Monday, July 31, 2006

46

hours and counting.

Man he'd better have a good excuse for not calling me or I might not feel like having company over. Sexy company or not.

Dirty Dancing

39 hours and counting. I still haven't heard from J.

Went to a party with L last night. Had to pay $10 to get in, which I thought was a bit of a rip off considering. Basically one of L's friends is a choreographer of sorts and put together some kind of dance exhibition. There were 3 short performances, and other than that my $10 went towards an assortment of finger foods and since we got there late, I got 2 strawberries. And it was a cash bar which meant I had water all night. The dancing was okay. But nothing amazing. It was fairly obvious that it was amaturish. It didn't help that the only person I knew was L and a friend of his that drove us whom I met that night. The friend was pretty nice. Though L would go off to mingle, the friend pretty much hung out with me. He was funny and we got along well. He's married, but I think he was flirting with me. And I saw him go upstairs with more than one girl. At one point during the night he asks if L and I are dating. I answered honestly and said, I don't know because he's being skitso about it. The friend said he does that, gets frustrated with dumb flaky girls and swears off dating for a while. But regardless, the friend said he enjoyed hanging out with me and that I should stick around with L for a while. He honestly didn't care if L and I became a couple, he just wanted to hang out with me again!

After the 3rd dance most people left, but the dj kept playing so a bunch of us started dancing. It's really sad, because amongst my friends I'm easily the best dancer. But here I was surrounded by all these people who do all sorts of proper dancing and suddenly I realized that I'm not as great a dancer as I thought I was. I've seen both dirty dancing movies, the original "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" one and the "Havana Nights" I've got nothing in common with the original except a name and some dancing. That moment that occurs in both movies where the goody-goody girl walks into the club and sees all the raunchy dancing and you can see the incredulity on her face. That was me...only it was dark and I didn't have that look. The thing is that L was so very into it. It wasn't just some grinding like I'm used to. And L kept talking about how much I turn him on. All night he was saying how beautiful and hot I am. Not that compliments aren't nice, but it gets a little embarrassing after awhile. How often can you say thanks to stuff like that. But he never once tried anything. His hands wandered a little bit on my waist, stomach and my butt. But he never groped me and he didn't even try to kiss me. It was highly confusing.


At the end of the night he tried to get me to stay on his couch because it was so late and I had to go home, get a little sleep and work today. But I didn't. I was pretty sure that he'd meant it too, for me to take the couch. All we did was hug a little. The nice kind where you snuggle in a bit and feel like you could fall asleep on his shoulder. Although, L's build is slighter than J's and much smaller than the X's. And I kept thinking about that. While we were dancing and when we hugged before I went home. His body didn't feel the same, and I'm not yet sure whether I am or could be attracted to him. The whole time we were dancing I just kept thinking that if I did end up sleeping with him it would just be to have sex and not to have sex with him. I've never done that before. I'm glad thath I didn't start, but at the same time.... for saying that I turn him on so much I am kind of suprised that he didn't try anything. Relieved and grateful too, but seriously confused too.

I think J is going to get a big suprise if he thinks he can call me right at the end of the day, or if he's expecting me to show up at the gym this afternoon to bump into him. Because I'm not. I got home so late last night, and I am so tired that I am going home, cleaning up the house a little, and going straight to bed.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

I'm a coward, weak, and immature

I was so excited to have some space to myself that I was determined to call J and invite him over. But I got so scared and nervous for no particular reason. As if he won't want me if I admit to him that I want to see him not just when he wants to see me. I've got this paranoia of "chasing" guys I like. That if I do it, by calling them, by asking them out, anything that makes me feel like I'm not letting them pursue me, but am coming to them, that I will some how turn them off.

I guess because about 3 years ago I liked this guy so much, I call him the JackAss now, that I did all the asking out, all the calling after the first few weeks. I didn't think anything of it. I rearranged my weekend schedules to open so that I could go out with him if the opportunity came up. I wasted 75% of my weekends that way. And I traveled an hour to and from his neck of the woods to do it. Nothing progressed beyond just friendly hanging out. He never made a move on me, never kissed me, never held my hand, never flirted and after 7 months of this non-sense I got an email from him. I had called him a couple of times right before and he had been busy each time. His email was a thanks for the invites, but he had been doing xyz whatever. The kicker came when he said he'd be busy the next weekend too because his "girl's" brother was getting married and that ment days and days of stuff to do, but that he was really excited about it. I was at work when I got that email and I had to go into the bathroom to cry. No wonder he'd never tried anything with me, he had a girlfriend. He was single when I met him, just out of a relationship which is why it hurt that much more.

