Today has been filled with What-the-Fuck? Moments.
The hot water in my building was shut off at 6am this morning. WTF? Who's gonna wake up before 6am to shower before the hot water is shut off.
I'm still fucking sick. Instead of a sore throat, I've just got loads of mucus that I'm hacking up constantly.
Because so many people are starting to use their vacation time I'm stuck working the night shift today and Thursday.
Avoiding work and looking around on the internet I've found 3 more videos of J and his partner. Some of them are hers (she has a website and a profile on youtube.) the other I can't figure out. I got too pissed off watching it. One of them is from Februrary on a night that I was there when girls from his Basic class were flirting with him and he said he'd come with me when I left and then didn't.
I went to see if pictures were up of last sunday's dance. They were. I was all excited as I started to scroll through them expecting at least a couple good ones of me dancing. But no. There was one, that's right one. And it's taken from behind the guy I was dancing with so the only reason I know it's me is because I recognize my sleeve. WTF?
BMG on the other hand has 4 - one of her just walking past a group of people. She's even the freeze frame for the video. WTF? What the fuck is it about this girl that has the salseros where I live falling all over themselves around her? More than one person upon seeing her picture says she's nothing special, no great shakes, so WTF already?!!
Resolution from now on: BMG means nothing to me and I'm going to start acting and thinking that way. No more consern over her clothes, shoes, who she's dancing with, how she dances. I really do believe in Karma. I don't think it's restricted to action either. So I'm no longer going to be putting BMG ladden Karma out into the universe.
I heard this song on the radio on my way in to work. It is what I wish J thought when he thinks of me. Not that he thinks of me. I wish I could stop thinking about him.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Another reason to hate YouTube
They're on YouTube.
Seriously.
The weekend that I lost it because J and BMG were at all of the classes together and they were obviously there together J talked to me about the club the night before, that I should have been there because he danced with both BMG and his other partner.
Well the performance and lesson from that night are on YouTube. Well, not the whole lesson. It's like an advertisement for him teaching. It's so weird and it's got the whole performance of the three of them.
I remember him saying that it involved more acting. Yeah, bad acting. It him dancing with dance partner one and then she kind of pushes him away and BMG comes on and they dance then girl 1 comes back the three dance, BMG goes off and it seems like J's gonna stay and dance with girl 1 again, but instead BMG takes him of and Girl 1 ends the performance dancing alone.
I didn't like it that much. It looks so much better when it's not coreographed. The first bit where he's dancing with his regular partner and the "credits" are going is much better than the rehersed bit. And like I say --acting is not their talent. I feel like a Dancing with the Stars judge. "Not enough content." I mean there were some turns and dips, but the girls did all the work. He kind of just stood there, walkd around watching like he's trying to decide between the two girls. Hopefully that was the first and last performance like that.
Blech. What a shitty discovery.
Seriously.
The weekend that I lost it because J and BMG were at all of the classes together and they were obviously there together J talked to me about the club the night before, that I should have been there because he danced with both BMG and his other partner.
Well the performance and lesson from that night are on YouTube. Well, not the whole lesson. It's like an advertisement for him teaching. It's so weird and it's got the whole performance of the three of them.
I remember him saying that it involved more acting. Yeah, bad acting. It him dancing with dance partner one and then she kind of pushes him away and BMG comes on and they dance then girl 1 comes back the three dance, BMG goes off and it seems like J's gonna stay and dance with girl 1 again, but instead BMG takes him of and Girl 1 ends the performance dancing alone.
I didn't like it that much. It looks so much better when it's not coreographed. The first bit where he's dancing with his regular partner and the "credits" are going is much better than the rehersed bit. And like I say --acting is not their talent. I feel like a Dancing with the Stars judge. "Not enough content." I mean there were some turns and dips, but the girls did all the work. He kind of just stood there, walkd around watching like he's trying to decide between the two girls. Hopefully that was the first and last performance like that.
Blech. What a shitty discovery.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Saturday Secrets
I really want to go here.
but I'm afraid to tell anyone I know because I think they'll make fun, or think it's stupid, or consider me flighty.
I have a professional job. I've got a bachelors degree and two masters. But even with all of that I was never sure of what I wanted to do. I always thought that I didn't want to teach. I certainly don't want to student teach, but I don't hate teaching like I always thought I did.
I really like my dance classes. I love it when the instructors use me to help and I'm always giving advice to my partners during class - though I try not to because I'm not the teacher.
I'm just too conserned with what people expect and think of me.
but I'm afraid to tell anyone I know because I think they'll make fun, or think it's stupid, or consider me flighty.
I have a professional job. I've got a bachelors degree and two masters. But even with all of that I was never sure of what I wanted to do. I always thought that I didn't want to teach. I certainly don't want to student teach, but I don't hate teaching like I always thought I did.
I really like my dance classes. I love it when the instructors use me to help and I'm always giving advice to my partners during class - though I try not to because I'm not the teacher.
I'm just too conserned with what people expect and think of me.
Friday, May 25, 2007
I'll be just find pretending I'm not
It has been well over 80 almost every day this week and I've come down with a cold. What's up with that?
I screwed up at work and forgot a deadline meaning on wednesday some of our customers were a little bit peeved.
Despite being sick I had to come in for another pointless staff meeting and work a split shift because of it - despite the fact that nobody showed up at 7 for my program. It was a waste of 12 hours.
I went dancing again. I had actually tried to figure out a senario in which I could be nice to her. I mean this hating her thing is getting really ridiculous. Actually it's the being obsessed that is ridiculous. Unfortunately I never got the chance. I think she must have some kind of clue that I have no interest in being nice to her. I joined the beginner class as a leader. I had spoken to him the week before and I had been a leader in his beginning class on sunday. He uses me to demonstrate the ladies part when he's teaching the guys. So me and two other girls were filling in because as always with this stuff there were way more ladies then men. When BMG comes in with someone who could have been her mom. She changed her shoes and the next thing I know she's standing next to me in the leaders line. Fine. But then the teacher decides that everyone should have a go at leading and since he'd been demonstrating with me he has all the leaders take a turn at leading me. Including BMG. Yeah. That was fun. Not really. She wasn't good.
