Saturday, June 30, 2007

I stood up for myself - so why do I feel bad now

I got another text message from J last night. I had gone out with a girlfriend. It was a fun girly night of drinking. She's having problems with her boyfriend so I did alot of listening.

As soon as I dropped her off at her house I got a text message. I had gotten one from my ex-personal trainer seeing how I was doing on my own and a few from guys I dance with wondering if I was coming out that night, I was expecting another like that. But it was J asking if I was awake.

My heart started pounding and I got upset. I pulled over and texted him back asking if he meant that text for me because it sounded like a booty call and I thought he wanted to be just friends. I kept driving and pretty soon he texted me back - It was for you. I still want to be intimate with you, I guess it was a booty call. I drove for a while because I was trying to figure out what to say. Eventually I found a gas station to pull into so I could text him back when I was about half way home. I said - You've ignored me for months, you'll probably continue to after if I slept with you. You know that's not what I want. He never replied. Not even to defend
himself.

After sleeping on it, I feel like I could have phrased it better. I shouldn't have said "you" so much. When I got home, and even now I feel like it was a really harsh thing to say. I'm so tempted to apologize and to explain better. But the truth is that I told him that I had a problem sleeping with him but not getting anything else. I really hate is inability to reply to this stuff. He did it with the emails a few months ago too. I'm not sure if this will make him stop communicating with me all together, or if maybe he'll start talking to me know. I'm not sure.

So, why do I feel so crummy? Because I was hoping that him seeing me again would spur something more than a booty call. Because it just reminds me that to him I'm just something to fuck and not really a person worthy of much time. Because if I could have him as often as I want, and not as rarely as he does, maybe I'd make the consession. Because the guys who always seem so passionate about me never excite the same in me.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Red Flag

I continue to be confused by K.

He stopped by my work yesterday. I thought he might since he's been saying he was going to stop in and say hi for as long as I've known him, but never has. I mentioned on Saturday when we were "hanging out" that I had to work. So lo, and behold, half an hour before we close he bumps into me (literally) and we chat. He wants my email address. About 15 minutes later he goes to say bye and I realize, since I'm closing up soon, maybe we can hang out afterwards.

I tell him that we close in 15 and does he want to get something to eat afterward. He says he'll wait for me outside. When I go out to see him, he says he can't eat with me he's got to go cook with family, but we can go somewhere for me. Hmmm...why'd he stick around then. We just walked for a bit and talked. He walked me back to my car and then we proceded to make out for awhile.

He told me a totally disturbing story about him confronting a bully about 10 years after the guy harrassed him. It stemmed from me talking about why I still see myself as a shy person. I never got to finish my thoughts, but he told me about threatening this guy in college to the point where the guy was seriously scared for his saftey.

Not a great story. Sure I was bullied in middle school and I can recall one girl's name, but I don't honestly think I'd recogonize them again if I met them. It's been 15 years after all. And if I did, what am I going to do? Tell them what they already know? That they were sad and pathetic for picking on someone weaker than themselves just to make them feel better about their own sorry lives? Who cares? We were kids. Yes it would be better if they hadn't done it, but what is threatening someone years later going to accomplish. Especially when they know what they did was wrong? Let their own conscience yell at them, let Karma, or God or whatever deal with them, I've got better things to do.

That was red flag number one.

Red flag number two. K continues to be enthusiastic about how much he likes me, to the point where he says he's embarrassed. It was cute the first time. Now, I feel like it's over the top. I get it, you like me. Have I told you to fuck off yet? No. So stop being so damn insecure.

Red flag number 3. Making out. He keeps saying that he's an affectionate guy that he says how he feels (oh really, that's why it took a year for you to ask for my number?) So he tells me how nice it is too hold me, how sexy I am etc. And while we're kissing, hever once tried to hide the fact that he was very turned on. And it seemed like he wanted to do more than kissing - it was practically foreplay. He gave me a little massage and I pretty much had to keep him from going any farther than just making out - as in deflecting hands from new place. I was having major flashbacks to J and I. Our first make-out session went very far and two days later we were in the back seat of his car. Look where that led me.

Red Flag number 4. Before the making out K said he didn't know where to go from here, or what to do next. I told him, well, you should call me, and we should go out sometime. He seemed to concure. But after the making out when he was leaving he says to call him. Call him any time. Huh?

I know it's stupid and very "rules" like, but I'm done with calling guys and asking them out. Done. All it did with J was give me a false sense that things were going the way I wanted. The same with the Jackass before him.

Call me crazy, or old fashioned but from now on I want a date, or three, before I start getting physical with someone. I'm not doing any more of this tripping over a guy and straight into bed with him.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Red Light, Green Light

What signals do I choose to heed and which do I figure are misleading?

When a guy close dances with you and asks for your number, then calls a week later to hang out that says to me that he likes me.

