Why is my head on all crooked?

Big Sigh...

Well, the date I had a month ago with Martini Man went really well. We went out to dinner, and had a couple of drinks afterward. It was pretty simple and for the most part we just talked, but half way through the night my cheeks were hurting from smiling and laughing so much. Thankfully we have the same sense of humor, which is kind of sarcastic and a little on the mean side. We've talked since and gone out a few more times. Our second date he made dinner and tried extremely hard to get into my pants. Our fourth date was a halloween party his friends were throwing. The party was only okay. We spent a lot of the time by ourselves making out before going back to his house at which point I did let him into my pants. I figured I'd go along with the "third date tradition." At the moment he's out of town on business.

The date with Yet Another Dancer went fine, but only fine. He picked me up for dinner, let me pick where we went (I chose Indian, since he said he liked spicy) and then when we were done he took me home. Sadly, our conversation was pretty superficial. The one thing I remember us talking about was pets. I also remember trying not to ogle our waiter who was extremely good looking and in any other circumstance I would have flirted with. YAD even bought me jewelery - a really tacky butterfly pin ('cuz I've somehow turned into the butterfly lady) that I'd never in a million years buy for myself or wear. Flowers on a first date, sure, jewelry ...can we say "trying too hard"? On the way home I told him that while I liked his company I really only liked him as friends at that point. The problem with YAD is that he went from fun and flirty to extremely clingy in a nanosecond. Since he dances he's at 90% of the same places I am. He would not only dance many many songs with me, but he'd look like I'd just kicked his puppy if I told him I was going to go dance with someone else if he asked. Heaven forbid I should go anywhere else, like the bathroom, for more than a few minutes. Inevitably I'd return to the dance floor only to be greeted with, "are you okay? where were you? I was worried when I couldn't find you anywhere." It got so annoying that at one point I answered, "I had to pee. Is that okay with you? I can go pee with out telling you first right?" He texted me once when he couldn't find me. That's when I had to call it quits. He facebook-messaged me after that incident (the texting) because he thought I seemed distant, and didn't we have a good date, a good conversation, blah blah blah. So I messaged him back saying that his actions proved that his feelings for me were way more than mine and I couldn't in good conscience see him anymore. He was confused obviously. On our first date I made it sound like we could go out to see if I developed romantic feelings for him. But I couldn't take the smothering anymore. He still calls on occasion and I haven't mentioned the other guy at all. That was all before Halloween.

The friend of NG overheard me telling someone I'd been on a good date recently (I was asked why I hadn't been to a particular dance venue) and asked me when I was bringing my "boyfriend" out to dance. I noticed that a few days ago NG finally changed his facebook status to "in a relationship" four months after he changed his myspace. Now, maybe I'm just being self centered, but I can't help but think it's more than a coincidence. It's either that, or because NG got past his normal usual 4 month break up point he felt he could change that one too. I got really depressed when I saw that. I was really hoping that he wouldn't make it past the 4 month mark with her. I hate to think that he found someone so quickly after dumping me. Proving how little he cared about me after all.

Even so, I've been thinking about him and the X lately. The X is in a relationship. Their facebook walls are covered with "I miss you" and "I'm so in love with him" messages. Yeah, mostly they're from her, but it's obviously mutual. Of course, my screwed up self has to choose this time to start posting on his wall (w/ my profile pic showing me in my skimpy halloween costume). I did feel kind of bad about it. I don't want him. I made that perfectly clear a year ago. I want him to be happy. So why I am trying to insinuate myself between them? Because that means he's found someone at least as good as me. Even though, I discovered she's in the process of a divorce. As in, not divorced yet. Anyway, I did feel bad so after she posted a particularly cute picture of the two of them - which I can't comment on because I'm not her "friend" but I can see because I'm his, I messaged him saying how good they looked together and that I was happy he was happy.

I did notice that she and I aren't that physically dis-similar - at least the me when I was with him. She's a little curvier (which I was before I lost all the weight after we broke up) she dyed her hair dark since they got together, and she's got the smart girl glasses look going on.

I also find myself really missing MM.It's been a full week and a day since I last talked/texted him. I keep fighting the urge to text him. I've read that book He's Just Not That Into You so many times it's ingrained in my brain "don't call." It's just so hard when I see NG and the X moving on and I want proof that I have too. I want to be able to hold MM up and say, "look, I've got somebody too." Oddly, what I like about us is that we can talk once or twice a week, go out once a week, and then text the rest of the time. He doesn't seem to get jealous with me dancing and I've already disclosed my friendship with DI and that is just a friendship. So I don't know why I should need to cling.

Funny, about DI, before halloween we had a talk about stuff. I got pretty drunk when we were hanging out and one little question ended up in me crying talking about how much I really don't like myself and rejection etc. Apparently, he thought something said indicated that I felt rejected by him. Which wasn't the case, but he brought it up and wanted to make sure that we were on the same page. I appreciated that to no end. He's made a few comments that often have me wondering what his true feelings are. It's not secret that he thinks I'm attractive. I just can't seem to figure out if that means also that he's attracted to me. He thought I was in High School the first time we met and he's 50, so color me confused. But in this conversation he did say that we were really good friends and that we shouldn't mess with something good.

Well that's interesting

Wednesday I got a text from my Dance Instructor asking if I wanted to see a movie or do something on Thursday night 'cuz his plans fell through. We've done a couple of movie nights on Thursdays and it's a good time; mellow, but good. So I said yeah, and then found out that there was going to be dancing at the casino again that night. The last time I tried to invite him he was reorganizing his home office, but I thought I'd try again. He agreed.

This is the gig that OG and J do together with another couple. I admit that I wanted to bring DI so that I could show off a little bit. I'm sick of feeling like J doesn't respect me as a dancer because he doesn't ask me to perform with him. I figured it'd be a fun night w/ OG and DI and I'd be okay with J.

Then before I start getting ready I get two texts and a voicemail. One text is from B: she's in town and wants to go out. The message was asking me if I was going to the casino to dance because OG told her about it. The other text was from a girl that had been on our team (Yet Another Girl), but quit in the summer obstensibly because of the time commitment, but in reality because she had reached a level where "she was getting anymore out of it." This is the girl who joined the team for the free private lessons, said she had terrible stage fright, and never once smiled during a performance. I made the mistake last weekend when I was out of town and J called desperate for a partner for the saturday (because all of his regulars including OG were out of town) of giving him YAG's number. I was being nice and for once I should have been selfish and said "gee J, I know all the people you do." But I didn't I was nice and I tried to help.

I'm such a moron. Because now he's given her dates for working on the weekends and invited her out to the casino night. When YAG was on the team I got told off by SOG for having an attitude, because I put up a stink about her having a ton of cool moves and being the new girl on the block. So, there was already some jealousy there. I also know now that J is pretty much out to get every girl he can into bed, so I'm sure that has alot to do with his asking her. Which frustrates me even more, because I have advanced a ton in the last few months, and it doesn't mean shit, because I've already slept with him.

I was a little afraid that I'd go out last night and have a miserable time, or end up making DI have a miserable time due to the drama. There was a little drama at one point. YAG forgot to bring shoes and borrowed a pair of mine, which didn't fit and after an hour wanted to get OG's spare pair. J had the keys and instead of giving them to YAG he went with her. They were gone for more than half an hour. And this was when he should have been working. OG was pissed off because he had fucked off and left her there to work alone. OG, B and I made comments about what "picking up a pair of shoes" really meant. So apparently B is catching on about J's proclivities. But for the most part it was a fun night.

Lots of people gave me and DI complements on our dancing. We even did a really slow number where people were lined up at the edge of the dance floor watching us and applauding. It was awesome. I danced one song with J, but we didn't really have the room and for the most part I wanted to be dancing with DI because he's so much better, and yeah then I could show off a little more.

And at the end of the night DI said he had had a great time. I think we are going to make it a monthly night out.

The downside to the whole night, was driving home. Construction made the 20 min trip getting back to my car w/ DI a 45 minute trip. And then as I was driving home I got an agitated call from OG because the ramps to her highway were closed and she was lost. Since I couldn't get straight answer from her about where she was I told her to hang up and call J, he knows the area. I called again in 10 minutes. He had given her directions, but she missed a sign and was in hysterics because she didn't know where she was, she was driving on top streets in an unfamiliar urban area and at one point she had to tell a teenage prostitute that no s/he wasn't getting a ride. At that point, I was pissed, because the conclusion I came to was that obviously J had given her half-assed directions. (It was easy to be mad at him after the YAG drama). I told her to lock her doors, roll up the window and I'd talk to her soon, hung up and called J.

He answered the phone after 4 rings all groggy sounding, but I knew he'd been on the phone with OG a few minutes before. And I said, "do you know that I have OG on the other line, crying her eyes out, w/ homeless people at her window because she's lost in the city. She hasn't slept since yesterday and she's driving on a spare tire," He did say he had just given her directions, but that he'd call her again. I was close to home, but stopped off to fill up my tank, figuring that if I had to I'd go all the way back and find her if I had to. But when I called her again she was on the correct freeway.

Other than that fiasco it was a good night.

When it Rains

It's odd, but now that I am busier than I have been in a whole year, now when I have no time to introduce new things or people into my life, now is when I have exactly that.

I have two dates this weekend. Two dates, two guys.

