Saturday Secrets

I don't think that J will be at the social tomorrow. I checked the pictures and video of the April one that I skipped and I didn't see him, even in the background.

I remember that from last summer too. He came to a couple and then didn't for months and months. I read back on my blog to that summer and I wondered if him coming wasn't a way to "reassure" me - to keep me hanging on or something. Because things were starting to cool by August. It makes me wonder if he and BMG were having anything, if he hasn't gotten tired of her already too.

Secretly though, I keep going over possible things that I want him to say to me if he's there.

"Sorry" tops the list because it's easiest to respond to. But, what I want to hear most from him is "I miss you." And it's the one thing I have absolutely no response for. "oh that's nice" "I'm sorry to hear that" "really, I couldn't tell." Mostly though my brain just goes "huh? what?" when I imagine it. Probably that's the rational part trying to let me know how completely impossible that is. Even if he were to say it, it would only mean "I miss being able to call you up for sex every once in a great while when I'm horny and all my other conquests are busy."

That could be a responce: "When you say you miss me are you saying you miss my engaging company or you miss being able to call me for casual sex once every six weeks because you've got half an hour to kill and all your other girls are busy?"

But that sounds a little bitter. If I ever run into him again, I don't want to sound angry or bitter. I wish I could some how come off from the emails declaring my feelings and portray the perfect picture of casulness. As if he was blip on the radar screen of my love life and I have already picked up moved on and never given him a second thought.