Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Perspective

It's not that big a deal.

This stuff happens. Nothing was written in stone. We'll meet up some time later in the week. And now my evening is free to work on my own projects.

Namely cleaning the horrendous pile of squalor I call my room.

No Joy

I don't even get to find out now how he would have reacted. J just left me a message and canceled. Said he was really tired, practically falling asleep and that he'd call me maybe tomorrow or Thursday, that hopefully I'd be around Thursday, if not then maybe Friday or the weekend. *sigh* Either I'm getting blown off or I might actually get to see him on the weekend.

I'll believe it when it happens. For all I know he'll end up working and will be too tired. Again.

Well, well, well...it's a hole in the ground.

J, besides having been my dance instructor also refs for an intermural team I play on. For the past 6 or 7 weeks he has not been reffing my games since we use two fields to accomodate all the teams.

Last night was an important game, the first in our "playoffs." Okay, so every team made some form of the "playoffs" depending on how good or bad they did they'd make it into one of the tournament brackets. We just squeaked into the higher bracket. First of all half of our team couldn't make it. Our captain was injured and in order to get the field covered people were playing out of position. We put forth a fairly decent showing, but in the end we lost.

I am by no means an athlete. I'll give most things a go once...I've played almost every sport imaginable at one time or another, I've tried all sorts of different dance styles, and taken up (and then put down) a handful of instruments. As it is I have a ton of interests, but don't excell at any one thing in particular. I'm okay with that.

Except when it comes to choking in front of J. The game before last I was doing really well, considering my lack of skill. This game though, I might as well have stayed home (except then we would have forfeited). I'm not gonna say that J made me choke. But it didn't help that I got so nervous because I knew where he was at all times and that he was so freaking close to me the whole game.

On the plus side he said he'd call me when he gets off of work today. On the con side why is it that I have to run into him in order to get him to call me or talk to me? Not that he wasn't nice. He's always nice and chatty and asking me how I am. He also has this habit of always mentioning how tired he is every time I see him now. The guy is busy, I get that. He works a 9-5 day four times a week and two other jobs on his three day weekends. So maybe I'm being hard on him, but surely if he's interested he wouldn't be that tired all the time.

Little does he know that we're not going to hook-up this time. Not because I wouldn't be willing to, he is way to attractive for me to say no to. But I have strict rules about sex during that time of the month. I figure if I think it's fairly gross so must the majority of guys. If it were a matter of one of us leaving the country tomorrow, yeah I might unplug and go with it, but that is certainly not the case.

The million dollar questions: 1) do I let him know when he calls..."BTW, I'm on and you're not getting any, still want to see me?" (all be it a little more wordy than that)...but then it's like a test...does he like me enough to just hang out or maybe dance instead of f*cking.
or 2) wait until he picks me up to tell him...which cold be more or less akward than hearing it over the phone, but also reassuring that nothing came of our last encounters (I never trust 1 type of contraceptive alone). So maybe he'll appreciate being told in person. I hate to be the kind of girl who tests a guy...but I want to wrap my head around this. If this is going to be just a sexual relationship, then fine, I just want to know for sure. (Right, it's been a week and half and I'm wanting assurances from a guy who has no place to take me but his backseat!! Crazy crazy girl).

In the mean time L has come around again...maybe saying no didn't hurt his feelings as much as I thought it did. We are supposed to "grab a bite" tomorrow. This one is just friends material, but at least it's somebody to occupy my time with some activities that aren't innapropriate back of the car sex.

The X had a vacation from work and called to tell me how bored he was and if I wasn't doing anything maybe we could go bowling. I wasn't doing anything, but I didn't go bowling. He has also offered to help me buy a computer. He's an enormous geek so his input would be really helpful. I just feel so guilty about using him. I'd like to be just friends with him, but I know he's hoping for more (well he was before anyhow). And now that I've hooked up with J there is no way I can go back. X has a very low opinion of girls that "sleep around." I may be single and therefore under no obligation to keep my pants on for him, but I know him too well to think that if he found out he'd be remotely okay with it.

