Sunday, August 31, 2008

I really need something else to do

I was trolling around facebook today.

I found

1) a photo album of JB's wedding.
2) a friend of J's from the city he visited who is engaged to someone else.

Color me confused

Saturday, August 30, 2008

If you're gonna play in the mud

Went out with OG on Friday. It was either another friday alone at the movies, or going to see her and J dance. So I went with going out with her. I really should have gone to the movies.

I was hanging out at the bar with J's Brother. I think we got on the topic of the labor day weekend and plans. An outdoor festival was my plan, until OG asked me to do the saturday night show with her because J had friends in town and needed the night off. So that became my plan instead. JB then said that yes, this girl that J's dating, his other brother and his girlfriend, and the parents were all coming over to JB's house for the long weekend.

Yep, the girl that J's dating, the one he was picking up from the airport that night, the one that he couldn't bring out on saturday, the one from the same state he visited over the 4th of July weekend, the same one he cheated on two weeks ago by having sex with me.

Now, I remember a good bit of our hot tub conversations, and while I do recall a mention of a girl "I used to date" and a girl "I dated" but I am 100% positive that there was never a mention of a current girlfriend.

OG and I invited JB out for coffee with us when we left. He was going to join us, but half way there calls and says he can't he's got to go pick up J and his "lady friend" at the airport, because J illegally parked and was towed. At which point I responded "wow, what a great impression to make when you're picking up your girlfriend, welcome to The City, oh, I have no car." I was not corrected in the use of the word girlfriend.

Now, the pros of this situation are 1) I can stop thinking J is a kid in a candy store when it comes to sex and women and remind myself that he really is a player, and 2) I will never trust the guy again and 3) will never sleep with the guy again, and 4) can honestly say that my need to perform with him is quickly being engulfed by red hot seething hatred and 5) maybe I'm being cured of my ridiculous obsession.

I try to keep reminding myself, that unlike some people I know (B) I didn't intentionally cheat on anybody. I didn't look at J with a girlfriend and say, I want me some of that. In my mind he wouldn't have slept with me if he was in a relationship, but then I have ethics. I keep forgetting that some people don't. I feel so bad for this girl who flew out for a long weekend with her boyfriend and his family, and has no idea what a douche bag he really is. And the fact that I was put in the situation of having helped hurt her (if she ever finds out) makes me furious.

At the same time, JB continues to pursue me. He was asking OG if he was my type. He asked me if I had dated his brother (hmm...date? not exactly). Of course knowing his brother, he's got to know what "kinda sorta" really means. The sad part is, his brother is extremely nice. I've heard of these stories (like the airport) where he helps out J so many times. But I'm afraid I'd only go out with him to upset J. Three days ago I would have said to make J jealous, but now I know better. J did take JB aside and told him to stop flirting with me and OG. Except, deep down I know I'm a good person and I'd never do that to a nice guy.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Groupie

There was a dance night at a local casino last night. I went knowing some other dancers were also going to be there. OG, J, and another couple were performing there as well. J got the job and it was for two couples so he invited his other dance partner, and another guy. They were there to dance on the dance floor to get people interested and then to dance with other people to. So it was more interactive and not a straight performance.

The night started pretty fun. There were dancers there. During some of the club music there weren't many people dancing so I got to do a samba with J. But later the band wasn't great. They played some really bad songs right when OG, J and the other two went to take their break and change. Which meant there was almost nobody dancing. Most of the real dancers left at that point. When the band took a break they started playing clubbing music and there were alot more people on the floor - which was fun for all of three songs.

When the band came back I mostly got to stand around. I ended up with two dances, one with J and one with the other performer. Then both me and my ride wanted to go. So we left. We ended up leaving the same time as OG, J and the other couple. We were waiting for an elevator when J invited us to continue partying - apparently the casino gave them hotel rooms to change in and somehow got to keep them for the night. My ride didn't want to, but I ended up staying 'cuz OG said she'd give me a ride home.

