So much to blog so little time

I have thought of literally at least 5 blogs over the last few weeks. I just wish I had a minute (and a better internet connection) to get through one of them.

First off: Why oh, why am I putting myself through the ringer over J? still! I was going to write a blog two weeks ago about asking for what you want and how it's a good thing...yeah, not so much. Keeping my mouth shut now. Not saying anything. It only leads to embarassment and misery. That whole, you never know unless you try. Yes, yes I do know. J will turn me down when I invite him out, or over, or offer to help him out wiht something. But when he's ready it's all "I'll be over in 15 mintues." Of course that's a week after he says, "yeah, I'll stop by sometime soon." Maybe if I start avoiding him too he'll miraculously dissapear and I'll never have to think about him again.

Second off: At least three times in the past three weeks I've wanted to start a new blog entry with "I think I've made a mistake" or "I officially made a mistake." I mean really. What the fuck am I doing? I can't say that this job was a trade up from my last one. It's more work, the same type of half-assed training, and the delusional company that thinks I know what I'm doing. I want to cry when I think about the shear mountain of work I have to get done with no clue how to actually do it and no-one here willing to sit down and de-mystify my job for me. Include the fact that I some how got cast as an extrovert who llikes talking to people, young people, kids, parents what have you and now has to on a weekly basis. I don't like it. I don't like them. I want to shut myself away with a pile of books and dvds and only come out for dances and dance classes. I have started looking at job postings in other industries - again. It usually is good for a bit of a day dream pick me up before reality sets in. Oh, yeah, I can't move, I have lease. Which leads to...

Third off: What was I thinking moving here? I have 'larder beetles' under my sink. I found one when I left the cat food dish out. Ewww. At least I learned my lesson and I have never in my life been so glad that I'm a vegetarian. They prefer protein, unfortunatly pet food is their favorite. I am now going to have to be doubly responsible about doing the dishes immediately
. Oh, and did I mention the three days of no heat in my bedroom now that the temperatures have finally decided to resemble winter? Granted they fixed it fairly quickly - got me a new heating unit. But still. This would not have happened in my mother's house. Which of course brings me to my lovely $$$ situation. When the hell did electricity become so god-damn expensive and how can one person with only two rooms use so much of it!? I only have 4 lights! Use one burner maybe twice a week. Leave the heat off during the day when I'm not home and most of the night when I'm tucked in, 1 toster oven that is on for like 20 minutes a day on the weekend. WTF?! Why am I being shafted!?

Fourth off: Stupid J. He parks next to my building. Free sex, here with me, next to his parked car which he has to go to in order to get home....so where the F is he? Have I heard from him? No. But he does do stupid things like give my waist a little extra squeeze after showing a move in class. He's such a tease. I don't know why I put up with him. Yet again...what does this make the count 100? 1000?...I'm thinking of telling him no more. I'm heading for being hurt or a long duration of single-dom with the very rare pick-me-ups from J. He's helping me out in May though, and I still go to his class every two weeks...not that I need it really at this point, and it would be akward right now. I don't know if I can take this for 4 more months. And Valentines is in two weeks. I shouldn't be bothered with it. I've been alone for lots of V-days. I'm just driving myself crazy thinking about him and Valentines. Like who he's going to be with? Why oh why am I wasting my emotional energy on a guy who does NOT have feelings for me (none above the waist anyway)? Why am I such an idiot on this one? Why do I keep imagining that something is going to change?

Sick Again and other rambling ons

I had the hardest time sleeping last night. My cough is back. Not only did it keep me up, but if I moved at all I'd start coughing. I got thinking about the XX. I still have not written the letter of explination that I told him I was writing. And I was writing it, I wrote 3 or 4 versions at least. But none have gotten onto quality stationary or addressed themselves with an airmail stamp. I'm just so confused as to how much to "explain."

J came over last week and it was so very nice.

I don't think that I could hurt the XX so much as to say "look, I've been with another guy in that bed and I didn't want to sleep with you in it too." Or just stick to the "it's not right to sleep with you when I don't love you, but you love me" line, and then just explain about being completely overwhelmed by his feelings for me when I was expecting his visit to be a chance for me to develop my feelings for him. I am also debating how much to tell him in regards to being angry that he gave me an ultimatum. I don't know if he saw it as an ultimatum, though it was. Basically he was telling me, "Sleep with me and pretend everything is great while I'm visiting or I can't be around you." It's pretty shitty when you claim to love somebody. Do I explain to him that sex and love are not interchangable?

I had a dream last night about the XX. I drempt that he was still visiting and that I was giving in and sleeping with him. But I couldn't and at the last minute I put a hand on his chest and pushed him away. I suppose that's a good sign if even my subconsious is sticking to it's guns. Although, in my dream it is quite possible (the alarm woke me up so I'm a bit hazy) that I pushed him away after realizing he wasn't J.

