Monday, January 05, 2009

gibt es etwas über mich?

I really want to know what about me tells guys to go ahead and walk all over me? Or perhaps I just put my feelings on the line to much, too quickly, too easily.

Things had been going really well with Martini Man. In early December he even came to my office Holiday Party. We exchanged gifts at X-mas (although that was mostly up to me because at thanksgiving I came across a great gift and had to get it for him). But then he tells me he's going to be out of town for New Years Eve. He had planned with his buddies a trip to New York City. I was understandably bummed. I thought we had made it to the boyfriend/girlfriend stage already. But I'm beginning to re-think that now.

He was out of town for Christmas with his family and came back for one day before going to New York. It was a Sunday, and even though I had a dance to go to, I did see him afterward. Said good bye on Monday when I went to work, with him saying he'd at least call on NYE. I did text him on Tuesday to let him know I was using his X-mas gift (bath salts) to which I got no reply. At one am on NYE I gave up waiting for my phone call. The next morning I did have a Happy New Years text - sent at 3am. Then I never heard from him. He had told me that he'd be back Friday or Saturday, I wasn't really betting on Friday and by Saturday afternoon I turned my telephone off. This is something I never do. I hate the fact that if a call comes in when my phone is off if they don't leave a message I never know they called. But I didn't want to be tempted to constantly check my phone, or pick up just because I missed him. Then at 8 o'clock I went dancing.

At 12:30 I checked and he'd called when he got home: "figured I'd give you a shout and see what you're up to." I was up to ignoring you!!! So I texted back "was out dancing, call me sunday."

Apparently his first clue that I was pissed was my phone going straight to voicemail. He knows I don't like turning my phone off, and apparently my texts come across warmer than the "cold" one I'd sent telling him to call me. I knew he'd have an excuse for why he was unable to call me, but I wasn't expecting the one I got.

He was in Germany.

Yeah, that's right, at the last minute he decided to go to Germany to visit friends there instead of NYC with the buddies he'd originally made the plans with.

I was flabbergasted. He knew he'd screwed up and asked what he could do to make it up to me. But I don't think he got the extent to which I was hurt during his trip.
After we talked on the phone, I still don't think he really got it. I texted him to let him know that I was hurt, that I wanted to feel important to him, and like I could trust him and that he'd basically lied to me and ignored me for a week. The funny thing is, I wouldn't have been as hurt if I'd known he was in Germany, because then I'd have understood why he wasn't calling. I even understand why he'd want to go there. I spent so much time being depressed when I got back from the UK; I would totally would have understood if he'd said, change of plans I'm headed to Germany. I would have said here's my address I want a postcard. He said he was sorry he hurt me and that I shouldn't have to feel that way. I did tell him that I wasn't available to see him that night. I didn't know when he was getting home so I had made weekend plans and I went out dancing Sunday too.

Of course, this opens up a whole new can of worms. It makes me wonder if he even thinks of us as being in a relationship, or if this is just casual dating to him. And if this is something that he does on a normal basis, goes off with out telling people where he's going or calling while he's gone, then maybe deep down he really wants to be single.

So, I'm supposed to see him tomorrow. He starts classes after work tonight for an MBA program. I was so excited about him coming home; I had a back to school surprise him because he hasn't been in classes in at least 5 years. I was even planning on a cute and funny first day of school text, but now I don't want to put my feelings anymore out there until I know what's going on. I know that on Tuesday I'm going to have to have the "relationship" talk with him. I'm petrified that it's going to be a break up talk. I don't want to break up with him, but I don't ever want to go through something like that. Thinking the person you're dating isn't thinking about you? I don't know if boys are just totally clueless or what?

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