The plan was to eat drink, and maybe go back to OG's for the hottub, or just drink in one of the rooms. But J had forgotten a dr. appointment he had at 8am. So we ended up just getting food. The other guy called it a night before the food even, so it was just J and three girls. The other dance partner was quite nice. The two of them are obviously good friends. Turns out they work at a dance studio together.

But at the beginning and the very end of the night talk was on performing. The casino wants to repeat the night once a month, but the night starts before the other dance partner gets off of work at the studio. J just said she's have to be all hooched out and ready to go and just be half an hour late. At the end of the evening he was setting up dates for them to perform with him, and it was very awkward feeling. Here I am dying to do more shows of any kind and he'd rather have this girl show up late than ask me to do it.

So I'm sitting there feeling like a stupid wannabe. It's like the groupies that can't be musicians so they just hang around them all the time. That's me. Since nobody actually wants to perform with me I guess I'll just sit next to the real performers and seethe inwardly with jealousy.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

An Interesting evening part 2 What happens in the hot tub stays in the hot tub

We pinky swore, so I can't reveal what others said, but I can talk about the crazy hours in the hot tub, and the crazy hours after the hot tub.

If I can figure out where to begin.

We got in the hot tub - OG lent me a swim suit, she had another, and J went commando. That in itself would have been a decent end to the night, but it kept getting more and more surreal. OG took her top off, so I did too. Then she got us wine, and after the wine tequila. And we started playing a weird game of truth.

Like I said we pinky swore that what was said that night would stay there, but I think I safely share a couple of tidbits. I was kind of surprised that J's craziest moment was actually a time that we were together. I actually admitted to starving myself when J asked for something no one else knows. It was really illuminating for me to hang out with J like that. To hear from him all of these different sex-capades. I always figured he was a player, but now I realize he's just a slut.

We eventually got way to warm in the hot tub, got out and started dancing on the patio. J, naked, and us topless. Eventually J and I ended up making out and OG left us to it. Needless to say we ended up doing it on her patio. I can't believe how much of I have missed being with him, sexually I mean. The only weird thing was J wanting OG to watch. I think he wanted her to take of care herself while we did it. But she wasn't having any of that and went inside until we were done.

We got back in the hot tub for a bit, but it was getting light out and OG was afraid her parents would get up so, we got out and went to breakfast. We were a little obnoxious and took lots of pictures. The truth continued a little bit more. A second pinky swear made sure that what was said at the diner table stayed between us. B came up at one point, B and her BF, but OG very carefully deflected the conversation. But I think if we ever hang out like this again sometime, I might have to bring it up. J's Brother (JsB)came up in conversation. Apparently he did ask J about me last night, and J's response was that we had gone a couple of times. Probably the most diplomatic of answers, if not the most truthful. I feel a little bad about the JsB situation. He's so nice, and alot more stable than J is, but it makes me wonder how many girls he loses to his brother.

OG and J had to work at 10am, but it was only like 7am, but couldn't go back to her house. We ended up parking the car lowering the back seats (I have a hatchback now) and cuddling - or making a puppy pile as I call it - and sleeping. Well, mostly sleeping. At some point J, started groping me, and he had a huge hard on, so I started groping him, and the next thing I know, we're doing it (ah the memories) and OG has to move up to the front seat to avoid us. I'm smiling thinking about, but at the same time I'm pretty appalled, and will officially have to change my answer to "what's the craziest thing you've ever done?"

After that we drove back, dropped OG off, and left. They went to work, and I got into a car accident (yes, with my new car!) trying to get to a quickstep lesson. That's Karma for you. Apparently my car does not like being used as a sex-mobile and told me so by making me pay out the wazoo for repairs and the ticket.

Oddly, it was a majorly fun night. And I think that it went a long way to putting to rest all my issues about J. Seeing him as he really is not as how I think he is or how I want him to be or how he was when he was getting in my pants. I think was the first step to being comfortable with him as a friend. Who would have thought?

