Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind

I'm at a loss for what to do.

I am back to being a melencholy mess at the very thought of running into J at the gym. How stupid is this? I was all excited at the prospect of him being at the dance - because I thought I'd rock and get to metephorically thumb my nose at him. Walking out of the studio room and right into him does not really make me quiver with anticipation.
It makes me nauceas with nerves.

I'm thinking I can skip going to the classes right before his on Tuesday and Wednesday and just work out on my own - though I know it won't be as good. I can start the class and leave 15 or 20 minutes early, go to a different part of the gym to work out on my own waiting until his class is in full swing before leaving. Or I can skip going to the gym all together.

I remember when I timed my workouts so that I did get to see him. I thought I was getting better, what with feeling like I wanted him to be at the dances. And when I've been at the gym this past month, I didn't get worried about bumping into him. But now the prospect is real.

I don't think that J's been giving me a first thought, much less a second thought, this whole time. But now that I might run into him I realize that I am way overly focused on what he'll think of me. If I say hi will he think I've still got feelings for him? If I don't will he think I'm ignoring him because I'm angry and bitter? Will he try to act normal like we used to or will he ignore me?

A part of me wants to see him so I can tell if maybe absence does make the heart grow fungus and I've no longer got the hots for him. The other part of me is petrified that all the attraction I felt for him will come rushing back the moment I see him.

Deciding whether or not to work out should not be this overwhelming a decision. Why can't I just live my life and not care what J thinks, not think about him at all?

At the gym yesterday the one class I wanted to go to was canceled because the instructor didn't show up. A bunch of us were standing around waiting. One of the girls I recognized from J's class last summer. Summer Class Girl. I remember being really annoyed by SCG last summer because she interfeared with my flirting with J. And then there was the one time last fall when she ran across the street to talk to him while I was with him, saying she was on her way to find him, he got her phone number and said he'd call her after he dropped me off. Then when he was taking me to my car he said something about how so many people know him and he wish he didn't run into them all the time - but he still called her after he dropped me off.

SCG was bubbly and talkative while we were waiting. She started chatting to me and this other girl I know about how she's got this crush on a guy and how can she find out if he has a girlfriend. The other girl and I said at the exact same time - "ask him." SCG kept prattling on about how it worked with a different guy before and how she hoped that by being forward this guy thought she was cool, but even if not she could handle the rejection.I thought it was interesting, considering my own situation and I couldn't help but start thinking of J. A part of me wondered if either of these guys she was talking about is him. She said she's moving in August. I thought, well if guy number two is J, maybe she's got a shot. Two months seems about his attention span for spending actual time with a girl.

I'm trying so hard not to be bitter. I can't help but think when I finally do run into him that I will end up coming across as upset, angry, mean and bitter. I wish he didn't have such an effect on me. I wish that he could disapear from my mind as easily I did from his.

My fantasy of the weekend was that J would be there at the dance. That we'd get to talk. That he'd take me outside, put his arms around me, tell me that he misses me, wondering if he made a mistake, wondering what we can do about it. I imagine BMG watching us leave and wondering what's going on. And that's when I realize that I can't trust a word that comes out of his mounth. I am 100% positive that I was not the only girl he was having sex with for the year that I knew him. I think that when I didn't "get together" with him for weeks on end it was because he had someone else to "get together" with. I think it was painfully obvious by the tone of his email from two months ago. It was just more of his BS - too busy, considers me a friend, wants things to stay the same. What a load of crap that was.

I don't think I would believe him if he did say all the things I'd like to hear from him. So why am I so conserned about a brief exchange while I leave the gym?