Thursday, December 17, 2009

The List

Other than being his girlfriend, (yep, it's official somewhere around Labor Day it became inevitable) I want:

To cook more meals with him

To stay in on a weekend DAY and play games or watch TV
It turns out that this is something we've started doing on regular basis :)

Spend to days or nights in a row together
Also happening on a regular basis now. MM seems to understand that I like hearing from him and will often call "just to check in." It's rare now not to hear from him for more than a day at a time. And if I don't it's usually school related.

Go to a wine tasting
Did that one too! He got us tickets for a paired meal where each course (except dessert) came with a different glass of wine. This ended up being on our Anniversary too.

Take a cooking class

Play a game of scrabble - we played one online game, but I am still determined to play a real game at some point.

Meet his family - The one one I haven't met is his brother who lives across the country. But X-mas is in a week and we are picking the brother up from the airport.

Have him meet mine - he hasn't met my mother, but she's planning a post-X-mas dinner in January partly for that purpose. But he's met my father, brother and sister-in-law that all live near by.

Go home with him for Fourth of July - Yep, he did indeed invite me and I did go, despite mucho drama associated.

Meet more of his friends - He had some college buds in town before Thanksgiving and then I went with him to celebrate with friends for Turkey Day.

Have him come to one of my shows - shows? what shows? SoG keeps saying the team will practice, but so far, it hasn't happened.

Tell him I love him - Labor Day weekend he went away for a wedding I wasn't invited to. I was particularly pissed off. We had a "state of the union" in which he told me that he does love me. It took about another week for him to say it outside of an argument and I got to say "I love you too." Oddly enough, I am finding it difficult to bust out with the random I love you. Though sometimes it spills out when on the phone or leaving him. The other night I was half asleep and at some point before dozing off completely I told him I love him. So... it has definitely been done.

Find out when and why he didn't marry his X - yeah, so we had that discussion too. Round about the time I was having issues with NG he was breaking up with his evil X.

Find out what he's doing for my birthday - he got me flowers and that's it. He never did get us tickets for anything.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I give up

So, here I am again venting about my teaching job. The smart ass in class I was angry with last month for openly challenging me plagiarized parts of his paper.

I am literally shaking, I am so angry right now. I wish I could quit this job. And I am angry with myself for even trying it again after how miserable I was last year.

The idea of going into that classroom tomorrow makes we want to cry with futility and anger.

I am disgusted with my students right now. Utterly disgusted.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

What am I doing?

This fall I took the job of teaching at a community college again. Why do I do it to myself? Last year when I did this I hated it most of the time. By the third week, I despised a good number of my students and I put in only enough effort to make sure they learned what I was testing them on. Some students did get better at the writing process. And 79% of them when evaluating me said they'd recommend me to a friend. That's pretty impressive since I can think of 6 out of 50 that I would care to ever have another conversation with.

So, here I am again. Half way through fall semester and hating it... again. Granted it took me this long, so that is some improvement, but I dread going. I put off planning. And I just don't want to do it anymore.

First of all I have a student who cheated. That student received a zero. Now I'm getting email bitching because they dropped the class. Why? My syllabus is clear about the consequences of these types of actions and I did not drop the student from the class. Two weeks later I'm receiving emails filled with attitude and bile. I really want to email back and say look on the bright side of dropping 1) you have an easier semester, 2) you can retake the class with a different instructor and 3) the next time you cheat, maybe that instructor will be too stupid to notice and you'll get away with it.

Something tells me that an email like that would not go over well.

The cheater had a friend in class who academically is not doing well. Since that friend no longer has the cheater to pal around with, they've attached themselves to another academically challenged student. One who has missed nearly half of the course and who gives me attitude at every turn.

I don't expect every student to like me. That's fine. But to openly challenge me in my classroom is not fine. Especially from someone who is barely scraping by with a passing grade.

I get that I look alot younger than I am. Most of these kids think I'm close to their age. But A) I'm older, and B) I have two masters degrees which give me the expertise to teach this class. To be questioned by these punks is infuriating.

The worst part too is that it makes me go into the classroom already braced for a stand off. I try not to let is show if I don't like somebody, but I am sure that the students can tell from my energy and attitude.

They are already asking me to teach another class in the winter, I am just dreading it. Granted when things go well, I enjoy it. I enjoy being in front of people and "performing" well. But I don't like these students, their attitudes, or their apathy at their own learning.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Looking back, What was I thinking??

So, the Jack Ass got married about a week ago. This is the girl he started dating while (I thought) he was dating me.

In hindsight I realize what dating really is. In hindsight the Jack Ass and I went on a couple of dates, but it never got out of the "friends zone." I had never really done any dating before that because the XX and I had just fallen into a relationship.

Looking back now I kind of wonder what I was thinking. Sure, I am having those sadness pangs of "he picked her" variety. But, when I look at pictures I can't help but think, really? I used to call him "Hot R---"?

I compare that to what I have with MM and realize that I'm not missing anything.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Guilt of the Soulless

Two weeks ago today I was putting my cat to sleep. I was called at work after I had dropped her off at the vet for exploratory surgery and told that the most humane thing I could do for her was to let her go.

Since then I've cried alot. Any night I wasn't with MM I cried myself to sleep. The only times I wasn't morosely sad was when I was with him. I felt immense sorrow, but also guilt. I keep thinking that I should have done something sooner (though she'd be gone sooner), that I should have spent more time at home with her, that I wasn't a good "mom."

It's said that a cat is the soul of a home. And I felt soulless. I made up errands and spent hours out of the house just so that I wouldn't go home to it empty. Every single time I opened the garage door I would feel my throat swell, and my eyes get wet. By the time I was in the house I headed for the bed and sobbed. I am heart broken with out her.

