Other than being his girlfriend, I want:
To cook more meals with him
To stay in on a weekend DAY and play games or watch TV
Spend to days or nights in a row together
Go to a wine tasting
Take a cooking class
Play a game of scrabble
Meet his family
Have him meet mine
Go home with him for Fourth of July
Meet more of his friends
Have him come to one of my shows
Tell him I love him
Find out when and why he didn't marry his X
Find out what he's doing for my birthday
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Cowardly Lion
So a month later and I am still in the same boat. I had wanted to have some kind of "talk" with MM about our relationship. I just can't help thinking that I will hear something I don't want.
Our Valentine's great. He got me flowers and tickets to the theater, I got him booze. We cooked together, we ate, played a game, made love your typical V-day date.
The week after that we went to the theater. It was a fun time. I had found vintage looking dress and looked so good we had an impromptu photo shoot at the end of the night. He's going to try to make them look antique-y. I haven't seen them yet, although a few days later he texted me saying that I looked "stunning" in them.
He left for a long weekend over his spring break, came back for one night, and left on a business trip the next day. The night he was home we were supposed to hang and at the last minute he invited me to meet his bosses (the owner of his company and the head of the North American division - it's a small company even tho it's international). We went to a jazz club and had a drink with them. I mostly talked to the owner, and tried to be charming and appropriately flirtatious.
We went out when he got back on Friday to see a late show of The Watchmen and soaked in the hottub with OG afterwards. In the morning we had breakfast at a local diner. He spent the day watching movies and I went home to do laundry etc. I had a show that night and invited him (against my better judgment knowing he'd say no). He called asking how upset I'd be if he didn't come. I basically said that I invited him knowing full well that he wouldn't come. I was supposed to have a show the saturday he went for spring break. I had set it up especially so he could come and asked him well in advanced to put it on his calendar. But on Valentine's Day he asked if he could miss it because he wanted to visit this friend over spring break who had just had colon cancer surgery. The fact that he wouldn't come out this saturday because of the drive was extremely disapointing. I told him I'd eventually stop inviting him, and he replied not to give up on him yet.
The problem is that I am starting to give up. As much as I want to have this be a real relationship I have absolutely no clue how he feels. Since then I have not heard from him (it's tuesday) other than 3 lines of FB chat that I initiated and one text that I also initiated. Isn't he supposed to be calling me if he's thinking about me?
I had hoped to ask him to come out with my brother and sister-in-law this weekend, but if he doesn't call me I don't see how that's going to be possible. I know that I have to stop driving myself crazy trying to figure this guy out. I know that I can't just let go and let it take it's course. I keep trying to figure out ways of having the relationship talk ways of bringing it up and have yet to be able to do it. I've missed at least two good opportunities.
There are things I was looking forward to doing with him which is one of the reasons I keep waiting, but I find myself getting more and more emotional about it. I chicken out sometimes because I am afraid of the answer. I don't want to break up with him. But I can't make myself an emotional wreck either. I keep hoping that with time he'll make it clear to me and I'm afraid that he is with his apathy. I realized last night when I was thinking about our early dates, that he probably already has told me. On our second date I went over to his place and he made dinner we watched some tv and made out. He said that we'd go as far as I wanted but he'd try to get me into bed. At one point I made a joke that I wouldn't want to do anything that wouldn't make me respect him in the morning. And he said, if you don't respect me in the morning or ever call me again that'd be okay (or something to that effect). I didn't sleep with him for a couple of more weeks, but the point is what if that is the reality of the situation? What if even 5 months later, I'm just a fun girl to hang out with and have sex with? What if I ask to be his girlfriend and he says no?
I bought this card off of Etsy.com I don't know exactly what I'm going to say in it yet. Or if I'll even get to use it really. I really want to have the talk with him now. I am supposed to be near his place to study with OG (I'm taking a foreign language class this semester instead of teaching). I am hoping that he calls me today so that I can go over there after studying and over a glass of wine simply ask him "How do you feel about me?" to try to get the ball rolling. I just get really nervous when I think about it.
Our Valentine's great. He got me flowers and tickets to the theater, I got him booze. We cooked together, we ate, played a game, made love your typical V-day date.
The week after that we went to the theater. It was a fun time. I had found vintage looking dress and looked so good we had an impromptu photo shoot at the end of the night. He's going to try to make them look antique-y. I haven't seen them yet, although a few days later he texted me saying that I looked "stunning" in them.
He left for a long weekend over his spring break, came back for one night, and left on a business trip the next day. The night he was home we were supposed to hang and at the last minute he invited me to meet his bosses (the owner of his company and the head of the North American division - it's a small company even tho it's international). We went to a jazz club and had a drink with them. I mostly talked to the owner, and tried to be charming and appropriately flirtatious.
We went out when he got back on Friday to see a late show of The Watchmen and soaked in the hottub with OG afterwards. In the morning we had breakfast at a local diner. He spent the day watching movies and I went home to do laundry etc. I had a show that night and invited him (against my better judgment knowing he'd say no). He called asking how upset I'd be if he didn't come. I basically said that I invited him knowing full well that he wouldn't come. I was supposed to have a show the saturday he went for spring break. I had set it up especially so he could come and asked him well in advanced to put it on his calendar. But on Valentine's Day he asked if he could miss it because he wanted to visit this friend over spring break who had just had colon cancer surgery. The fact that he wouldn't come out this saturday because of the drive was extremely disapointing. I told him I'd eventually stop inviting him, and he replied not to give up on him yet.
The problem is that I am starting to give up. As much as I want to have this be a real relationship I have absolutely no clue how he feels. Since then I have not heard from him (it's tuesday) other than 3 lines of FB chat that I initiated and one text that I also initiated. Isn't he supposed to be calling me if he's thinking about me?
I had hoped to ask him to come out with my brother and sister-in-law this weekend, but if he doesn't call me I don't see how that's going to be possible. I know that I have to stop driving myself crazy trying to figure this guy out. I know that I can't just let go and let it take it's course. I keep trying to figure out ways of having the relationship talk ways of bringing it up and have yet to be able to do it. I've missed at least two good opportunities.
There are things I was looking forward to doing with him which is one of the reasons I keep waiting, but I find myself getting more and more emotional about it. I chicken out sometimes because I am afraid of the answer. I don't want to break up with him. But I can't make myself an emotional wreck either. I keep hoping that with time he'll make it clear to me and I'm afraid that he is with his apathy. I realized last night when I was thinking about our early dates, that he probably already has told me. On our second date I went over to his place and he made dinner we watched some tv and made out. He said that we'd go as far as I wanted but he'd try to get me into bed. At one point I made a joke that I wouldn't want to do anything that wouldn't make me respect him in the morning. And he said, if you don't respect me in the morning or ever call me again that'd be okay (or something to that effect). I didn't sleep with him for a couple of more weeks, but the point is what if that is the reality of the situation? What if even 5 months later, I'm just a fun girl to hang out with and have sex with? What if I ask to be his girlfriend and he says no?
I bought this card off of Etsy.com I don't know exactly what I'm going to say in it yet. Or if I'll even get to use it really. I really want to have the talk with him now. I am supposed to be near his place to study with OG (I'm taking a foreign language class this semester instead of teaching). I am hoping that he calls me today so that I can go over there after studying and over a glass of wine simply ask him "How do you feel about me?" to try to get the ball rolling. I just get really nervous when I think about it.
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