When I call him back and he says, call me when you want to hang, to me that says he's blowing me off.

When he says over and over how glad he is that I called him, that he wouldn't have shown up to a particular club if I hadn't been going, if he then talks to me for hours, and says he's embarrassed to say how glad he is that we got to hang out and then kisses me at my car, that tells me that he likes me.

When he sends me a text message at 4 am saying he's wanted to kiss me forever and that he's glad to finally be able to tell me how wonderful he thinks I am that he wants to see me soon - that tells me that he likes me.

When he says, again, to call him when I want to hang with him - that tells me that he's still playing it safe.

This is K. A guy I met a year ago and who I assumed had a girlfriend. He was always just friendly. He'd say hi, how's it going, and then go about dancing with other people. I'd usually have to corner him to get a dance. This whole time apparently he was just afraid that I wasn't interested.

To be fair for a very long time I was intently focused on J and I might well have turned him down. Even now, I'm a little hesitant.

Things have been weird with thinking that I'll run into J at any moment. If things don't go well with K (if I end up crushing his poor heart under my 3" dancing heels) how will I deal with the social fallout?

Also, I'm feeling that this might still be a symptom of feeling rejected - particularly now after the texting debacle with J, I wish I hadn't replied, I wish I hadn't replied with that reply, I keep wondering if he got the text because I haven't heard from him - and of seeing BMG in pictures on-line (there is one of her sitting - she's not even looking at the camera, it's just of her legs in that short white skirt. WTF?) and knowing how many guys are ga-ga for her. It's nice having someone who a) told me that I'm beautiful b) that he thinks so every time he sees me and c) how nice and non-stuck up I am (is it bad that I was thinking "ha! take that BMG!" in my head while he was saying this to me? and that if he knew my secret of being uber-catty he'd reasses that last one). I'm afraid that maybe I'm replacing the X - who is moving in less than a month and for whom my attraction is waning - with K. I'm afraid I would just use him to make J more interested in me.

I don't want to be a man eater. I don't want to lead this guy along. Especially if get the guts to pack up and move this winter. But it's nice to have someone that I like say these things to me. Maybe he's the one I need to get me over J, but is that really fair to K?

L has asked me out to dinner. I've been nice to him, and he's been talking to me at these clubs that I've been going to lately. He also texted me while I was on vacation. I texted him back last night. The club that I was meeting K at was dead (I ended up leaving with K and his friends and hanging out with them at somebody's house) and I was waiting for K to show up so texting was the natural fall back - that and the "Bubblesmile" game on my phone.

Today he emails me - maybe I want to try a new place on Wednesday and we can get dinner before hand. Sigh. I haven't meant to lead L on. It was just nice to talk and be friendly with him. I can't very well tell him, "Look, dating you will lead to fooling around, which I do not want to do with you. You're a bad kisser, it takes too long to get you off, and I'm not down with insulting you to turn you on." But I like him as a friend. Even a flirty friend.

It's funny. I'm obsessed with BMG and how "every" guy seems to think she's so hot. And when it comes down to it she only hangs with show off guy, and dances alot with the other guy (I have no good nickname for him) otherwise it's just the passel of other girls with Show Off guy. When I think about me - I can come up with 2 girls that I hang with one of whom is out of the country for a while and the rest are all guys - CF, CF's Friend, A (the very complimentary dancer who always tells me that I'm "all business" on the dance floor), K, L and more recently Older Inner Circle guy. So yeah, Younger Inner Circle guy takes her photo a ton, and she wears trashy clothes to show off her body - but I think it comes down to that old addage of girls not dressing up to impress guys, but to impress other girls. I wish I could believe the guys that like and compliment me to my face instead of my own head.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Unsubscribe me from your Booty Call List

I got better cell reception than the guides claimed when I was gone. I actually had a full set of bars sometimes. I wish I had just left the damn thing turned off though.

On day 2 I got a text message from J.

"Are you awake?" sent in the wee hours of the morning on the weekend.

Huh? At first I got all tingly and excited. It worked! I screamed in my head. Ignoring the bastard made him hot for me. He must have seen my wicked dance moves and realized that he must have me or else.

Yeah, the more I think about it the more I realize that he must have created a booty call group in his cell's phone book, texts it to see who's around and who responds. My guess is the fastest response and closest location gets the prize.

This realization makes me feel like an idiot for getting my hopes up again and for responding to the damn text. But I honestly thought for that amount of time that he had wanted me. Too bad I'm a complete moron and he's not replied to my reply. How often do I need to be rejected before I get the picture that J doesn't give an iota of a shit about me? He couldn't even remember to take me out of his booty call group. I'm sure he has by now.