OG's birthday was last month and when we went out for a "quiet night" at a martini bar we both ended up getting plastered and dancing at multiple bars. The reason for that--these guys we met at said martini bar. We had noticed one of the guys in the group when he went by us to the bathroom because he was very attractive. Eventually the whole group moved over to a table near OG and I. One was trying to get our attention, but we wanted a quiet night so we ignored him and danced together instead. Mistake, because he was from Puerto Rico and immediately had something in common w/ the latin dancing. Turned out the attractive guy had no personality, but his friend (not the PR) who is not my type in the least (skinny nerdy red head), was so funny and interesting that now I have a date with him.

The second guy is a dancer who I know from about a year and a half ago, but he had a girlfriend and then he stopped dancing for awhile. Well he came back a few months ago, dancing, but with out the girlfriend. Now he's dancing with me non-stop, inviting me out, giving me back rubs, texting me, facebook messaging me and everything else to tell me how much he likes me. Finally over the weekend he came out and asked me to dinner.

So Friday I have a date with the Martini Man, and Sunday with Yet Another Dancer.

Long Time

I realized that it has been a really long time since I've posted anything. I have a back log of drafts that I started and didn't get to finish before posting. I will try to fill those in sometime soon.

The biggest change is that I'm working again. I had about an 8 month vacation, but I also got to the point where my credit card balance was larger than my bank account. Besides the dance instruction job that I took over from J which is only two hours a week, I took the first job I was offered. An adjunct instructor position at my local community college. I have two master degrees and one is good enough to teach at a community college. I had put my resume in with a different department, but when they became desperate for English instructors my info was forwarded and I got an email.

I started on September 3 teaching two different composition courses. With in a couple of weeks I was also offered a position in my preferred profession, the one I left and was wondering if I'd go back to. I am glad that I took the position. I am glad to be back. I realized it was a mistake to go into the public realm and since returning to academics I'm much happier. It is at a different school than the one I'm currently teaching at. But in someways it's very similar. Instead of a community college it is called a "right to try" college. So they'll take anyone with a high school diploma or the equivalent.

It turns out that the English teaching was a huge mistake also. I don't think that I have gotten a full night's sleep since I started. First it's two different classes so that is twice the preparation time. And since I've never taught these before it takes a long time to prepare. It's Composition I and II. So I have to cover some pretty basic things, grammar, writing well, thesis, intro, conclusion etc. And my Comp I is mostly freshmen. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to comma patients. Honestly, they say they get it, but really they're not listening, not paying attention, not caring and their performance shows it. I've gotten to the point where I'm starting to not care also. Maybe 1/4 of my students are actually trying. They are the same kids that sit up front and try to answer every question. The funny thing is that I don't dislike them as people, just as students.

I've come to realize that I take my intelligence for granted. I don't need to be told three times that a paper needs to be double spaced and still hand it in single spaced. Or take a homework assignment and attempt to do it with out reading the directions. Or just not do an assignment because I don't understand it because I haven't read the directions, or I didn't listen to the instructor explain the directions.

I have a huge stack papers that need to be graded and I just can't make myself get to it. They were turned in last week Wednesday, but I was busy getting ready for a weekend dance trip (3 days and nights of dancing and workshops!) and trying to clean my house for my mother's return home.

I've begun grinding my teeth at night and dreaming about problem students. I am more stressed than I can ever remember being. I was supposed to choose my winter semester classes by today and I just couldn't to it.

My schedule right now is: Mon/Wed 9am to 9:30pm, Tues/Thurs 8:30am to 7:30pm, and Friday 8:30a - 3pm. That doesn't include commuting there and back 1/2 an hour to an hour each way. On top of that I still have dance team practice on thursdays and sundays, my private lessons I do after work on Fridays, group classes on Saturday. I'm drowning in work and my personal goals are suffering.

I was supposed to decide by today what classes I wanted to teach for next semester. I told the chair of my department that none fit my schedule. I just can't take this again in the winter. Instead I'm refocusing on my dancing and I'm going to take two classes instead. It's time to get selfish again for 2009.

I really need something else to do

I was trolling around facebook today.

I found

1) a photo album of JB's wedding.
2) a friend of J's from the city he visited who is engaged to someone else.

Color me confused

If you're gonna play in the mud

Went out with OG on Friday. It was either another friday alone at the movies, or going to see her and J dance. So I went with going out with her. I really should have gone to the movies.

I was hanging out at the bar with J's Brother. I think we got on the topic of the labor day weekend and plans. An outdoor festival was my plan, until OG asked me to do the saturday night show with her because J had friends in town and needed the night off. So that became my plan instead. JB then said that yes, this girl that J's dating, his other brother and his girlfriend, and the parents were all coming over to JB's house for the long weekend.

Yep, the girl that J's dating, the one he was picking up from the airport that night, the one that he couldn't bring out on saturday, the one from the same state he visited over the 4th of July weekend, the same one he cheated on two weeks ago by having sex with me.

Now, I remember a good bit of our hot tub conversations, and while I do recall a mention of a girl "I used to date" and a girl "I dated" but I am 100% positive that there was never a mention of a current girlfriend.

OG and I invited JB out for coffee with us when we left. He was going to join us, but half way there calls and says he can't he's got to go pick up J and his "lady friend" at the airport, because J illegally parked and was towed. At which point I responded "wow, what a great impression to make when you're picking up your girlfriend, welcome to The City, oh, I have no car." I was not corrected in the use of the word girlfriend.

Now, the pros of this situation are 1) I can stop thinking J is a kid in a candy store when it comes to sex and women and remind myself that he really is a player, and 2) I will never trust the guy again and 3) will never sleep with the guy again, and 4) can honestly say that my need to perform with him is quickly being engulfed by red hot seething hatred and 5) maybe I'm being cured of my ridiculous obsession.

I try to keep reminding myself, that unlike some people I know (B) I didn't intentionally cheat on anybody. I didn't look at J with a girlfriend and say, I want me some of that. In my mind he wouldn't have slept with me if he was in a relationship, but then I have ethics. I keep forgetting that some people don't. I feel so bad for this girl who flew out for a long weekend with her boyfriend and his family, and has no idea what a douche bag he really is. And the fact that I was put in the situation of having helped hurt her (if she ever finds out) makes me furious.

At the same time, JB continues to pursue me. He was asking OG if he was my type. He asked me if I had dated his brother (hmm...date? not exactly). Of course knowing his brother, he's got to know what "kinda sorta" really means. The sad part is, his brother is extremely nice. I've heard of these stories (like the airport) where he helps out J so many times. But I'm afraid I'd only go out with him to upset J. Three days ago I would have said to make J jealous, but now I know better. J did take JB aside and told him to stop flirting with me and OG. Except, deep down I know I'm a good person and I'd never do that to a nice guy.

Groupie

There was a dance night at a local casino last night. I went knowing some other dancers were also going to be there. OG, J, and another couple were performing there as well. J got the job and it was for two couples so he invited his other dance partner, and another guy. They were there to dance on the dance floor to get people interested and then to dance with other people to. So it was more interactive and not a straight performance.

The night started pretty fun. There were dancers there. During some of the club music there weren't many people dancing so I got to do a samba with J. But later the band wasn't great. They played some really bad songs right when OG, J and the other two went to take their break and change. Which meant there was almost nobody dancing. Most of the real dancers left at that point. When the band took a break they started playing clubbing music and there were alot more people on the floor - which was fun for all of three songs.

When the band came back I mostly got to stand around. I ended up with two dances, one with J and one with the other performer. Then both me and my ride wanted to go. So we left. We ended up leaving the same time as OG, J and the other couple. We were waiting for an elevator when J invited us to continue partying - apparently the casino gave them hotel rooms to change in and somehow got to keep them for the night. My ride didn't want to, but I ended up staying 'cuz OG said she'd give me a ride home.

The plan was to eat drink, and maybe go back to OG's for the hottub, or just drink in one of the rooms. But J had forgotten a dr. appointment he had at 8am. So we ended up just getting food. The other guy called it a night before the food even, so it was just J and three girls. The other dance partner was quite nice. The two of them are obviously good friends. Turns out they work at a dance studio together.

But at the beginning and the very end of the night talk was on performing. The casino wants to repeat the night once a month, but the night starts before the other dance partner gets off of work at the studio. J just said she's have to be all hooched out and ready to go and just be half an hour late. At the end of the evening he was setting up dates for them to perform with him, and it was very awkward feeling. Here I am dying to do more shows of any kind and he'd rather have this girl show up late than ask me to do it.

So I'm sitting there feeling like a stupid wannabe. It's like the groupies that can't be musicians so they just hang around them all the time. That's me. Since nobody actually wants to perform with me I guess I'll just sit next to the real performers and seethe inwardly with jealousy.

An Interesting evening part 2 What happens in the hot tub stays in the hot tub

We pinky swore, so I can't reveal what others said, but I can talk about the crazy hours in the hot tub, and the crazy hours after the hot tub.

If I can figure out where to begin.

We got in the hot tub - OG lent me a swim suit, she had another, and J went commando. That in itself would have been a decent end to the night, but it kept getting more and more surreal. OG took her top off, so I did too. Then she got us wine, and after the wine tequila. And we started playing a weird game of truth.

Like I said we pinky swore that what was said that night would stay there, but I think I safely share a couple of tidbits. I was kind of surprised that J's craziest moment was actually a time that we were together. I actually admitted to starving myself when J asked for something no one else knows. It was really illuminating for me to hang out with J like that. To hear from him all of these different sex-capades. I always figured he was a player, but now I realize he's just a slut.

We eventually got way to warm in the hot tub, got out and started dancing on the patio. J, naked, and us topless. Eventually J and I ended up making out and OG left us to it. Needless to say we ended up doing it on her patio. I can't believe how much of I have missed being with him, sexually I mean. The only weird thing was J wanting OG to watch. I think he wanted her to take of care herself while we did it. But she wasn't having any of that and went inside until we were done.

