Okay so

J is out of town.

I feel a little bit bad about thinking he may have been lying to me. But I do still think it was shitty of him to tell me he was going to be out of town the day after I gave him a reference as a dance instructor.

I was looking through the school news and there was a piece about these 5 students who were chosen for a full scholarship to a week long conference. And there he was. No lie. Except for the fact that in February he told he might not get to go because there were 5 students up for it and only 4 spots. Hmmm...and yet 5 students are going.

I hate to jump to conclusions. I don't like to think he was stringing me along on something work related that could potentialy affect my job. So maybe the department busted out some extra money so they didn't have to reject one person, or maybe J had it wrong.

Like it matters. All I know is that I don't have to worry about bumping into him for the next weeek. And I can stop saying he's supposed to be out of town.

Wallowing and Self Pity

There's nothing like David Bowie in really tight pants with an 80's rock mullet and outlandish make-up singing songs and faking magical juggling acts to get someone out of a funk.

Yeah, I'm talking about Labyrinth.

This was one of my favorite movies as a kid. It was right up there with Princess Bride. They were the movies I would watch when my parents went out for the night on the weekend leaving me alone with a pizza.

Labyrinth is one of those that can only be watched at night. Don't try it during the day, it doesn't have the same feel. Oddly no matter how many times I watch this movie, no matter how early or late I start the movie I end up dozing off towards the end when they're in the Goblin City. I don't know why. Maybe because I need to be totally awake and alert for what comes after.

I always wanted to be Sara when I was young. There was something I found really romantic about the Goblin King being in love with someone and giving her powers that she didn't know about. Despite the fact that it's totally inappropriate - Jennifer Connelly was 14 during the making of the movie and David Bowie was 40. It's nearly as bad as Dirty Dancing (also supposedly very romantic, but Baby is 16 and Patrick Swazye had to have been at least 30 if not older). The whole theme of the movie - growing up and not depending on make-believe -sort of fell on deaf ears, and to a large extent still does. I understood the whole save-my-brother thing, but a part of me has always wanted Sara to take the Goblin King up on his offer. Yeah, the offer was totally inappropriate too: I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave.

I also love the line where he says how much he's done for her:

Jareth: Sarah, beware. I have been generous till now and I can be cruel.
Sarah: Generous? What have you done that is generous?
Jareth: *Everything*! Everything that you wanted I have done. You asked that the child be taken. I took him. You cowered before me and I was frightening. I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside down and I've done it all for you!

The songs always get me up off the couch too. My very favorite place to dance is my living room. I love it when a movie has great dance-able credit music. It's pretty much the one time I actually dance like nobody's watching (probably because nobody is).

Anyway....Saturday was a bad day. I was in a deep dark funk. I couldn't make myself do anything. I woke up at 2pm and went from the bed to the couch to catch up on Dancing with the Stars (Joey is so gonna win! Apollo Anton can come in second, but I hope Laila Ali comes in third, because Maksim is yummy scrumbos and a philanthropist.) I got to the gym but I couldn't manage to actually work out. I was there half an hour and left. There's no point working out half-assed. I ended up back on the couch. I finished up DwtS and moved on to DVDs

I watched Mrs. Henderson Presents with Judi Dench. It was okay, a little depressing. And I thought the premis was kind of weird. Mrs. Henderson buys a theatre and puts on a nudey show because her son died young and she thought he died never seeing a live naked woman. Huh? So she puts on this show for other service men, so that if they die at least they've seen a live nude girl. Huh? Is it me or is that the lamest reason for putting naked girls on stage?

Then I watched Raise Your Voice, a cheesy Hillary Duff movie where she learns that it's okay to sing even if her brother is dead, and her dad learns that some times "protecting" means stifling, and the best thing you can do is let your kids go and grow; and everybody learns that lying is okay if you get what you want out of it. It was sappy and only so-so.