The message I sent was just that I was out of town. Even though I was tempted to tell him to call me later, or ask what was up I didn't. Having days of non-response I've managed to stew alot and think of some better ways of responding if he sends one again. I considered something lengthy reminding hm that casual was not what I wanted, and didn't he think of me as just a friend anyway? But in the end my favorite is the "unsubscribe me from this booty-call list" because it says that I know what he's up to and that he's not getting any from me either.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Saturday Secrets

I thought I was in love J.

One part of my brain still says I am.
One part says don't be stupid, it is lust; a crush.
And one part says I hate him. For going from sleeping with me to ignoring me. For playing me so spectacularly, but still holding some incomprehensible fasination with me.

Friday, June 15, 2007

All I ever wanted



Vacation! Have to get away.


Right now I'm working on zero hours of sleep. I got home from the club at 2am had a good cry - finished watching a movie I'd started while working on my cute denim clam diggers, started blogging and then cleaning in prepation for -

a whole week out of here - no phone, no computer, no work. Just sunshine, mountains, water, hiking, horses, more sunshine and hanging out with family.

I have decided against sending J that text message. I'm glad I saved the draft and didn't have a "just go for it" moment. He had multiple occasions to engage me in conversation last night. He chose not to. If I had been so worried about what he thought of me ignoring him I would have gone up to him. But I didn't. As hard as it is to think that J doesn't want anything to do with me really, for what ever reason, then I've just got to live with it. Maybe over the next few months of running into each other occasionally hi how are you will turn into some better conversation, and maybe eventually I'll have the guts to dance with him again. Hopefully when that happens it's because I'm finally over him and dancing with him won't mean what it means now.

Like a compass

I don't know what it is. I can't figure out this weird new 6th sense I've got about J and where he's going to be dancing. I knew going to S___ Club Wednesday night that he wasn't going to be there even though I had seen him there the week before. And I also somehow knew that he would show up at the H_____ Club tonight. In the 6 weeks I've been going I haven't seen him there once.


Last week dancing with Show Off guy (the one with the huge following of women) he asked me where I learned. I think he comes to these clubs and shows off trying to get new clients (I've often wondered why J doesn't do something similar). I told him the truth - I know that Show Off Guy knows J. I saw SOG at J's club everytime I went. I had this idea in my head that SOG would go on Friday and mention our conversation at H____ Club and that J would show up knowing I was going to be there.

I can't say that that's how it happened, but J did show up. I wonder if he felt last Wednesday like I did tonight - looking up and seeing him in a place I was sure he never went.


Ever since I met J I've had an odd awareness of him. Like I can tell from afar if it's him walking on campus or not. I can tell by the body shape, the walk, the posture everything. So I only had see out of the corner of my eye him come into the club and pay the cover. At that point I became deeply engrossed in my conversation about the Beatles with a girl I sort of know. Even when I knew he was standing 4 feet to my left and that he had definitely seen me I didn't look up and acknowledge him. I steadfastly ignored him for at least 15 minutes. Which is impressive because H___ on Thursdays is not like S____ on Wednesdays - it's not crowded it has a large sized dance floor and all the seating is facing the dance floor including the bar. Mid-conversation about the beatles I got asked to dance, another guy I dance with on a regular basis was coming off the floor I quickly tapped him on the shoulder and said, save me the next one. I wanted to make sure that J saw me dancing with someone I know I dance well with. On about my 3rd or 4th dance that partner lead me over next to J and, guess, BMG dancing. I ignored them. But I did say hi to J after the dance was over since we were all exiting the floor and were standing in the same area. He said hi and we awkwardly hugged. He acted like he didn't really want to say hi to me. It was a weird exchange.

I pretty much ignored him the rest of the night too. It wasn't easy since I was at a table between where he was sitting at the bar (he didn't hang out with BMG and her elite gang) and the dance floor. I could feel him right behind me. I did talk to friends alot making a conscious effort not to turn around, but there were a few times when I was sitting by myself and he never came to talk to me. I did go to the bar a couple of times for coke or water and I made sure my path didn't go by him.

In the end though it was hugely dis-satisfying. I wish I could just be normal with him. I just don't know how.

I mean, I danced well, and there was more than once that I know he was watching me. I only saw him dance with BMG two, maybe 3 times although once - I know he was showing off - they did a lift. He tried that with me once a year ago before we started sleeping together. I wanted to just tell them both to grow up - it's not a ballroom competition it's a social dance.

I talked with L alot early in the evening - before J got there. I am amazed at how easy he is with me after the rejection I handed him. It is not unlike what J did to me. We fooled around, he said he wanted to date me and I said no that I didn't feel that way about him. Now 9 months later he's joking with me, flirting like mad. It's pretty crazy and I admire him for it. Because I can't even look J in the eye.

I sort of checked him out while I was dancing or I'd cast side-long glances while I was talking off the floor and he was dancing. I sort of wonder if L doesn't really want another chance with me. He told me once that he has a physical reaction to my presence. I think that it must be similar to mine when J is around.