Monday, June 26, 2006

I thought better about it.

I just deleted a previous blog in which I detailed about some of my old lovers and my current situation with J. Frankly, I don't want to get flagged. The whole idea was that I wanted somebody to stumble on my blog and commiserate with me. Like the one person who commented to reasure me that I'm not a whore (thanks again by the way, but I'm beginning to think you're wrong). If I get flagged for talking details then I've defeated my own purpose.

A watered down version of what I had wanted to say...well, maybe not watered down, but more emotional and less physically oriented, and that might be better in the long run.

J has not taken me out. In fact I haven't heard from or seen him in a few days. It honestly didn't occur to me that he might turn out to be that guy. You know, that guy you sleep with and never calls you again. Well, I did sleep with him, and he did call me, he even called me when he said he would. So I slept with him again, and I got a less specific "I'll call you soon." But that was almost a week ago. I did see him breifly about 5 days ago and he did kiss me, but still no phone call.

I realize that I want more than just sex. I actually like him and I'm settling for the physical. In theory I don't have problems with the just physical relationship. It works for some people. The fact that I am insanely attracted to J doesn't help. It is like my body just takes over I can't even really explain it, I just have to think about him, or be near him, he doesn't even have to touch me before I am completely turned on by him. He's made comments along the lines of "next time" and "if we keep doing this" which lead me to believe he wants to keep doing it, so then why haven't I heard from him? My mind races to ideas about him having other girls or not being as attracted to me as I am to him and therefore he just doesn't want to see me as often as I want to see him.

I am afraid to ask for more than just sex and I am afraid to call him for fear of losing what little attention I do get from him. Stupid I know. Selling myself short I know. And yet I can't help it. I don't want this for myself, but I want him so badly.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Who is this person?

Last week was my date with L and my last dance lesson with J and my lunch with the X.

The X had made a big deal about wanting to ask me something that couldn't be done on the phone. I was expecting the worst. A proposal, or at least a desperate plea for me to commit to him. It was neither of those. He wants to take me out somewhere really fancy where we have to dress up and stuff. He even offered to take me out and buy me a dress. I told him I have plenty of nice dresses and no he couldn't buy me one, but yes I was willing to go out with him somewhere fancy. This was all before what happened in the rest of the blog (keep reading). But he hasn't emailed, called or updated me on when this fancy date might occur. Infact he's bordering on ignoring me. Which means maybe someone clued him in to the fact that I'll never be his girlfriend again.

The date was okay. I met him at coffee shop and then we went to the club. We didn't dance as much as I would have liked because L seemed more interested in talking so we ended up leaving and hanging out in an empty restaurant chatting. He didn't pay for me. We split everything, which holds with the whole "hanging out" and "not dating right now" thing. But on Friday he called and asked me out rock-climbing. He actually seemed disapointed when I said no. It's not that I don't want to see him, but he wanted to go to the rockwall at my gym, where J works. No way was I gonna have that happen. Even if he doesn't call me back, I'll be okay with that. Because.....

My last dance class was the evening after the "date" and I really wanted to give J my number. I was kind of nervous going to the class, but dancing quickly loosened me up. We flirted a little more than usual in class that night (normally the real flirting happened outside of class when I would stay to practice) I was sure that the others could tell. I stayed after class and while we were chattingl J said that when the classes started again I should bring my boyfriend with me. I assured him that there was no boyfriend and that's when I realized that I wasn't going to have to offer my number to him. While we were dancing he dipped me and when I came back up he planted a kiss on me. It was really great...just enough tongue and bit of lip nibbling. From there we danced more, but after another dip and kiss we ended up making out...serious heavy making out for like 20 minutes. If we hadn't have been in semi-public I think things could have gone alot farther than they did.