From then on I vowed not to "chase" anyone. Because I never spoke to the JackAss again. Well, we said hi at a mutual friend's wedding, and luckily I had the X with me then, so I was feeling pretty good. But it was amazing how, he also never called or emailed or anything. If a guy wants me he'll make an effort, that's my reasoning.

But with J I figured, what does it hurt? We're only having sex and meeting up to dance everyonce in a while. But still I chickened out Friday. The whole reason I didn't go with the X, I wanted a weekend in bed with J. I finally called him after I had a glass of wine and was relaxing in a bath Saturday evening, only to get his voicemail. Maybe I should have said I had the house to myself and was relaxing in the bath. Maybe that would have gotten his attention. Because as of 3 hours ago he still hadn't called.

Now I won't even look at my phone. I plan on making him wait too. I'm supposed to go to a party with L anyway. So I'm ignoring him. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Friday, July 28, 2006

The Rollercoaster

The one good thing that came out of the drama with the X is that when he emailed me back he says that he as gotten over wanting us to be together. He admits that there is nothing past our interests, no magnetism or spark between us. He had slowed down his "wooing" because he had doubts even when he was determined to get me back.

So maybe this is a step in the right direction. Maybe when he stops being mad at me about this one thing, he and I can actually be friends.

But it made me feel bad again, because he claims to have made sleeping arrangements to accomodate me being uncofortable because he knew I would be. And apparently it's just one more summer plan that has gone down the crapper for him. I know I can't help it if any of his other plans, but I feel bad for being one more reason he thinks he's having a bad summer. At the same time, I know he told me these things to make me feel guilty. I know this because I am the Princess of Guilt Trips (my mother is the Queen...I learned it from her, and her from her mom, it's like a real legacy), Martyrdom, and Passive Agression.

I got offered a phone interview today. It's for a position out of state. It could start as soon as September or as late as next year, it's hard to say and they haven't given me any indication. They've had my resume for 3 months, so I am hoping that the interview process also takes some time because I don't want to have to move out of state with less than a month's notice and I don't see how they can expect someone to do that.

The other reason I want it to be farther away is J. He asked if I will be his partner for the dance lessons when they start back up. Especially for the advanced class. It makes me giddy. I realize it's as much because he likes me as that my dancing skills are up to par. Right now I'm working on findng some new music and some videos of new moves we can try in class. I can't wait to get the house cleaned up a bit so that I can have him over.

L also called and wants to take me to a party. I think he's starting to get into "date" mode. He doesn't want to go to the party by himself, even though it's a friend of his giving it. I'm kind of glad I got this interview so that I can tell him about it and discuss the fact that, yes, I am probably moving out of state at some point. He has settled here, so I want him to know that we are not going to be more than friends.

Odd, I'm only having sex with J and I don't want him to know this stuff on the off chance I hurt his feelings. Maybe because he's a little younger than me? Or because I'll probably miss him the most when I leave someday.

Hate Me Today

I've been a lousy person this week. I was only thinking of myself and consequently hurt a friend. Granted that friend is the X, but even so I feel bad. Like I have squashed his feelings into nothingness, pulled out his heart and trampled on it beneath my dancing feet.

Last weekend we went out. I didn't want to go home after dance class and deal with my parents so I called him up and we went to lunch and just hung out a bit. In the hanging out time he asked about "us" because with my promotion at work and looking for a place to live in the area. I said that I still didn't think it was a good idea to get back together because we were both looking for jobs out of town. I want to leave the state even, he does not. He wants to end up near his family closer to his home town. I should have been straight foward and said that I didn't have feelings for him rather than blame logistics. But I'm a chicken shit. He said we could stil see each other with out being akward, maybe see more of each other than we had been, and lets go away to the beach this weekend. In my cowardess I said yes. But really, I don't want to see too much of him, because I have other people to see, and I don't want to go on a weekend trip with him because we're not together. I wouldn't go away for the weekend with L. But I didn't say that instead I said yes.

And then I found out that the parentals are going on vacation and I could invite J over for some quality time in an actual bed. Which sinched it for me. I had to call the X and explain that I would not be going away for the weekend with him, and that I thought he might still harbor hope that we'd eventually make it, and that was infact not true. I was never able to get ahold him. I should have emailed him and said, hey I don't want to go to the beach and left it at that. He would have understood. I am not an outdoorsy person. But no, I was in set-the-record-straight mode and kept putting of until I could speak to him. Only I never got to.