On saturday I was at my local humane shelter. I'd been going to different ones since tuesday because I found all of the cats comforting. I didn't want to be ready to adopt another one. Adopting another cat would just mean that I didn't love Babette as much as I did. And yet, I left on saturday with two kittens.

Now I feel guilty, not only about abandoning the memory of the cat I had for 13+ years, but I adopted to adorable kittens and not a full grown cat or two who areless likely to be adopted. I always said I was going to find the ugliest, least likely to be taken home cat and adopt him/her after I lost mine. But instead I am taking care of two 1 1/2 pound balls of fluff.

I keep asking myself what I was thinking? What did I get myself into? One has a URI and needs medicine daily and though separated it seems as though the other has caught it because she's sneezing. I fear that I am going to have gotten them only to lose them as well.

Spending time with them keeps me distracted. It gets me going home again. I cleaned the entire kitchen, master suite and den. Not only for them, but because they required so much care that I couldn't go to MM's for the day I had to have him come to me. He was entirely supportive of my grief and let me stay over often. He was gone over the weekend, and I wonder if that didn't have something to do with my spontaneous decision. Ever since our talk and the party at his parents we seem to be closer. Because he was out of town not only did I have the extra time to go looking for a cat, but I was missing the companionship.

But now I have them. Feeling guilty or not, I am responsible for these little guys. I hope that I do right by them.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

A Cat Story pt3

Due to the pervading theory put forth by my mother, that Babette had been abused (most likely by a man) it was forever impossible to discipline or chastise her for fear of traumatizing her further. Consequently, Babette had the run of the house. By this, I mean she was allowed on all of the furniture, the desks, counter tops, tables (including the kitchen) and once in a while managed to make it to the window ledges too.

Babette was a great "helper" around the house, but mostly with paper work. Homework, bills, any thing that involved sitting at the table and writing she wanted in on. Usually this "help" began with laying across the table. Eventually she wanted to be more involved and would pounce on what ever paper work I was working on or just start to shred it with her teeth. This also including laying out sewing patterns - something about the crinkle of tissue paper that was like catnip to her ears. If extensive writing were involved Babette would "help" by taking hold of your pen or pencil. Typically all of this extraordinary usefulness would wear her out and in the end she'd make a fantastic 10 pound paper weight by stretching full length across the work thereby ensuring that a) the work was all finished and b) it wouldn't go anywhere while I succumbed to ear and chin scratching.

Helping mom clean up is hard work for any cat!


Eventually I did have to go off to college. I didn't go more than a 45 minute drive away so I saw Babette some weekends and on every holiday. Though she would curl up with my mom while I was gone, she always new that I was her human and came back to my bed while I was home. At some point when I was away she began becoming more and more of a baby.

Babette was always a little vocal. She spent her first evening in our home meowing into every corner of every room in the house. But when I came home from college she began begging for food too. Not just at the dinner table, where she would reach up to my chair and attempt, by patting my leg, to get you to give her a taste I happened to be eating. It wasn't enough that she had a food tower that kept her bowl perpetually full and a pet drinking fountain that circulated and filtered water, she began wanting to be pet before every meal. I would walk over to her food dish, she would follow and sit right in front of it. For many years this would be enough, but eventually she would sit, look up at me look at the food dish, look at me, and meow a little if I didn't reach down to pet her.

The same went for breakfast as well. Babette was a master at waking me or my mother up in the morning. My mother was a light sleeper and a light touch when it came to taking Babette to the kitchen in the morning, but if I was home I got the added benefit of being woken up at 5am to sound of the my cat tossing things off of my desk or dresser. If that didn't work she would find something noisy (like a bag or piece of paper) and beginning to play with or chew on it. Her last resort was to come right up to the pillow and bop me on the nose with her paw.

I admit there were mornings where I kicked her out of my room (not literally) I just let her outside and then shut the door. I also admit there are only a few times I can remember doing this, because as I say, Babette was a vocal kitty. She could stand outside of a door and cry for hours, especially when she new for a fact that I was on the other side of it. She also knew how to knock.

After a few months of living with us we discovered that Babette had not been spayed. I discovered Babette was in heat when I woke up to a pitiful crying kitty kneading her paws on my chest, as I by virtue of being her human mom could help her. We took her to the vet to be fixed and at the same time my mother had her declawed (I know... not the most humane of options, however, it was be declawed so she didn't ruin my mother's furniture or find her a nice cage at the Humane Society). She ended up staying the vets for a full weekend. We dropped her off on the way out of town to visit my newborn nephew and picked her up on the way home. When we got her back her little front paws were kind of sore. She had dissolving stitches so we didn't have to take her back to the vet - but in the mean time she developed the habit of sitting in Statue pose with one paw held up. She would periodically switch which paw, but it was a habit she held with varying frequency the rest of her life. But in this way she also learned how to knock on a door, or even push one open if she needed to get to me.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

A Cat Story pt 2

When she was first found this kitten didn't seem like an abandoned animal. She was clean and well fed (no bones sticking out) and her claws were clipped. My mother was convinced that someone was missing this cat. For the next week we placed ads in local papers and walked around neighborhoods near the school asking if people were missing or knew of someone missing a small gray cat. After awhile we stopped knocking on doors, and the ads were never answered. My mother had to concede that she was not stealing anyone's beloved pet and she was welcome to become our beloved pet.

We needed to settle on a name for her. I was leaning toward something romantic and knightly like Galahad before getting to know her and realizing that she was an exceptionally prissy cat. Maybe it was her finicky eating habits, or the dainty way she held her tail as she ran, but there was something that was girlish she needed an appropriate name. I toyed with Genivieve and Guieniver, even Precious crossed my mind. But shortly after adopting her a friend and I went to see the stage production of Beauty and the Beast based on the Disney cartoon. In watching the charming romance between Lumiere, the candalabra, and the sexy feather duster, I came up with my new cat's name. Babette. In one word it summed up her sweet yet exacting nature (and it shortens to "Baby" perfectly).