We got back in the hot tub for a bit, but it was getting light out and OG was afraid her parents would get up so, we got out and went to breakfast. We were a little obnoxious and took lots of pictures. The truth continued a little bit more. A second pinky swear made sure that what was said at the diner table stayed between us. B came up at one point, B and her BF, but OG very carefully deflected the conversation. But I think if we ever hang out like this again sometime, I might have to bring it up. J's Brother (JsB)came up in conversation. Apparently he did ask J about me last night, and J's response was that we had gone a couple of times. Probably the most diplomatic of answers, if not the most truthful. I feel a little bad about the JsB situation. He's so nice, and alot more stable than J is, but it makes me wonder how many girls he loses to his brother.

OG and J had to work at 10am, but it was only like 7am, but couldn't go back to her house. We ended up parking the car lowering the back seats (I have a hatchback now) and cuddling - or making a puppy pile as I call it - and sleeping. Well, mostly sleeping. At some point J, started groping me, and he had a huge hard on, so I started groping him, and the next thing I know, we're doing it (ah the memories) and OG has to move up to the front seat to avoid us. I'm smiling thinking about, but at the same time I'm pretty appalled, and will officially have to change my answer to "what's the craziest thing you've ever done?"

After that we drove back, dropped OG off, and left. They went to work, and I got into a car accident (yes, with my new car!) trying to get to a quickstep lesson. That's Karma for you. Apparently my car does not like being used as a sex-mobile and told me so by making me pay out the wazoo for repairs and the ticket.

Oddly, it was a majorly fun night. And I think that it went a long way to putting to rest all my issues about J. Seeing him as he really is not as how I think he is or how I want him to be or how he was when he was getting in my pants. I think was the first step to being comfortable with him as a friend. Who would have thought?

An Interesting evening part 1 - Dance Dance

Other Girl (OG)decided she wanted to go check out her performing competition at J's club last night and wanted me to go along. The plan was to go shopping - a boutique was having a sale and I need new work clothes - then we'd get ready, eat there, watch them dance and dance a little ourselves.

At first I told her I'd go shopping, but not out after. I figured I needed to stop seeing J all together. I hd been toying with the idea of asking him to practice with me, in the hopes that proximity would get all the feelings out of me. But in the end I figured I'd just steer clear of him all together. I was particularly upset when the last couple of shows that OG bailed on he didn't ask me to fill in. Even tho she suggested he call me. It's like, why doesn't he want to dance with me? On top of that I've been thinking alot about NG lately. So I was expecting to be pretty miserable if I did go.

She ended up calling him and telling him that we were coming even tho she wasn't dancing - I still could have opted out, but I had the brilliant idea of inviting Frenchy. Thinking him paying me alot of attention and then I'd have someone to dance with too since J doesn't really ask me that much.

But Frenchy said he couldn't make it. He said he was "on-call" for 3 or 4 days and couldn't go out. But I'm not sure I believe him. He was really nice on the phone 'cuz I was calling him, until I invited him and then he suddenly had to go. I think I may have spooked him. Until now we've only really hung out at his place and had sex. We played raquettball once.

So I was pretty bummed to start out the evening but cheered up after finding some cute clothes. And decided to go with her and make the most of it.

We got there and started talking to J's brother. He's quite the flirt, but I don't usually think much of it. But then OG says he's asked about me before and at some point in the evening he asked me out. I tried to play it off, hoping he wasn't serious. He just asked me if I was seeing someone, and I said kind of. Because I don't really know what's up with me and Frenchy. I'm kind of seeing him, but we're not really dating.

OG checked out her "competition" that is J's other dance partner. They are on par with each other. OG is younger and cuter where as this girl was more obviously sexy, she wore a very short skirt, a top that kept riding up and she definitely knows how to body roll. I feel a little better after seeing her in knowing why J would call her to fill in for OG and not me. But I'm close, very close. I feel bad sometimes wanting OG to move on to better things so I can have her spot there. But I do wish it.

I bet OG earlier in the night that J wouldn't ask me to dance, I bet her in escelating amounts that he wouldn't ask me for one dance, more than one dance, and a romantic dance. He ended up asking me for the romantic dance. So now I owe OG $20. I even danced with his brother, and he asked me to teach him a few moves. At the end of the night J even asked me to foxtrot with him when sinatra closed down the dance floor.

After that I invited the brothers for coffee. So we went out for another drink instead. The talk turned to dancing and eventually the brother left. I felt really bad because I had wanted him to be included. I tried to sit between him and J so that I could keep him in the conversation, but OG got there first.

We had some good conversation, even though his brother got left out. I mentioned that I have his job now. He thought it was great. I talked about doing lifts and more ballroom stuff. We talked about performing and while OG and J don't think that SOG treats me fair, I got to make my point that I have no other outlet for performing. It's him or nothing. It was a subtle hint for J that I want to perform more.

After that OG invited J back to her place (she drove and my car was at her house) for a soak in the hot tub. We got there around 3am and were in the hot tub until about 6 am.

Paranoia

I was so upset yesterday by the "I shouldn't have texted him" panic, that I didn't even do my grocery shopping at that store. Since it's only a mile from my home, I immediately turned around and went home.

Last night I spent at Frenchy's and on the way home I decided I ought to stop and pick up the rest of my groceries.

I'm reading "The Great American Detox Diet" by Alex Jamieson. She's the wife of Morgan Spurlock and wrote the book after people kept asking her about the diet she put him on after he finished eating McDonalds 24/7 for Supersize Me. I am currently eliminating sugar from my diet and my system. Most of my staple foods have sugar in them, not to mention all the sweets I like. But salsa, pasta sauce, enchilada sauce, salad dressing, bread, wheat tortillas, gum, mints. They all have sugar in some form or another. Eventually I will put back in honey, and some of the less obvious forms of sugar like evaporated cane juice. But I'm saying goodbye to high fructose corn syrup, and sugar if it's too high on the ingredients list. This also means I'm off of alcohol for the time being, but I'll probably go back to wine and beer eventually too.

Anyway, I'm super paranoid about going anywhere near this shopping center. It was 12:30 by the time I got there and parked. I notice a Pontiac in the row next to me and freak out. Re-park. Go in buy my stuff (found a salsa with no sugar!) and come out. I drive by the pontiac again, but it's not his.

I'm starting to feel like a stalker just by living here.

Power of the Mind

So, obviously I've been thinking alot about NG since I found out he has a girlfriend now. To top it off he works not that far from where I live since I moved back to my mom's house. I realized it on the way back from a dance lesson, I pass his work every time I go to and from my private lesson. (blech)

I was out and about early this afternoon - One-ish. And I'm thinking of NG, 'cuz monday when we were going out was his evening shift, he didn't go in until 1pm. My grocery store is basically across the street from his work. There are also some restaurants, anyway, it's going through my mind how it's a good thing I'm on a ridiculously strict diet right now, or I could just start trolling the restaurants around lunch time each day until I run into him. But I'm thinking how I don't want to run into him. I've been going over senarios in my head and I usually end up being very mean.

Anyway, I'm driving into my grocery store and who do I drive right by? NG.

I recongized his car and then his licence plate - he has an alumni plate from our mutual alma mater.

I made the mistake of texting him. It's funny because if it were the X, it would have been a total no brainer. We got along so well after some time had passed. That I would email or text him when I thought of stuff he'd like or if I saw him randomly.

But as soon as I sent it, I thought "what am I doing?" NG's not the X, NG didn't stay friends with me. NG was friendly the week after, had one more conversation with me in May, and has never returned an email.

Not to mention - how much more stalker-like can it get than: Hey, were you driving down main st at 2pm today, after leaving the grocery store parking lot? Cuz I totally saw you there!! LOL

Okay - that's not what I said, but close enough.

He did respond - just asking what I was doing in the area, and I've got nothing from my responce.

I'm deleting his number from my phone. I just can't have this happen ever again. If I had done that in the first place then this never would have happened.

Joining the ranks of employed persons

So after after months of not having a job, and not really looking very hard for one, I am about to become employed again. Yay me!

Two weeks ago wednesday I had an interview and recieved a phone call. The interview is for a part time position in my profession, and the phone call was about a dance instruction job. J's old job, and the class that I first attented two years ago at my gym. I don't know if his availability got so low that they replaced him, or if he got so busy he quit. But either way, the student has become the master!! Mwahahahaha.

I still have not heard back from the interview, however, last wednesday I got an email from a professor at the local community college asking if I wanted to become an adjunct and teach English Composition. I put in an application about a year ago when I found out I was going to get booted out of my job, in a different department. But I do have a masters degree in writing so they must have filed my app in more than one place (or possibly misfiled it, who knows). The email went out to a number of people, but I got mine about 3 hours after it was sent and immediately said yes.

So as of September 3 I will actually be employed at least part time. And I am going to call on the other interview, because I should be the only one being considered as I had inside information and as far as I know the job was never posted. A friend left the position, and her boss doesn't want to interview 100 qualified applicants. So when she left the job, I applied and the job was never posted as being open. I think the boss is a bit of a procastinator so I just need to call and remind her that I'm still waiting.

Why I should stay off the internet

NG is in a relationship. He changed his myspace status. I haven't thought about him in a long time, I have this French guy who I've seen on a few occasions who is really nice to me, and yet here I am crying.

