I'm a coward, weak, and immature

I was so excited to have some space to myself that I was determined to call J and invite him over. But I got so scared and nervous for no particular reason. As if he won't want me if I admit to him that I want to see him not just when he wants to see me. I've got this paranoia of "chasing" guys I like. That if I do it, by calling them, by asking them out, anything that makes me feel like I'm not letting them pursue me, but am coming to them, that I will some how turn them off.

I guess because about 3 years ago I liked this guy so much, I call him the JackAss now, that I did all the asking out, all the calling after the first few weeks. I didn't think anything of it. I rearranged my weekend schedules to open so that I could go out with him if the opportunity came up. I wasted 75% of my weekends that way. And I traveled an hour to and from his neck of the woods to do it. Nothing progressed beyond just friendly hanging out. He never made a move on me, never kissed me, never held my hand, never flirted and after 7 months of this non-sense I got an email from him. I had called him a couple of times right before and he had been busy each time. His email was a thanks for the invites, but he had been doing xyz whatever. The kicker came when he said he'd be busy the next weekend too because his "girl's" brother was getting married and that ment days and days of stuff to do, but that he was really excited about it. I was at work when I got that email and I had to go into the bathroom to cry. No wonder he'd never tried anything with me, he had a girlfriend. He was single when I met him, just out of a relationship which is why it hurt that much more.

From then on I vowed not to "chase" anyone. Because I never spoke to the JackAss again. Well, we said hi at a mutual friend's wedding, and luckily I had the X with me then, so I was feeling pretty good. But it was amazing how, he also never called or emailed or anything. If a guy wants me he'll make an effort, that's my reasoning.

But with J I figured, what does it hurt? We're only having sex and meeting up to dance everyonce in a while. But still I chickened out Friday. The whole reason I didn't go with the X, I wanted a weekend in bed with J. I finally called him after I had a glass of wine and was relaxing in a bath Saturday evening, only to get his voicemail. Maybe I should have said I had the house to myself and was relaxing in the bath. Maybe that would have gotten his attention. Because as of 3 hours ago he still hadn't called.

Now I won't even look at my phone. I plan on making him wait too. I'm supposed to go to a party with L anyway. So I'm ignoring him. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.