Yesterday he appears on chat and asks me what I'm doing on Friday did I want to put software on my new computer. Color me confused. So I said maybe Monday, I might be going out on Friday and didn't want to leave him hanging with a maybe. The rest of the convo went down hill from there:
X: So you were lying about going to the beach?
Me: No, I just thought better of it. I don't feel comfortable with spending the night with you. I tried calling and I never got through.
...
...
Me: Are you mad that I don't want to go to the beach?
X: -signs off-

Me in email: You really are mad aren't you?
His email: It was better when we weren't talking. Have a great life, I hope you're happy.
My email: If that's what you want I'll respect it.
His email: Maybe I was quick to say that, but it's kind of true. If you didn't want to go you should have said or emailed me. I don't think you tried to call at all. Telling me the day before we're supposed to leave is just blowing me off.

So I wrote an email trying to explain myself. I think it has caused more drama that anything else. I'm not even sure why I feel so terrible. Because I know that I was blowing him off, but at the same time, I do have legitamate reasons for not wanting to go with him.

But lets compare:
He broke up with me over the phone after treating me like shit for two months. He waited for 5 months after I've lost 20lbs and gotten a social life before contacting me again. In that time if I saw him I was ignored.
I didn't tell him right away that I had no intention of getting back together with him three months ago when he wanted to. Instead I chose the "lets casually date and see where things lead" option. I cancelled a weekend trip.

So really...why am I so worried about his feelings. He's as much a jackass as I'm a bitch.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

But now I'm kind of worried.

I'm a little afraid that if we get caught or somebody finds out what we did that J will get fired. That would be really bad.

A fantasy come true

Or nearly anyway (more later).

The apartment hunt goes on. I have made up a little chart of pros and cons for the places I've seen. But I'm leaning toward a studio in a friends building. It's only studio's (where do I put the bed!) but my friend says they'll do month-to-month. I've seen hers and it's not great but it'll do for a bit, until I know where I'm going with a job. And it's fairly cheap.

Talking with J the other day while resting in his back seat, it sounds like he'd like me to take the nicer apartment that is a block walk from work. It'd be easier for him to come see me tha's for sure. We've seen each other more these past few days. He called just to say hi over the weekend. He kissed me out in public on the way to my car last week. When I told him I wanted to find a place with a shorter lease and was leaning toward something farther out of town with a 6 month lease (before talking to my friend) . His responce was that if I got a job out of town at least the rush-hour traffic would be heading the other way and I might prefer to stay here. :) It was adorable, and I didn't have the heart to tell him I was looking for something out of state.

J and I ran into each other at the gym yesterday and we actually managed to find an empty studio to dance in. It was great, but I'm really rusty. I kept getting off beat, and since I was there to excersize I was in gym shoes which made it a little harder. And then we totally got busy in the dance studio! Which has been a fantasy of mine since I first started crushing on J. There were times when we practiced outside of class when I thought I would explode if he didn't take me right there. The only small blemish on the whole thing was that we couldn't do it standing up. I can not figure out the trick to this position. Even up against a wall it was not working.

Friday, July 21, 2006

I hate my life.

I am the most miserable I have been since hurting over the X.

Nothing in my life is right. I hate being at home, but everyone is telling me that it's a mistake to move out. I do nothing at my job but be bored. I get no benefits for working full time. It is only a temporary postion so I am out on my ass in a year. If I continue to look for a permanent job with benefits, I might have to break a lease if I do move out on my own. All the places I look at are hell holes. I barely sleep and I don't eat well. I just keep thinking about this horrible limbo state I am in. Not having anywhere to go, not really doing anything, and not seeing any way for it to get better any time soon.

I feel good during 3 things...being with J, dancing, and exercizing. They're all relatively mindless (not J, just the sex part) I get to turn the thinking analyzing part of my mind off and just be for a while. I can't be with J if he's busy, I am too self-concious/shy to go dancing by myself, and since I'm depressed I rarely take the initative to exercize outside of my classes. Though I wish I had brought my gym bag with me today at least then I could go running after work instead of going home and having to deal with family.

I'm beginning to resent my mother's husband more and more each day. His response to me complaining about my job (which he never said directly to me...no he would never be so straight forward as to actually say anything about me to my face) was that I was being imature. That I needed to realize that I will always face difficult situations and have to deal with difficult people and that I'm going to have to grow up and deal. That my reasoning was convoluted and why am I bothering to look for another job? Temporary, old man, my current job is temporary! with no health benefits. You may not care to ever go to the doctor, because you know that you're weak and wrinkly ass is falling apart, but I on the otherhand am young and healthy and would like to stay that way. I also like my teeth, and my eyesight and would periodically like to have those both checked out by (gasp!) a doctor!