I feel even more stupid for holding on to the feeling that he'd come to his senses. That after some months had gone by we'd be at a club and he'd ask me out again, that things would go well the second time. I guess all my excuses for why he broke up with me were wrong. He just didn't want me.

Heroes and Villains

The past few days I've been ill at home w/ a viral infection doing nothing more than watching tv, eating fruit and drinking water and gatorade.

I saw a couple of interesting things on tv in that time. First was the advertisement for the upcoming third season of Heroes. This "volume" is called "villains" and the add shows not only the known villains we've met in seasons one and two, new ones, and a few of our favorite heroes as possible villains. Because in every hero there could be a villain.

Then I caught on the history channel a show about Batman and the "reality" of his gizmos and gadgets, his suit, but also his personality and those of his enemies. Someone made an interesting point. That both Batman and the villains have had a traumatic event and while Bruce Wayne/Batman decides that this injustice must never perpetrated on another, the villains in a similar moment decide that this injustice is an excuse for payback, a license to hurt others as they've been hurt. They compared Batman to his famous villains and showed that if weren't for a small choice he'd be like any one of them.

I'm not saying I'm a hero or a villain. But I do always feel like there's these two opposing people inside of me. There's the one that likes herself the way she is, her body, her interests, her looks, her brain, her talents. This one has good self-esteem and knows what she deserves, can stand up for herself. And there's the girl that hates herself who is never good enough no matter what she does, no matter what she says, how hard she tries. She's never skinny enough, tone enough, fast enough, strong enough. She doesn't look good in her clothes, she's not talented, or funny, or interesting and people aren't interested in her. This one takes what people give her and accepts the crumbs if that's all it is. There's the girl who values honesty, and fairness and wants to treat every one with respect next to the girl who's so good at lying, and hiding what she does or feels. One one hand I'm the shy, quiet girl who doesn't know what to do with attention from people even if she got it, and on the other I'm a girl who wears leopard print dance shoes and short skirts.

I wonder if I put my standards for other people too high. If I expect them to be all of one or the other. I keep coming back to B being a bad person, a bad christian, a bad friend. But undeniably she is fun to be around, fun to go out with. But being fun doesn't mean being good. But not being 100% good doesn't make them bad either. I guess when it comes right down to it I judge it by two things - things that I try to live by also - and that's choice and hypocrisy. With one exception as a child, I can't remember ever choosing to hurt another person. It has been the unfortunate outcome of some decisions, but I can't remember it ever being my intent. And I feel that what ever B says, when she knows that being unfaithful will her hurt her boyfriend, then being unfaithful is a choice to hurt him. I also dislike hypocrisy. I don't eat meat because to me it is hypocritcal to treat a cat humanely and eat the cow that was treated inhumanely. We live by laws that say you must treat your companion animal in such a way, but none that say we have to treat cows, chickens, lambs etc that way. Its the reason I'm becoming vegan too - in the end I saw being only a strict vegetarian as being hypocritical as well - I won't eat the cow, but I'll eat the cheese that was made from a cows milk. And, no, I don't trust government regulations on "free range" and "organic" so I won't be buying those either. What I hate most of all is a religious hypocrit. I know it's from the way I was raised and the strict christian upbringing I had (and then rejected - I choose to be a good person because I respect my fellow man, not because christ is going let me into heaven if I behave). But to those who profess to being religious, to being christian, and following a certain set of guidelines, I hold them to those standards. B to me does not live a christian life. Not by the standards she herself spouts. I'm sure she thinks it's fine, because afterall jesus forgives, confession clears the soul and conscience freeing it up for more sin later. I think people like to forget that little catch about being sorry for what you've done. And how sorry can you be if you keep doing it?

I am considering calling her once she's moved back home - just once - not to get everything off my chest - although that would feel so good - but I'm sure it would hurt her to know what a lousy friend I think she is - and I don't like to hurt people intentionally. I just want to leave her a voicemail. I want to say: have a happy life at home, get some counseling before you get married, figure out why you are pulling this bullshit on someone you're supposed to love or be in love with, and then when you're really and truely ready get married if you still want to. And then I want to say: but don't every tell me again when you cheat, I'm washing my hands of it, I'm not your confessor to lay your problems at my feet to carry so you can go on and feel better releaved of your burden, I'm done. The funny thing is I wouldn't be doing it for her. I really want it for her fiance. Sure he knows what he's getting into, but for him, I want B to be a better person. Someone worthy of all of his forgiveness.

Of course the villainous side of me doesn't want to do that at all. The villainous side of me is so scared that if B were single she'd come back here. She'd start dating J. or that they would meet up for clandestine romantic vacations. My villainous side has a fantasy whereby I become J's girlfriend (the how is not worked out in the fantasy, but I think it has something to do with his brother telling him he'd be an idiot if he didn't take me out on at least one date) and when April rolls around for B's wedding. I say, hey, lets go together. Lets show up and show her that I won because the villainous side of me wants payback, wants to hurt her the way she hurt me, take something that she liked and make it mine.

But it's just a fantasy. I really do plan to keep my villain securely locked inside.

Say What You Need to Say

B is leaving town earlier than expected. Her going away party is tonight and she's gone the following friday. She found out today that her fiance did get the job on the west coast, so that's that. She's leaving and other than an occasional visit, like for the marathon this fall, she's not coming back.

I went out tonight with OG (other girl) from our dance team, she was performing with J. I was in a bad mood about J from yesterday because OG calls me up asking for directions (usually I drive). He asked her to do a private party with him that day. I was pissed because I specifically talked to him about doing the daytime parties with him and he made it sound like he'd give them to me.

I didn't think B was going to be coming out because we'd gone out the night before (our last thursday night out - I'd avoided them for awhile, but I figured I'd make nice on the last one ever) and she said she was hanging with another friend after work. But low-and-behold she shows up. J gives her a hug and dances 3 songs with her. He never asked me once.

B claims that she has to ask him to dance as well - which frankly, I won't do. I said as much. I called him a jack ass a few times. And then she comes out with "Can I confess something to you?" To which I said "I already know." But it turns out she wasn't talking about J. She made out with a married guy at her work today.

I was shocked and not. The first thing out of my mouth was "What the fuck are you doing?" I told her point blank that eventually she was gonna screw things up with her fiance, that eventually she was gonna do this with someone who wants to do something more than just have an affiar - I pointed out that J just wanted a no strings attached arrangement (I honestly think she may not have considered that before) - and then everyone was going to get hurt. And I did mention that I was telling her as a friend because she needs to hear it.

I so badly wanted to go into a "you may love him, but you don't respect him" rant. Or my what about being a christian, didn't christ say "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" she's be devestated if her fiance did have the shit she does. But then J came up and asked her dance song number 4. I was extremely pissed off the rest of the night. Until Bethany mentioned that her fiance got the job in their home state. Suddenly - while upset - I hate that J doesn't ask me to dance - I was in a much better mood.

I didn't get to say my whole peace, but I got to tell her, and I got to tell her that I knew about J. I wish I could have gone off on that for a bit, but she can't be so stupid as to think that I wasn't hurt by it. But I got say something. Now she can go away and make a mess of her life and her relationship away from me and I can officially not be a part of it.

Good news, Bad news

The good news is that B is leaving town earlier than expected. She's out the same time I'm going on vacation. So basically I've only got two more weeks of possibly seeing her so maybe 3 times total.

The bad news her fiance may be getting a job in town, which means she'll be back in February or soon after their wedding.

I was hoping he'd get a job in their home state so she'd be gone altogether.

Although, the evil streak in me wouldn't mind seeing the fall out of Married-B trying to keep it cool around J when they are practicing and dancing together. I'm sure he'd still perform with her since he did after the engagement news. I'm still bitter about that - although, maybe it will give me the extra drive to perform even better to improve even more while she's gone. My goal is the splits since so far only one girl on the team can do them.

I wished I believed in the power of prayer so that I could pray her fiance got the out of town job. As it stand I do believe that what you put out into the universe comes back to you, and I don't want to negatively effect myself. I just had to replace my car (it died over 4th of July) and now I really need a job if I want to make the car payments.

Sometimes trying to be a good person really sucks.

Moving on and Getting over are two completely unrelated things

I was up late (early) enough to catch an episode of Dawson's Creek (at 4:30am) this week. It was the episode where Pacey and Joey are trying to break it to Dawson that they're a couple. Now, Dawson and Joey broke up the year before, but they're still treading lightly because they know he's going to be unreasonably angry. And lo and behold they are correct. He basically makes Joey choose between being his friend or Pacey's girl-friend. And we all know how that turned out.

Besides revelling in the awesome '90's-ness of it all and harkening back to my college days when most of girls on my hall, and some of the guys from below us would watch Dawson's Creek in my neighboring dormmates room, I was also was also drawing a rather unflattering comparison between myself and VanderBeek's overly upset Dawson. I mean if he only wants to be friends with Joey (in his rant he asks her if she's upset for him not wanting to get back together) then why is he upset if his friend wants to go out with her?

I don't know how often I've said I'm Done with J. I tell myself all the time in my head. I even moved on to a better guy. Sure it didn't last, but I can at least I can admit he's better. So why am I unreasonably bitter about the B & J conundrum?

Then I was reading a book that a friend was going to throw out. In it I found the quote "Like love is a habit you couldn't break."

I can't seem to get over J or NG. I feel like I've moved on - through necessity. I've gone out with other guys. But when it comes down to it I'd take one of them first. I haven't even seen or spoken to NG in months. But I still think about him often, and I take a look at his facebook page now and then.