It's strange because even though I was telling myself, don't be silly J's got no reason to go there. I still took extra special care with my appearance for the night - trying to get the casual/natural look. The longest part was my outfit really. I got old jeans at the Salvation Army cut the bottoms of the legs and the back pockets off. I rolled what was left of the bottoms up to my knees for the clam digger look. The back pockets had these horrible buttons on them, and I just would have taken the flaps off since they stuck out, but the buttons were so horrendous the whole thing had to go. That took forever. I paired it with a sky blue stretchy tank, also purchased at the Salvation Army earlier that evening which is shorter, but not mid-rift baring and I was wearing my new satin covered flesh toned shoes (to make the leg look longer). Then just natural make up, and air dried hair pulled up at the crown.

BMG on the other hand looked like a skinny Anna Kournikova. She was wearing an orange tank a few shades off from her skin color, and a short white skirt with a slit to the top of leg showing the built in boy shorts. It was a far cry from the jazz pants and black top I first met her in. I was glad of the contrast, because I was told by two guys that my out fit was cute, and that I was "rockin it" in my jeans. (I think the big blue patches on my ass where the back pockets where helped with that last statement). I was nice to BMG again tonight though - my guy friend mentioned "alot of guys think she's hot" and I when he didn't hear me say "I think she's built like a boy" I didn't repeat myself. I said, "never mind, I don't know her, and I don't want to be a person who talks that way."

I had a good time really (only a brief foray into the ladies for a cry after he'd gone without saying good-bye - but can you blame him for not wanting to approach an ice queen?). I danced with both Inner Circle guys - Older Inner Circle, and Younger Inner Circle. YIC took my picture early in the evening with L for their website, and was the one to make the "rockin" jeans comment. I think J saw me dancing with him. After the first dance after J got there which I was nervous as hell about - I calmed down and just thought fuck it - he's either watching or not and I couldn't let it affect my good time. So I didn't let it.

Except for the ignoring bit. I wonder if that's why he gave me an icy hi on the dance floor - because I had ignored him and last week at S____ club he had been normal and nice-ish to me. But I did say hi, and it's not like he couldn't have said hi to me, or asked me to dance - although I don't look forward to the first time that happens.

When I originally thought J might show up tonight, I had these fantasies of him asking to talk to me and taking me off in a corner where we would talk about stuff - he'd tell me misses me etc. The sad thing is I saw two different couples making out tonight. But J said exactly 2 words to me - Hi and Good (after I asked how he was).

I am an inch away from extending an olive branch. I want to text message him "Haven't seen you at H before. How did you like it?" He sat out for quite some time at one point. I just feel bad that he was sitting alone at the bar, BMG was with her Show Off Guy, not even SOG was sitting with J, and I was with my friends ignoring him. I know I shouldn't feel bad if he feels shitty, since he made me feel pretty shitty alot of the times. But I don't want him to think I'm bitter or a bitch. I also know I shouldn't care what he thinks of me. I just can't help it.

A part of me rationalizes it by wondering why can't just be mature about this. We had a fling, it's over, let's be fine with each other. We've seen each other naked, why can't we be comfortable around each other with clothes on now?
I wrote the text, but I didn't send it. I have it a saved message and will decide in the morning whether to send it or not.

Au natural:



I need to take the front pockets off too so that there is some consistency with the front and back, I just didn't have time tonight. I'll probably also remove the belt loops and add some kind of pretty silver or gold ribbon to the waistband to cover up the god awful button at the front and if it's wide enough cover up some of the wear on the top edges of where the pockets used to be. I patched the areas from the inside for now, but I'd like to cover them.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Ground me I'm having an Off Night

I had a good day at work. Something went right for a change and the teens I work with really seemed to enjoy the program I put together. I actually had more than 2/3 show up!

A night of dancing, however, didn't go as smoothly. For one J wasn't there this time. Again, my instincts had told me that already. That didn't stop me from looking though. I think that initially through me off. Then I slipped when I was being dipped by this one guy - I don't like dancing with him anyway, but I don't need him thinking I don't know what I'm doing - and he nearly dropped me. We stopped dancing after that. I was pretty much in a funk for most of the rest of the evening.

J may not have showed up, but one of the Inner Cirlce (as I like to call it) came in. It's the older guy, not the one who invited me to the BBQ. I didn't think he came to this place, but there was and he asked me to dance. I was really nervous because last thursday I thought I was horrid when I danced with him. To the point where I swear BMG who was sitting next to the dance floor laughed at me (even after I found her goddam earring for her). Add to that the fact that I was having an off night already, I thought for sure I would end up on my ass.