I really, really tried to ignore her for the rest of the night. Not, ignore, just try to not be aware. The worste part was when I was dancing with a guy had never danced with before and he chose a spot on the dance floor right in front of BMG & Posse's table. It made me so neverous. And then it happened again when I was dancing with someone else and there was only one other couple on the floor. I don't know why I have this feeling that she's judging me. I mean if I obviously remember her from two months ago with J, how can she not remember me talking to him too? But maybe I'm just paranoid.
Being sick my balance was all off, so that was annoying. And when I was dancing with the teacher later in the night I managed to smack him in the nose. Talk about embarassing. It didn't stop me from dancing until the very end. I'm at work now with 4 hours of sleep and a red, stuffy nose.
I had planned out a long post about how I was finally okay. I was over at the X's on Monday (Heroes Season Finale). I got there early so we ate and then he wanted to walk next door to the grocery store. I thought he wanted to get stuff for later that night. No. He was doing his grocery shopping for the week.
I knew the inevitable end to the night and realized that I wasn't really that into it. I had had such a great Sunday night dancing and I know the X is really not into that. I just realized that I don't really need him anymore. I feel really bad about it. I knew the whole time that I was using him to make me feel better, but I didn't expect to get to this point before he left.
I screwed up at work and forgot a deadline meaning on wednesday some of our customers were a little bit peeved.
Despite being sick I had to come in for another pointless staff meeting and work a split shift because of it - despite the fact that nobody showed up at 7 for my program. It was a waste of 12 hours.
I went dancing again. I had actually tried to figure out a senario in which I could be nice to her. I mean this hating her thing is getting really ridiculous. Actually it's the being obsessed that is ridiculous. Unfortunately I never got the chance. I think she must have some kind of clue that I have no interest in being nice to her. I joined the beginner class as a leader. I had spoken to him the week before and I had been a leader in his beginning class on sunday. He uses me to demonstrate the ladies part when he's teaching the guys. So me and two other girls were filling in because as always with this stuff there were way more ladies then men. When BMG comes in with someone who could have been her mom. She changed her shoes and the next thing I know she's standing next to me in the leaders line. Fine. But then the teacher decides that everyone should have a go at leading and since he'd been demonstrating with me he has all the leaders take a turn at leading me. Including BMG. Yeah. That was fun. Not really. She wasn't good.
I really, really tried to ignore her for the rest of the night. Not, ignore, just try to not be aware. The worste part was when I was dancing with a guy had never danced with before and he chose a spot on the dance floor right in front of BMG & Posse's table. It made me so neverous. And then it happened again when I was dancing with someone else and there was only one other couple on the floor. I don't know why I have this feeling that she's judging me. I mean if I obviously remember her from two months ago with J, how can she not remember me talking to him too? But maybe I'm just paranoid.
Being sick my balance was all off, so that was annoying. And when I was dancing with the teacher later in the night I managed to smack him in the nose. Talk about embarassing. It didn't stop me from dancing until the very end. I'm at work now with 4 hours of sleep and a red, stuffy nose.
I had planned out a long post about how I was finally okay. I was over at the X's on Monday (Heroes Season Finale). I got there early so we ate and then he wanted to walk next door to the grocery store. I thought he wanted to get stuff for later that night. No. He was doing his grocery shopping for the week.
I knew the inevitable end to the night and realized that I wasn't really that into it. I had had such a great Sunday night dancing and I know the X is really not into that. I just realized that I don't really need him anymore. I feel really bad about it. I knew the whole time that I was using him to make me feel better, but I didn't expect to get to this point before he left.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Conscience and Karmic Retribution
I spent the evening with the X. We watched the season finale of Heroes and he burned a copy of my Harry Potter audio book. I got to thinking about the scene in the book when Harry watches Snapes worst memory. A 15 year old James Potter hexes a 15 year old Snape and hangs him upside down for all to see and laugh at his underpants. When Lily Evans asks James, what's he ever done to you, James responds "It's nothing he's done, so much as the fact that he exists." I always felt bad for Snape during this scene, even though he lashes out at Lily afterward I can see why.
So thinking of that I became very ashamed of myself.
I have held up BMG for ridicule for no other reason that that she exists, that someone I liked liked her more - so what? that's called life. And she didn't look at me and say hey I'm going to steal your some-times-lover from you. I call myself the better person, and yet I'm just another cyber-bully. The fact that it is anonymous and done behind her back doesn't really excuse it. It is nothing more than my petty need for reassurance. That doesn't make me better than her it makes me so much worse.
She doesn't deserve to be bashed by me on my blog and I am vowing that from now on I am discontinuing it.
When I was in 5th grade my best friend at the time and I decided that we didn't like a girl in our class. She was geeky and akward looking. She only played at recess with another boy that nobody liked. Why we felt the need to do worse, I don't know. In some sort of Sweet-Valley-Twins-esque plot we first tried to befriend her. We tried to convince her that all sorts of things that were not "cool" really were. This was around the time of the first Batman movie so we said things like wearing green and purple was really cool. I totally remember her saying "but I've already bought black clothes." I don't think she ever really took our lame advice. Then we started to leave nasty notes in her desk at school. I think we managed one. I remember seeing her one morning with the note in her hand just having taken it out of her desk and looking around the room with a really hurt expression.
To our credit we stopped pretty quickly. I was pretty sure we go caught. My best friend at the time couldn't slip a note into the desk so she dropped by the girls bg as she walked by. The girl noticed and really really hurt asked my friend if she was the one doing it. I couldn't leave my friend hanging out to dry so I stepped up and said somebody asked us to do it. Yeah, I'm not sure how that one was believed. I am sure that I am blocking out a whole bunch of ugly punishments.
What I do remember is her sad looks and hurt I caused a girl who's only crime was to be akward.