My mother decided that Babette had been fouly abused as a kitten before being abandoned on high school property. The favorite imagined scenario was that some husband or boyfriend took a disliking to the cat and got rid of her before coming home and comforting his sad significant other. Our only evidence of this was Babette's extreme misandry. The moment she sniffed out a human male in the vicinity she turned into a hissing spitting growling force of nature.

If she hated any man in particular it would have been my father. To this day I can't tell you why because he did nothing to harm her, and had always been a cat person himself. His only comfort was that while she hated him, he was not alone in her contempt. My brothers were no exception. Even visiting men like dates were not immune. As she got older she became slightly more tolerant and by tolerant I mean she would approach a person, let them pet her, sniff them and if that whiff of human pheramone was male she hissed, growled, swatted and if pressed, bit. Sometimes I wondered if she didn't enjoy lulling them into a false sense of security with her big green eyes and soft fur.


"You have to come closer so I can smell you!"
the baby Babette


The only exception I ever witnessed to her hatred of men was my mother's second husband. She seemed to accept him into our family almost immediately. Perhaps because my parents divorced the summer before I went to study abroad, for 2 years my mother lived in our large suburban home alone with Babette. I can only imagine that Babette not only liked having a second warm body to snuggle between when I was not at home, but she knew that my mom needed more than feline companionship and wasn't going to stand in the way.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

A Cat Story Pt 1

Just over fourteen years ago a young cat was abandoned at my high school during a soccer game. She was found in the equipment shed the next morning. She was fed, clean, and claws clipped. An announcement was made during second hour (Junior year English - American Lit) asking for the owner to claim the kitten and take her home. No one came forward. The next announcement came asking for interested students who would like to adopt the cat to obtain parents permission first and to collect her at the end of the day.

My mother has always been allergic to cats, although we did have them when I was very young. Once the last one died before I was six we didn't have anymore. I have always been a cat lover. At lunch time with the instance of my friends that I "needed" a cat and with out ever laying eyes on this one, from a pay phone I called my mother at work telling the front office that it was emergency. I told her that it would be sent to the humane society and put to sleep if someone didn't take it home. I was given permission to put my name at the very bottom of the list of volunteers and if no one else could possibly take this cat, then and only then could it come home with me.

All day I waited to find out what would happen. Then at the end of the day while I was waiting for my ride in the "homework room" (the after hours waiting area for those of us unlucky enough to drive our own cars, but not unfortunate enough to take the bus) I was called to the library (of all places) to get the cat.

It turned out that after the last bell my friends stood at strategic points outside of the school office and told all of the inquiring kids that I was already taking the cat home with me. In that way I ended up moving quickly to the top of the list.

The "kitten" that they had described on the phone ended up being a 6 month old cat. A common american short hair cat, grey striped, and very vocal. She wandered all over the library meowing at just about everything.

Prime real estate for chasing balls down the hallway or grabbing ankles.

We put her food and litter in the laundry room. (Later her food was moved to the kitchen so she could eat with us). That night my parents had plans to go out, I was supposed to go to a church meeting, but was told that I had to stay home with the cat. She spent a good portion of the after noon wandering around the house calling (for who I don't know - another cat, her old owners, who knows). That night I lay on the couch reading and she stretched herself across my tummy - a position she never again adopted.

After the first few days she figured out where the litter box was, stopped having accidents on the way there, and stopped sleeping on top of the dryer in the laundry room. She quickly took to sleeping on my bed at the foot or in the crook of my knees a habit she kept for the next fourteen years.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

A "NO" by any other means is still a "NO"

Two weeks after interviewing for a full time job at another campus of where I already work and not hearing anything I emailed them. I know that I should have called last week, but I got to worked up about it.

Anyway, they don't want me. But said that I could apply to any other positions.... umm... if I'm not mistaken that was the only one open. Unless she's trying to tell me that she's leaving soon... but if she didn't want to hire me to work under her so....

I'm just saying, it's one thing to be polite and encouraging and it's another to encourage some to do the impossible.... like apply for non existent jobs.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things"

MM and I finally had our talk.

He invited me to his family's party and then I found out that he was leaving early and riding down on his motorcycle. I found all of this out as we were sitting with friends of his. MM offered to come back the night before the party and pick me up. What he didn't tell me was that the night before is "guys" night w/ his dad, his dad's friends, and his friends drinking and smoking cigars.

Eventually we came up with the plan that he would ride down on his motorcycle early in the week and then I would drive his truck down to his parents so that he could load it up with stuff. The same day we decide this he talks to his mom who didn't realize MM was planning on coming down so early in the week and had assumed that since he had class Wed nights he wouldn't be down until the Thursday before. That night after we had figured things out and then he talks to his mom, MM tells me that he has decided to take the motorcycle down on Tuesday, come back for class on Wed and then take the truck himself on Thursday. At which point I got severely ticked off.

Now, obviously, whatever I drive there and back I am driving alone, so what's the big deal if it's his truck or my car. It's not the gas 'cuz I'd fill his truck myself anyway. It might be the miles on my car, but I doubt it. MM made this point - I was not upset about the car so what was I so upset about?

I was upset that he invited me in a manner that suggested I was a guest like no other, never told me that I was not going with him (until I commented on his remark to his friend), and then didn't seem to care that we made a plan that I was finally happy with. I'm pissed with him for buying a new climbing harness for a trip to South America with his guy friends over his birthday, but hasn't bothered to get a second helmet for me to ride his motorcycle with him. I told him that I was feeling like an afterthought. Like I was not really at all important to him.

Our talk started off with him apologizing and saying he'd try harder. But he also said that he was intentionally keeping me at arms length. He says he can't make me any promises. I was pretty upset, not because I'm expecting a ring and marriage (or even want that right now), but because the way he said that makes me wonder if he plans on ever getting close to me and allowing me to get close to him. He talked about my "timeline" saying that he understands of if it doesn't match his. Huh? did my boyfriend just say he'd understand if I wanted to break up with him because he wants to move slower?

