I had the hardest time sleeping last night. My cough is back. Not only did it keep me up, but if I moved at all I'd start coughing. I got thinking about the XX. I still have not written the letter of explination that I told him I was writing. And I was writing it, I wrote 3 or 4 versions at least. But none have gotten onto quality stationary or addressed themselves with an airmail stamp. I'm just so confused as to how much to "explain."
J came over last week and it was so very nice.
I don't think that I could hurt the XX so much as to say "look, I've been with another guy in that bed and I didn't want to sleep with you in it too." Or just stick to the "it's not right to sleep with you when I don't love you, but you love me" line, and then just explain about being completely overwhelmed by his feelings for me when I was expecting his visit to be a chance for me to develop my feelings for him. I am also debating how much to tell him in regards to being angry that he gave me an ultimatum. I don't know if he saw it as an ultimatum, though it was. Basically he was telling me, "Sleep with me and pretend everything is great while I'm visiting or I can't be around you." It's pretty shitty when you claim to love somebody. Do I explain to him that sex and love are not interchangable?
I had a dream last night about the XX. I drempt that he was still visiting and that I was giving in and sleeping with him. But I couldn't and at the last minute I put a hand on his chest and pushed him away. I suppose that's a good sign if even my subconsious is sticking to it's guns. Although, in my dream it is quite possible (the alarm woke me up so I'm a bit hazy) that I pushed him away after realizing he wasn't J.
So, I'm confused, I'm being a non-confrontational coward, my cold is back with a vengance, I'm tired beyond belief, I am blogging instead of working just killing time until I can punch out for lunch and take a cat nap.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
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4 comments:
Go get checked out. I ended up with pneumonia over break, I got better and now it's back. You may have something worse than what you think.
Being so tired...emotional or physical or both. Illness takes a terrible strain.
Hmmmm...yes. I really should get to the doctor. But that would imply that I was smart enough, organized enough, and on top of things enough to have turned in my paperwork to HR so I could have my health insurance kick in.
All of that would be giving me too much credit.
And for the life of me I can't figure out why I'm such an idiot about it either.
take a break. really.
UBN: What is this "break" you speak of? I have never heard of such thing, though it sound sort of like 'brakes' those screachy things on my car.
Seriously I wish I could. I do get most weekends off. I just tend to use that time to go dancing when I should be sleeping.
Burning the candle at both ends, baby, that's me.
Eventually once I've been at my job 6 months I can take a real day off. That will be a good time.
And...my brakes don't really screech. I know enough to get that taken care of.
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