I stopped being friends with that "best friend" a year later when we moved up to middle school. And that's when Karma took hold. I truely believe that what we put out in the world will come back to us and more. I was cruel to a girl who didn't deserve it and so much worse was done to me the following year. For some people high school is hell. For me it was 6th grade. I was teased, harassed, and bullied. I had one friend and no one else spoke to me unless it was to say something nasty. I ended up changing schools and things got better. But for a while I knew, and then some, what I had put that girl through the year before.
I should have learned my lesson when I was 11. But obviously I hadn't. I just hope that this time Karma doesn't come kicking my ass again.
So thinking of that I became very ashamed of myself.
I have held up BMG for ridicule for no other reason that that she exists, that someone I liked liked her more - so what? that's called life. And she didn't look at me and say hey I'm going to steal your some-times-lover from you. I call myself the better person, and yet I'm just another cyber-bully. The fact that it is anonymous and done behind her back doesn't really excuse it. It is nothing more than my petty need for reassurance. That doesn't make me better than her it makes me so much worse.
She doesn't deserve to be bashed by me on my blog and I am vowing that from now on I am discontinuing it.
When I was in 5th grade my best friend at the time and I decided that we didn't like a girl in our class. She was geeky and akward looking. She only played at recess with another boy that nobody liked. Why we felt the need to do worse, I don't know. In some sort of Sweet-Valley-Twins-esque plot we first tried to befriend her. We tried to convince her that all sorts of things that were not "cool" really were. This was around the time of the first Batman movie so we said things like wearing green and purple was really cool. I totally remember her saying "but I've already bought black clothes." I don't think she ever really took our lame advice. Then we started to leave nasty notes in her desk at school. I think we managed one. I remember seeing her one morning with the note in her hand just having taken it out of her desk and looking around the room with a really hurt expression.
To our credit we stopped pretty quickly. I was pretty sure we go caught. My best friend at the time couldn't slip a note into the desk so she dropped by the girls bg as she walked by. The girl noticed and really really hurt asked my friend if she was the one doing it. I couldn't leave my friend hanging out to dry so I stepped up and said somebody asked us to do it. Yeah, I'm not sure how that one was believed. I am sure that I am blocking out a whole bunch of ugly punishments.
What I do remember is her sad looks and hurt I caused a girl who's only crime was to be akward.
I stopped being friends with that "best friend" a year later when we moved up to middle school. And that's when Karma took hold. I truely believe that what we put out in the world will come back to us and more. I was cruel to a girl who didn't deserve it and so much worse was done to me the following year. For some people high school is hell. For me it was 6th grade. I was teased, harassed, and bullied. I had one friend and no one else spoke to me unless it was to say something nasty. I ended up changing schools and things got better. But for a while I knew, and then some, what I had put that girl through the year before.
I should have learned my lesson when I was 11. But obviously I hadn't. I just hope that this time Karma doesn't come kicking my ass again.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Weekend Rollercoaster
Saturday I was pretty bummed. I was feeling very down about myself. Mostly physically. for all I said in my saturday secrets post two weeks ago. I hate my legs from my navel to my knees. I'm a fucking size 2 and I still can't get over how fat my thighs and ass are. I know that in alot of ways that just makes me female. But it is also pretty sickening. I look around at girls 2 and 3 times my size wearing really tight pants for all the world like they've got a perfect body and they look good. So why can I not where a pair of jazz pants with out something that covers my 'saddle bags'?
That is where my obsession with BMG comes from. I don't think she's got a perfect body. I think she's got the body of a teen-age boy with an A-cup. It's the fact that she can put on tight pants and crop top then walk around the place like she's the sexiest thing on two legs. It's this air she gives off more than anything.
But I'm starting to re-evaluate my opinion of her. More on that later
Saturday I managed to go out dancing. I have these new jazz pants. I couldn't bring myself to buy the small which were too tight through the thigh - I got medium, but I wore those with a camisole top that sort of flares out and hits me just below the waist (you know, to detract from my thighs - sigh). But, the important thing was I had a good time dancing even though it was a very small crowd.
And Sunday was a good day. I convinced a girl from work to come with me to the dance that evening and I had a pretty productive day. I did every stitch of laundry I could find, finished some alterations I'd been meaning to do on some clothes and started a new sewing project.
My original plan, because I wasn't sure if J was going to show or not. Was to wear my new jazz pants (I washed them!) and a little top I have that is backless, mesh front over a red bandeau with fringe that hangs over the tummy. Truly I was going to wear this, despite my hang-ups. But I didn't. I found a much better option and I'm going to save it for a club.
I went to the mall to try to find some pants for work. About a month ago I picked an awesome pair of black pants that I love and if I had had the forethought I would have picked up two or more pairs. I didn't find them, but I found a pair of capris - tight from hips to knee - like workout pants or jazz pants. $15 so I bought them. Then I proceeded to find a great top that had flowy 1/2 length sleeves, a big black ribbon that ties under the bust, and it was longish - about mid-thigh, and just flowy enough away from the body. With my black dancing shoes, and my hair done - I felt hot. Something about those tight capris. I'm so glad I bought them.
But the important thing is that I had the BEST time. I was so on form with my dancing. I was grooving to the music, I was adding in a little styling with tiny kicks, and my arms. I'm not 100% comfortable with it yet. But the time off I took did wonders because now I'm back with a vengeance and I know it's because I love it.
BMG was there. She was with the same guy and girl from Thursday and they were all matching! I swear to god - the three of them come in all in white pants (BMG in tight crop pants - nice ones, not her usual jazz pants) and black t-shirts. BMG was still BMG - her shirt hovered above her waistband and as the night wore one she tucked it up under her bra so it was more like a crop top. (I'm laughing as I write that - just wear a damn crop top to start with!!!) It was also just hysterical that they matched. I mean really. Are they related? Is it some kind of freakish three way concubinish open relationship polygamy thing? Because there is this one picture from two weeks ago where the dude is next to the other girl and BMG. He has his arm stretched all the way past girl #2 and is touching BMG. It is the oddest thing.