As it was I met up with him on Saturday morning. I thought we were going to dance, but instead we ended up in the back of his car. I had every intention of not doing it in his car. But the man makes me so horny. Just thinking about him turns me on. And one thing led to another so that we ended up doing it in his car. This is not something I have ever done before. Especially when the guy hasn't even gone out with me. Granted, we've known each other for a little over a month from dancing, but even so...dinner would be nice first. The crazy thing is that though I can see the crazy in my actions...sex in the back of a car in broad daylight...and though I am seriously wondering who this person is that I've suddenly become...I'm not at all sorry that I did it.

I was a little afraid this was going to be one of those instances of a guy getting what he wants and then dropping off the face of the earth. But he's actually called me a few times since then and we are supposed to get together tonight. What will happen this time I don't know. It would be nice to actually go out on a real date, but I'm not going to complain about getting it on again, I just hope can manage to make it to somone's place this time.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

It's Raining Men

But I'm not so Hallelujah about it.

I've been out with my X a few times since I put my foot down about not sleeping with him. He has said in no uncertain terms that he wants to be back with me. He also claimed to understand my trepidation in doing that especially since I have no full time job and am looking for work anywhere I can get it, even out of the state. However, this hasn't stopped him from pressuring me to be exclusive and start sleeping with him again. It's getting kind of old. I feel really guilty for even going out with him since I have no intentions of ever sleeping with him again, nor getting back together. He wants to meet up and talk about some things with me in person this week. Tomorrow. I am really nervous. I think he's going to make me decide and I don't think he'll like what my decision is.

I started dance classes at my gym about a month ago. I plucked up my courage and just started going by myself with out a partner because I really wanted to learn, it's a great work out, and I met the instructor (J) the week earlier. HOT. That's all I can say about him. He is seriously hot and he makes me so hot when I'm dancing with him (the upside to attending without a partner is that I get to dance with the instructor more). I am dying for him to ask me out. This isn't a studio atmosphere so I don't think that there is a problem with the whole instructor/student dynamic, but I am getting worried that I'm down to the last 2 classes for the summer (none in July or August) and all he's done is some mild flirting. I don't even know how seriously I can take that either. He's Latino and he dances...flirting might just be second nature. But on the other hand there have been other little clues that lead me to believe he might at least ask me for my number. Regardless, I want him bad and I've come to the decision that if necessary I will be bold and offer him my number at the end of the last class. If he doesn't want it or doesn't use it then I've really lost nothing. I rarely see him outside of class so I won't have to live with too much embarrassment.

Since I'd been taking these lessons I went to a social dance (not a club, I don't want to go there by myself) and met this guy, L. It was freaky-creepy how much stuff we had in common, right down to where we lived, and had never met before. He gave me his number and we've talked. He's taking me out dancing to a club this week between my lessons. He's cute enough and very nice. We have been able to talk about alot since we have so much in common. The thing is that when we met and he asked if we could "hang out" sometime he said that he isn't "really dating right now." Huh? WTF does that mean?

I'm in a pickle about these two. I am insanely attracted to J, but he hasn't made much of a move. L has actually asked me out, but "isn't dating" and while he's cute, I didn't feel the spark of hotness that I get from J.

Other people date more than one person at a time. It happened to me once with a guy I was dating so it must happen. I've just never done it before and I'm not sure how to handle it. Obviously I don't want to blow it with either of them by mentioning the other guy, but I'm half afraid that I'll be out with one dancing and the other will show up to the place.

I suppose it's too soon to get really worked up about it. Nothing may happen with J in which case I'm free to have as much fun as I want with L. Or maybe L will want to be "just friends" and I can pursue J romantically (physically) to my heart's content. Only time will tell I guess.
 
Free Website templateswww.seodesign.usFree Flash TemplatesRiad In FezFree joomla templatesAgence Web MarocMusic Videos OnlineFree Wordpress Themeswww.freethemes4all.comFree Blog TemplatesLast NewsFree CMS TemplatesFree CSS TemplatesSoccer Videos OnlineFree Wordpress ThemesFree CSS Templates Dreamweaver