I got into a chat argument with the X. He doesn't like the area of town that I am looking for an apartment in. It's not safe he says. I know plenty of people who live around there and they're fine. So he says we aren't communicating effectively and signs off. What a dip-shit. He has this totally unreasonable fear of certain areas of town, mostly places that I've lived. I wish he'd go back to hicksville where he's obviously more comfortable. I wish he'd stop making demands on my time and energy. I wish I could stop falling back to asking him for help or support because it's just sending him mixed messages. I wish I wasn't so damn weak.

I wish I could go to sleep for three days and wake up with a huge shot of endorphin to make me happy. Well rested and happy. Instead of being angry with everyone and anything that has a notion to not agree with me.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

what happened to no waiting?

Because here I am, waiting for J to call me.

Ran into him at the gym before weight training. He said he might come back for us to dance, so I said "call me if you make it." Class ended 15 mintues ago, he knew this. No call. So he must not have made it back.

Sigh.

But still I'm waiting just in case. It's either that or walking back to my car very very slowly. Instead I write a rambling blog that makes no sense.

On a different note I've been apartment hunting and it's going very badly. I hate it. The nice places are too expensive for me and the places that I can afford are gross, small, old, dusty and creaky. Maybe I should just suck it up and stay with the parents.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

New way

So I went home after having an appointment to see an apartment. Which was kind of old and small, but not as old and small as I was expecting. A little more expensive than I would have like considering how old and small it is, but I'm going to look at another today.

I ended up having some whole weat pasta, another cookie, some tortilla chips, and water all between 8:30 and 9:30pm. I was a little suprised to see that I was back to goal weight -2. Of course I have a new goal weight which is the old goal weight -7. This puts me just under the middle of normal weight on a chart for my height. I think that is a fair enough goal and will put me back into the clothes (like my interview suit!) that I bought while I was doing the dance classes numerous times a week.

So I've determined this. No more restricting during the day. and instead of being OCD on my calories and fat grams, I'm going to follow a pyramid guide where by I try to eat 6 whole grains, 2 fruits, 3-5 vegs, 2 proteins, 2 dairies, and limit my fats. I'm going to make a little chart every day and mark off what I have. That way I've got some control, but I'm not obsessing about numbers. I'm going to use the tuesday/thursday evenings when I used to dance to run for 20 minutes, go to weight training on monday/wednesday, throw in an exercize video on friday or sunday, and continue my saturday dance class. Once I get to my NGW I think I'll be able to add a few more grains and an extra fruit into my chart provided I don't slow down the exercize.

With that in mind today, I had a bigger breakfast. Half of my usual ceral and soy milk, plus veggie sausage and toast. It's been a couple of hours and I'm going to break into an orange. I'll have a salad and some whole wheat pasta for lunch. Another fruit for a snack after that, and I haven't figured out dinner yet, maybe a PB&J. Something small. Then I can hopefully not want to devour my entire kitchen when I get home.

The hard part is that I don't do the food shopping. One of the reason I need to get out! I would never buy two 24-count boxes of bakery cookies (huge, gianormous, bigger-than-your-grandma-makes cookies) or a 24 count tray of bigger-than-Starbucks' double chocolate muffins. One muffin is about 450 calories. I shudder to think the fat in it. And when faced with so many of them it's easy to eat one every day, or two every day. If I had my way I'd only buy that kind of think when I really wanted it. I'd go to Mrs. Feild's and buy A cookie, or I'd go to Starbucks, or where-ever, and buy A muffin, not 48 of them! My other way of getting around them is not to bring them with me during the day. My mom usually wraps one or more up for me to put in my lunch. Today I put them back.

The other thing I'm going to add to my chart is a spot for water. I don't drink nearly enough water. It's always diet soda. Because it's sweet, zero calories, and caffinated. During the spring I did well limiting myself to soda just on the weekends. So I am going to go back to that. Two sodas a week--one on saturday and one on sunday. And one day a week I'll let myself have something I've been craving like fries, or ice-cream.

I think this is all do-able and not too drastic. It's just a matter of being obsessive about health.