Nothing got resolved. I cried some. Asked alot of questions. I woke up the next morning feeling like shit. I still can't figure it out. He's asked me to come to this family party, he told me he would try harder to make me not feel like an after thought. He said he was sorry about his thoughtless comment re: you should look for jobs out of state. I have to get better about speaking up - I should have said something right then, but thought his comment was symptomatic of something bigger. And yet he said more than once that he is keeping me at arms length on purpose because of his past and because he gets too close to people too quickly.

I asked him how he feels about me which was "I care about you" and then a whole load of compliments. I also asked him if this was a serious relationship for him and he said yes, but again he couldn't guarantee me anything. He said he's not dating anyone else, but I already knew that and it doesn't really mean anything to me at this point anyway. Just because he's not dating someone else doesn't mean that I'm not just a weigh station before finding someone he does want to make promises too. Although he claims to not be 'broken' when I said that I didn't want to be the girl that fixes him for someone else, despite the fact that he blames this 'arms length' on being burned in the past.

So all that was really accomplished is that my suspicions were confirmed. He has a toe in the water, but isn't ready to get wet.

The only question is how long do I spend waiting him out before finally giving up?

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Insomnia

So, I was unable to sleep last night. I was trying to make a dent organizing my bedroom after coming home from the movies (17 Again = way funnier than I thought it would be) and ended up going to bed at midnight even though I knew I had to be up at 6:45 (7:15 after multiple snoozes). MM had called me at 10:40 to see if I would come over, since he's pretty booked over the weekend. He said that if I come to his families party I'd probably meet his brother. Once again he said, IF I come. When he invited me he said this too. "IF you come you might want to bring support." I'm beginning to wonder if he wants me there at all. I don't want to go if he's going to drop me off at this party and say "see you later, have fun." I know he'll have to play "host" considering his family is throwing the thing, but I would think I'd see him some time during the day/night. I keep thinking that I won't take anyone. I mean the person I bring, won't know anyone but me so then I'd be playing babysitter. And if I have a friend I'll be less likely to try to mingle with his friends and family. So in an effort to force myself to be friendly I think I'm going to brave it alone. In preparation for this I checked out "How to win friends and influence people" from the library. (Yeah, I'm a dork)

Between this and the fact that I was notified that the recent job I applied for would like to telephone interview me, I was trying organize materials for my adjunct teaching job, and I have a Spanish test on Friday I was very agitated. I went to bed at midnight and tossed until 2:30, I fell asleep sometime after that, only to be woken at 5 by birds outside my window. Then I tossed some more until my alarm went off at 6:15, then 6:45, then 7:15. Finally at 7:30 I heard my mother banging around in the kitchen and I knew I'd be late to work.

I am thinking I am going to call in sick at my second job today. I can't see teaching people to dance and trying to be perky during aerobics when all I want to do is lie down and sleep. I know when I don't eat before teaching I have a tendency to get irritated with my students if they don't listen or take too long to grasp something. On the other hand I really want to work out. I have managed to come down a few pounds from the weight I gained this fall, but it's not down where I was last summer. I really want to loose at least 5 more pounds if not 8 or 10. But I can't do that if I don't work out. If I could stop stopping at Dunkin' Donuts for an Egg & cheese sandwich on tuesdays and thursdays I'd lose it too. I manged to go with out last week and this tuesday, but today I left so late and I needed to eat breakfast at least.

I have a stack of clothes from last summer that I can't fit into currently - or at least I don't think that I look good stuffing myself into them. I am terribly concerned about impressing MM's friends and family. Now that he's so aware of how they felt about his X (his father said "I told you so" when it didn't work out), he might listen a little more to them which means, they need to like me.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Weekend Away

A friend of MM's got married over the weekend. They were college friends - she belonged to a sorority that his fraternity often hung out/partied etc with - contrary to most assumptions they never dated. But they were such good friends that the family considers MM one of their own.

It was a little awkward at first considering everyone he knew was in the wedding party or family. The reception was fairly casual (but still extremely nice) and there were no assigned seats and we literally had no one to sit with. We got lost between our hotel and the reception and got there late. We ended up sitting with some of the bride's co-workers who were from out of town and didn't know anyone else. They were very friendly.

The food was not great for me. Being a vegetarian my choices were salad, over done vegetables, rolls, and dessert. Everyone else got potatoes (w/ bacon), chicken and beef tips. I'm kind of surprised that I didn't get more drunk considering how little I ate at dinner.

MM and I got up to dance the first song after the bridal dances were done - apparently we dance well together :) because the next time I went for a drink both bartenders were talking about what a good dancer I was. After that people really watched us on the dance floor. At one point MM made us sit down because the mother of the bride was telling her daughter to move out of the way so she could watch us (oops!). I even went up to an older family member (I believe on the groom's side) and asked him to dance, because he looked like he knew what he was doing. MM took that opportunity to go back to the bar. The bartender was even more impressed. From then I got totally hooked up on drinks. He totally over poured and added extra shots to my drinks.

While chatting to the bride's father about 1/2 way through the evening, MM invited the family (including bride and groom) to the MM family's big summer party. I was wondering if I'd get invited or if he'd make some excuse for not wanting to bring me because apparently it's his whole family, plus about 400 guests. A little while later he did invite me. Said his parents send an actual invite which he just got. MM said he'd love for me to come, but that I might want to bring a friend because he won't be available the whole time. That reads to me - "I want you to come, but I don't want to babysit you the whole time." He said I could hang out with his friends but that I Still want to bring "support." Apparently this is from prior experience, but I'm guessing the evil x probably gave him hell for not spending every minute with her.

