blog?

Blogging started as an extention of my journaling. I've been journaling for about 10 years now. I have all of my old ones - I decorated each one differnetly depending on my age and mood at the time. I started writing in a journal when I realized I didn't want to turn 80 and wonder how I had spent my life.

It is for me also a way to talk about those things I do, feel, and think that I may not be so proud to admit to those around me. I don't trust people to not be judgemental - I get so much of it already and they see only the superficial me. I shudder to think what would happen if they saw the real.

I first started blogging after the X broke up with me. I was pretty fed up with myself and how I had allowed my existance and identity to wrap itself around him so completely. I was disgusted with myself and I took it out on myself physically. I started an extreme diet and began exercizing alot. I knew that I was on the verge of, if not already, developing an eating disorder and I needed a place to talk about it. Even then though, if you read my archives, I kind of skirted the topic and I talked about the way I thought I was supposed to. I gave up on blogging for a bit and then I started the fling with J. Again, it was behavior that was the antithesis of "me" and I knew the people around me wouldn't approve. So rather than confide in friends that I knew would be judgemental and encourage me to stop I kept quite and talked about it here.

I also think on some level I was also looking for feedback from my posts since I couldn't talk to those around me because I didn't/don't think they are supportive.

I guess, it's a way for me to safely show another side of my personality with out fear of reprisal. Whether my fears are founded or not, I've never really wished to find out.

Per the interview rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with a post containing your the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.