An Interesting evening part 1 - Dance Dance

Other Girl (OG)decided she wanted to go check out her performing competition at J's club last night and wanted me to go along. The plan was to go shopping - a boutique was having a sale and I need new work clothes - then we'd get ready, eat there, watch them dance and dance a little ourselves.

At first I told her I'd go shopping, but not out after. I figured I needed to stop seeing J all together. I hd been toying with the idea of asking him to practice with me, in the hopes that proximity would get all the feelings out of me. But in the end I figured I'd just steer clear of him all together. I was particularly upset when the last couple of shows that OG bailed on he didn't ask me to fill in. Even tho she suggested he call me. It's like, why doesn't he want to dance with me? On top of that I've been thinking alot about NG lately. So I was expecting to be pretty miserable if I did go.

She ended up calling him and telling him that we were coming even tho she wasn't dancing - I still could have opted out, but I had the brilliant idea of inviting Frenchy. Thinking him paying me alot of attention and then I'd have someone to dance with too since J doesn't really ask me that much.

But Frenchy said he couldn't make it. He said he was "on-call" for 3 or 4 days and couldn't go out. But I'm not sure I believe him. He was really nice on the phone 'cuz I was calling him, until I invited him and then he suddenly had to go. I think I may have spooked him. Until now we've only really hung out at his place and had sex. We played raquettball once.

So I was pretty bummed to start out the evening but cheered up after finding some cute clothes. And decided to go with her and make the most of it.

We got there and started talking to J's brother. He's quite the flirt, but I don't usually think much of it. But then OG says he's asked about me before and at some point in the evening he asked me out. I tried to play it off, hoping he wasn't serious. He just asked me if I was seeing someone, and I said kind of. Because I don't really know what's up with me and Frenchy. I'm kind of seeing him, but we're not really dating.

OG checked out her "competition" that is J's other dance partner. They are on par with each other. OG is younger and cuter where as this girl was more obviously sexy, she wore a very short skirt, a top that kept riding up and she definitely knows how to body roll. I feel a little better after seeing her in knowing why J would call her to fill in for OG and not me. But I'm close, very close. I feel bad sometimes wanting OG to move on to better things so I can have her spot there. But I do wish it.

I bet OG earlier in the night that J wouldn't ask me to dance, I bet her in escelating amounts that he wouldn't ask me for one dance, more than one dance, and a romantic dance. He ended up asking me for the romantic dance. So now I owe OG $20. I even danced with his brother, and he asked me to teach him a few moves. At the end of the night J even asked me to foxtrot with him when sinatra closed down the dance floor.

After that I invited the brothers for coffee. So we went out for another drink instead. The talk turned to dancing and eventually the brother left. I felt really bad because I had wanted him to be included. I tried to sit between him and J so that I could keep him in the conversation, but OG got there first.

We had some good conversation, even though his brother got left out. I mentioned that I have his job now. He thought it was great. I talked about doing lifts and more ballroom stuff. We talked about performing and while OG and J don't think that SOG treats me fair, I got to make my point that I have no other outlet for performing. It's him or nothing. It was a subtle hint for J that I want to perform more.

After that OG invited J back to her place (she drove and my car was at her house) for a soak in the hot tub. We got there around 3am and were in the hot tub until about 6 am.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Paranoia

I was so upset yesterday by the "I shouldn't have texted him" panic, that I didn't even do my grocery shopping at that store. Since it's only a mile from my home, I immediately turned around and went home.

Last night I spent at Frenchy's and on the way home I decided I ought to stop and pick up the rest of my groceries.

I'm reading "The Great American Detox Diet" by Alex Jamieson. She's the wife of Morgan Spurlock and wrote the book after people kept asking her about the diet she put him on after he finished eating McDonalds 24/7 for Supersize Me. I am currently eliminating sugar from my diet and my system. Most of my staple foods have sugar in them, not to mention all the sweets I like. But salsa, pasta sauce, enchilada sauce, salad dressing, bread, wheat tortillas, gum, mints. They all have sugar in some form or another. Eventually I will put back in honey, and some of the less obvious forms of sugar like evaporated cane juice. But I'm saying goodbye to high fructose corn syrup, and sugar if it's too high on the ingredients list. This also means I'm off of alcohol for the time being, but I'll probably go back to wine and beer eventually too.