When the reception was winding down we were chatting to the family. The mother of the bride told MM that I was winner and he better hang on to me :)! MM confided that in private they were talking and the mother admitted that she thought his x was a hag.

In between the wedding and reception we went to have a light lunch and check into our hotel. We talked a little about how I don't like hearing about the evil x. I rarely mention my exes to MM. If I do I use the very vague "friend" reference. I told him that I don't like thinking about him with other girls, so why would I want to put that image in his head about me.

What I really want to tell him is that when he talks about her I wonder 3 things...
1) if we end up exes will he speak badly of me to the next girl? What doesn't seem bad now might later on.
2) if he's really over her? Sure he ended the relationship because she was crazy, jealous, and overly materialistic (she didn't think her ring was big enough to impress anyone). But maybe he's not over the fact that this person he loved let him down in someway.
and 3)it just reminds me that he loved someone enough to ask her to marry him (even though he didn't go through with it) and I'm not 100% sure how he feels about me.

We danced at the reception to "More than Words" and another song I can't remember right now, but it also had the words I love you in it. He sang along. Now, I'm not going so far as to think he was saying "I love you," but it'd be as close as either of us have gotten. When he's busy he can go a few days with out calling. But if he has a particularly bad day he'll usually want to see me. He called me "stress free" company during his first set of finals in April.

On Sunday we went to brunch on the river front - which was incredibly pleasant. Funnily we ran into one of his co-workers even though we were out of town. We came home watched High Fidelity. Then he did homework and I went dancing.

All in all it was a fun weekend. I especially liked that I got his friend's family's approval just because I was reasonably friendly and a good dancer.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Kismet

It’s hard for me to believe in the idea that everything happens for a reason, that certain things/ events are just meant to be. Particularly because I have a hard time believing that there is a omniscient puppet master in the sky. I believe in free will not predestination. But recent occurrences in my life are starting to at least make me at least believe in serendipity.
MM went to live and work in Europe. He was supposed to be there for three years. After three months he decides to come back and propose to his girlfriend. Eventually he decides that he can’t marry her and they break up. His company doesn’t send him back to Europe.

Fast forward to OG’s birthday week: I don’t want to go out with her that Thursday and I know that if it were any other occasion I could probably bail on her, but not her birthday. So I go looking for a quiet night and end up meeting MM. Only the second guy I’ve met in a bar who’s phone calls I actually took, and the very first that I actually went on a date with. If he hadn't of come back for the awful x, or if I had decided to stay home and watch the VP candidate debates, we never would've met.

I recently applied for a job at my alma mater – a very big, very good, very famous university – knowing that I didn’t have a very good chance of getting the job there. But I managed to get my hopes up, forgetting that they would probably have hundreds of applicants. And I was rejected.

Yesterday I come to work and our clerk tells me that another campus of our College is hiring a full time position. They had just had a position open a few months ago, but I hadn’t been working here long enough to feel comfortable going for it. Now it’s been opened externally as well. Again, there will be a lot of applicants, but there is the added bonus of already working for the college.

I hate to get my hopes up again. But the deadline for the application is this Monday. My boss is coming in today (after a long weekend – gone fri and mon) and I need to talk to her about the possibility of me applying for this job. I’ve only been here for 9 months and when I applied I said I wanted a part-time position so that I could balance it with other things and opportunities. I have too, besides my dancing (which sadly has declined) I managed to teach English, aerobics, and dance and learn Spanish. That is going to be one of the down sides to leaving here. The upside being not having to drive around all the time. Another downside is that that my interests are really in line with my duties here and I don’t know if that will be the case at the new campus. But I really want to cut my commute and get my own place. I have been living at my mother’s house since the April 2008 (5 months after I left my previous job). Now, she’s telling me there is the possibility of my aunt selling her house and moving in with us. My mother’s husband already gives the vibe of not approving of my nights away; my aunt is super conservative (my step-dad is not) and won’t keep her mouth shut on that topic.

\I turned 30 this year. I need to get out on my own. I want to live by myself. I want to decorate my own space. :::sigh::: the boss should be here soon and I am suddenly getting very nervous.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Going through the Emotions

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not happier outside of a relationship than in one.

Now, I know this wasn't true in college, because I was extremely depressed and had never been in a relationship. But in the past few years, I remember the time between the X and MM, even if you want to count NG (although not really a relationship). I just have this happy when I'm with him, miserable when I'm not mentality. It's almost bi-polar.

Although, I did have a small fight with MM recently. We were in the shower a week ago before going to breakfast and we got to talking about me being a vegetarian and how I'm not down with the dairy industry either. Neither of these things are news to him. But he was teasing me about believing propaganda because I had told him one of the reasons I dislike dairy and wish to give up cheese is because dairy cows are repeatedly artificially inseminated in order to continue milk production. Their bodies are over taxed and what nutrients they do consume goes into their milk and the growing calf. A normal cow's life span would be 20-25 years, but on a dairy farm (the factory farm - not the personal kind) it lives 3-5. He also had bones about the word "inhumane" and what it really means. (He claims that like woman a cow will continue to make milk as long as it is milked, but sadly that's not true)

I eventually got fed up - for one thing he was wrong which is proved by a non-animal rights agricultural article and the dictionary - for another I was tired, still wobbly from morning sex, with very low blood sugar (having not eaten since dinner the night before), and if I'm being totally honest, probably a little hormonal. At any rate, I got fed up, turned my back to him, turned the water off said I'm done and that he needed to get out, stop talking to me and leave me alone. I actually started to cry when he wouldn't leave me alone.

Now, he felt bad. He was teasing - although, I think that stems from deep repressed lack of respect for my vegetarian stance - he says that he does respect me, but that he's still going to push my buttons. And he says he'll still try to get me to eat meat. And he did apologize and tell me that I need to just smack him in the face and tell him to shut it when he goes to far.

