My skin is looking amazingly better this week. I've gone about three days with no new breakouts and only have three blemishes that are healing pretty quickly and some left over scars from the past 10 months. A few newer ones are already starting to fade. My instructor says that in 6-7 months I'll be all clear.
He tells me that part of the process is to externalize my stress. I can't keep hanging on to it and letting it pressure cook inside of me.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
That's how sucky life can be
I don't know why I'm hurt or surprised.
I was finishing my dinner break and one of my old co-workers (from my old department) and the girl they replaced me with came in. They were leaving together - going to yoga.
I know it's stupid. This girl is struggling in that job now too. Why do I begrudge her an office friend? Because she was my friend.
I was sat down by my supervisor on Friday and basically told that if I don't resign before Thanksgiving that she would be put in the awkward position of giving me a so-so review on my probationary review which could in all likely-hood result in me being fired.
I am still counting on the other job coming though (I have an interview on the First) and I've interviewed for a back up job too. So I knew I'd be leaving before then anyway. But having that said to you sucks.
I was finishing my dinner break and one of my old co-workers (from my old department) and the girl they replaced me with came in. They were leaving together - going to yoga.
I know it's stupid. This girl is struggling in that job now too. Why do I begrudge her an office friend? Because she was my friend.
I was sat down by my supervisor on Friday and basically told that if I don't resign before Thanksgiving that she would be put in the awkward position of giving me a so-so review on my probationary review which could in all likely-hood result in me being fired.
I am still counting on the other job coming though (I have an interview on the First) and I've interviewed for a back up job too. So I knew I'd be leaving before then anyway. But having that said to you sucks.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Two Weeks
Well, two weeks after I texted J I officially give up.
I deleted his phone number out of my cell's phone book and I am not answering any text messages should they happen to come my way.
Since we don't seem to talk to each other when we are out either, it should be no problem to ignore his existence completely.
I deleted his phone number out of my cell's phone book and I am not answering any text messages should they happen to come my way.
Since we don't seem to talk to each other when we are out either, it should be no problem to ignore his existence completely.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Surreal
I am finding it hard to believe that a month ago I was giving SOG and his girls death glares, but now I am hanging out with them and on the route to being friends.
I ended up doing two shows this weekend the regularly scheduled October 6 show, and filling in at the last minute on Friday as well. Then we had regular practice on Sunday. We all went out on Saturday night after the show to until like 5am. So it was alot of bonding time with people I used to think were too cool to be around.
I'm having trouble with my instructor's instructions to start forgiving people. I have reawakened my loathing for J. Last Wednesday he blanked me at a club. Didn't say hi and didn't ask me to dance. He said good-bye to SOG, but I don't even think J looked in my direction even though there were times that he was dancing right next to me. Then on Thursday I made the mistake of text messaging him. I wasn't trying to get together with him. I was out at my usual Thursday night club, I was thinking of B and J, and wondering why he never came out to this club, but the one time a few months ago. So I texted him and asked that. Today is Wednesday and he never responded. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he was out of town for the weekend. There was a huge dance congress out of town (the one that BMG quit the dance team in order to attend) and it's not impossible to believe that he would go. This didn't cheer me up when I thought of the possibility of J and BMG going together.
On Saturday as I was hanging out with B after our show J came up in conversation. I was pissed with him, I wanted her to know that he was just trying to get into her pants so I ended up saying something to that effect - that J was only calling and texting her to get into pants and that he'd stop if she would tell him that she has a boyfriend. I also called him a jerk because he never responded to my texts and only contacted me when he wanted to have sex. She rightly inferred that we had slept together, but promised she wouldn't say anything. The other girl on the team S (who is good friends with BMG) has the hots for L (we changed the subject when she came in to who on the dance scene would you sleep with given the chance). S also has a boyfriend, but things aren't going well. I wish I could have said don't bother, L is alot sexier out of bed than in it. S also mentioned J, but just to say that he had asked her to dance with him at his club a few times but was never able to.
I am still in the "I hate him but I want to win" mode. I want to dance really well with SOG sometime when J is watching. I want him to know that I'm not taking lessons with SOG, but that I'm on his dance team, just like all the other girls he's asked to help him out. I want him to know that I am good enough and then I want to squash him and his puny little ice-cold heart.
This attitude is a far way from forgiveness. I think even though I don't like her - I never got to know her - I have forgiven BMG. That was easier because the rational side of my brain always knew she wasn't an instigator and that she never really "stole" J away from me because he wasn't mine. But forgiving J is proving to be a much harder task. For five or six days now all I can think about is that he's a jackass, a bastard, a jerk and many other explicatives. I know I shouldn't want to be with someone like this. I deserve so much better. And I'm never going to change his mind or open his eyes he's never going "come to his senses." But giving up on him and forgiving him for his jerky behavior are not the same thing at all. I have yet to manage the first one even though every rational part of my being is trying to get me to do it.
I ended up doing two shows this weekend the regularly scheduled October 6 show, and filling in at the last minute on Friday as well. Then we had regular practice on Sunday. We all went out on Saturday night after the show to until like 5am. So it was alot of bonding time with people I used to think were too cool to be around.
I'm having trouble with my instructor's instructions to start forgiving people. I have reawakened my loathing for J. Last Wednesday he blanked me at a club. Didn't say hi and didn't ask me to dance. He said good-bye to SOG, but I don't even think J looked in my direction even though there were times that he was dancing right next to me. Then on Thursday I made the mistake of text messaging him. I wasn't trying to get together with him. I was out at my usual Thursday night club, I was thinking of B and J, and wondering why he never came out to this club, but the one time a few months ago. So I texted him and asked that. Today is Wednesday and he never responded. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he was out of town for the weekend. There was a huge dance congress out of town (the one that BMG quit the dance team in order to attend) and it's not impossible to believe that he would go. This didn't cheer me up when I thought of the possibility of J and BMG going together.
On Saturday as I was hanging out with B after our show J came up in conversation. I was pissed with him, I wanted her to know that he was just trying to get into her pants so I ended up saying something to that effect - that J was only calling and texting her to get into pants and that he'd stop if she would tell him that she has a boyfriend. I also called him a jerk because he never responded to my texts and only contacted me when he wanted to have sex. She rightly inferred that we had slept together, but promised she wouldn't say anything. The other girl on the team S (who is good friends with BMG) has the hots for L (we changed the subject when she came in to who on the dance scene would you sleep with given the chance). S also has a boyfriend, but things aren't going well. I wish I could have said don't bother, L is alot sexier out of bed than in it. S also mentioned J, but just to say that he had asked her to dance with him at his club a few times but was never able to.
I am still in the "I hate him but I want to win" mode. I want to dance really well with SOG sometime when J is watching. I want him to know that I'm not taking lessons with SOG, but that I'm on his dance team, just like all the other girls he's asked to help him out. I want him to know that I am good enough and then I want to squash him and his puny little ice-cold heart.
This attitude is a far way from forgiveness. I think even though I don't like her - I never got to know her - I have forgiven BMG. That was easier because the rational side of my brain always knew she wasn't an instigator and that she never really "stole" J away from me because he wasn't mine. But forgiving J is proving to be a much harder task. For five or six days now all I can think about is that he's a jackass, a bastard, a jerk and many other explicatives. I know I shouldn't want to be with someone like this. I deserve so much better. And I'm never going to change his mind or open his eyes he's never going "come to his senses." But giving up on him and forgiving him for his jerky behavior are not the same thing at all. I have yet to manage the first one even though every rational part of my being is trying to get me to do it.
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