Anyway, I'm super paranoid about going anywhere near this shopping center. It was 12:30 by the time I got there and parked. I notice a Pontiac in the row next to me and freak out. Re-park. Go in buy my stuff (found a salsa with no sugar!) and come out. I drive by the pontiac again, but it's not his.

I'm starting to feel like a stalker just by living here.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Power of the Mind

So, obviously I've been thinking alot about NG since I found out he has a girlfriend now. To top it off he works not that far from where I live since I moved back to my mom's house. I realized it on the way back from a dance lesson, I pass his work every time I go to and from my private lesson. (blech)

I was out and about early this afternoon - One-ish. And I'm thinking of NG, 'cuz monday when we were going out was his evening shift, he didn't go in until 1pm. My grocery store is basically across the street from his work. There are also some restaurants, anyway, it's going through my mind how it's a good thing I'm on a ridiculously strict diet right now, or I could just start trolling the restaurants around lunch time each day until I run into him. But I'm thinking how I don't want to run into him. I've been going over senarios in my head and I usually end up being very mean.

Anyway, I'm driving into my grocery store and who do I drive right by? NG.

I recongized his car and then his licence plate - he has an alumni plate from our mutual alma mater.

I made the mistake of texting him. It's funny because if it were the X, it would have been a total no brainer. We got along so well after some time had passed. That I would email or text him when I thought of stuff he'd like or if I saw him randomly.

But as soon as I sent it, I thought "what am I doing?" NG's not the X, NG didn't stay friends with me. NG was friendly the week after, had one more conversation with me in May, and has never returned an email.

Not to mention - how much more stalker-like can it get than: Hey, were you driving down main st at 2pm today, after leaving the grocery store parking lot? Cuz I totally saw you there!! LOL

Okay - that's not what I said, but close enough.

He did respond - just asking what I was doing in the area, and I've got nothing from my responce.

I'm deleting his number from my phone. I just can't have this happen ever again. If I had done that in the first place then this never would have happened.

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Joining the ranks of employed persons

So after after months of not having a job, and not really looking very hard for one, I am about to become employed again. Yay me!

Two weeks ago wednesday I had an interview and recieved a phone call. The interview is for a part time position in my profession, and the phone call was about a dance instruction job. J's old job, and the class that I first attented two years ago at my gym. I don't know if his availability got so low that they replaced him, or if he got so busy he quit. But either way, the student has become the master!! Mwahahahaha.

I still have not heard back from the interview, however, last wednesday I got an email from a professor at the local community college asking if I wanted to become an adjunct and teach English Composition. I put in an application about a year ago when I found out I was going to get booted out of my job, in a different department. But I do have a masters degree in writing so they must have filed my app in more than one place (or possibly misfiled it, who knows). The email went out to a number of people, but I got mine about 3 hours after it was sent and immediately said yes.

So as of September 3 I will actually be employed at least part time. And I am going to call on the other interview, because I should be the only one being considered as I had inside information and as far as I know the job was never posted. A friend left the position, and her boss doesn't want to interview 100 qualified applicants. So when she left the job, I applied and the job was never posted as being open. I think the boss is a bit of a procastinator so I just need to call and remind her that I'm still waiting.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Why I should stay off the internet

NG is in a relationship. He changed his myspace status. I haven't thought about him in a long time, I have this French guy who I've seen on a few occasions who is really nice to me, and yet here I am crying.

I feel even more stupid for holding on to the feeling that he'd come to his senses. That after some months had gone by we'd be at a club and he'd ask me out again, that things would go well the second time. I guess all my excuses for why he broke up with me were wrong. He just didn't want me.
 
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