But it went all right for the most part. I guess I figured I couldn't get any worse. I fumbled a little bit, and he gave me a tip. Just to put a little more resistance in my arms. I guess I've gotten so used to dancing with the same guys all the time, I know their moves and can be a little more lax. It's the resistance in your arms and having a good frame that helps the leader get the message across. So I just firmed up a little bit and suddenly the dance was so much better. At least I felt it was. I stopped counting my steps for one, because I just kept thinking - firm, but not inflexible. I asked him afterward if that was better. He said it was and that I just needed some polishing.

It's similar to what my instructor told me earlier this week. I approached him about private lessons. Because if I get over the fear of doing what is expected of me and what a "safe" career choice is, and what my family will think, then I am going to pursue a spot at the Ballroom Dance Teachers College in January. Unless I can find a place that has openings after August (when I'm quitting my job) that will train me. I'd just like to have some more experience and a better foundation before then. This instructor is amazing, he has been dancing since he was young and teaching for more than 20 and think closer to 30 years. He is going to take me on - it's expensive, but I was going to take a grad class that would help me in my current job. But I hate my current job. I don't want to be at it anymore. So why spend the money on that?

He said that I have good movement and rhythm that I just need learn "grounding" once I get that I'll be "a good little dancer." I'm not sure what that last part is supposed to mean. Granted I'm short and petite, and he is quite a bit older than him. He probably thinks I'm 18. Still, it was a compliment. I know that much. Somehow things like that mean so much more coming from someone you admire.

I feel like a rough jewel all of a sudden - grounding and polishing - and I'll shine. (Ewww...that' was so kitch, pretend I didn't write it.)

Friday, June 08, 2007

Last Night

I was nice to BMG.

It was not the conversation I imagined where I was really nice, but at least I wasn't mean or spiteful or anything.

She lost and earring. She was soliciting people for help. I happened to see it. I picked it up and found her at the bar where she was asking them to keep an eye out for it when they closed. She hugged me.

I noticed later she had different earrings on. Who brings an extra set of earrings with them? Extra dance shoes? Yes. If you sweat an extra shirt is good, but earrings?

Anyway...I guess I'm on the road to not giving a shit about her or what she does or anything.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Lets be honest for a minute

Revenge? Please.

Drive him crazy? As if he gives a shit.

Last night was the first step in me slowly being driven insane because now I want to be around him again.

Blech.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Trust your instincts

8 hours later and I am so glad that I ran when I did.

My instincts were correct about seeing J for the first time since my email confession. It had to be dancing and the best time was now after my return from hiatus.

I had to work off my minor panic attack so I met some dancing acquaintances at a club I don't usually go to. I went once a year ago (almost exactly-quite possibly exactly) when L took me (well, he accompanied me there, he didn't pay or anything). A part of me had this feeling that J was going to be there. I don't know how or why. In the past he wasn't really a regular anywhere until he got a job at the place on Fridays, but that's work. I hadn't seen him at the social on sunday and I haven't seen him at the place on Thursdays either. So I just reasoned that he must go Wednesdays. Not that that guaranteed anything. And if I had true knowledge that he was going I probably wouldn't have.

I was really careful about how I dressed - low rise jeans w/ black belt and black halter top, top drop navel ring so yeah, I showed a little midrift at least it's not always, silver hoop earings and minimal make-up (always when dancing or else it'd be sweated off). L was standing at the bar when I walked in. I said hi to him. The first thing to come out of his mouth was "You look hot." He's always saying that. I realize if he can still be nice to me after I did to him what J did to me, then I too can suck it up and be nice to J.

I got there just as the lesson was finished, talked to a couple of people and out of the corner of my eye I see him walk in and pay the lady at the front. I am sure he saw me too, but it was such a split second glance that I easily made it look like I hadn't noticed him. And since you have to walk a good 6 or 7 feet from the bouncer to the hostess, I know he saw me long before I saw him.

For the whole evening I would give myself an 8 out of 10 for my level of "I don't care" casualness. I think J probably observed a 9 or 9.5. It made like I didn't know he was there for a good while. Until I went to the bar to get a drink and as I waited to be noticed by a bar tender a hand came to my waist. I honestly hadn't seen him come up, or if he had already been there. We gave perfunctory leaning side hug he said it had been a while and how was I. I said good and that was it. I moved to get a better spot at the bar and started talking to some old guy who reminded me of Ian McKellan, but not British. Later I was dancing with a guy who steered me right over to spot next to J. We then proceeded to have a great couple of dances - very good, very sexy, some dips, a few body rolls. I know J noticed. Ha! The only problem with this particular club is that it is small and popular. That makes the dance floor crowded and everyone is dancing. There is no real way to watch anyone as you're jam packed next to other couples. So I don't think that J got to see the real improvement I've made. I am sure it was a little evident, but not as good as if he'd come to one of the other places. I still give myself an 8 instead of a 9.6 or 10 because I did a little too much watching of him dance at one point it was a Reggaton song (booty shaking music) and the floor thinned out a bit and I watched him dance with an older lady. Then it was somebody's birthday dance and he ended up standing next to me in the circle watching. He gave me a side hug again asked me how I was, how was work. If I had just said, "oh, you know, it's work" and been done with it I could have given myself a 9.5 on my scale and congratulated myself, but I took to long to respond and the truth of "nyeh, not so good" and shrugged. I thought about asking him, but thought, I don't really want to. So I turned to the friend I had danced with last, and the one who invited me, and asked him something about the partner that the birthday girl was with. Then J touched me on the back and said bye before leaving.