BMG danced with that guy alot and the other guy also from thursday night - not the one she came with. I found those two interesting to watch too. On thursday on more than one occasion on the dance floor she'd say "stop that, you're so mean" which I took to just be playful or flirtatious. But last night they seemed to actually be arguing on the dance floor and I once I heard an angry-ish "well what do you want me to do?" from her. It gives me evil glee. But she must like him, or like dancing with him or something 'cuz they're always 3 or 4 songs together.
She seemed to not be going for the casual look so much this time either. Not the I put on a pair of earrings, jazz pants and a shirt and go. No. She straightened her hair, had leopard print shoes, and wasn't committing the fashion faux pax of a black bra under a white shirt. So maybe she really likes that guy - who knows.
I saw her dance once with an old guy and once with a young guy who comes but can't dance. I don't know why he doesn't take a lesson, but whatever he's probably just trying to pick up chicks. The look on her face was priceless. I'm beginning to think she's a little arrogant. I've danced with the young guy before too. It's hard. He's not on beat, he doesn't do the steps right. But I'm always nice about it. I mess up with more experienced dancers too. She was stoney faced. And with the old guy after about 2 minutes she walked away from him. I don't know if he stepped on her or what, but she looked pissed off. I mean, come on, the guy was old give him a break. And I remember pictures of her from the workshops where she spent the whole time with J. She's with this other partner - not an attractive guy with a huge mole on his face that makes Enrique Iglesias's look like a beauty spot - they're both looking at the camera and she's not smiling. There are 3 of these pictures so she couldn't have been taken by suprise. Instead it looks like the last thing she wants is proof that she danced with him.
So yeah, my opinion of her has sunk way, way low. Even tho I'm a little miffed that her ass would look good in white pants. I think I can now stop being ruled by my hatred of her. I think she's just undeserving of it. She seems more arrogant and shallow than I first thought. I vow to no longer compare myself to her. In all the ways it counts I am a much better person.
Also...all of this observation was interspersed through 4 hours of dancing. I wasn't watching her the whole night. I danced until my feet ached an then kept dancing. I left at the end when I thought it might feel better to just cut my toes off. I got a huge number of compliments from a bunch of guys that I think are great dancers. And I am sure that I saw my picture being taken for the website at least twice. YAY! I'm sick of trying to find myself in the background.
That is where my obsession with BMG comes from. I don't think she's got a perfect body. I think she's got the body of a teen-age boy with an A-cup. It's the fact that she can put on tight pants and crop top then walk around the place like she's the sexiest thing on two legs. It's this air she gives off more than anything.
But I'm starting to re-evaluate my opinion of her. More on that later
Saturday I managed to go out dancing. I have these new jazz pants. I couldn't bring myself to buy the small which were too tight through the thigh - I got medium, but I wore those with a camisole top that sort of flares out and hits me just below the waist (you know, to detract from my thighs - sigh). But, the important thing was I had a good time dancing even though it was a very small crowd.
And Sunday was a good day. I convinced a girl from work to come with me to the dance that evening and I had a pretty productive day. I did every stitch of laundry I could find, finished some alterations I'd been meaning to do on some clothes and started a new sewing project.
My original plan, because I wasn't sure if J was going to show or not. Was to wear my new jazz pants (I washed them!) and a little top I have that is backless, mesh front over a red bandeau with fringe that hangs over the tummy. Truly I was going to wear this, despite my hang-ups. But I didn't. I found a much better option and I'm going to save it for a club.
I went to the mall to try to find some pants for work. About a month ago I picked an awesome pair of black pants that I love and if I had had the forethought I would have picked up two or more pairs. I didn't find them, but I found a pair of capris - tight from hips to knee - like workout pants or jazz pants. $15 so I bought them. Then I proceeded to find a great top that had flowy 1/2 length sleeves, a big black ribbon that ties under the bust, and it was longish - about mid-thigh, and just flowy enough away from the body. With my black dancing shoes, and my hair done - I felt hot. Something about those tight capris. I'm so glad I bought them.
But the important thing is that I had the BEST time. I was so on form with my dancing. I was grooving to the music, I was adding in a little styling with tiny kicks, and my arms. I'm not 100% comfortable with it yet. But the time off I took did wonders because now I'm back with a vengeance and I know it's because I love it.
BMG was there. She was with the same guy and girl from Thursday and they were all matching! I swear to god - the three of them come in all in white pants (BMG in tight crop pants - nice ones, not her usual jazz pants) and black t-shirts. BMG was still BMG - her shirt hovered above her waistband and as the night wore one she tucked it up under her bra so it was more like a crop top. (I'm laughing as I write that - just wear a damn crop top to start with!!!) It was also just hysterical that they matched. I mean really. Are they related? Is it some kind of freakish three way concubinish open relationship polygamy thing? Because there is this one picture from two weeks ago where the dude is next to the other girl and BMG. He has his arm stretched all the way past girl #2 and is touching BMG. It is the oddest thing.
BMG danced with that guy alot and the other guy also from thursday night - not the one she came with. I found those two interesting to watch too. On thursday on more than one occasion on the dance floor she'd say "stop that, you're so mean" which I took to just be playful or flirtatious. But last night they seemed to actually be arguing on the dance floor and I once I heard an angry-ish "well what do you want me to do?" from her. It gives me evil glee. But she must like him, or like dancing with him or something 'cuz they're always 3 or 4 songs together.
She seemed to not be going for the casual look so much this time either. Not the I put on a pair of earrings, jazz pants and a shirt and go. No. She straightened her hair, had leopard print shoes, and wasn't committing the fashion faux pax of a black bra under a white shirt. So maybe she really likes that guy - who knows.
I saw her dance once with an old guy and once with a young guy who comes but can't dance. I don't know why he doesn't take a lesson, but whatever he's probably just trying to pick up chicks. The look on her face was priceless. I'm beginning to think she's a little arrogant. I've danced with the young guy before too. It's hard. He's not on beat, he doesn't do the steps right. But I'm always nice about it. I mess up with more experienced dancers too. She was stoney faced. And with the old guy after about 2 minutes she walked away from him. I don't know if he stepped on her or what, but she looked pissed off. I mean, come on, the guy was old give him a break. And I remember pictures of her from the workshops where she spent the whole time with J. She's with this other partner - not an attractive guy with a huge mole on his face that makes Enrique Iglesias's look like a beauty spot - they're both looking at the camera and she's not smiling. There are 3 of these pictures so she couldn't have been taken by suprise. Instead it looks like the last thing she wants is proof that she danced with him.