On a totally unrelated topic:

J has not called in over a week. He honked at me as he was driving by and I was walking to work last friday, but nothing else. I am a little worried he thinks I'm unhappy with the whole back-seat-sex thing. I mentioned being mad that my parents weren't leaving on their regular two month summer vacation. I didn't say that it was because I wanted the house free so we could have an actual bed for a change, but it did come on the heels of some bss. But then maybe I'm just thinking too much. I'm fairly sure that guys do not analyze or read-into every word as much as I do. Hopefully he's just busy. I'd rather have back-seat-sex with J than no sex.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Feeling a little light headed

Round about when I met J and started his dance classes I stopped being obsessive about my food. I replaced dinner with going to his class or going to the gym, but during the day I pretty much ate whatever I want. It is to the piont where yesterday I ate breakfast, 2 cookies, went out to eat and had an appetizer, my dinner and a glass of wine, then got home and ate another cookie. During the dance classes I was my goal weight -6. Which was -4 from where I had been holding for 2 months. That's when I stopped writing all my foods, calories and fat grams down and how much my exercize was burning.

For some reason in the last few days I've started panicing about my weight and food. Last night I got really ill after eating the 3rd cookie and threw up. This morning I was my goal weight +1.25 which freaked me out.

Today I went on a fruit and juice fast. Needless to say I didn't make it. I ended up eating a cookie and a rice cake. I got up and walked around outside in the blazing heat and sun which made me feel so much better. I've also determined to go home and eat a veggie fajita.

I can't figure out how I managed durng the winter when I was obsessive that I restricted myself to 700-800 calories and exercized everday. Part of me is glad that I don't do that because I must be feeling better about myself, but another part of me is sad that my will power is gone. The sad me would never have eaten 3 cookies in one day. She would have gone without, or grabbed a handful of carrots or cherry tomatoes. So maybe I'm not as happy with myself as I'd like to be.

Physically I look great. I'm not a stick, I'm not bony, I've still got some curves, just smaller ones. I'm even developing some muscle tone. I get on the scale and I try to remember that muscle weighs more than fat. If I want the nice cuts in my shoulder and arm muscles I've got to be willing to build some muscles. I just wish I could do it and keep the number on the scale low. I know it should be enough for me that my clothes are a small size, but even that is not enough.

Yet, I don't want to be a size 0. I don't want people to think I look scary and I don't want people to tell me that I need to eat.

I think I need to stop being so extreme and just start being healthy. Sounds hard.

Digging myself deeper

Went out with the X yesterday.

We went shopping, to dinner, and bowling. It seemed fine and friendly until the bowling when he wanted a kiss for every strike or spare.

It was easier to give him a few pecks than explain that I was uncomfortable with it. He seems to think that we can act like we're together without being together.

My problem is that I hate confrontation. I don't want to hurt his feelings either. But now he wants to go camping over a weekend. He asked if I wanted to share his sleeping bag and seemed offended when I said no. I need to call him and tell him that we can't do this. If I were in a tent with him he'd so try to get it on with me. And then we'd be all akward when I wouldn't do it.

I also feel really bad because I'm not attracted to him anymore. I mean, when I've got J who turns me on just being near me, I find it hard to look at anyone else and say "yeah, they're attractive" because I don't feel that way.

I know that I should not be afraid of putting my foot down and saying that the X and I can be friends only. He broke up with me 7ish months ago, why should I feel bad? But the thought that he would not want to even be my friend once the hope of being me his girlfriend is gone is what stops me from doing it. I know it shouldn't. I got along with no contact for 5 months before he came crawling back. I could do it again.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Just friends must still flirt

L called me while I was at work today. We went out to lunch.

Still with the flirting. It's not that I don't like being told that I'm cute, or that I look nice in what I wear. But I never know what to do when I get comments like that. Or when he says that he finds a particular kind of clothing sexy on a woman, and then says that I would look good in it and wear it the next time we go out. (Insert picture of me with wide WTF? eyes)

But then we also had a conversation about how he hasn't had a girlfriend in a long time and that he's got this no dating rule (which means we're not--picture me relieved), but that he's afraid that maybe the part of him that would care for someone else will atrophy if he doesn't date. Which is a fair enough fear, I just told him to give it time.

Personally I like being single right now and I wish I could have said as much, but he talks way too much for me to get more than 3 words in at a time.

So we're not dating, but he can joke about putting out because I picked up lunch (I owed him for lunch a couple of weeks ago). As long as I don't have to joke back...I'm fine with that.

And I guess he didn't notice any weird behavior between me and J the other day. Good.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I think I'm sick... in the head

Day 3 and no word from L.