End of encounter.

I did so fucking well. Like, amazingly amazingly well. No I didn't dance with him. I had thought that he was going to ask me at a couple of different times, but got blocked unintentionally by others. once I went to sid down with a group of guys I know, I think J was starting to come over when I got up and wedged myself between two of them. Mwahahahahaha. That was a good "look, I don't need or want you anymore, I've got plenty of guys that want my company instead" moment.

It was so much easier to be casual when I had something like dancing to focus on. I was nice. I neither ignored him nor was I attention seeking. It was good.

The sexy dancing with the one partner while J was near by was the hardest part I think. I can't help but still be attracted to him. It's just a strange chemical reaction that I can not explain. He's around me, I get aroused that's just how it goes. The guy I danced with, I have danced with before. He said that was the best one. Yeah no wonder. I was emboldened by the fact that J was near by. When the guy first lead me to a spot on the floor J was standing near by. So rather than stare at J, I looked at the guy I was dancing with. Well, duh. Not actually. I've never been good at looking my partner in the face while dancing. I look at our feet, or pick a spot on their chest, but I can't look him in the eye. I did with this guy. I needed something to focus on so my eyes didn't drift over to J. Well, the guy took it as a good sign and started going all sexy slow dips, body rolls and some other moves I know, but don't know the names of. It was a good dance and even though after I started dancing with the other guy J asked the older lady onto the floor I know that he saw it. It was almost like a dance off. We were both trying to show each other we didn't care what the other was doing. Ii may have been hard, but it was the highlight of my evening.

The other cool thing is that now that I've gotten the initial and meeting over with, I can go to the classes I want to when I want to and I won't feel obliged to avoid J. It just won't matter anymore.

I hope it won't matter anymore. I hope that if not that, then at least I took the first step to it not mattering anymore.


Oh who am I kidding? I am took the first step of driving him crazy with wanting me, by barely giving him the time of day. Ahh, revenge is so sweet.

Tonight I was the Bare Midrift Girl:

Scaredy Cat

I chickened out.

For all of my bravado and fantasies of acting normal. I chose my cutest work out outfit of black short shorts and loosish school logo t-shirt that matches the thin stripe of color in my sneakers. God, I even practiced a cheerful "Hi! How are you?" in the mirror so that it didn't look sad or forced. But I couldn't do it and I practically ran out of the gym ten minutes before 7 praying that I wouldn't run into him.

On my way home today I kept telling myself that all the guys in my life that have come back to me wanting to get back together are the ones I managed to stay "friends" with. I thought if I can just be friendly, normal and friendly that maybe in a month or two he'd tell me what I want to hear.

Maybe it's a good thing I ran away.


But I wanted to see him. I want to be normal with him. I want him to not ignore me anymore. I can't have that if I don't stick around to see him. I'm cursing myself for being a huge fucking coward.

Easy come easy go

As soon as I made other plans I felt better. It was like a weight had been sitting on my chest that just disapeared the moment I committed myself to not be at the gym to run into J.

The downside - I made plans with the X for dinner. We went to a diner just down the block from my apartment. Which meant he wanted to come back to my place afterward. Guess who's car was parked outside of my apartment building? J's. It seriously pissed me off. If he's not going to park in the parking lot why not take a meter that is closer to the gym? Why pick the one that I can practically see from my bedroom window? Just park in the goddam lot.

The X ended up leaving pretty early which was good - I wasn't into being with him. It was another grin and bear it times. I couldn't help thinking about the times I was with J in that bed. After the X left I quickly showered and went dancing.

CF has been trying to get me to go to a social dance on tuesdays for a while now. They play all the social dances there though and I don't know most of them. But I was talking to my instructor on monday night and decided to give it a try. I looked damn good and what with J's car being out front I was hoping that he would at least see me, but his car was still there and I don't think he was in it.

I ended up having a great time at the dance. I learned some new dances - the guys were completely willing to teach me the basics of some of the other dances. I totally forgot to even think about J until I got home and I took his spot out front. I was feeling awesome - total endorphin high. I had this stupid fantasy of being in class tomorrow and seeing J afterward and everything going uber-well. He'd ask me to stay for his class, I'd ask about the club - if the DJ got better or if they got a new one yet. I even had this crazy idea that I could even go back there now. I was planning on going out tonight to meet up with some people and I figured if I could get them to come out on Friday that it'd be a nice little buffer. Friday's are the one night I don't really get to dance.