So yeah, my opinion of her has sunk way, way low. Even tho I'm a little miffed that her ass would look good in white pants. I think I can now stop being ruled by my hatred of her. I think she's just undeserving of it. She seems more arrogant and shallow than I first thought. I vow to no longer compare myself to her. In all the ways it counts I am a much better person.
Also...all of this observation was interspersed through 4 hours of dancing. I wasn't watching her the whole night. I danced until my feet ached an then kept dancing. I left at the end when I thought it might feel better to just cut my toes off. I got a huge number of compliments from a bunch of guys that I think are great dancers. And I am sure that I saw my picture being taken for the website at least twice. YAY! I'm sick of trying to find myself in the background.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Saturday Secrets
I don't think that J will be at the social tomorrow. I checked the pictures and video of the April one that I skipped and I didn't see him, even in the background.
I remember that from last summer too. He came to a couple and then didn't for months and months. I read back on my blog to that summer and I wondered if him coming wasn't a way to "reassure" me - to keep me hanging on or something. Because things were starting to cool by August. It makes me wonder if he and BMG were having anything, if he hasn't gotten tired of her already too.
Secretly though, I keep going over possible things that I want him to say to me if he's there.
"Sorry" tops the list because it's easiest to respond to. But, what I want to hear most from him is "I miss you." And it's the one thing I have absolutely no response for. "oh that's nice" "I'm sorry to hear that" "really, I couldn't tell." Mostly though my brain just goes "huh? what?" when I imagine it. Probably that's the rational part trying to let me know how completely impossible that is. Even if he were to say it, it would only mean "I miss being able to call you up for sex every once in a great while when I'm horny and all my other conquests are busy."
That could be a responce: "When you say you miss me are you saying you miss my engaging company or you miss being able to call me for casual sex once every six weeks because you've got half an hour to kill and all your other girls are busy?"
But that sounds a little bitter. If I ever run into him again, I don't want to sound angry or bitter. I wish I could some how come off from the emails declaring my feelings and portray the perfect picture of casulness. As if he was blip on the radar screen of my love life and I have already picked up moved on and never given him a second thought.
I remember that from last summer too. He came to a couple and then didn't for months and months. I read back on my blog to that summer and I wondered if him coming wasn't a way to "reassure" me - to keep me hanging on or something. Because things were starting to cool by August. It makes me wonder if he and BMG were having anything, if he hasn't gotten tired of her already too.
Secretly though, I keep going over possible things that I want him to say to me if he's there.
"Sorry" tops the list because it's easiest to respond to. But, what I want to hear most from him is "I miss you." And it's the one thing I have absolutely no response for. "oh that's nice" "I'm sorry to hear that" "really, I couldn't tell." Mostly though my brain just goes "huh? what?" when I imagine it. Probably that's the rational part trying to let me know how completely impossible that is. Even if he were to say it, it would only mean "I miss being able to call you up for sex every once in a great while when I'm horny and all my other conquests are busy."
That could be a responce: "When you say you miss me are you saying you miss my engaging company or you miss being able to call me for casual sex once every six weeks because you've got half an hour to kill and all your other girls are busy?"
But that sounds a little bitter. If I ever run into him again, I don't want to sound angry or bitter. I wish I could some how come off from the emails declaring my feelings and portray the perfect picture of casulness. As if he was blip on the radar screen of my love life and I have already picked up moved on and never given him a second thought.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Not so good
Despite having a horrible day at work on Thurday, I went out to dance. I was expecting to have a pretty good time like I had the week before and better since it wasn't ending early.
For the most part it was good. CF wasn't there, but a friend of his was. A couple of guys I have seen at the socials for a whole year now, who teach many of the lessons, asked me to dance. A whole year I've been around and now they ask. But that made me feel good 'cuz they are pretty fantastic dancers. One asked me twice, the other was also DJing, but I don't know that he'll ask me again. I think I got nervous and messed up a little.
The downside and what made it not so great - BMG. Yep, I was there for 20 minutes or so (I had rushed after work to get there before the cover went up) and she came in with a guy and another girl. The guy I recognized from the socials and mostly where J works. The girl I didn't recognize. She's still baring her midrift. For the most part I just tried not to pay attention to her. She spent most of the night dancing with this other guy I've never seen before. They seemed pretty friendly but I can't say that it was more or less than that.
I went to look at the website when I got home. Pictures of the last few weeks were finally added. There she was the week before last. I was seriously pissed. I never would have gone if I thought there was a chance she went there. The big socials, I know she goes to, but it's big enough I know I don't have to see her if I don't want to. But the club is smaller.
I'm trying to figure out just who she knows that she's always in at least 3 pictures and video clips of these things. Is it seriously just the midrift? If I start showing off my stomach will I make it on them too?
I'm sounding excedingly envious I know. I admit it. I am.
The upside to the whole thing I suppose is that A) I didn't let it totally ruin the night for me. Infact I made a point of smiling and laughing and showing that I was having fun dancing. Usually I'm so worried about doing it "right" that I forget that I'm having fun! and B) That I can see her around and deal with it. I didn't run for cover or leave or sulk because she was around.
The next questions are will I be able to be so cool if I ever run into J again? and can I be so cool if I see them together again?
For the most part it was good. CF wasn't there, but a friend of his was. A couple of guys I have seen at the socials for a whole year now, who teach many of the lessons, asked me to dance. A whole year I've been around and now they ask. But that made me feel good 'cuz they are pretty fantastic dancers. One asked me twice, the other was also DJing, but I don't know that he'll ask me again. I think I got nervous and messed up a little.