The previous day we had been to the video store to get movies, I suggested "Holiday" (with Kate Winslet and Jack Black) and he did pick it up, then said that he thought he already owned it. But I had never seen it. Turns out his x has it - borrowed and never returned - and that he had bought it for the same reason - she wanted to see it. So I put it back. He said not to get worked up that everyone has a past. Again, I wasn't thinking clearly or I would have come up with a quick witted comment (like, and they need to stay there). Instead I just looked like I was being stupidly jealous.

Today he went with me too a bbq - he was the buffer for awkwardness that I really needed - on the way home we passed a ridiculously expensive restaurant. One that costs about $150-200 per person when you're done. He said he'd been there because he'd gotten tasting tickets for $125 that came with wine pairings. I had a feeling that this was going to end up being an x story. I was right. He prefaces with: I know you don't like stories with the x, but this is one you might like. (huh? what part of this am I supposed to like? Just because in it she acts like a jealous bitch (knew that already) and the punch line is that other people tell him that he can do better and the ladies love him. The funny part is he's told me this story before!

I don't know, I'm starting to amass a list of "need to talk about with MM" topics. He makes it seem like it's no big deal to talk about x's. He thinks it's silly to change an X into a "friend" in stories you tell your new SO. I personally think it makes a lot of sense. First of all what is the difference if a character in your story is the friend or the gf? Does it change the information I learn about you? Sure, it doesn't work in the "you can do better" story, but for the most part does it matter if a friend or boyfriend tried to teach to play golf - the point of the story is that I have a set of seldom used clubs and it would be fun to go out and give it another try. This is not what I said at the time.

He hasn't been calling me as much during the week as he used to. Once he asked why I hadn't called him, and I said that as the girl it wasn't my job. He said that it's a two way street. Once again I didn't say what I wanted to - mostly because I can't think of these things at the time.

I don't understand why my brain will not work when I am around him.

I am also getting a little worried about my moods. Generally my PMS doesn't start a whole week before my period. Generally when I've been on the pill I never really got PMS. I never used to notice PMS at all really. Until recently anyway. Now I just feel miserable. Not crampy, bloated miserable - but mood-wise. My freebie state insurance for women (since I don't get any work benefits) will not give me another check up until September. So in the meantime I'm stuck with these mood swings that I don't understand at all.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Ignorance is bliss

MM and I are going strong. Although, I have yet to have "the talk" with him. I seem to do well and accept our relationship as is for a couple of months and then freak out for a few weeks.

We went on a double date with OG and her boyfriend. We went to a restaurant that has dancing - the same place that J works. But I haven't laid eyes on J or had a conversation longer than "can you do a lesson this weekend? Good I'll mail you a check." About half way there MM and I start talking about jobs.

I work part time at a private college, and I also teach two fitness classes at a gym. If you don't count commuting I work 35 hours a week. Although with the drive I sometimes end up with 12 hour days. I also take a language class for four hours once a week. But my shift at the college is only 6 1/2 hours long (w/ lunch). MM works a 40+ hour week and goes to school twice a week for his MBA. Needless to say he's a bit sarcastic about my "difficult" schedule.

Getting a full time job in my field, however, is not easy. My state has one of the worst unemployment rates in the country, and there are two universities with in 40 miles of each other pumping out graduates in my profession. There is another school one state over and a fourth two states over. Funding is being cut at a ridiculous rate for my field, making it economical to hire part-time workers to save the cost of benefits.

Anyway - in defending my part time work situation to MM a few weeks ago, I mentioned this current hiring environment. To which he says, that if I need to look out of state for a job then I decide where I want to live and start applying for jobs.

Hmmm... did I miss something or did my boyfriend just tell me to leave town?

The evening was pretty much a bust, but I really couldn't bring myself to tell him why. MM accuses me of being passive aggressive, although I think I was the first person to mention it because when he came back from his New Years jaunt, I turned my phone off. But the more I consider it, the more I realize, I'm not passive aggressive, so much as I'm terrified of talking about my emotions. Or at least my "bad" ones. I am more than willing to tell him how happy I am, but the minute I'm unhappy I clam up and wait for the feeling to pass.

I know exactly why I do it too. Pretending that everything is wonderful is exactly what I grew up learning to do. No matter how much my parents fought, or my siblings and I fought, no matter what kind of trouble we got into at home, we were always the happy family with no problems of any kind. I heard on more than one occasion from my mother when we were out together that my siblings and I had "never caused me a day of grief in my life." Now maybe that's just a mother's hyperbole because my mother loved us. But it was an impossible standard to live up to and all it taught is is that everyone must see a perfect family regardless of what else was going on. Happy feelings were the only ones that mattered and all the others were ignored.


Despite the fact that my rational brain is screaming to share to tell him what is wrong so that it can be fixed. I am sure that he didn't literally mean to leave and get a job elsewhere so much as being supportive. He knows my part-time job is a dead end job with no potential for upward mobility. But I can't do it. The fear that there is even a small possibility that MM doesn't consider this relationship a long term one with real commitment possibilities just overwhelms me. If I don't ask, if I don't say, it hurts to me think that you wouldn't mind if I left town, or to say you know, I'm not really sure how you feel about me, then I can't hear the answer I don't want. If I never hear the answer I don't want then I can pretend that everything is okay.
I just know from previous experience with the X and the XX that I am more than likely blissfully waiting around to get my heart broken.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Wants list

Other than being his girlfriend, I want:

To cook more meals with him

To stay in on a weekend DAY and play games or watch TV

Spend to days or nights in a row together

Go to a wine tasting

Take a cooking class

Play a game of scrabble

Meet his family

Have him meet mine

Go home with him for Fourth of July

Meet more of his friends

Have him come to one of my shows

Tell him I love him

Find out when and why he didn't marry his X

Find out what he's doing for my birthday

Cowardly Lion

So a month later and I am still in the same boat. I had wanted to have some kind of "talk" with MM about our relationship. I just can't help thinking that I will hear something I don't want.