After that I had the choice between March of the Penguins, The Cooperation, and Say Anything. None of which were working for me. March of the Penguins put me to sleep the first time I tried to watch it, and The Cooperation is supposed to be amazing, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that, Say Anything - too much love for me to deal with it. That's when I remembered I had found Labyrinth on DVD at the library. Just the thought of watching it perked me up. Suddenly I was doing the dishes and making dinner to watch with the movie.

I got a full 8 hours of sleep, woke up and went to the gym on Sunday.

J is supposed to be out of town at a conference (hence I had to find a different instructor for my program on Friday). So I didn't go up to the third floor of the gym. I hopped on a treadmill and watched CNN. I managed a run of 25 minutes, with a walk to warm up and walk on an incline afterwards for a total of 45 minutes. Then had a great stretch and ab workout.

I cleaned up, went shopping. I found some great weekend work pants (comfy!) and a couple of button down work shirts all on sale. I didn't find shoes. Work shoes that are not boots, and don't hurt my feet, and aren't sandals keep alluding me. Usually Payless is the way to go, I think I must have missed my window of opportunity on that one because I can't find even one pair and I need two - one for my brown work pants and one for my black and my gray pairs. I plan on wearing alot of skirts in the summer so it's not a huge deal, but right now it's spring and I'm still wearing pants, but it's too warm for my tall boots. Today I'm hiding the fact that I'm wearing my hiking boots - the only flats that don't scrape at my heel and aren't runners.

Then did some work on my freelance project, and did 3 loads of laundry! It helps with the cleaning up a little. Tomorrow I'm working on the living room. I'm hoping if I can do just 15 minutes or 1/2 an hour a day I'll get it done eventually.

On Wednesday intermurals start up again. Again, J is supposed to be out of town so I won't know if he's reffing again. I'm thinking not. Only based on when his dance class is in June, I don't see how he can do both. But I won't know until after I've already paid.

Although, I somehow keep convincing myself that I'm going to be okay around him. Then I picture him with BMG and it starts all over again - my face gets hot, my heart beats faster and I'm over come with humiliation. I know that it is going to take me finding someone else to be totally comfortable because at that point I won't care. I picture trying to be J's friend and it goes well until I imagine being introduced to, or having him mention, his girlfriend. Because eventually he'll meet somebody and instead of "having fun" he'll actually go out with her.

This has been alternating with fantasies of me being totally cool with him to the point where he can't get me off of his mind and when he realizes his huge mistake he humbly admits as much and asks me out. Sometimes the fantasy includes him asking me to partner him at one of his jobs as a peace offering - but me being so non-chalant and blaise says isn't that what BMG is for? (only I say what's her name, your friend I've never been introduced.) And he mentions that she's not his partner anymore for what ever reason.

Obviously those things are never going to happen. Never in a million years. They didn't happen before other girls came along, they certainly aren't going to happen now.

I thought I was going to get another month reprieve from the monthly dance by being out of town in May. But no such luck. I can't take that weekend off because I work and teach a class on Monday. Not that I have to go, but I want to. I officially miss dancing. Yes, I realize alot of my drive to do well is to show J in a "Ha!" kind of way. To thumb my nose for him choosing to dance with other "better" dancers. I wish I had the time to devote myself to taking all the classes I'd like or have the money to go somewhere like Fred Astaire or Aurthur Murray.

I did sign up for ballet this summer though. That's a start and I'll get back to my other lessons this month too hopefully. Unless I've overbooked myself.

I keep flip-flopping on taking the fitness classes this summer. 1) I don't know if I've got access to the gym this summer - I've been asked to renew my parking, so maybe I do, but I shouldn't. 2) I don't know that I want to as a number of the classes I would take are right before J's. 3) I'd miss some due to intermerals. 4)I'm going on vacation for more than week! and will miss some more. But on the other hand they are offering some very good classes - Hip Hop, Muscle Conditioning, Yoga, Body Sculpting. Very cool stuff.

