I know it's me

I am getting really nervous about tomorrow.

It's another day of dance workshops and I keep wondering if J is going to be there. I'm trying to figure out if I want him to be there or not.

I'm afraid that I want him to be there because I'm hoping that Hell will freeze over and he'll tell me that he made a mistake, that he misses me, that we'll be talking outside and he'll kiss me. I wonder if I just want the opportunity to blow him off - make him think it's no big deal and I don't care about him or us anymore.

I know I should be wanting the opportunity to see that I am okay and not for those other reasons, but I know myself too well.

Another part of me hopes he won't be there. I know that my nerves right now will pale in comparison to what they will be tomorrow morning, which will be nothing compared to what I will feel if he's actually there. I was always nervous around him anyway. Add this and I'll be lucky to put one foot in front of the other, much less actually dance.

Last night I did my damnest to ignore BMG although, the guy she hangs with (R) had even more ladies sitting with him tonight. I swear his harem gets bigger each week. If I caught myself watching her dance I'd make a point to turn and watch somebody else. I was sitting at the end of the night talking with a guy I dance with alot and who I really like to dance with. R and his group o' ladies were at a table 6 or 10 feet in front of us and I swear that BMG was talking about him or me because they looked over at us more than once. It was very unnerving and I don't like it.

I'm wondering more and more if she remembers me from March as a friend of J's and if she knows that I dislike her and why.

I am petrified that she and J will be there together again. Although I find it hard to equate the BMG from March w/ J and the BMG I see at the clubs on Thursday nights with R. It's like a weird voyeristic mystery that I am both appalled at, strangely drawn to, and completely ashamed to admit that I am enthralled by.

This is the one picture from two weeks ago that made it online. I only know it's me because of the top I am wearing.