Feeling a little light headed

Round about when I met J and started his dance classes I stopped being obsessive about my food. I replaced dinner with going to his class or going to the gym, but during the day I pretty much ate whatever I want. It is to the piont where yesterday I ate breakfast, 2 cookies, went out to eat and had an appetizer, my dinner and a glass of wine, then got home and ate another cookie. During the dance classes I was my goal weight -6. Which was -4 from where I had been holding for 2 months. That's when I stopped writing all my foods, calories and fat grams down and how much my exercize was burning.

For some reason in the last few days I've started panicing about my weight and food. Last night I got really ill after eating the 3rd cookie and threw up. This morning I was my goal weight +1.25 which freaked me out.

Today I went on a fruit and juice fast. Needless to say I didn't make it. I ended up eating a cookie and a rice cake. I got up and walked around outside in the blazing heat and sun which made me feel so much better. I've also determined to go home and eat a veggie fajita.

I can't figure out how I managed durng the winter when I was obsessive that I restricted myself to 700-800 calories and exercized everday. Part of me is glad that I don't do that because I must be feeling better about myself, but another part of me is sad that my will power is gone. The sad me would never have eaten 3 cookies in one day. She would have gone without, or grabbed a handful of carrots or cherry tomatoes. So maybe I'm not as happy with myself as I'd like to be.

Physically I look great. I'm not a stick, I'm not bony, I've still got some curves, just smaller ones. I'm even developing some muscle tone. I get on the scale and I try to remember that muscle weighs more than fat. If I want the nice cuts in my shoulder and arm muscles I've got to be willing to build some muscles. I just wish I could do it and keep the number on the scale low. I know it should be enough for me that my clothes are a small size, but even that is not enough.

Yet, I don't want to be a size 0. I don't want people to think I look scary and I don't want people to tell me that I need to eat.

I think I need to stop being so extreme and just start being healthy. Sounds hard.