The White Wale

So yesterday was a little tense.

I had a performance for a party with J and then was going to my normal Wednesday night dance spot I knew that B was coming out. At first it was a little tense around J. I was pretty monosyllabic at first and he just busts out telling me about his moped, and how he wanted it to stop raining so he could ride it 'cuz it had been a couple of weeks. I was trying to be professional without being overly friendly or flirty, but he gave me a couple of looks. Like once, in the middle of dancing after the lesson he mentioned how warm it was, and I said it sure was. He just looked at me and laughed a little. I didn't think it was that funny. I certainly didn't mean it in any other way but that it really was warm.

We practiced, performed, and tried to get people up for a lesson, then we danced a couple of more songs. He asked me if I could do some shows while he was out of time. He's going on vacation in July. It was weird, when I asked him about it he just said he really had to get away. That he worked hard and tried to play hard. Then repeated hat he just had to get away from a while. So I wasn't sure if the vacation was part of the playing hard or if the combination of hard play and work made him need a vacation. Still not having a job my schedule is pretty flexible, so he'll probably continue to dance with me for the daytime parties. I even offered to practice with him - since we don't ever, but for the ten minutes prior to going on.

I don't really know what I'll do if we do end up practicing. I can't say that he'd try anything, but I'm not sure what I'd do if he did. On the one hand I like the idea of denying him. One, it would put him in his place a little, and two, I would feel "better" than B for being able to say no. But I know how little will power I have with J. Especially since I don't have someone else to stay faithful too. Oddly, I kept thinking about NG while I was there with J, NG is so nice. Honestly if they both changed their minds about me today, I'd take NG with out hesitation (well, not hesitating between the two, I'd hesitate before taking him back though). It has the added appeal of being vindictive.

I keep vacillating between hate and apathy with B.
After being out with B that night - we just met up, got in, but for the most part were dancing elsewhere the whole time - I started realizing that my feelings have alot to do with winning. J is like the white wale. He's the untamable male, and the idea that B could possibly have succeeded where I failed is what is rankling.

Yes I'd say I'm upset that she lied, but I'm sure I'd have been upset if she had told me what went on. Perhaps even more so because it would've been out in the open. At least this way I can pretend I don't know and be friendly. It's when she says something stupid, like last night, she said that her engagement ring is a good thing, it gets caught on things and helps remind her she shouldn't do anything. Huh? Why do you need reminding that you're in love with someone else? And if you do, doesn't that say you're maybe not ready for marriage? I just have to shake my head and feel sorry for this girl.

On the other hand, I keep remember things. Like her sending a package of coats overseas for J. The fact that she bought a new dress to perform with him. That she used to practice at his place. A particular picture that was taken of them dancing in December where it looks like they're about to kiss, and her saying that her BF best not see it. And since it was in December, that means this went on for months. Months. Because it wasn't until January that she said she had issues with the BF and April til she stopped performing with J, though she still goes to the club he works at. The fact that I predicted this a year ago, when he walked into a dance and she said that J was so cute she wanted him to be her boyfriend, oh, not really, she already had a boyfriend. I knew then and there, something would happen.

I can't help but feel like she's the Pied Piper of Hamlin. She's got all these men mesmerized following her along and she's just taken them away from us single girls because she can. And it's just spiteful, she doesn't need another guy if she's supposed to be in love with her fiance. Why does she need so much attention that his isn't enough for her?