The downside and what made it not so great - BMG. Yep, I was there for 20 minutes or so (I had rushed after work to get there before the cover went up) and she came in with a guy and another girl. The guy I recognized from the socials and mostly where J works. The girl I didn't recognize. She's still baring her midrift. For the most part I just tried not to pay attention to her. She spent most of the night dancing with this other guy I've never seen before. They seemed pretty friendly but I can't say that it was more or less than that.
I went to look at the website when I got home. Pictures of the last few weeks were finally added. There she was the week before last. I was seriously pissed. I never would have gone if I thought there was a chance she went there. The big socials, I know she goes to, but it's big enough I know I don't have to see her if I don't want to. But the club is smaller.
I'm trying to figure out just who she knows that she's always in at least 3 pictures and video clips of these things. Is it seriously just the midrift? If I start showing off my stomach will I make it on them too?
I'm sounding excedingly envious I know. I admit it. I am.
The upside to the whole thing I suppose is that A) I didn't let it totally ruin the night for me. Infact I made a point of smiling and laughing and showing that I was having fun dancing. Usually I'm so worried about doing it "right" that I forget that I'm having fun! and B) That I can see her around and deal with it. I didn't run for cover or leave or sulk because she was around.
The next questions are will I be able to be so cool if I ever run into J again? and can I be so cool if I see them together again?
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Well, actually
The worst that can happen is that they are interested, but the training hours don't work with my current schedule. I'm too concientuous to quit right before the busiest time of year for my department. I can't quit until August.
Monday, May 14, 2007
The worst they can do
I found an add on craigslist for "ballroom dance instructors needed." They said they wanted someone with experience, but were willing to train. So I emailed the person.
I also found a few Arthur-Murray places, not around me, that do an employment training. They'd require moving and I don't know that they'd consider me because of that.
But the worst that can happen is they say no.
I also found a few Arthur-Murray places, not around me, that do an employment training. They'd require moving and I don't know that they'd consider me because of that.
But the worst that can happen is they say no.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Saturday Secrets
I never told anyone, but my boss sixty year old boss kissed me once.
Not my current boss - they're all women (although that would make it even more shocking I guess) - but my old boss. It was a really akward kind of situation after I told him that I was offered a new job and that I was accepting it. I could tell that he was sad that I was going to go. He put his arms over my shoulders, only I wasn't about to hug him back. A bit like this only no one's smiling and imagine me being freaking out on the inside:
Not my current boss - they're all women (although that would make it even more shocking I guess) - but my old boss. It was a really akward kind of situation after I told him that I was offered a new job and that I was accepting it. I could tell that he was sad that I was going to go. He put his arms over my shoulders, only I wasn't about to hug him back. A bit like this only no one's smiling and imagine me being freaking out on the inside:
I have no idea what was said exactly, except I remember thinking that I thought he might cry, and that it was oddly how the X puts his arms on my shoulders when he's about to kiss me.
The next thing I know the boss takes my chin his hands and is pulling/leaning in for a kiss. He got the corner of my lips because I was trying my hardest to turn my face and give him a cheek.
What makes it horrible and akward was because it wasn't my last day. I was just telling him that I was planning on leaving. It wasn't like he was saying good-bye.
I keep trying to consider it a fatherly gesture. He always took that mentoring attitude. I used to get highly upset when he'd call me the "baby -my professional title." Because I was a fledgling I guess. And he likes to call my dancing "Slam Dancing" when I've told him on numerous occasion that it's ballroom, social, or partner dancing and that slam dancing is something utterly and completely different. The hard part about putting the kiss into the fatherly category is that it creeped me out, it reminded me of my x-boyfriend's behavior, and the boss had (and still does) make other kind of akward comments/gestures about my body. At first I thought he was just conserned about my weight or making fun of the fact that my clothes didn't really fit due to losing alot of weight. Once he lifted up my shirt - just an inch or so. I thought that he had seen my navel ring and was making some pointed remark about it despite the fact that I've had it for 8 years - but no he said he checking to see what I was holding my pants up with. Only, those particular pants weren't too big for me.
My sisters-in-law say that my stepdad has kissed them on the lips when he says good-bye. He's old too.
Could there actually be some ring of truth to the "dirty old man" stereo-type.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Thursday Return
I went out dancing last night. Just like the first time it was a last minute decision. I wasn't going to go because the club was closing early for a private party. But in the end I figured a short night was probably the best bet for getting back into the swing of things.
The group was small and there were alot of people I know go there who didn't show up. I did run into a few people I knew tho, including CF. He was trying to get me to say why I hand't been around. He said he missed dancing with me.
I ended up getting hit on by like 3 different guys - one new guy, one guy who came early for the private party, and the guy at the drive through I stopped at later. That's how good of a mood I was in. I actually stopped for fast food. Totally forgetting my promise to myself not to have any fast food until X-mas. I'm going to have to push it back to new years now.
I thought about J maybe twice. He crossed my mind once at the beginning of the night I was just wondering if he'd show up. I don't think he goes there, but I'm not really sure.
I found out about another workshop weekend coming up and the first thing I did was check my work schedule and try to arrange some time off. It wasn't until later I thought, crap, what if it turns out like March with J and BMG there? However it turns out, I am just glad to be getting back to something that makes me happy.
The group was small and there were alot of people I know go there who didn't show up. I did run into a few people I knew tho, including CF. He was trying to get me to say why I hand't been around. He said he missed dancing with me.
I ended up getting hit on by like 3 different guys - one new guy, one guy who came early for the private party, and the guy at the drive through I stopped at later. That's how good of a mood I was in. I actually stopped for fast food. Totally forgetting my promise to myself not to have any fast food until X-mas. I'm going to have to push it back to new years now.
I thought about J maybe twice. He crossed my mind once at the beginning of the night I was just wondering if he'd show up. I don't think he goes there, but I'm not really sure.