I feel like I've gotten into this habit of wanting them and I can't get out of it. I know that I can, and maybe even will. I got over the X and the XX, I just can't remember when that happened. I remember being broken hearted over them, and I know it healed, I just can't pin point when that happened. I wish I could so that I knew when I'd be over these ones.

Maybe I'm the hypocrit

I was gleeful, evilly gleeful at the prospect of B screwing things up with her fiance the other night. I had visions of being the tough-love friend who says "I know you're upset about your fiance dumping you, but what kind of an idiot are you to have done this to him?" Nothing of the sort happened. And I never did find out why B didn't show up to the going away party.

I'm not going so far as to say that I'm over it. When I think about it I still get completely appalled by her behavior and incredulous that her fiance still wants her. But, I'm coming to grips with It's not my life. They have to live with all of it not me. I am still up in the air about continuing a friendship with B. Sometimes I think about calling or texting her and stop myself. When I'm around her I'm still friendly, but I keep counting down until she leaves town. And I keep hoping that her fiance gets that job in their home state so that she won't come back in 6 months.

I now feel bad for the evil glee I had. For wanting something bad to happen to her relationship with the fiance. I've never cheated on a guy, and I never plan to, but I do remember back in October 2006 (see "Some answers for you"), when thinking if I would still sleep with J if he were in a relationship, I said I wasn't sure if it would stop me.

And as for B lying to my face about being with J, it also isn't as if I don't lie. I've lied to my mother for a long time about being a virgin. I've lied to everyone, except those that read this blog about how I lost 30 pounds 2 1/2 years ago. I lied to everyone the whole time I was losing the weight too. I lie to guys about why I don't want to date them. I lie to everyone, except those that read this blog, about being over certain guys in my life.

So maybe I'm not all that better than B and that it's just my jealousy I can't really shake off.

I know it's none of my business but...

B didn't come out to our friend's going away party after her performance with J. I had a feeling she wouldn't. When it was the same friends birthday and B had her performance with J they went out to the casinos together instead of B coming and celebrating. B still can't make the effort when the girl is moving away across the country and probably won't be back until she gets married here in a year. No, J, who isn't going anywhere, apparently is the more important person to spend time with.

I also don't think it's a coincidence that the BF is out of town right now. The same BF who put a down payment on the hall for their wedding while he's interviewing for a job.

God, I can't wait until she moves. I keep praying that the BF loves the job he interviewed for so that they won't move back here after the wedding. I want her gone, out of my life for good.

Of course that's if she didn't do something completely stupid like cheat on the guy AGAIN w/ J and the BF doesn't find out or dump her ass like he really should.

On the other hand - I could give her the benefit of the doubt. It is possible that she didn't get done until later than she expected and then the BF called, the 3 hour time difference makes that a possibility. Maybe they had a lot to discuss because of his job interview. They are from that state and B owns a condo there, she knows she wants to go back there eventually, but the BF can make more money at his job here (probably the only profession that can boast that in such a crappy economy). By the time she got done talking to him, maybe it was too late to drive out to the party.

Why I can't give her the benefit of the doubt - she didn't call anyone to say she wasn't making it, that she was late, that she couldn't find it, or that it was too far for that hour. Nothing. My guess - J had her so distracted she couldn't find her phone. If only she could find that little voice in her head that tells her what's wrong and right. Not that it matters - she'll just ask Jesus for forgiveness at church on Sunday and go on her merry way.

There and Back Again

After a week of beating myself up, questioning whether I can still be friends with B, wondering if I would get anywhere flirting with J, I broke down and talked to my dance instructor (not SOG) about the drama. He's been around for a while, the quintessential been-there-done-that kind of guy. I had broken out in about 3 places over the weekend, and he asked me what had gone on, so I started the story - or a shorter version. It was kind of hard admitting to him how upset I was and why. Suddenly I felt very juvenile. But he was so great about it. On more than one occasion he's told me that I have to stop thinking of myself as mediocre and really start being the person I want to be. The short of it was that J did not pick B. And he had moved on long before she felt the need to "explain" getting engaged, probably even while they were fooling around.

I was feeling great for days.

And then I made the mistake of meeting up with B to run. I know I get a better workout when I work out with her, so I figured why not.

We were on the treadmill and she asks about a friend's going away party and says she doesn't know when she can show up, because J asked her to perform before she found out about the party. Then later after I was telling her about some of the lifts and things I do with my other dance instructor, she tells me about the move she practiced with J for tonight's show.

I'm back to feeling like a huge idiot. I can't believe that I offered to practice with J. I can't believe that I for one second thought I'd have another chance with him or that he'd ever ask me to perform with him on the weekend nights. I'm just trying to figure out why I end up the last choice, last minute, day time girl. It's just the absolute total proof that he has no desire what-so-ever to spend any kind of time with me at all.

In the meantime this guy I went on a date with wants to take me over there. He wanted to go tonight, but with the going away party I had to say no. So I suggested Saturday. At the time I thought, fantastic, let J see me with somebody else, maybe it'll make him want me more. But now I just don't want to be anywhere near him, especially the night after B. I also don't have any feelings for this guy so I don't think it would be very nice of me to let him continue to take me out.

Sometimes it's really hard having a conscience and it's so irksome to watch a hypocrite, two-faced person like B go through life apparently doing perfectly fine without one.

Obsession, Regression, Depression

I recently spoke to NG. Well, texted. He took some photos of one of our dates and I wanted the ones of me. So he emailed them to me. For a while before this whole B & J thing, I had backslid on that one too.

I had not seen him for quite awhile and then at the beginning of May his friend asked me out to dinner. I knew it was coming, but that didn't make it any less awkward. He'd been trying for a while, since before I went out with NG. But I picked NG, he's the one I liked, the one I was attracted to. I was hoping that after I went out with NG, that the the friend, TF, would back off too. But no such luck.

Now the dancing community where I live isn't as big as it is in some cities like LA or NY, so it's not completely unusual to see exes and to date the friends of exes. SOG not only stayed friends with one of his ex-girlfriend, but was friends with her next boyfriend, and that boyfriend's next girlfriend. So, it's not too weird that TF asked me and thought it would be okay. The problem is that I still really like NG.

The night TF asked me out, NG also came out to the club for the first time in at least a month. I knew he'd be there, but I pretended I didn't and texted him to find out w/ a lame excuse about why. When he did show up we had a friendly chat and that was it. He spent the evening hanging out with TF. At one point I thought they were talking about me while I was dancing, cuz when ever I looked over they seemed to be looking at me too. That was a bit disconserting. I mean, the one guy I went out with (I wish I was still going out with him) and his friend who wants to go out with me.

The next week NG came out again. This time I arrived late with one of my girls, because I had driven her over to dance with J (probably the reason I'm so jealous, is I've been over there every weekend in May except the first one). I wanted to get J off my mind, so I asked NG to dance. It wasn't until afterward that I realized he had a girl with him. A cute blonde. I haven't seen him at the club since then.

After that night I admit, I got a little obsessive. I was checking out his myspace and facebook every few days to see if he changed his single status (he hasn't). I was looking at the pictures to see if I could see them together. I didn't see any of her, but unfortunately, I did see one of another girl. They were dressed up and she was holding a flower. It looked alot like the picture your mom takes before prom. Only he's too old for that. So I'm figuring it's his old Frat's formal that he was meeting to plan when we were together and that I really thought I was going to get to go to with him.

And I finally texted him about those photos yesterday. I just needed something to stop me from thinking about J and B. About how much I want to do something in retaliation. So instead of thinking about that, I decided to think about a decent guy instead. Sure I think NG lead me on a little too, but at least not in the "I'll fuck you but not date you" kind of way. More in the "I jumped the gun on my feelings for you" kind of way. But at least it's a reminder that there are some decent guys out there, if he doesn't want to be with me.

I'm supposed to have a date tonight with yet another guy I dance with. I am beginning to understand NG's excuse for breaking up with me - although, I don't think it's an appropriate one for 3 weeks later. But I just don't think about this guy alot. He was out of the country for two weeks and I had to write a reminder note to myself to email him, or I wouldn't have. He's a great dancer, I really enjoy dancing with him, and he is an attractive guy, but I'm just not that into him. He talks about himself alot, and manages to turn the conversation around to himself even after I try to get a word in. He's really smart though, has a job and a business. But I just don't get excited about him.

I remember New Years Eve. NG and J were both there. And while I still had a slight flutter for J, I was totally into NG. I would say that NG only upset me at the very end when I knew he was not feeling something for me and then when he broke it off. Otherwise he always made me smile and feel good and we could talk forever. When he sent the pictures his email said I looked sexy in one. I don't know how to take that - I know how I want to take it. But when he broke up with me he did so by naming all my great qualities including my physical ones, and then saying that he still didn't care about me like he should. No wonder I have issues, because it doesn't really matter how great I am, if nobody wants to be with me.

The White Wale

So yesterday was a little tense.

I had a performance for a party with J and then was going to my normal Wednesday night dance spot I knew that B was coming out. At first it was a little tense around J. I was pretty monosyllabic at first and he just busts out telling me about his moped, and how he wanted it to stop raining so he could ride it 'cuz it had been a couple of weeks. I was trying to be professional without being overly friendly or flirty, but he gave me a couple of looks. Like once, in the middle of dancing after the lesson he mentioned how warm it was, and I said it sure was. He just looked at me and laughed a little. I didn't think it was that funny. I certainly didn't mean it in any other way but that it really was warm.

