Why is my head on all crooked?

Big Sigh...

Well, the date I had a month ago with Martini Man went really well. We went out to dinner, and had a couple of drinks afterward. It was pretty simple and for the most part we just talked, but half way through the night my cheeks were hurting from smiling and laughing so much. Thankfully we have the same sense of humor, which is kind of sarcastic and a little on the mean side. We've talked since and gone out a few more times. Our second date he made dinner and tried extremely hard to get into my pants. Our fourth date was a halloween party his friends were throwing. The party was only okay. We spent a lot of the time by ourselves making out before going back to his house at which point I did let him into my pants. I figured I'd go along with the "third date tradition." At the moment he's out of town on business.

The date with Yet Another Dancer went fine, but only fine. He picked me up for dinner, let me pick where we went (I chose Indian, since he said he liked spicy) and then when we were done he took me home. Sadly, our conversation was pretty superficial. The one thing I remember us talking about was pets. I also remember trying not to ogle our waiter who was extremely good looking and in any other circumstance I would have flirted with. YAD even bought me jewelery - a really tacky butterfly pin ('cuz I've somehow turned into the butterfly lady) that I'd never in a million years buy for myself or wear. Flowers on a first date, sure, jewelry ...can we say "trying too hard"? On the way home I told him that while I liked his company I really only liked him as friends at that point. The problem with YAD is that he went from fun and flirty to extremely clingy in a nanosecond. Since he dances he's at 90% of the same places I am. He would not only dance many many songs with me, but he'd look like I'd just kicked his puppy if I told him I was going to go dance with someone else if he asked. Heaven forbid I should go anywhere else, like the bathroom, for more than a few minutes. Inevitably I'd return to the dance floor only to be greeted with, "are you okay? where were you? I was worried when I couldn't find you anywhere." It got so annoying that at one point I answered, "I had to pee. Is that okay with you? I can go pee with out telling you first right?" He texted me once when he couldn't find me. That's when I had to call it quits. He facebook-messaged me after that incident (the texting) because he thought I seemed distant, and didn't we have a good date, a good conversation, blah blah blah. So I messaged him back saying that his actions proved that his feelings for me were way more than mine and I couldn't in good conscience see him anymore. He was confused obviously. On our first date I made it sound like we could go out to see if I developed romantic feelings for him. But I couldn't take the smothering anymore. He still calls on occasion and I haven't mentioned the other guy at all. That was all before Halloween.

The friend of NG overheard me telling someone I'd been on a good date recently (I was asked why I hadn't been to a particular dance venue) and asked me when I was bringing my "boyfriend" out to dance. I noticed that a few days ago NG finally changed his facebook status to "in a relationship" four months after he changed his myspace. Now, maybe I'm just being self centered, but I can't help but think it's more than a coincidence. It's either that, or because NG got past his normal usual 4 month break up point he felt he could change that one too. I got really depressed when I saw that. I was really hoping that he wouldn't make it past the 4 month mark with her. I hate to think that he found someone so quickly after dumping me. Proving how little he cared about me after all.

Even so, I've been thinking about him and the X lately. The X is in a relationship. Their facebook walls are covered with "I miss you" and "I'm so in love with him" messages. Yeah, mostly they're from her, but it's obviously mutual. Of course, my screwed up self has to choose this time to start posting on his wall (w/ my profile pic showing me in my skimpy halloween costume). I did feel kind of bad about it. I don't want him. I made that perfectly clear a year ago. I want him to be happy. So why I am trying to insinuate myself between them? Because that means he's found someone at least as good as me. Even though, I discovered she's in the process of a divorce. As in, not divorced yet. Anyway, I did feel bad so after she posted a particularly cute picture of the two of them - which I can't comment on because I'm not her "friend" but I can see because I'm his, I messaged him saying how good they looked together and that I was happy he was happy.

I did notice that she and I aren't that physically dis-similar - at least the me when I was with him. She's a little curvier (which I was before I lost all the weight after we broke up) she dyed her hair dark since they got together, and she's got the smart girl glasses look going on.

I also find myself really missing MM.It's been a full week and a day since I last talked/texted him. I keep fighting the urge to text him. I've read that book He's Just Not That Into You so many times it's ingrained in my brain "don't call." It's just so hard when I see NG and the X moving on and I want proof that I have too. I want to be able to hold MM up and say, "look, I've got somebody too." Oddly, what I like about us is that we can talk once or twice a week, go out once a week, and then text the rest of the time. He doesn't seem to get jealous with me dancing and I've already disclosed my friendship with DI and that is just a friendship. So I don't know why I should need to cling.

Funny, about DI, before halloween we had a talk about stuff. I got pretty drunk when we were hanging out and one little question ended up in me crying talking about how much I really don't like myself and rejection etc. Apparently, he thought something said indicated that I felt rejected by him. Which wasn't the case, but he brought it up and wanted to make sure that we were on the same page. I appreciated that to no end. He's made a few comments that often have me wondering what his true feelings are. It's not secret that he thinks I'm attractive. I just can't seem to figure out if that means also that he's attracted to me. He thought I was in High School the first time we met and he's 50, so color me confused. But in this conversation he did say that we were really good friends and that we shouldn't mess with something good.