So, I'm confused, I'm being a non-confrontational coward, my cold is back with a vengance, I'm tired beyond belief, I am blogging instead of working just killing time until I can punch out for lunch and take a cat nap.

It's firday night and I ain't got nobody

It's Friday night. Nearly 11 and I'm boringly sitting alone in my apartment. it's been eerily quiet. I forgot my iPod at work, and while I know I could play music directly from my computer, there is something about it being so silent in here right now.

The XX emailed me again. He's leaving tomorrow and wants to call me before then. He said he might tonight. It depends I suppose on what every fun thing he's got planned. Frankly, i think despite feeling sorry for himself, he did more being elsewhere than with me. I've had to work every day after new years. But maybe i'm just trying to ease my own guilt. I'm wondering what our conversation is going to be like. Will we forgive each other and be friend again? Or will this be it and we'll forever be scarred and angry?

I rented some movies today. I just finished watching Kingdon of Heaven. I was pleasantly suprised. It wasn't as exciting as the box makes it sound, but then I'm not really in the mood. But I thought it was pretty cool none-the-less. I liked the message about putting people's lives over symbols and icons.

I've also got: Ghost in the Shell, Cowboy Bebop, Road to Perdition, Munich, and Tristan + Isolde. I don't feel like watching any of them. I wanted to see Step Up because it's a dancing movie. I already rented Take the Lead with Antonio Banderas, and there wasn't enough dancing in it for me. I've also seen Mad Hot Ballroom, which is utterly adorable. It is fantastic to see these inner city kids gain some self confidence and respect through something that isn't self destructive.

I'm tempted to just go to bed.

I think I have bronchitis or pneumonia. I've had this sore throat/cough /cold type thing for a month now and in the last week it has gotten much worse. A week ago I started hacking up really gross phlem, that's subsided, but my throat still hurts, I'm still coughing and sometimes when I breathe out it feels like someone is pressing down on my chest and my heart beat speeds up. When that happens if feels almost like a panic attack. I should probablly get to a doctor. But I'm such a procrastinator that I never turned in my paperwork to Human Resources to get my health coverage started. Stupid me. I'm just hoping that it's something simple that will go away on it's own. I haven't gone dancing or exercised in so long. I really want to, but I'm afraid that I'll end up making myself worse if I don't rest.

And then

he emails an apology.

I think the XX is a good guy. I've counted him as a friend since I was able to get over the initial hurt of him breaking up with me.

But, I'm still not going to get back with him.

Guilt Factor

I got a brief message from the XX that he'd gotten to his in-between station safely. He also said that he would call me on New Years Day. That didn't happen. I got nothing actually until last night when an email arrives from him. He's been spending his time online and decided to take me off his chat contacts becuase he didn't like looking at my name and feeling the embarrasment of this weeks events. Then he got worried that I could some how see that he'd done this and wanted to explain why, but that if I hadn't seen this that I should ignore his email.

I'm a helpful person, perhaps too helpful sometimes. I emailed him back and let him know how he could appear to be offline if that is what he wanted and that I would cease to bother him.

Apparently, me not bothering him was not the intention of his email. Because I recieved another this morning telling me how cold I have been offering him no explination and that it seems to me who wants to cease contact not him. He also proceded to tell me how miserable he is where he is at the moment. What I wanted to say was:

Do NOT blame me for the consequences of your actions. You chose to leave my home when I wouldn't give into your ultimatum. And YES it was an ultimatum. Telling me you couln't have a good time on this trip if you weren't having sex with me and leaving when I wouldn't is an ultimatum. It is the lowest form of pressure - if you cared about me you would - ahttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.quote.gifnd I will not give in to it. As for you feeling so bad where you are, that I also can not help. I told you not to go. I wanted a comprimise. Do NOT think that I am going to feel guilty over that. I am sorry if my friendship is not enough for you. But if you want more of an explination you must ask for it. You can not give me the cold shoulder after leaving and then complain about my cold shoulder to you. Stop being a baby and a fucking drama queen. You are too old for such antics. Why is it that I feel the more mature person here yet you are the elder?

No Love,
Me


P.S. I'm glad I made the decision not to have a relationship wiht you. You can not say that you love me and not respect my decision to keep my body to myself. What would have happened months down the line when I'm tired or PMSing or just not in the mood? What if I am really sick and this isn't a cold? You made no consessions for how I felt. Love shouldn't coerse someone into doing something they don't want to do. I am convinced now that you only think you love me. I don't know who broke your heart recently to make you come crawling back to me, but I'm beginning to see why she did.

Anyway...that's not what I wrote. I apologized. I said I was trying to give him space and time to grieve. Which is all true, but seriously I'd like to scream at him. He broke my heart so many time and Karma is a bitch.