So yeah. David Bowie. Totally sexy in that androgenous, evil looking way.

David Bowie - Underground

No one can blame you
For walking away.
Too much rejection.
No love injection.

Life can't be easy.
It's not always swell.
Don't tell me truth hurts, little girl,
'Cause it hurts like hell,

But down in the underground
You'll find someone true.
Down in the underground;
A land serene;
A crystal moon.
Ah..

It's only forever.
Not long at all.
Lost and lonely.
That's underground.
Underground.

Daddy, daddy, get me out of here.
Heard about a place to stay.
I, I'm underground.
Nothing ever hurts again.
Heard about a place to stay.
Daddy, get me out of here
Where nothing ever hurts again.
Daddy, daddy, get me out of here
I, I'm underground.
Sister, sister, please take me down.
I, I'm underground.
Daddy, daddy, get me out of here.

Reality of this Weekend

Very little cleaning went on. So much for clean and airy and bright. No cover letter writing went on.

I've realized that unfortunately I've developed a depression ridden apathy. Granted I want to be anywhere but here right now. But I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything about it. I've gotten to the point where I just don't give a shit about much of anything.

On Friday I worked, had a chat with my old boss afterward. I realized in that chat that I could never go back and work there. This freelance business is alright. I can use the extra cash, but god help me if I had to spend 40 hours there again. Some of the perks would be nice. For instance I my rec center membership. I won't have it this summer. Better hours. 8 to 4 M-F. Right where I live. On the other hand I knew those things before I left. The real reason I couldn't go back is that I would never be treated like a professional. Sure, I'm over worked here and they give me work to do that I've never done before without giving me some direction on how it's supposed to get done. But at least they have that confidence in me that I'm a professional. I worked at my last place all through grad school. So to them I'll always be the baby that needs a helping hand. I'd prefer to find a place somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. Where a boss has confidence in me but also gives me some direction and never calls me a baby anything.

Then I worked out. It sucked. I was very lazy and unmotivated. Then I went home and watched DVDs. Watching DVDs was about the only goal I did manage to accomplish this weekend.

On Saturday I went to brunch at a friends house where I managed to feel akward, sullen and anti-social. I would have thought that 3 mimosas would have helped, but no. Part of the reason is that as I was driving to my friend's house I realized he lives in the same part of the city as J has said he lives. We walked to a grocery store down the block and I'm greeted to salsa music playing and get a "have a nice weekend" from a chasheir who could be BMG's prettier sister. Thanks, I needed that. After brunch everyone just sat outside and feeling as anti-social as I did I called it quits after a littl while and went home. I did manage to work out and once again it sucked, went home and watched DVDs.

On Sunday I needed a good workout so I went first thing in the morning. It was better at least, but not as good as earlier in the week. I'm not feeling the burn today which means I'm not pushing myself hard enough. I got home around noon and tried to figure out what I was going to do. I knew I needed a distraction from the fact that it was dance night and I wasn't going even though I was free. I actually thought I was going to go to the opera. Turandot was playing near by but I couldn't get their online ticket system to work. It either wouldn't log me in or denied my credit card which made no sense when I've got $1000 left on it and was trying to by a $50 ticket. Let me do the math??? yeah, that should work. I got fed up and then didn't feel like getting dressed up to go. Even though my original thougth pattern was maybe I'll meet some nice classy guy at the opera. Instead I figured I'd go to a movie.

I ended up calling the X to see if he wanted to go see a scary movie with me. Horror movies are the only kind that I actually mind going to by myself. I actually like to go to weekday matinees alone. It's like having a private screening.

He said that he would. We went. The movie was okay. He wouldn't let me buy the tickets and when I offered to buy the snacks he didn't want any. We went to dinner and he wouldn't let me buy that either. Despite the fact that I invited him and when we went out last week he also paid for dinner. We had a little fight over the bill and the waitress laughed at me. Why is it that waiters and waitresses always come down on the side of the man picking up the check? I swear it's the third or fourth time it's happened where they always say, oh just let him get it, or tell me that I'm not allowed to pay. These aren't all women either.