We practiced, performed, and tried to get people up for a lesson, then we danced a couple of more songs. He asked me if I could do some shows while he was out of time. He's going on vacation in July. It was weird, when I asked him about it he just said he really had to get away. That he worked hard and tried to play hard. Then repeated hat he just had to get away from a while. So I wasn't sure if the vacation was part of the playing hard or if the combination of hard play and work made him need a vacation. Still not having a job my schedule is pretty flexible, so he'll probably continue to dance with me for the daytime parties. I even offered to practice with him - since we don't ever, but for the ten minutes prior to going on.

I don't really know what I'll do if we do end up practicing. I can't say that he'd try anything, but I'm not sure what I'd do if he did. On the one hand I like the idea of denying him. One, it would put him in his place a little, and two, I would feel "better" than B for being able to say no. But I know how little will power I have with J. Especially since I don't have someone else to stay faithful too. Oddly, I kept thinking about NG while I was there with J, NG is so nice. Honestly if they both changed their minds about me today, I'd take NG with out hesitation (well, not hesitating between the two, I'd hesitate before taking him back though). It has the added appeal of being vindictive.

I keep vacillating between hate and apathy with B.
After being out with B that night - we just met up, got in, but for the most part were dancing elsewhere the whole time - I started realizing that my feelings have alot to do with winning. J is like the white wale. He's the untamable male, and the idea that B could possibly have succeeded where I failed is what is rankling.

Yes I'd say I'm upset that she lied, but I'm sure I'd have been upset if she had told me what went on. Perhaps even more so because it would've been out in the open. At least this way I can pretend I don't know and be friendly. It's when she says something stupid, like last night, she said that her engagement ring is a good thing, it gets caught on things and helps remind her she shouldn't do anything. Huh? Why do you need reminding that you're in love with someone else? And if you do, doesn't that say you're maybe not ready for marriage? I just have to shake my head and feel sorry for this girl.

On the other hand, I keep remember things. Like her sending a package of coats overseas for J. The fact that she bought a new dress to perform with him. That she used to practice at his place. A particular picture that was taken of them dancing in December where it looks like they're about to kiss, and her saying that her BF best not see it. And since it was in December, that means this went on for months. Months. Because it wasn't until January that she said she had issues with the BF and April til she stopped performing with J, though she still goes to the club he works at. The fact that I predicted this a year ago, when he walked into a dance and she said that J was so cute she wanted him to be her boyfriend, oh, not really, she already had a boyfriend. I knew then and there, something would happen.

I can't help but feel like she's the Pied Piper of Hamlin. She's got all these men mesmerized following her along and she's just taken them away from us single girls because she can. And it's just spiteful, she doesn't need another guy if she's supposed to be in love with her fiance. Why does she need so much attention that his isn't enough for her?

Just when I thought it was safe

I don't even know where to begin.

I'm an obsessively envious person I am beginning to realize. I know it stems from my own lack of confidence, but there it is. I'm back into my old situation with BMG, only it's a different girl. BMG finally moved away, and she's been replaced by B. Now, I've always been friends with B. Despite the fact that I became envious of her the day I met her, she was so nice I couldn't help but become her friend. I thought we could actually talk about things, I confided in her about J. She told me her situation with cheating on her boyfriend and following him out here to prove she was sorry. I thought we were friends.

I got even more envious when she started performing with J. They got to practice, and it felt like he was choosing her over me. I figured I was over reacting because she loves her boyfriend and having cheated on him once she never would again. I have an amazing instinct it seems, because I wasn't over reacting.

I'd been excluded from some conversations that B had with other girls on the team. But I caught a few things. I'd noticed how J came out to clubs when she did after she'd been absent for awhile. When I expressed concern about her leaving a club early once in April she told me "I've just got issues I need to talk to the BF about."

The first performance I did with J was because B said she couldn't do it. She blamed team practice, but the fact that I could do the performance showed that to be a lie. The next day I was talking to her about it. I was talking about how I thought J was flirting with me a little and I thought maybe he wanted to try to get in my pants again. Then she asked me how he was in bed.

One weekend while out dancing she complained about how he barely said hello to her. And then went on and on about the connection she feels with him on the dance floor. One of the reasons I'm so envious of her is that she captures every man's attention. She could have any man she wanted even though she has a boyfriend that loves her.


Last wednesday we were at a club and B came out, and J came out. I had had a couple of drinks and so I had this conversation with her:

Me: Why am I not surprised that J comes out on a night that your here.
B: What do you mean?
Me: I mean, he happens to be here when you're here. It's pretty obvious that he'd be all over you if your single.
B: (pause - starts to say something - stops)
Me: Unless he already has.
B: No, he's just here because I called and asked him to come. I wanted him to dance with my friend who's knew to dancing.

For days I felt like shit for being a bitch. I thought, how of rude of me. Now I realize it was the other way around.

Last weekend B's BF became a fiance. Last night was her birthday party. Another of our friends was performing with J so a month ago I (in total innocence and ignorance) suggested we have her birthday there. While on the dance floor with B and another of our girls she starts talking to the other. The other asked how J took her engagement. B says she had wanted to call him and tell him in person (the girls on the team got text messages), but hadn't gotten a chance.

Finally, I had enough. When J came over to ask B to dance and then proceeded to dance the entire set of six songs I took the opportunity to talk to the other girl. I'm probably closest to her. I said, "do you promise to tell me the story behind B and J later? She hasn't told me anything, but I know she's told you and S. I think she doesn't want to tell me because she knows my history with him."

That's when I found out that when B performed with J and they practiced, they'd also fool around. It got to the point where B thought she had feelings for J and told the BF. (That would be the issues)

I'm figuring that's why she told J no to performing with him again. And it's obvious she chose the BF over J. A part of me hopes that he's sad, that J took the engagement badly and that he really had his feelings hurt by her because he hurt mine. The problem with that means that once again she gets chosen and I get nothing. It's like being rejected all over again. But if not, leaves J to be the eternal player, the total jackass, and I still can't get over wanting him anyway. Which makes me more of an obsessive wackjob than I already am.

I am so mad, so angry, so sad and upset I spent 4 hours crying last night and I'm crying now. She lied to me last wednesday. She said J didn't try anything with her. I thought this girl was friend.

I want to go up to her and say "You must think I'm blind, deaf and stupid to not see through you."

It's so hard to go out to a regular club, or a restaurant and see her get hit on, flirt with the guys she cares nothing for, and still she talks about the love of her life the BF. I feel sorry for this guy I should really call him PB for Poor Bastard. She's not going to stop. She pulled the exact same act back at there last home. She met a guy dancing, fooled around, had feelings for him, but loves her BF. The BF left her came out here and she followed him because it made her realize just how much she wanted to spend the rest of her life with just him. Then she comes out here and does the exact same thing. Marriage is not going to stop her. I feel bad for this poor guy who would let her do this to him twice.

I feel like a collasal idiot for ever talking to her about my personal life. Maybe she thought she was sparing me. But of all the people she could have talked to about the situation, I'm the one who would have understood what she was going through. I fell for him too after all. Or maybe she knew I'd try to talk her out of it and she didn't want that. I'm angry with J, but I've known what a jackass he is. I don't have to like him to work/perform with him and take his money for it. I thought I wanted to get back in bed with him, I thought I was ready to be his friend, but now I hate him more than ever. A part of me wants to fuck him anyway, just so I can tell B that I did. If she had feelings for him, she's not gonna like that. I even had a malicious fantasy where after she moves home I make moves on the fiance. Just to teach her what it feels like - what she's done to this guy.

At this point I don't know what to do. B's on my dance team, she's my partner for half of it. We used to go out multiple nights a week. We are supposed to train for an October marathon together Now I can't stand to look at her or talk to her. I don't know if I want to clear the air with her and try to save the friendship or just start to distance myself from her. She's moving back to her hometown at the end of August for at least 6 months. The other girl (the one I made talk) is gonna know why I'm doing it. She knew that I wanted to get back in bed w/ J, if not everything else, and she's gonna know I'm mad at B for fooling around with him and not telling me.

I know some of this is jealousy and my issues. But, that doesn't change the fact that she's a cheat and a liar. I don't know if I want her as my friend, but if I don't try to clear the air am I going to lose the other team members as my friends as well? Which makes me contemplate quitting the team. But if I can make it through august, maybe I won't have to.

A year and half later

I got a call from J on Wednesday. He needed a performance partner for a last minute party the next evening. Funny thing is that B said no because of team practice, but I said yes. With the performance being at 5:15 there was plenty of time to get to practice, but for whatever reason she didn't want to do it. So I said yes.

Everything went well. I messed up a couple times, but he said not to worry. I'm really not used to dancing with him anymore. We chatted a bit afterwards. Turns out the team and SOG are working the same Cinco de Mayo show as him at an out of town casino. Before I left he said that I could call him for anything.

Hmmm...

I'm left wondering again if he's fishing for a "get together." But it wasn't until 5 minutes later that I realized it could mean that.

I'm really proud of myself for being able to keep my cool, my head, my emotions all in tact, be friendly and professional around him. I think I've made major progress.

Birthdays

I've been sitting on this for a while because it was so weird that I'm having trouble wrapping my head around it.

My birthday was last week. It fell on a good dancing night, and the team did a performance at the club. So all in all it was a really fun night. Dancing, drinking, being with friends. I had told my dance instructor about the performance, but he was supposed to be in Chicago and wasn't going to make it. Turns out that was just a ruse to make me think he wasn't coming, but really he did show up. Not only did he show up for the performance, dance with me, buy me a drink, but he also got me a birthday present. He handed it to me as he was leaving - a jewelry box. It is a very small gold/diamond (very small) necklace. My other cards and gifts I was just shoving into a bag under the coat rack, but I couldn't do that with jewelry. So I went out after him thanked him, and had him put it on me - and that's when he kissed me.

