Conscience and Karmic Retribution

I spent the evening with the X. We watched the season finale of Heroes and he burned a copy of my Harry Potter audio book. I got to thinking about the scene in the book when Harry watches Snapes worst memory. A 15 year old James Potter hexes a 15 year old Snape and hangs him upside down for all to see and laugh at his underpants. When Lily Evans asks James, what's he ever done to you, James responds "It's nothing he's done, so much as the fact that he exists." I always felt bad for Snape during this scene, even though he lashes out at Lily afterward I can see why.

So thinking of that I became very ashamed of myself.

I have held up BMG for ridicule for no other reason that that she exists, that someone I liked liked her more - so what? that's called life. And she didn't look at me and say hey I'm going to steal your some-times-lover from you. I call myself the better person, and yet I'm just another cyber-bully. The fact that it is anonymous and done behind her back doesn't really excuse it. It is nothing more than my petty need for reassurance. That doesn't make me better than her it makes me so much worse.

She doesn't deserve to be bashed by me on my blog and I am vowing that from now on I am discontinuing it.

When I was in 5th grade my best friend at the time and I decided that we didn't like a girl in our class. She was geeky and akward looking. She only played at recess with another boy that nobody liked. Why we felt the need to do worse, I don't know. In some sort of Sweet-Valley-Twins-esque plot we first tried to befriend her. We tried to convince her that all sorts of things that were not "cool" really were. This was around the time of the first Batman movie so we said things like wearing green and purple was really cool. I totally remember her saying "but I've already bought black clothes." I don't think she ever really took our lame advice. Then we started to leave nasty notes in her desk at school. I think we managed one. I remember seeing her one morning with the note in her hand just having taken it out of her desk and looking around the room with a really hurt expression.

To our credit we stopped pretty quickly. I was pretty sure we go caught. My best friend at the time couldn't slip a note into the desk so she dropped by the girls bg as she walked by. The girl noticed and really really hurt asked my friend if she was the one doing it. I couldn't leave my friend hanging out to dry so I stepped up and said somebody asked us to do it. Yeah, I'm not sure how that one was believed. I am sure that I am blocking out a whole bunch of ugly punishments.

What I do remember is her sad looks and hurt I caused a girl who's only crime was to be akward.

I stopped being friends with that "best friend" a year later when we moved up to middle school. And that's when Karma took hold. I truely believe that what we put out in the world will come back to us and more. I was cruel to a girl who didn't deserve it and so much worse was done to me the following year. For some people high school is hell. For me it was 6th grade. I was teased, harassed, and bullied. I had one friend and no one else spoke to me unless it was to say something nasty. I ended up changing schools and things got better. But for a while I knew, and then some, what I had put that girl through the year before.

I should have learned my lesson when I was 11. But obviously I hadn't. I just hope that this time Karma doesn't come kicking my ass again.