I think I just want him to want me.

That's pretty aweful and selfish.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Dancing Queen

Thursday was weird. Really really weird. First off, I had dinner at L's house. He kind of boiled some stuff and that was it. But he put out placemats which is something I supppose. The weird comes in, because I'm fairly sure he was flirting with me. He talked about liking thong underwear on women, and then there was this after I said I'd have to leave soon.

Me: Well, what do you want to do for the next 1/2 hour?
L: I'd like you to pick something.
Me: But I don't know what can be done in your town for half an hour that's worth doing.
L: Oh, that makes me feel real good about myself.

Looking back on it now, maybe he thought I was being flirtatious with that comment, but I was being literal. Which I tried to point out by saying that I was unfamiliar with his part of town and if he knows it well then he should decide. I was not trying to make innuendos.

We ended up back at his place playing ping-pong. And it gets weirder. First off I was wearing a skirt that hits my knees and a t-shirt that covers me to my collar bone. Sure, I had to bend over to pick up the ball, but I wasn't bending my ass in his direction and there is no way without Superman's x-ray vision that he could have been looking down my shirt. So why then did he have to take a break from ping-pong and lean over as if to catch his breath? Yeah, I recognize that move, it's the please-don't-let-her-see-the-pop-tent move.
J pulled that move too before our first ever make out session. L didn't try anything though. He killed me pretty quickly in ping-pong and practically threw me out of his house. But not before asking me to dinner before a dance on Sunday since we were both going we could go together. Because of my no waiting resolution, even though I was hoping to get J to go dancing with me, I said yes. Turns out, the World Cup final rained on our dinner plans...which was good actually. L's declaration of not dating made me feel comfortable with him because we were in the safe "Friend Zone." His flirting though, totally throwing me for a loop.

Since I had missed meeting up with J on Thursday to have dinner with L, I called him that night. I felt better getting his voicemail. I actually asked if he would want to get together for dancing over the weekend. I didn't hear from him all of Friday and took it as the blow off sign because I had asked for more than just a hook-up. But I got a message on Saturday morning saying he was unavailable this weekend, but that we could get together during the week if my work schedule allowed. This I knew was the answer "No, I don't want to dance. Let's just fuck."
So since he took a day to call me I decided to do the same. I figured on Sunday I'd call him and let him know what I was up to for the week, and it wouldn't matter since he was "unavailable" for the weekend. Color me suprised then when Saturday night I get a phone call from J asking me what I'm doing on Sunday.
I told him the truth, erands and then I'm going dancing. I figured he'd say he had to work, and I knew L would be at the dance, so I wasn't bothered.
So, I got another suprise when he tells me that he thinks he can go too and he'll call me on Sunday to let me know.

huh? what happened to not being available? (I guess plans can change...look at dinner plans vs. World Cup) and just when I was about to write him off as only wanting to ever have sex.

So J decided to meet me at the dance early, and I told L that I would see him there. I was expecting akwardness, major akwardness. Turns out the only akwardness was what I felt not knowing how much time to spend around J...were we there "together?" or what?

I get there and J was in the lesson so I joined in with someone else. When the dance started we danced one and then sat down, which is when L and a friend of his came over the boys introduced themselves, I didn't say anything and L asked me to dance. So I did. Yet another flirty conversation ensued:

Me: I'm afraid I'm not going to remember anything it's been so long since I danced.
L: What you don't go 3 times a week like me? (he was teasing not chiding)
Me: No, not since I had my lessons.
L: Well how about I give you a lesson and you cook dinner for me?
Me: Sure, 'cuz that's a fair trade.


Flirty conversation #2 during a different dance after he spun me quite a bit:

L: What are you thinking?
Me: That after this I'm going put shorts on under my skirt, I think it's coming up to high on the turns. (I was wearing boy short underwear, but still felt uncomfortable)
L: And I'm just finding this out. You probably wouldn't want me to do this (drops down and pushes my legs to get me to spin very fast)
Me: Yeah, I'm sure all the by-standers loved it.


I went and put shorts on right after that. It didn't stop him from pulling that move again later.

I had a great time, danced until my feet hurt and left early with J for some other dancing. We went out seperate doors because I had left some stuff, but I know that L's friend didn't dance the whole night, and I wonder if he noticed how much time I spent with J. I speculate on this matter because after the flirty flirty I've heard nothing from L. I thought that he'd maybe email me or something. Either that or maybe he noticed that I was uncomfortable with his behavior.