Our Valentine's great. He got me flowers and tickets to the theater, I got him booze. We cooked together, we ate, played a game, made love your typical V-day date.

The week after that we went to the theater. It was a fun time. I had found vintage looking dress and looked so good we had an impromptu photo shoot at the end of the night. He's going to try to make them look antique-y. I haven't seen them yet, although a few days later he texted me saying that I looked "stunning" in them.

He left for a long weekend over his spring break, came back for one night, and left on a business trip the next day. The night he was home we were supposed to hang and at the last minute he invited me to meet his bosses (the owner of his company and the head of the North American division - it's a small company even tho it's international). We went to a jazz club and had a drink with them. I mostly talked to the owner, and tried to be charming and appropriately flirtatious.

We went out when he got back on Friday to see a late show of The Watchmen and soaked in the hottub with OG afterwards. In the morning we had breakfast at a local diner. He spent the day watching movies and I went home to do laundry etc. I had a show that night and invited him (against my better judgment knowing he'd say no). He called asking how upset I'd be if he didn't come. I basically said that I invited him knowing full well that he wouldn't come. I was supposed to have a show the saturday he went for spring break. I had set it up especially so he could come and asked him well in advanced to put it on his calendar. But on Valentine's Day he asked if he could miss it because he wanted to visit this friend over spring break who had just had colon cancer surgery. The fact that he wouldn't come out this saturday because of the drive was extremely disapointing. I told him I'd eventually stop inviting him, and he replied not to give up on him yet.

The problem is that I am starting to give up. As much as I want to have this be a real relationship I have absolutely no clue how he feels. Since then I have not heard from him (it's tuesday) other than 3 lines of FB chat that I initiated and one text that I also initiated. Isn't he supposed to be calling me if he's thinking about me?

I had hoped to ask him to come out with my brother and sister-in-law this weekend, but if he doesn't call me I don't see how that's going to be possible. I know that I have to stop driving myself crazy trying to figure this guy out. I know that I can't just let go and let it take it's course. I keep trying to figure out ways of having the relationship talk ways of bringing it up and have yet to be able to do it. I've missed at least two good opportunities.

There are things I was looking forward to doing with him which is one of the reasons I keep waiting, but I find myself getting more and more emotional about it. I chicken out sometimes because I am afraid of the answer. I don't want to break up with him. But I can't make myself an emotional wreck either. I keep hoping that with time he'll make it clear to me and I'm afraid that he is with his apathy. I realized last night when I was thinking about our early dates, that he probably already has told me. On our second date I went over to his place and he made dinner we watched some tv and made out. He said that we'd go as far as I wanted but he'd try to get me into bed. At one point I made a joke that I wouldn't want to do anything that wouldn't make me respect him in the morning. And he said, if you don't respect me in the morning or ever call me again that'd be okay (or something to that effect). I didn't sleep with him for a couple of more weeks, but the point is what if that is the reality of the situation? What if even 5 months later, I'm just a fun girl to hang out with and have sex with? What if I ask to be his girlfriend and he says no?

I bought this card off of Etsy.com I don't know exactly what I'm going to say in it yet. Or if I'll even get to use it really. I really want to have the talk with him now. I am supposed to be near his place to study with OG (I'm taking a foreign language class this semester instead of teaching). I am hoping that he calls me today so that I can go over there after studying and over a glass of wine simply ask him "How do you feel about me?" to try to get the ball rolling. I just get really nervous when I think about it.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Freak Out

MM and I have been going out for four months. OG has twice now called him my boyfriend which has garnered her a couple of odd looks and his facebook page (which he joined 2 months after we started dating) lists his status as "single."

Last night we were talking and it came out that he's been engaged before. He still has the ring. He was living abroad, picked it out (spent quite a while finding it apparently), and cut his stay short to come back for her.

Now, obviously he's not with her. But, I had been wondering why he keeps mentioning his ex. Usually in a this-is-why-it-didn't-work-out kind of a way, although once in a while he'd throw out some strange detail. I have never met anyone who talked about exes or an ex except in passing. The X did some, but I swear every second or 3rd date MM says, "you know how I know that? The ex" or "and the reason it didn't work out with" or once he was mentioning how the ex had known of someone giving away pool table and didn't tell him about it because he would've wanted it.

So I am now freaking out. It's been four months and he's not owning up to being my boyfriend even though in all his actions he IS my boyfriend. I'm just afraid that I'm on my way to getting hurt.

We have plans for Valentine's Day and the next two weekends, but I am thinking that that may be it. I hate the idea of "games" but I have read He's Just Not That Into You (saw the movie too). And I think it's pretty clear.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Unsure not insecure

I'm starting to get a little depressed about my MM situation. I haven't seen him more than a week. He has been good about calling every couple of days. This is the second weekend in a row that he hasn't asked me what my plans are even though he did call to say hi on Wednesday.

Last weekend I had to go out of town. I was pretty sure I had told him that I was leaving on Friday. He called on Friday and seemed surprised that I was out of town. A) I said I was leaving and B) It was Friday. Either he wanted to go out at the last minute or he was just calling to say hi on a Friday night. We did end up talking for awhile. Then on Saturday as I attempted to drive home through a snowstorm he called again to see if I'd gotten in okay or stopped to wait out the storm. That I did think was pretty nice.

But the weekend is here again and nothing from him.

I see this petering out. If he doesn't get his act together and start making plans with me ahead of time I'm going to have to move on.

I would love to chalk it up to him thinking I've been wooed and he doesn't need to do anything anymore. But he recently joined Facebook and he's listed as Single. If he's still single then I'm still single and he better start re-wooing or he's not going to have somebody to woo at all.