Then I couldn't sleep and now I'm tired and irritable. I kept thinking I should call in sick today. I wish I had. I'm gonna leave early though. I'm not skipping my fitness class today. I don't care if I do have to see J afterwards. I'm tired of giving a shit about somebody who doesn't care less about me. If we say hi fine, and if we ignore eachother that's okay too. I'm just done with this.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

You make me completely miserable

Why do I want somebody who makes me feel so crappy?

I flipped a coin. It was tails - don't go.

I hate the idea of not doing something I want to do in order to avoid him. But on the other hand am I going to get the most out of it if I'm preoccupied the whole time?

The only problem is a part of me is nagging me to go. Go - it says. You know you want to go. Part of me just wants to get it over with. Like a band-aid. I just wish there was a way of making myself look extra attractive after a work out.

I hate that the very idea of seeing him for a minute sends me into this tailspin of nerves and depression. It's all I can do to not cry at my desk right now. Which probably just proves I couldn't handle seeing him in person.

Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind

I'm at a loss for what to do.

I am back to being a melencholy mess at the very thought of running into J at the gym. How stupid is this? I was all excited at the prospect of him being at the dance - because I thought I'd rock and get to metephorically thumb my nose at him. Walking out of the studio room and right into him does not really make me quiver with anticipation.
It makes me nauceas with nerves.

I'm thinking I can skip going to the classes right before his on Tuesday and Wednesday and just work out on my own - though I know it won't be as good. I can start the class and leave 15 or 20 minutes early, go to a different part of the gym to work out on my own waiting until his class is in full swing before leaving. Or I can skip going to the gym all together.

I remember when I timed my workouts so that I did get to see him. I thought I was getting better, what with feeling like I wanted him to be at the dances. And when I've been at the gym this past month, I didn't get worried about bumping into him. But now the prospect is real.

I don't think that J's been giving me a first thought, much less a second thought, this whole time. But now that I might run into him I realize that I am way overly focused on what he'll think of me. If I say hi will he think I've still got feelings for him? If I don't will he think I'm ignoring him because I'm angry and bitter? Will he try to act normal like we used to or will he ignore me?

A part of me wants to see him so I can tell if maybe absence does make the heart grow fungus and I've no longer got the hots for him. The other part of me is petrified that all the attraction I felt for him will come rushing back the moment I see him.

Deciding whether or not to work out should not be this overwhelming a decision. Why can't I just live my life and not care what J thinks, not think about him at all?

At the gym yesterday the one class I wanted to go to was canceled because the instructor didn't show up. A bunch of us were standing around waiting. One of the girls I recognized from J's class last summer. Summer Class Girl. I remember being really annoyed by SCG last summer because she interfeared with my flirting with J. And then there was the one time last fall when she ran across the street to talk to him while I was with him, saying she was on her way to find him, he got her phone number and said he'd call her after he dropped me off. Then when he was taking me to my car he said something about how so many people know him and he wish he didn't run into them all the time - but he still called her after he dropped me off.

SCG was bubbly and talkative while we were waiting. She started chatting to me and this other girl I know about how she's got this crush on a guy and how can she find out if he has a girlfriend. The other girl and I said at the exact same time - "ask him." SCG kept prattling on about how it worked with a different guy before and how she hoped that by being forward this guy thought she was cool, but even if not she could handle the rejection.I thought it was interesting, considering my own situation and I couldn't help but start thinking of J. A part of me wondered if either of these guys she was talking about is him. She said she's moving in August. I thought, well if guy number two is J, maybe she's got a shot. Two months seems about his attention span for spending actual time with a girl.

I'm trying so hard not to be bitter. I can't help but think when I finally do run into him that I will end up coming across as upset, angry, mean and bitter. I wish he didn't have such an effect on me. I wish that he could disapear from my mind as easily I did from his.

My fantasy of the weekend was that J would be there at the dance. That we'd get to talk. That he'd take me outside, put his arms around me, tell me that he misses me, wondering if he made a mistake, wondering what we can do about it. I imagine BMG watching us leave and wondering what's going on. And that's when I realize that I can't trust a word that comes out of his mounth. I am 100% positive that I was not the only girl he was having sex with for the year that I knew him. I think that when I didn't "get together" with him for weeks on end it was because he had someone else to "get together" with. I think it was painfully obvious by the tone of his email from two months ago. It was just more of his BS - too busy, considers me a friend, wants things to stay the same. What a load of crap that was.

I don't think I would believe him if he did say all the things I'd like to hear from him. So why am I so conserned about a brief exchange while I leave the gym?