I found out about another workshop weekend coming up and the first thing I did was check my work schedule and try to arrange some time off. It wasn't until later I thought, crap, what if it turns out like March with J and BMG there? However it turns out, I am just glad to be getting back to something that makes me happy.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Hereos, X-men, the X
I went over to the X's to watch Heros again (it's turning into X-men with out the tights, Linderman = Magneto; Peter = Cyclops; etc, etc. I'm just waiting to see who's gonna be their version of Prof. X)
I wasn't going to go over tonight. I was going to go back to my Monday night dacne lesson. I haven't been since before my birthday. I got the "Dancing with the Stars Cardio Dance" DVD from the library. Maybe it was work-out endorphins, but I got the urge to go back to my dance lessons. But when I thought of it I had forgotten that Hereos is on at the same time.
I used to be a much worse TV junkie than I am now. So I knew that I wouldn't be too bad off if I had to tape it at home with a fuzzy reception. But the X even volunteered to tape it for me for me to watch later. In the end I went over and skipped dance. I figure there are only a few weeks left in the show, and the X will be moving in just a couple of months. The dance studio isn't going anywhere.
On the other hand I feel like I'm regressing. Choosing him over something I wanted to do. Part of it was nerves at going back to class to. Much like getting up the courage to go the first time. The part of me that wouldn't go to dances or clubs alone is back. I don't like that part of me.
But It was a good night. I had no bones about it - I knew that if I went tonight or later in the week, I was going over there to have sex. The X even called me out on it. When I said I might not come over, but would go to class instead - he said that I was just afraid that we'd end up having sex again. I responded that it wasn't that I thought we would, I knew we would. He found that funny.
It was good this time though - no tears. The X says that it's great and that it's because he really cares about me. He also told me that he used me as an excuse to say no to a girl who asked him out recently. He said he was dating someone and even told her my name! That has me a little worried. And that he pouted when I said I wasn't spending the night.
I know that the reason I'm with him is because he does care about me. It is a quick fix on making myself feel better. I just think that if we're not careful one or both of us is going to get hurt.
I wasn't going to go over tonight. I was going to go back to my Monday night dacne lesson. I haven't been since before my birthday. I got the "Dancing with the Stars Cardio Dance" DVD from the library. Maybe it was work-out endorphins, but I got the urge to go back to my dance lessons. But when I thought of it I had forgotten that Hereos is on at the same time.
I used to be a much worse TV junkie than I am now. So I knew that I wouldn't be too bad off if I had to tape it at home with a fuzzy reception. But the X even volunteered to tape it for me for me to watch later. In the end I went over and skipped dance. I figure there are only a few weeks left in the show, and the X will be moving in just a couple of months. The dance studio isn't going anywhere.
On the other hand I feel like I'm regressing. Choosing him over something I wanted to do. Part of it was nerves at going back to class to. Much like getting up the courage to go the first time. The part of me that wouldn't go to dances or clubs alone is back. I don't like that part of me.
But It was a good night. I had no bones about it - I knew that if I went tonight or later in the week, I was going over there to have sex. The X even called me out on it. When I said I might not come over, but would go to class instead - he said that I was just afraid that we'd end up having sex again. I responded that it wasn't that I thought we would, I knew we would. He found that funny.
It was good this time though - no tears. The X says that it's great and that it's because he really cares about me. He also told me that he used me as an excuse to say no to a girl who asked him out recently. He said he was dating someone and even told her my name! That has me a little worried. And that he pouted when I said I wasn't spending the night.
I know that the reason I'm with him is because he does care about me. It is a quick fix on making myself feel better. I just think that if we're not careful one or both of us is going to get hurt.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Un-Happy Cinco de Mayo
What a crappy ass day. Seriously. I went from all the good things I like about me to the suckiest day off ever.
I was supposed to celebrate Cinco de Mayo with a girlfriend this afternoon at a restaurant/bar that was having dancing and then a contest (which I was planning on just watching). But she IMs me and says she can't go she's been invited to Las Vegas. Yeah, how do you compare bar watching your friend dance to getting it on with a sugar daddy in Las Vegas. Because, trust me, that's what's happening.
I had mentioned that I was doing this to the X and said he could come along too. He'd never been there, but it's a sports bar so he was game. Until yesterday when he says he's staying home to watch sports.
So I'm left with no dancing. I considered going alone and if I hadn't over slept I would have at least gone for the dancing, but by the time I looked up from my comfy spot on the couch it was too late, the contest had begun and I wasn't going to go alone just to watch. That's just sad.
So I work out instead and I'm feeling pretty good about myself, post a blog and the X calls. The games gonna be over in a couple hours if I want to get together. Sure I say, I'll head out to his neck of the woods to do some errands when the game is over call me and we'll go drink Margaritas.
I get a call while I'm shopping and it's not to tell me that the game is over, it's to say that his Mom called and she and his sister on their way to meet him for dinner. Nice suprise for him, not so much for me becuase he says they're making a stop at an outlet store then they are coming over and when he's done he'll call me. Which while that did happen, it happened four and a half hours later. I was already at home. I wasn't about to head back out to where I had already been so I could drink margaritas and he could have a booty call.
I get it. Really I do. We only had tentative plans all day and it is is his family. If we were going out, yeah I'd be invited, but how do you explain bringing your ex-girlfriend out with your mom and sister?
I am just so sick of counting on people only to be utterly disapointed by them. I don't understand how I can just not matter to people. Am I that insignificant? Am I that unworthy of a little consideration? What is it about me that screams to people "over-look this girl; take her for granted; walk all over her"? What have I done to deserve this loneliness and so much fucking unhappiness?
I was supposed to celebrate Cinco de Mayo with a girlfriend this afternoon at a restaurant/bar that was having dancing and then a contest (which I was planning on just watching). But she IMs me and says she can't go she's been invited to Las Vegas. Yeah, how do you compare bar watching your friend dance to getting it on with a sugar daddy in Las Vegas. Because, trust me, that's what's happening.
I had mentioned that I was doing this to the X and said he could come along too. He'd never been there, but it's a sports bar so he was game. Until yesterday when he says he's staying home to watch sports.
So I'm left with no dancing. I considered going alone and if I hadn't over slept I would have at least gone for the dancing, but by the time I looked up from my comfy spot on the couch it was too late, the contest had begun and I wasn't going to go alone just to watch. That's just sad.
