The Rollercoaster

The one good thing that came out of the drama with the X is that when he emailed me back he says that he as gotten over wanting us to be together. He admits that there is nothing past our interests, no magnetism or spark between us. He had slowed down his "wooing" because he had doubts even when he was determined to get me back.

So maybe this is a step in the right direction. Maybe when he stops being mad at me about this one thing, he and I can actually be friends.

But it made me feel bad again, because he claims to have made sleeping arrangements to accomodate me being uncofortable because he knew I would be. And apparently it's just one more summer plan that has gone down the crapper for him. I know I can't help it if any of his other plans, but I feel bad for being one more reason he thinks he's having a bad summer. At the same time, I know he told me these things to make me feel guilty. I know this because I am the Princess of Guilt Trips (my mother is the Queen...I learned it from her, and her from her mom, it's like a real legacy), Martyrdom, and Passive Agression.

I got offered a phone interview today. It's for a position out of state. It could start as soon as September or as late as next year, it's hard to say and they haven't given me any indication. They've had my resume for 3 months, so I am hoping that the interview process also takes some time because I don't want to have to move out of state with less than a month's notice and I don't see how they can expect someone to do that.

The other reason I want it to be farther away is J. He asked if I will be his partner for the dance lessons when they start back up. Especially for the advanced class. It makes me giddy. I realize it's as much because he likes me as that my dancing skills are up to par. Right now I'm working on findng some new music and some videos of new moves we can try in class. I can't wait to get the house cleaned up a bit so that I can have him over.

L also called and wants to take me to a party. I think he's starting to get into "date" mode. He doesn't want to go to the party by himself, even though it's a friend of his giving it. I'm kind of glad I got this interview so that I can tell him about it and discuss the fact that, yes, I am probably moving out of state at some point. He has settled here, so I want him to know that we are not going to be more than friends.

Odd, I'm only having sex with J and I don't want him to know this stuff on the off chance I hurt his feelings. Maybe because he's a little younger than me? Or because I'll probably miss him the most when I leave someday.