Monday, June 04, 2007

The Inner Sanctum

Saturday were the workshop classses. I was nervous for the first 15 minutes checking the door to see who was coming in. Neither J nor BMG showed. I think that was a good thing. I had a great time, learned loads and I didn't need to be self-consious at all.
That night I took it easy. I did go out, but watched more than I danced just to save my feet for Sunday. I ended up talking to this one guy alot of the time. I like dancing with him because he keeps it pretty simple - cool, but simple - and is always very complimentary. When he throws something new at me and I do it well, or if I throw in some styling he always says "Look out, Free Me, is all business tonight."

This Sunday was a year that I've been going out to dance outside of classes. The difference is noticable. Not only am I a better dancer, but my very first time out I only stayed a couple of hours and sat out as much if not more than I danced.
Now I think I sat down once and that was just to change my shoes.

BMG did show up for the Sunday dance. I did alot better about not thinking about her much. I made one snarky mental comment about her atrocious outfit and left it at that. I noticed later that J's other dance partner (his first one, the one I like alot better) had also come. They were buddy buddy and I tried to decide whether I should go talk to her. We had only ever talked at the club and I don't even think she remembers my name. But I decide to be nice and I said hi. I think she's a good dancer (she should be it's her major) but I don't really think she's great at the partner dancing. We talked about the workshops some and I said how great they were. She mentioned she noticed alot of the girls at this dance doing alot of styling. I have noticed this in her dances with J at the club - she's got the big tricks down - the splits, the shines, the flips and lifts - but the little touches she doesn't do. BMG does have that on her I have to admit. BMG can do both. So Dance Partner 1 (D1) and I chatted for a bit then I said bye to some others. BMG was near by, but since I've never been formally introduced to her or anything and she was talking to her mom I didn't say anything to her. Yeah, her mom. It's kind of cute actually - that is one of the ladies I've seen her with on Thursday nights.

On Saturday during the breaks one of the organizers - a great dancer who only ever asked me to dance two weeks ago - started talking to me. I know that he dances with and hangs out with BMG often so I never really thought he'd ever talk to me. At the end of the day we were chatting again and he invited me to a bbq. It was for guest instructors that rant he workshops. I didn't end up going but he even took me out to my car w/ his umbrella since I didn't have one. He talked to me on Sunday again and asked me to dance. I think he videoed me dancing with someone and definetly caught me downing a popsicle later in the evening. It's like I've finally been invited into the cool crowd or the inner sanctum that I've never been allowed to see before.

I'm actually a little disapoited that J didn't show up. One, I'd like him to see how much better I've gotten. And two, I dread the idea of running into him at the gym. Classes start again today and there are two I'd like to take, but they are in the same room right before his classes. Which means I would see him as I leave and he's setting up. At least at the dance I could have been doing something else, but to just walk by or walk out after a perfunctory hello is not how I wanted to interact with him for the first time after two months of silence. I feel like I'm back to avoiding him like I was for a couple of weeks in April, but not because I don't want to see him, but because I don't want to see him like that. On the other hand I don't want to actively seek him out either. I'm not heading back to his club just to show him my new moves. I don't want to give him any kind of idea that I care anymore, even if I do.

Friday, June 01, 2007

I know it's me

I am getting really nervous about tomorrow.

It's another day of dance workshops and I keep wondering if J is going to be there. I'm trying to figure out if I want him to be there or not.

I'm afraid that I want him to be there because I'm hoping that Hell will freeze over and he'll tell me that he made a mistake, that he misses me, that we'll be talking outside and he'll kiss me. I wonder if I just want the opportunity to blow him off - make him think it's no big deal and I don't care about him or us anymore.

I know I should be wanting the opportunity to see that I am okay and not for those other reasons, but I know myself too well.

Another part of me hopes he won't be there. I know that my nerves right now will pale in comparison to what they will be tomorrow morning, which will be nothing compared to what I will feel if he's actually there. I was always nervous around him anyway. Add this and I'll be lucky to put one foot in front of the other, much less actually dance.

Last night I did my damnest to ignore BMG although, the guy she hangs with (R) had even more ladies sitting with him tonight. I swear his harem gets bigger each week. If I caught myself watching her dance I'd make a point to turn and watch somebody else. I was sitting at the end of the night talking with a guy I dance with alot and who I really like to dance with. R and his group o' ladies were at a table 6 or 10 feet in front of us and I swear that BMG was talking about him or me because they looked over at us more than once. It was very unnerving and I don't like it.

I'm wondering more and more if she remembers me from March as a friend of J's and if she knows that I dislike her and why.

I am petrified that she and J will be there together again. Although I find it hard to equate the BMG from March w/ J and the BMG I see at the clubs on Thursday nights with R. It's like a weird voyeristic mystery that I am both appalled at, strangely drawn to, and completely ashamed to admit that I am enthralled by.

This is the one picture from two weeks ago that made it online. I only know it's me because of the top I am wearing.

 
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