My instincts were correct about seeing J for the first time since my email confession. It had to be dancing and the best time was now after my return from hiatus.
I had to work off my minor panic attack so I met some dancing acquaintances at a club I don't usually go to. I went once a year ago (almost exactly-quite possibly exactly) when L took me (well, he accompanied me there, he didn't pay or anything). A part of me had this feeling that J was going to be there. I don't know how or why. In the past he wasn't really a regular anywhere until he got a job at the place on Fridays, but that's work. I hadn't seen him at the social on sunday and I haven't seen him at the place on Thursdays either. So I just reasoned that he must go Wednesdays. Not that that guaranteed anything. And if I had true knowledge that he was going I probably wouldn't have.
I was really careful about how I dressed - low rise jeans w/ black belt and black halter top, top drop navel ring so yeah, I showed a little midrift at least it's not always, silver hoop earings and minimal make-up (always when dancing or else it'd be sweated off). L was standing at the bar when I walked in. I said hi to him. The first thing to come out of his mouth was "You look hot." He's always saying that. I realize if he can still be nice to me after I did to him what J did to me, then I too can suck it up and be nice to J.
I got there just as the lesson was finished, talked to a couple of people and out of the corner of my eye I see him walk in and pay the lady at the front. I am sure he saw me too, but it was such a split second glance that I easily made it look like I hadn't noticed him. And since you have to walk a good 6 or 7 feet from the bouncer to the hostess, I know he saw me long before I saw him.
For the whole evening I would give myself an 8 out of 10 for my level of "I don't care" casualness. I think J probably observed a 9 or 9.5. It made like I didn't know he was there for a good while. Until I went to the bar to get a drink and as I waited to be noticed by a bar tender a hand came to my waist. I honestly hadn't seen him come up, or if he had already been there. We gave perfunctory leaning side hug he said it had been a while and how was I. I said good and that was it. I moved to get a better spot at the bar and started talking to some old guy who reminded me of Ian McKellan, but not British. Later I was dancing with a guy who steered me right over to spot next to J. We then proceeded to have a great couple of dances - very good, very sexy, some dips, a few body rolls. I know J noticed. Ha! The only problem with this particular club is that it is small and popular. That makes the dance floor crowded and everyone is dancing. There is no real way to watch anyone as you're jam packed next to other couples. So I don't think that J got to see the real improvement I've made. I am sure it was a little evident, but not as good as if he'd come to one of the other places. I still give myself an 8 instead of a 9.6 or 10 because I did a little too much watching of him dance at one point it was a Reggaton song (booty shaking music) and the floor thinned out a bit and I watched him dance with an older lady. Then it was somebody's birthday dance and he ended up standing next to me in the circle watching. He gave me a side hug again asked me how I was, how was work. If I had just said, "oh, you know, it's work" and been done with it I could have given myself a 9.5 on my scale and congratulated myself, but I took to long to respond and the truth of "nyeh, not so good" and shrugged. I thought about asking him, but thought, I don't really want to. So I turned to the friend I had danced with last, and the one who invited me, and asked him something about the partner that the birthday girl was with. Then J touched me on the back and said bye before leaving.
End of encounter.
I did so fucking well. Like, amazingly amazingly well. No I didn't dance with him. I had thought that he was going to ask me at a couple of different times, but got blocked unintentionally by others. once I went to sid down with a group of guys I know, I think J was starting to come over when I got up and wedged myself between two of them. Mwahahahahaha. That was a good "look, I don't need or want you anymore, I've got plenty of guys that want my company instead" moment.
It was so much easier to be casual when I had something like dancing to focus on. I was nice. I neither ignored him nor was I attention seeking. It was good.
The sexy dancing with the one partner while J was near by was the hardest part I think. I can't help but still be attracted to him. It's just a strange chemical reaction that I can not explain. He's around me, I get aroused that's just how it goes. The guy I danced with, I have danced with before. He said that was the best one. Yeah no wonder. I was emboldened by the fact that J was near by. When the guy first lead me to a spot on the floor J was standing near by. So rather than stare at J, I looked at the guy I was dancing with. Well, duh. Not actually. I've never been good at looking my partner in the face while dancing. I look at our feet, or pick a spot on their chest, but I can't look him in the eye. I did with this guy. I needed something to focus on so my eyes didn't drift over to J. Well, the guy took it as a good sign and started going all sexy slow dips, body rolls and some other moves I know, but don't know the names of. It was a good dance and even though after I started dancing with the other guy J asked the older lady onto the floor I know that he saw it. It was almost like a dance off. We were both trying to show each other we didn't care what the other was doing. Ii may have been hard, but it was the highlight of my evening.
The other cool thing is that now that I've gotten the initial and meeting over with, I can go to the classes I want to when I want to and I won't feel obliged to avoid J. It just won't matter anymore.
I hope it won't matter anymore. I hope that if not that, then at least I took the first step to it not mattering anymore.
Oh who am I kidding? I am took the first step of driving him crazy with wanting me, by barely giving him the time of day. Ahh, revenge is so sweet.
Tonight I was the Bare Midrift Girl:
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