It isn't that I don't like L. I like him very much, but I'm not ready to try anything romantic right now and I'm not ready to give up J by any means. If I get involved in a relationship I'd have to. Ideally I'd like this thing with to go until it fizzles on it's own. I don't want to have to start either, being unavailable until he stops trying, or actually say "hey I've met somebody else we can't do this anymore." I'm really bad at the latter. I was able to tell the X I didn't want to have sex, but I've not mentioned the fact that I'm "dating" anyone else. The X even said that he didn't want to stop me from dating other guys, but I'm fairly sure he doesn't want to hear about it. I'm going to take a wild guess and say no man does.

Next week the X is going to take me computer shopping. I'm dreading the inevitable...he always tries to kiss me when we go out. Well, it's been awhile since we have, but he always did. And frankly, I am just done kissing him.

Monday, July 10, 2006

In the bedroom





You’re a Bad-Girl Babe
Even if you seem like the kind of babe who could easily be brought home to mother, your bedroom style suggests that between the sheets you’re just as naughty as you are nice. Not that there’s anything wrong with that—guests who are privy to your adult play surely have an inkling of what’s in store. But they are still likely to be surprised by your racy and raucous bedroom ways. And no doubt that’s just the way you like it.
I had to redo this quiz, I tried to fix the weird table, but my html skills are lacking and it when wacky on me. But if you want to take the quiz, just click on the picture, it's link to the quiz and a bunch others at http://glam.com

Are you a Rebel or a Redcoat?


I'm a Knickers Redcoat



You're a Knickers Redcoat!


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Take the quiz now!


Thursday, July 06, 2006

And then there are the days

I wish I had less free time to think.

What if...I had waited to see if I ran into J today? Then I would have gotten his call, been free this evening, and we could have made plans to be gettin' it on later. He's got me all hot and bothered now, and I'm mad at myself.

What if...I had put L off until tomorrow? I'd have gotten some today, but it wouldn't be dancing. It still might not be dancing. But at least the way I've done it now I have the possibility of both getting some and getting to dance at a later date.

I was about to write this (my 3rd blog today...I wish the day were over already!) as a sometimes waiting can be good....no. I might be antsy to get back to J, but with any luck so is he. And the sense of anticipation is kinda fun. I think I can safely call J tonight without fear of being pathetic and say...hey I'm free Friday night, lets dance already.

Whoo hoo! Mid-year resolution #1 might not be a total loss after all.

(I think I have to cut back on the mid day caffeine break).

Oh and now I feel bad.

J called me back....

Dropped his phone in a little water and has been waiting all week for it to dry out and be usable again. I really don't know if I should believe him or not. It seemed like he might ask me for lunch, but I had already eaten and he came inside and said hello too. He said he didn't know how to get ahold of me without his cell phone because it has all his phone numbers, and that he considered trying to run into me at the gym or the library.

I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I do actually know that cell phones will work after being in water (just water, doesn't work if you spill coffee, soda, etc on it) if you get them to dry out.

But I'm still a chicken. There he was, right there. He asked when I got off of work, and I said when, but that I was busy after. He said we'd have to get together another time. How easy would it have been to mention dancing? So easy. But my heart was beating so fast, and my legs were going to jelly. I very nearly pounced on him right there in the lobby. I just got a shiver thinking about it.....I've got to run my wrists under cold water to calm down.

Do I have the words "I'm an Idiot" tattooed on my forehead?

Dropped his phone in water.

Dear J,

Really? Then how'd you leave me a voice mail? huh?

Personally I like the part where, when I walk out of my building to get service to call you back, you're sitting there talking on a cell phone, but I don't say hi, 'cuz you're on the phone, so you get up and walk away.

But the best, really, has to be when I do actually call you back and your voicemail message says your phone is water damaged. Nice touch. Way to look authentic. Is there any chance what-so-ever, that when I saw you on your phone a minute ago, you were in fact changing your out going message.

Mid-year resolutions don't work

Well, I've got the waiting down by 50%.

Proof on Not waiting:
I'm going out with L this evening instead of waiting to see if I have my usual (count them: two) Thursday run-ins with J. I could have said no and suggested we do something tomorrow, knowing that the past 2 Thursdays I have run into J. But, I'm going out during the day on a work thing, so I didn't want to go out tomorrow. So, no waiting. Yes to L. and a "sorry I'm running out to dinner with my friend" to J.