It was on the lips but no tongue and not very long. But I still don't know how to take it. Is it a old man, paternal, fraternal kiss? Or something more?

I'm supposed to go to my normal group classes tonight in an hour and I'm wigging out. We normally get a drink and a bite to eat after class, but I don't know how to be now. My plan is just to ignore that it happened and see if it anything more happens. I don't want to call him out on something he didn't see as a big deal. Then I'd feel like a total idiot. I just can't imagine him being attracted to me. I'm more than 20 years younger than him, and look at least 30 years younger than him.

Too weird.

I'm a moody bitch

SOG sat me down for a talk yesterday before my private lesson. Apparently he's noticed me having an attitude in front of the other girls. Part of me sees it, but on the other hand with two past exceptions I've not copped more attitude than the other girls. In fact the past two practices I haven't said anything, so I'm at a loss as to why he's bringing it up now.

It made for a crappy lesson. I had no desire to dance with him then and I have no desire to dance with him right now.

Scare of a lifetime

Last night we had what I hope will be the last snowstorm before spring really starts. Not that you would know it by the total lack of snow on the ground today thanks to the 40 degree day we had.

But last night we had at least 3 inches. Despite the weather I went out. I had dance team practice at 6pm, and at that point none of the snow was sticking to the ground, but when we got ready to leave at 8pm it had started to stick. SOG, the other girls and myself went to a different Thursday night club, because the owner had invited us there to dance for a tourism commercial that was being filmed there. Pretty cool. When we left the place at 10:30 it was really coming down, but that didn't stop us from driving over to our regular spot (all in one car of course). By the time we got back to SOG after midnight my car was covered with snow and his car was slipping on the way back. SOG was so nice he cleared off all of cars while they warmed up.

So with a clear windshield I left his place and proceeded slowly home. I'm traveling down a two lane road on my way to the highway when I see in front of me a dude. A random guy just walking on the side of the road. I freak out hit my breaks and then slip and slide right into him.

Yep, I hit a guy with my car.

It was the scariest moment ever. The moment that I heard the thud will forever be emblazoned on my memory. (As will the sight of the car behind me driving past us and not stopping to help.) I immediatly pulled over freaking out that I had possibly killed somebody. The guy was totally fine though. I had clipped him behind one leg, so really he's lucky that he didn't break anything (so I am really, 'cuz I suppose he could decide to sue me if he wanted to - though he said he wouldn't - not that he'd get much out of an unemployed girl living with her retired parents). I called the police right away and then waited half an hour for one to show up. During that time I was on the phone with SOG and B crying my eyes out. Sometime during the phone call with the police the shock it me and I started bawling. I think it started when they asked my name and I could only think, oh my god I hit a guy with my car.

After waiting again after the police arrived I eventually got a ticket for "improper lane usage." I'm contemplating fighting it because with the weather nobody was using a proper lane, but I'm not sure it's worth it.

The weird thing is the night before I had watched on-line an episode of "New Amsterdam" (not a great show, but I find it interesting) where a lady killed a kid in a hit and run.

And again

Having seen NG at the party last night for all of two minutes and basically only saying hi and bye, I thought surely NG would text me. Send me some kind of nice-to-see-you-sorry-we-didn't-get-to-dance-or-talk message. In my wildest dreams I hoped for a can-we-talk-how-about-coffee message.

During team practice I got two text messages from him. Two identical messages. Happy Easter, fun with family, Jesus resurrection forgive our sins bla bla bla.

I was so disapointed I nearly texted him back a snarky comment about how it's not the resurrection that forgives our sins, it's Jesus' death. But in the end I thought it would be rude. So I just ignored it.

Another case of I got what I wanted, just not how I wanted it.

Getting what you want isn't always what you want.

Ever since November of '06 when J got his gig performing and teaching I wanted to perform there. Well a year and a half later I got what I wanted.

Yesterday J was calling me alot too. First he left a message and then he just kept calling. Finally I listened to the message - I took his number out of my phone a few months ago - so I didn't know it was him. He was offering me a chance to perform at his club, because he was going out of town and asked my friend B to fill in and she suggested dancing with me.

We did do it. And we rocked. I did a great lesson even if I do say so myself.

After that we went to a party. I was up in the air about going, it was being held by a really good friend of NG. I was 90% sure that NG would be there. But since he hadn't been at the thursday club in a few weeks and it's the night before easter I thought there was also a chance he wouldn't show up. But he was there. His car was the first in the drive way and I could see him through the window before we even went in.

I had wanted to see him, but as soon as I got in there I couldn't look up at him - I froze. Eventually I was able to say hi, and give him a hug. He also said good-bye, but it was about 10 minutes later. I had all these ideas and fantasies about what would happen if he were there, but it was totally anti-climactic.

A very good friday indeed

After weeks of avoiding the situation I finally talked to R. After weeks of avoiding his calls and text messages and being worried that at anytime I could walk out of my building to find him or a present there waiting for me, I picked up the phone and called him back.

Part of it was annoyance. I had been really ill with Bronchitis and then Pink-eye. Being that conjunctavitis is so contagious I was basically stuck in my apartment until I was almost done with the anti-biotics. I told him this three times. I talked to him once to tell him "look I'm still sick, why are you calling so much?" again when he called to see if I was going out "no you moron I've got a contagious bacterial whatsit." and then in text message when he again asked me if I was going out. I was beginning to wonder if he knew what the hell "contagious" means.

Then I got a voicemail - I think I might have pink-eye because my eyelid is itchy. And then a card outside my apartment saying the same thing "my eyelid is swollen and getting color. I think you gave me the pink-eye, but it was worth it." I was pretty pissed. I got pink-eye from the bronchitis infection after I saw him when he came over unannouced the first time. Not to mention none of those are symptoms of conjunctavitis. So I texted him back - "if you think you have it, go to the Dr. right away. but I didn't have it when I saw you last, you didn't get it from me."

He finally called today and I was still pissed enough that I thought, this is it. Give him the boot. So I called him. Told him I was getting better and when he asked when he could see me I said we'd be better off friends seeing each other out sometimes than actually dating. I gave some other rigamarol about him being sweet (ack!) and I appreciated his concern while I was sick (Blech!) but that it made me realize that he cared much more about me than I do about him. I told him round-aboutly that I still had feelings for someone else. Althogh, not seeing NG in a month is definitely helping.

Then he came out with the truth. He thought I was lying about having conjunctavitis. And said he had gotten it so that I would let him see me. Huh? So I tried again to explain how I got it, when I had it, and how freaking contagious it is. It makes me so very glad that I gave him the boot. What an idiot. and I wash my hands of him completely. And I am so very happy that I did.

This is ridiculous

I can't stop thinking about NG.

I keep going over and over different senarios in my brain about how he might approach getting back together with me, the different excuses he could use for breaking up with me to begin with.

I remember doing this with the XX. But we had been together for over a year. This was a month. A Month!! Granted I had been wanting him to ask me out for two weeks prior to him doing so. And I knew with in the first conversation that he and I had that I wanted to go out with him.

I just don't know how to deal with the fact that it's been a month and we went out a month, and I'm still not over him.

It's ridiculous and I can't make my self stop.

I'm afraid to leave my building

So, it's a been a week since my ill-advised car sex with R. I never really thought he'd keep up the "we should go out pretense" and in truth he only half has. But still I'm getting at least one, sometimes three calls and texts a day. His texts are mostly "Hi, where are you." As if I'm going to text back "AT home, alone, and naked big boy." At least J put in a few pleasantries before asking if I was at home and could he come over.

I tried to put R off with the whole "I'm busy" thing. I went out with SOG on the Saturday after and with girl friends on the Sunday after. Monday He texted me just as I was walking into my apartment building. It seriously creeped me out that he might be around. Thankfully right after the "Hi" text I got a "where are you." I lied and said the library working on a job application. Hoping he would take the hint and not bother me, but no such luck he asked what I was doing on Tuesday. I said I was going to dance lessons. The weather didn't allow me to go, and I just didn't bother picking up when he called at 9 that night. On Wednesday I finally picked up the phone and told him I wasn't feeling well and was gonna stay home, that yes, my roommate was in. That was the truth (not the staying in part - although turned out to be true) the university we live near and my roomy works at was closed with the snow so she couldn't go anywhere and I wasn't gonna dig my car out. I should never have told him that I was sick - apparently I was ill when we had our first of three phone conversations back in November. So an hour and half after I hang up with him he calls again. I don't pick up, five minutes later he calls again, and three minutes after that. My roommate says, in 11 minutes he's called three times which means he's outside trying to get ahold of you. I didn't believe her until phone call four comes and he leaves a message.

"I thought you were at home, your car is in front of your building. I brought something for you. I left it outside your door." Now he doesn't know which apartment is mine and you have to get through a locked door, but he does know my building because he watched me walk in. So I waited another ten minutes hoping he'd left and call him. Tell him sorry I was taking a hot shower hoping to feel better and I'd go look for the bag now. Only I couldn't find it and went all the way outside looking for it. Bad move - it was inside the first un-locked door, but blended with the bagged newspapers that I hadn't seen it - and he was still driving around waiting for me to call so he comes around the corner as I'm looking outside.

