Last week dancing with Show Off guy (the one with the huge following of women) he asked me where I learned. I think he comes to these clubs and shows off trying to get new clients (I've often wondered why J doesn't do something similar). I told him the truth - I know that Show Off Guy knows J. I saw SOG at J's club everytime I went. I had this idea in my head that SOG would go on Friday and mention our conversation at H____ Club and that J would show up knowing I was going to be there.
I can't say that that's how it happened, but J did show up. I wonder if he felt last Wednesday like I did tonight - looking up and seeing him in a place I was sure he never went.
Ever since I met J I've had an odd awareness of him. Like I can tell from afar if it's him walking on campus or not. I can tell by the body shape, the walk, the posture everything. So I only had see out of the corner of my eye him come into the club and pay the cover. At that point I became deeply engrossed in my conversation about the Beatles with a girl I sort of know. Even when I knew he was standing 4 feet to my left and that he had definitely seen me I didn't look up and acknowledge him. I steadfastly ignored him for at least 15 minutes. Which is impressive because H___ on Thursdays is not like S____ on Wednesdays - it's not crowded it has a large sized dance floor and all the seating is facing the dance floor including the bar. Mid-conversation about the beatles I got asked to dance, another guy I dance with on a regular basis was coming off the floor I quickly tapped him on the shoulder and said, save me the next one. I wanted to make sure that J saw me dancing with someone I know I dance well with. On about my 3rd or 4th dance that partner lead me over next to J and, guess, BMG dancing. I ignored them. But I did say hi to J after the dance was over since we were all exiting the floor and were standing in the same area. He said hi and we awkwardly hugged. He acted like he didn't really want to say hi to me. It was a weird exchange.
I pretty much ignored him the rest of the night too. It wasn't easy since I was at a table between where he was sitting at the bar (he didn't hang out with BMG and her elite gang) and the dance floor. I could feel him right behind me. I did talk to friends alot making a conscious effort not to turn around, but there were a few times when I was sitting by myself and he never came to talk to me. I did go to the bar a couple of times for coke or water and I made sure my path didn't go by him.
In the end though it was hugely dis-satisfying. I wish I could just be normal with him. I just don't know how.
I mean, I danced well, and there was more than once that I know he was watching me. I only saw him dance with BMG two, maybe 3 times although once - I know he was showing off - they did a lift. He tried that with me once a year ago before we started sleeping together. I wanted to just tell them both to grow up - it's not a ballroom competition it's a social dance.
I talked with L alot early in the evening - before J got there. I am amazed at how easy he is with me after the rejection I handed him. It is not unlike what J did to me. We fooled around, he said he wanted to date me and I said no that I didn't feel that way about him. Now 9 months later he's joking with me, flirting like mad. It's pretty crazy and I admire him for it. Because I can't even look J in the eye.
I sort of checked him out while I was dancing or I'd cast side-long glances while I was talking off the floor and he was dancing. I sort of wonder if L doesn't really want another chance with me. He told me once that he has a physical reaction to my presence. I think that it must be similar to mine when J is around.
It's strange because even though I was telling myself, don't be silly J's got no reason to go there. I still took extra special care with my appearance for the night - trying to get the casual/natural look. The longest part was my outfit really. I got old jeans at the Salvation Army cut the bottoms of the legs and the back pockets off. I rolled what was left of the bottoms up to my knees for the clam digger look. The back pockets had these horrible buttons on them, and I just would have taken the flaps off since they stuck out, but the buttons were so horrendous the whole thing had to go. That took forever. I paired it with a sky blue stretchy tank, also purchased at the Salvation Army earlier that evening which is shorter, but not mid-rift baring and I was wearing my new satin covered flesh toned shoes (to make the leg look longer). Then just natural make up, and air dried hair pulled up at the crown.
BMG on the other hand looked like a skinny Anna Kournikova. She was wearing an orange tank a few shades off from her skin color, and a short white skirt with a slit to the top of leg showing the built in boy shorts. It was a far cry from the jazz pants and black top I first met her in. I was glad of the contrast, because I was told by two guys that my out fit was cute, and that I was "rockin it" in my jeans. (I think the big blue patches on my ass where the back pockets where helped with that last statement). I was nice to BMG again tonight though - my guy friend mentioned "alot of guys think she's hot" and I when he didn't hear me say "I think she's built like a boy" I didn't repeat myself. I said, "never mind, I don't know her, and I don't want to be a person who talks that way."
I had a good time really (only a brief foray into the ladies for a cry after he'd gone without saying good-bye - but can you blame him for not wanting to approach an ice queen?). I danced with both Inner Circle guys - Older Inner Circle, and Younger Inner Circle. YIC took my picture early in the evening with L for their website, and was the one to make the "rockin" jeans comment. I think J saw me dancing with him. After the first dance after J got there which I was nervous as hell about - I calmed down and just thought fuck it - he's either watching or not and I couldn't let it affect my good time. So I didn't let it.
Except for the ignoring bit. I wonder if that's why he gave me an icy hi on the dance floor - because I had ignored him and last week at S____ club he had been normal and nice-ish to me. But I did say hi, and it's not like he couldn't have said hi to me, or asked me to dance - although I don't look forward to the first time that happens.
When I originally thought J might show up tonight, I had these fantasies of him asking to talk to me and taking me off in a corner where we would talk about stuff - he'd tell me misses me etc. The sad thing is I saw two different couples making out tonight. But J said exactly 2 words to me - Hi and Good (after I asked how he was).
I am an inch away from extending an olive branch. I want to text message him "Haven't seen you at H before. How did you like it?" He sat out for quite some time at one point. I just feel bad that he was sitting alone at the bar, BMG was with her Show Off Guy, not even SOG was sitting with J, and I was with my friends ignoring him. I know I shouldn't feel bad if he feels shitty, since he made me feel pretty shitty alot of the times. But I don't want him to think I'm bitter or a bitch. I also know I shouldn't care what he thinks of me. I just can't help it.
A part of me rationalizes it by wondering why can't just be mature about this. We had a fling, it's over, let's be fine with each other. We've seen each other naked, why can't we be comfortable around each other with clothes on now?
I wrote the text, but I didn't send it. I have it a saved message and will decide in the morning whether to send it or not.
Au natural:
I need to take the front pockets off too so that there is some consistency with the front and back, I just didn't have time tonight. I'll probably also remove the belt loops and add some kind of pretty silver or gold ribbon to the waistband to cover up the god awful button at the front and if it's wide enough cover up some of the wear on the top edges of where the pockets used to be. I patched the areas from the inside for now, but I'd like to cover them.
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