So I work out instead and I'm feeling pretty good about myself, post a blog and the X calls. The games gonna be over in a couple hours if I want to get together. Sure I say, I'll head out to his neck of the woods to do some errands when the game is over call me and we'll go drink Margaritas.
I get a call while I'm shopping and it's not to tell me that the game is over, it's to say that his Mom called and she and his sister on their way to meet him for dinner. Nice suprise for him, not so much for me becuase he says they're making a stop at an outlet store then they are coming over and when he's done he'll call me. Which while that did happen, it happened four and a half hours later. I was already at home. I wasn't about to head back out to where I had already been so I could drink margaritas and he could have a booty call.
I get it. Really I do. We only had tentative plans all day and it is is his family. If we were going out, yeah I'd be invited, but how do you explain bringing your ex-girlfriend out with your mom and sister?
I am just so sick of counting on people only to be utterly disapointed by them. I don't understand how I can just not matter to people. Am I that insignificant? Am I that unworthy of a little consideration? What is it about me that screams to people "over-look this girl; take her for granted; walk all over her"? What have I done to deserve this loneliness and so much fucking unhappiness?
Saturday Secrets
I love looking at my own body. Sometimes I actually turn myself on. This isn't to say that I'm completely conceited and in love with myself. It's more accurately the opposite. And I have major girl hangups about my body - like my saddlebags, or that my butt's to flat and wide, or that I could use a little more boobage. But that doesn't stop me from spending a long time staring at myself in the mirror. Depending on my mood that day I'm admiring the parts I like or flagilating myself for my flaws.
Today started out as flaws day and turned into the good-parts. So here are some of my favorite parts of me:
1) nothing but shear gloss on this picture.
Today started out as flaws day and turned into the good-parts. So here are some of my favorite parts of me:
1) nothing but shear gloss on this picture.
2)Working out pays off. I have those wonderful cuts showing off deltoid and tricept to, but can't get a good photo of it.
3)My hair - it's a little longer right now and this is about as curly as it gets. Today is more of a wavy day, but it still rocks. I pride myself on knowing how to take care of it. (A bit of my tattoo in the picture - I like that too - but it's hard taking a picture of your back.)
4)Weird but true, I think a well defined collar bone is sexy on a woman. And I like that despite being slim, my sternum isn't showing and you can't see my ribcage.
5) Sometimes I'm even okay with these. The XX once said that they're perfect - that was before I lost alot of weight (most of it from my boobs). Occasionally though I do see his point. It helps that every bra I own has padding - I believe it to be a shear impossibility to find an A cup bra with out it. I don't believe they exist.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Why I hate Management and Why I need a new Job
You got to love a job where they tell you a procedure until you've broken it. Or how you don't learn how to do something right until after you've done it wrong.
Today I find out that my dance instructor won't be paid for the program on the night of because the P.O. needs to be put in a month in advanced. Nice.
How many times did I ask about performance contracts? How many times did I ask what to do with the contract after it was signed? In all those questions why did it never occur to my many superiors to tell that it needs to be in a month in advanced?
Now I'm POed. My instructor will get paid. It will be mailed next week. But it makes me look like an idiot. Granted I can think of a few things I could have done to make sure that this didn't happen. But at the same time, I couldn't get a final price until I knew the # of people coming.
Arrrghhhh: the current sound of frustration.
Today I find out that my dance instructor won't be paid for the program on the night of because the P.O. needs to be put in a month in advanced. Nice.
How many times did I ask about performance contracts? How many times did I ask what to do with the contract after it was signed? In all those questions why did it never occur to my many superiors to tell that it needs to be in a month in advanced?
Now I'm POed. My instructor will get paid. It will be mailed next week. But it makes me look like an idiot. Granted I can think of a few things I could have done to make sure that this didn't happen. But at the same time, I couldn't get a final price until I knew the # of people coming.
Arrrghhhh: the current sound of frustration.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
This never happened to me before
So I had a date with the X to watch Hereos because it is a feakin' awesome show and I get horrible reception. I figured it would be like last time where we watch some tv, do it on his couch, I doze off for a bit and then go home.
Well, his roommate was home so that meant we had to go to his room. Not a good thing becuase I just kept having flash backs of J. Like when he pulled my shirt away from my neck to kiss me there. J used to do the exact same thing. I remember the way he did that he last time we were together at my place. It was all down hill from there. I actually ended up crying--crying--in the middle. Not super sobbing or anything but tears started rolling down my face. I tried to hide it by putting my face to his chest. I think X took it as something good, that he was doing something right. Not that he wasn't, not really. It was just struck me that I was not where I wanted to be just then. And then afterward later it happened again. I was lying there and the next thing I know these tears just start rolling out my eyes. The X didn't mention it. I'm sure he thinks it has more to do with the fact that he's moving in 2 months, but I haven't talked to him about it.
Clearly this using one guy to get over another is not working.
I am going to have to talk to the X soon. We got to figure out what the hell we are doing here. I don't want to have talks about following him because he thinks we are back together.
Damn, have I stepped in it this time.
Well, his roommate was home so that meant we had to go to his room. Not a good thing becuase I just kept having flash backs of J. Like when he pulled my shirt away from my neck to kiss me there. J used to do the exact same thing. I remember the way he did that he last time we were together at my place. It was all down hill from there. I actually ended up crying--crying--in the middle. Not super sobbing or anything but tears started rolling down my face. I tried to hide it by putting my face to his chest. I think X took it as something good, that he was doing something right. Not that he wasn't, not really. It was just struck me that I was not where I wanted to be just then. And then afterward later it happened again. I was lying there and the next thing I know these tears just start rolling out my eyes. The X didn't mention it. I'm sure he thinks it has more to do with the fact that he's moving in 2 months, but I haven't talked to him about it.
Clearly this using one guy to get over another is not working.
I am going to have to talk to the X soon. We got to figure out what the hell we are doing here. I don't want to have talks about following him because he thinks we are back together.
Damn, have I stepped in it this time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
