There and Back Again

After a week of beating myself up, questioning whether I can still be friends with B, wondering if I would get anywhere flirting with J, I broke down and talked to my dance instructor (not SOG) about the drama. He's been around for a while, the quintessential been-there-done-that kind of guy. I had broken out in about 3 places over the weekend, and he asked me what had gone on, so I started the story - or a shorter version. It was kind of hard admitting to him how upset I was and why. Suddenly I felt very juvenile. But he was so great about it. On more than one occasion he's told me that I have to stop thinking of myself as mediocre and really start being the person I want to be. The short of it was that J did not pick B. And he had moved on long before she felt the need to "explain" getting engaged, probably even while they were fooling around.

I was feeling great for days.

And then I made the mistake of meeting up with B to run. I know I get a better workout when I work out with her, so I figured why not.

We were on the treadmill and she asks about a friend's going away party and says she doesn't know when she can show up, because J asked her to perform before she found out about the party. Then later after I was telling her about some of the lifts and things I do with my other dance instructor, she tells me about the move she practiced with J for tonight's show.

I'm back to feeling like a huge idiot. I can't believe that I offered to practice with J. I can't believe that I for one second thought I'd have another chance with him or that he'd ever ask me to perform with him on the weekend nights. I'm just trying to figure out why I end up the last choice, last minute, day time girl. It's just the absolute total proof that he has no desire what-so-ever to spend any kind of time with me at all.

In the meantime this guy I went on a date with wants to take me over there. He wanted to go tonight, but with the going away party I had to say no. So I suggested Saturday. At the time I thought, fantastic, let J see me with somebody else, maybe it'll make him want me more. But now I just don't want to be anywhere near him, especially the night after B. I also don't have any feelings for this guy so I don't think it would be very nice of me to let him continue to take me out.

Sometimes it's really hard having a conscience and it's so irksome to watch a hypocrite, two-faced person like B go through life apparently doing perfectly fine without one.