Valentine's Day is in less than a month. I've had multiple invites to go out of town for a dancing event. I was putting it off because I figured that MM and I would be pretty close by now. But it seems like we're farther apart than ever. I'm considering going away for V-Day. Unless he makes some kind of effort between now and then. I don't see this happening.

I feel like I shoulder some blame. The last time I saw him was last week. He texted me while I was at a friend's house not far from him. So I called back and when he knew where I was asked if I wanted to sleep at his place instead of going home. And the time I saw him before NYE he called me early Sunday hoping to see me, but I already had plans so I went over afterward. Other than the after-NYE make up date, we haven't had a real date in awhile. I hate to think I've become a glorified booty-call.

I'm not going to break up with him, but I'm beginning to think he's not going to end up my boyfriend either.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

And then I begin to think he might really care

So, even before I went out with MM last night I had decided against having the "serious" talk with him. Not because I wanted to get him serious but because I wanted to know if he thought we were serious or not. But either way, I thought it might scare him off if he thought this was moving faster than he liked.

He called me after work to double check we could get together, then after he was done at the gym to tell me he was done. I ended up going over there for dinner. He cooked, I made a salad when I got there. In the end it was extremely nice. MM was super touchy and affectionate taking any opportunity when he was near me to give me a kiss, or a hug, or just touch me as he moved from one end of the kitchen to the other.

He chatted about his trip a little bit. At my new years party there was a guy there who had lived in Germany for about half of his life there, another very good friend of mine went there to learn the language, and her ex was born there. But we never really brought up the argument again. It was nice to talk to him about his experiences there since they are important to him.

We both had to work today and be up early so he had said that I could bring clothes over so that I wouldn't have to get up so early and leave. That, and he gave me a toothbrush. When we went to bed he apologized again for being in-communicado.

All in all it was really sweet the little ways he tried to make it up to me, without saying, I'm trying to make this up to you.

In the morning we overslept and left together, only to discover that I had locked my keys in my car the night before. Someone in the same parking garage had a flat tire so we asked the towing guy if he could also open up my car. Which he did about 1/2 an hour later. I was an hour late to work, but MM stayed with me, let me sit in his car w/ the heat on, bought me a coffee and paid the guy for opening my door.

And instead of putting me in a bad mood for the morning it has made me super-duper happy.

Monday, January 05, 2009

gibt es etwas über mich?

I really want to know what about me tells guys to go ahead and walk all over me? Or perhaps I just put my feelings on the line to much, too quickly, too easily.

Things had been going really well with Martini Man. In early December he even came to my office Holiday Party. We exchanged gifts at X-mas (although that was mostly up to me because at thanksgiving I came across a great gift and had to get it for him). But then he tells me he's going to be out of town for New Years Eve. He had planned with his buddies a trip to New York City. I was understandably bummed. I thought we had made it to the boyfriend/girlfriend stage already. But I'm beginning to re-think that now.

He was out of town for Christmas with his family and came back for one day before going to New York. It was a Sunday, and even though I had a dance to go to, I did see him afterward. Said good bye on Monday when I went to work, with him saying he'd at least call on NYE. I did text him on Tuesday to let him know I was using his X-mas gift (bath salts) to which I got no reply. At one am on NYE I gave up waiting for my phone call. The next morning I did have a Happy New Years text - sent at 3am. Then I never heard from him. He had told me that he'd be back Friday or Saturday, I wasn't really betting on Friday and by Saturday afternoon I turned my telephone off. This is something I never do. I hate the fact that if a call comes in when my phone is off if they don't leave a message I never know they called. But I didn't want to be tempted to constantly check my phone, or pick up just because I missed him. Then at 8 o'clock I went dancing.

At 12:30 I checked and he'd called when he got home: "figured I'd give you a shout and see what you're up to." I was up to ignoring you!!! So I texted back "was out dancing, call me sunday."

Apparently his first clue that I was pissed was my phone going straight to voicemail. He knows I don't like turning my phone off, and apparently my texts come across warmer than the "cold" one I'd sent telling him to call me. I knew he'd have an excuse for why he was unable to call me, but I wasn't expecting the one I got.

He was in Germany.

Yeah, that's right, at the last minute he decided to go to Germany to visit friends there instead of NYC with the buddies he'd originally made the plans with.

I was flabbergasted. He knew he'd screwed up and asked what he could do to make it up to me. But I don't think he got the extent to which I was hurt during his trip.
After we talked on the phone, I still don't think he really got it. I texted him to let him know that I was hurt, that I wanted to feel important to him, and like I could trust him and that he'd basically lied to me and ignored me for a week. The funny thing is, I wouldn't have been as hurt if I'd known he was in Germany, because then I'd have understood why he wasn't calling. I even understand why he'd want to go there. I spent so much time being depressed when I got back from the UK; I would totally would have understood if he'd said, change of plans I'm headed to Germany. I would have said here's my address I want a postcard. He said he was sorry he hurt me and that I shouldn't have to feel that way. I did tell him that I wasn't available to see him that night. I didn't know when he was getting home so I had made weekend plans and I went out dancing Sunday too.

Of course, this opens up a whole new can of worms. It makes me wonder if he even thinks of us as being in a relationship, or if this is just casual dating to him. And if this is something that he does on a normal basis, goes off with out telling people where he's going or calling while he's gone, then maybe deep down he really wants to be single.

So, I'm supposed to see him tomorrow. He starts classes after work tonight for an MBA program. I was so excited about him coming home; I had a back to school surprise him because he hasn't been in classes in at least 5 years. I was even planning on a cute and funny first day of school text, but now I don't want to put my feelings anymore out there until I know what's going on. I know that on Tuesday I'm going to have to have the "relationship" talk with him. I'm petrified that it's going to be a break up talk. I don't want to break up with him, but I don't ever want to go through something like that. Thinking the person you're dating isn't thinking about you? I don't know if boys are just totally clueless or what?
 
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