Proof of waiting:
The X wants to take me shopping for gadgets that I think I need. He suggested tomorrow. I suggested next weekend. Why? I am really hoping to run into J and ask him to go dancing. The problem with this is many-fold. A) I have no guarantee that I'll run into J. B) I have no guarantee that I won't chicken out, like I did last night when I planned on calling J and suggesting the above (which means I didn't fulfil my other mid-year resolution). C) I have no guarantee that he'll want or be able to go out dancing tomorrow.

This is what I have:
1) A really hot guy who I am insanely attracted to who, so far, seldom calls when he says he will, and seems only interested in my body.

2) A really nice guy who is interested in seeing me all the time, but says we're "just hanging out."

3) A guy who rejected me once, but now wants to take me out spend money on me and is interested in my mind and my body.

This is what I want:
Numbers 1, 2, and 3 to all be the same freaking person!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I wish I had a snappy title.

No phone call from J over the holiday.

L did call and invited me out for the 4th. It was with other people, but that's more than I can say for anyone else in my life. I missed getting to dance with him because I didn't hear my phone ring, but we did meet up for a bit.

I'm not 100% sure that I'm going to end up living up to my resolutions.

I am feeling insanely insecure right now.

I hate living with my parents. I'm too old for that shit. I'm too old to be treated like a teenager (they don't need to know that I act like a teenager when they're not looking). I'm too old to be lying to them about what I do with myself and where I am. But I'm too afraid of tarnishing myself in their eyes to be truthful. I am sick of hearing them talk about me because they think their voices don't travel. I am sick of having my mother tell me one day that I look great and in shape like a dancer when we're shopping, and then tell me that if I don't eat dinner I'm going to be anorexic, or grab my waist and tell me that I'm disappearing. I hate that I can't come home late and not eat if I don't fucking feel like it, because I don't want to hear a litany of "you're going to get an eating disorder" from my mother. So I do eat...despite my cut off time for food being 8pm, I eat, just to make her happy and then I feel miserable.

A friend just got her own apartment and I'm jealous. I want to move out. I am fairly sure that I could afford it, even though I don't make quite the same amount of $$ as my friend (pretty close though) and I know I have more saved up than other people I know. I'm not broke. But right now I don't pay rent, I don't buy my own food except for little things and nights out. I do pay for my car and my medical and my fitness stuff. Maybe I'd have to be more frugal about some things, but I know I could afford it. And I think I might be happier in the long run. The only snag is that I'm still looking for a full-time job and that might take me out of the area.

I am unsure about everything in my life right now.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Diversionary techniques

Thursday I ran into J. This is why I don't get the promised phone call.
I can remember laying eyes on this guy once before deciding to take his dance class. And now I see him a couple three times a week since it's over. Maybe it's because I know and recognize him now, but it's a little weird.

He was in a bit of hurry to get on with his holiday weekend. Which I could understand if I ever had weekend plans. He really wanted to beat traffic, so our trist was short and sweet. I recieved yet another "I'll call you." He seemed to genuinely think about when he might be able to get around to calling me instead of giving the ever vague "soon" time frame.

My resolution is to ask him out. Out, out. Not a hook-up, although if that comes after the going out, that's fine, but something resembling a date.

I don't live in a hollywood movie where people start a sexual relationship or a fling and end up falling madly in love. I don't honestly believe that a real romantic/ emotional relationship will blossom from this. Maybe if I had held out, not let my body rule my brain, and gotten him to date me a bit first, (though, maybe not even then...not every date becomes a boyfriend) but now I just don't see it ever happening.

I just miss dancing with him. I miss dancing, period.

On Saturday I hung out with L. For practically the whole day. We did the rock climbing thing that I had turned down a couple weeks before. With J out of town there was no need to worry about running into him while with another guy. (Although I am beginning to think that a little bit of competition might be good for J, I'm just not sure I'm ready to test that theory yet.) We then proceeded to hang out for another 5 hours or so. We ate, we watched tv and a movie. We went for ice cream and played mini-golf. We basically crammed what could have been at least 3 dates into one day.

It struck me at one point that L could be boyfriend material. I'm still haunted by the "I'm not really dating right now" comment that he made when I first met him. I've done the waiting thing before. I went out with some guy for about 8 months, well I thought I was going out with him, turned out he didn't think that. I got an email one day after I invited him out that he couldn't he was going out of town to meet his girlfriend's family. He was single when I met him. So some where along the way in that 8 months he was dating others and settled on one of them. In that 8 months, I was not dating anyone else. I worked my life around so that I could be free when I thought he would be so that I would always be available.

Resolution number 2. I'm not waiting for L to be in the dating mood.
 
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