I said hi, thanked him for the package (hat, mittens, herbal tea) and told him that I had to get back before my roommate got worried - I didn't lock the door behind me and said I'd be two minutes. He asked me which apartment was mine, I told him - I don't want him knocking on someone elses door thinking it's mine - but said that our buzzer didn't work and the only way to know if someone was here was phone call. And I explained the locked door to the apartments and that it was just a hallway there so that's why nobody heard him knocking. Then I left.

Turns out I did get sick that night. A really bad sore throat, aches, pains, and lots of mucus. Karma I'm sure. So Thursday I turned my phone off and got two messages and two texts both of which said "where are you." Thursday is my normal night out, I had been too sick when I got back from chicago to go, then I was avoiding NG for a week. I was actually looking forward to going back this week. For the dancing and for a strange jones to see NG. I know he's not gonna sponaneously want to date me again (as much as I wish that would happen, and fantasize about that happening) but I really miss him.

Today I texted R saying I got his messages and voicemails, but was sick and sleeping all day (not a lie) and that I was gonna be in all weekend. I left it with "talk to you when I'm better." I didn't hear from him all day. I thought, cool he got the hint this time! I had my phone on because my roomy was gonna call me to bring me food after work, but she never did. Which means I had my phone on when R did call at 7pm. He hadn't gotten the hint after all. I don't even remember what he said and then deleted it.

I'm sure he's not heartbroken and is gonna mack on some other girl this weekend - which is fine with me. I just wish I could get him off my back. I wish I could go back in time and leave that club when I meant to last week so I never would have danced with him in the first place, or said "what the fuck you followed me home after I told you not too? hell no I'm not getting in your car" and then gone in my house.

I'm gonna have to get rid of him soon. I'm moving in three weeks and I don't want him to offer to help. A week after that is my birthday day and I don't want him at the parties. I don't want to go on a date with him. Although, I am tempted to suck it up and go out with him once. I figure either we'll go on a real date and I can say "look it was fun, but I don't think we connected sorry I don't want date number 2." Or, he'll just want to have sex and I can say "hey, I thought we were really gonna date, I don't want casual sex I don't want to see you again." Because really I don't want to be another fuck buddy, and I don't like this guy for more than that.

Then there's always the white lie. So sorry, I ended up talking to my ex while I was laid up sick and it reminded me that I still have feelings for him. I just can't see you when I know I'd be thinking about him. If I have any chance of working it out with him I have to try. Except that is more of an out and out lie than a white lie. Because sure I have feelings for NG but he doesn't want to get back with me, and we haven't talked in about 3 weeks.

I wish girls could do the "fade away" that guys do so well.

What is it about me

that screams "sure, I'll have sex with you in the back of your car even though we've never dated and you just kissed me for the first time on the dance floor tonight."

Cuz I've got another one. I kind of thought that J had the market cornered on this particular sleazy behavior, but it turns out I was wrong.

I went to a new club tonight. SOG and his girlfriend were going, I had it on his authority that other people ("everyone I've talked to") were going to be there. It turned out that there were a good number of people I knew, but the music was only so-so and the dancefloor so tiny that I didn't get much dancing in. After 2 hours I was ready to give up. I was getting ready to go when I was asked to dance by R. He had asked for my phone number back in the fall and then took 2 months to call me. He called me on thanksgiving and christmas. I was supposed to go out for coffee with him one day and forgot about it, making plans to practice with SOG instead. He was also at the NYE party that I went to. He stood right next to me as we counted down midnight and didn't even kiss me. At that point I gave up on him. I figured he just wasn't interested. And with the enterance of NG I was okay with that.

I was really hoping that NG would be at this place tonight. It's close enough to where he lives and near where he first took me out, I thought he'd go. It's stupid, since I've been avoiding the other club I know he goes to, but I just felt like something would happen with us if he was there.

I was wrong. He didn't show up and instead, R asks me to dance right as I'm thinking of leaving. It was a total booty-shaking, bump-and-grind kind of song, but I danced with him anyway. He bought me flowers from some lading selling them on the floor (I'm pretty sure he's the only one who did, since I didn't see any other girls with them). I figured he was probably drunk. He ended up kissing me on the dance floor, and then buying me a drink. We just sat on a couch periodically kissing for the next 1/2 hour until the place closed.

He walked me to my car, and then asked if he should follow me home. I said, no that was okay. I scraped my car, changed my shoes, and left the parking lot. It wasn't until I was two lights from home that I realized that somebody was following me. It totally creeped me out - even when he stepped out of the car and it was R. I told him that he shouldn't have come, and that he couldn't come in because I have a roommate. So he suggests that we say goodbye in his car where it's warm.

That's when the sex commenced. It was the weirdest thing it went from making out to oral sex so fast, I couldn't believe it. My suspisions that he was drunk were pretty much confirmed when he was really soft and couldn't do finish the deed.

I dated NG for a month and we never got that far. Probably because I actually like/ care about him and wanted us to be in a relationship. Sadly I think R is going to end up just like J (with the exception of me having feelings for him and making an ass out of myself because of it). I'll probably sleep with him a bit, but I still wish I was with NG.

I didn't realize it had been so long!

What a couple of months it has been.

I finally met someone who got me over J once and for all. Now if I can just get over this guy.

We met in December right before Christmas. He'd been going to the club I go to on Thursday, but never talked to me, but we met properly at a mutual friend's X-mas party. We talked quite a bit and I thought he was pretty cute. But the next thursday I saw him with a girl and put him out of my mind.

Then came New Years. My one dance instructor (not SOG) had bought me a beautiful little-black-dress and black pumps for christmas (Spending more on an outfit that I would spend on clothes in a year) with the instructions to wear them at New Years, and to be the change I want to see for myself.
I wasn't expecting great things out of NYs as I was tagging along w/ SOG, his girlfriend, and a few other dancing friends to a party of a complete stranger. I knew a guy that was going to be there we had talked on the phone a few times, and despite standing right next to me at midnight he didn't give me a kiss, so I was kind of bummed. It didn't help that J had shown up to this party as well. Things were salvaged when new guy from the christmas party showed up and started dancing and flirting with me. He took my number and called me to have a safe drive home and over the week we were texting a bit too.

We had our first date on Jan 4th. He picked me up for coffee at 8 and we ended up talking until 12:30am. Then we played pool for a couple of hours. All in all it was a great casual first date. For the next month it was mostly flirting on the dance floor, making out at his place after watching movies on his couch and the occasional actual date out - a movie, or bowling. The whole time he would talk about things to do when it got warm out, what we would do when we had our first argument, things like that. Things that made it sound like he thought this was heading for a relationship.

The February hit and I got silence. We made plans on a monday to have a movie night at his place on Friday, and I didn't hear again from him until thursday - he couldn't make it to the club like normal. He picked me up on Friday an hour late w/ no call or anything. He stopped the movie with 1/2 hour left to help his mom w/ some airline problems. Then I had to initiate the usual make-out session. Eventually he took me home with out asking what I was doing for the rest of weekend. I let it slide until the following tuesday when I cracked. I called him up and left a message along the lines "You should be calling the girl you're supposed to be dating. How did you go from calling and texting me everyday, stopping by my apartment at 4am just so we'd get a chance to see eachother on a saturday, to absolutely nothing for days? It seems to me that if you're not contacting me then you're not thinking of me which means that we've got to talk about weather you're losing interest or what."

He called back a few hours later with "oh no, I don't want you to feel that way, what are your plans tomorrow, the next day?"

We had lunch two days after. I thought it was hunky-dory, he was making things up to me, I just had to tell him what I wanted and he'd make adjustments (he is a couple years younger than me after all). Then the bill came. He didn't pick it up, didn't pick it up and then looks at me and says "So..." which is his lead in to all questions, "what feelings are you getting from me?" The cold shoulder. And he proceeds to tell me that despite all my wonderful qualities (90% of them physical) he didn't feel for me what he should and didn't want to take me along for the ride.

I have never been so totally fleeced in all my life. This guy totally made me believe that we had something good starting and then pulled the rug out from under me in less than five seconds.

To make matters worse - I had planned a weekend to chicago for dancing with some people for Valentine's weekend. Back when New Guy and I were together I tried to get him to come along, but he had some other responsibility he couldn't get out of. As I was finalizing my ride out to Chicago the monday before I'm supposed to leave, I find out that New Guy and our mutual friend are coming after all and they're getting a ride with my ride.

Looking back on it I should have bailed on my weekend. I ended up having a miserable time and getting really sick as well. The drive to Chicago was miserable. The night before I had gone out with girlfriends and had all of 2 hours of sleep before being picked up. Then I got to ride in the back between New Guy and his friend and proceeded to not sleep at all. That night when out dancing I got to watch New Guy flirt with and pick up some girl, and listen to his friend congratulate him. Then NG and his new girl sat outside his hotel room (right next to my hotel room) for an hour talking, before leaving - presumably to her room.

Thankfully after mentioning to my ride how aweful it was having NG around, and that I was deathly ill on sunday when we left, I got to ride up front going home. But I know NG and his friend wanted to talk about the girl, but made it pretty obvious that they couldn't when I was in the car. Pointed looks in my direction and "oh, well...." trailing into silence before changing the subject.

There are a huge number of reasons why NG and I wouldn't have worked out in the long run, but I'm insensed at being rejected by him. I'm crazed over the fact that he built up my expectations only to bring them crashing down on me. I'm pissed that my weekend away, that I was looking forward to because I wasn't going to have to look at his stupid face or act like I was totally fine around him was ruined.

And now I'm stuck in the same stupid boat that I was over J. Only J at least had the decenecy to never claim that he liked me in the first place.