It turns out that I am a weak, weak individual.

I went back to his place. We played a video game for a bit and then the hockey playoffs. Sometime in the second period we started making out. It was obvious that is what the X was waiting for. It was obvious from the last time we went out too, even though we didn't then, that he was expecting it. I don't really blame him. This happened last year around my birthday too. I know that I shouldn't be doing this. He's moving in less than 3 months. I have no intention of dating him seriously, but there we were kissing, cuddling, having sex and cuddling on his couch.

Oy.

I got an email from the XX this weekend too. He had sent me a birthday card and his email was obsensibly to find out if I had gotten it. I don't like to think badly of him. I know I broke his heart. But the man is such a drama queen. Its instances like these that I know I did the right thing in saying no to him.

He tells me he feels "persona non grata" because he hasn't heard from me.

Sorry, dude, not falling for the guilt trip. It's been 4 months. We spent a weekend and one week together. It is not my fault you pined for 5 years and I didn't. You broke up with me remember?

I did say that I would write him a letter and then never did. But what was I going to say in it. I've grown up and you haven't. (Well of course, 'cuz I was 20 and he was 30 he was grown and I wasn't.) Now I find that I don't want to be with you. I was into somebody else at the time you came over. (I can't say that either.)

I was tempted to guilt him right back. Talk about how hard writing him has been and about how work among other things has made me really depressed. But I didn't. I just said yes I got it, it's on my fridge. How was his birthday? Mine was boring.

This is why I ignore J. I do not want him thinking of me the way I am of the XX right now. Much better that he not think of me at all than sigh and marvel at my pathetic-ness. Which is what I am doing in regard to the XX rignt now.

I want him to make up his mind. Does he want to be my friend or does he not. He left not wanting to have anything to do with me and now he's sending me cards and emails.

Goals for this weekend

I was supposed to work this morning with my old boss on a project we started together a year or more before. I was out late last night and had to be up earlier than I would have liked, but it's work, a little extra cash, so I dragged my butt out of bed and went to meet him. Half an hour later I get an email - canceled. Ooookay. Now what?

The whole time I was waiting I kept thinking that I could have been working out or sleeping in. Mostly I wanted to be working out, but knew in my heart of hearts that if I didn't have this meeting I would have slept in. By the time I got the email it was too late to go to the gym there was no way to work out and shower and get ready (both of which I had already done that morning) to be on time at my full-time gig. So I just walked home looked around and said - right lets get to work.

I did my dishes! The sink is no longer overflowing and stinky. Yay!

Then I put together part of a lunch, and even brought in a snack to share (Thursday night is treat night at work). The I stopped at Trader Joes to get a few things to round out my lunch - some trail mix to go on my salad; chocolate soy milk, I love those single serve boxes, and salsa to go with my tortilla wrap. I had wanted to also stop at a bagel place for breakfast, but ran out of time. I did have an apple though.

I feel so productive. If only that feeling could stay with me at work (which it hasn't). My first email was "I've scheduled you for X meeting, arrange your schedule to make it." The only reason it works is because something else that normally meets on that day was canceled. Otherwise I would have had to email my boss and say, "sorry, but if you had asked I could have told you that I already have Y (at your request) scheduled for that day." But no, it works out, so she'll continue to go ahead and do this shit to me without asking.

If I can get through tonight, I've got the weekend to be productive at home and work on my coverletters.

My weekend is going to look like this:

Friday - Work Out. Work on project with old boss. Clean bathroom. Go out.
Saturday - Work Out. Clean living room. Go shopping. Work on cover letters. Watch DVDs.
Sunday - Work Out. Clean bedroom. Work on cover letters. Watch DVDs.

I want my apartment to be neat and clean and airy and bright on Monday. That is my goal. I also want a workable template cover letter than I can customize for the jobs I want to apply for next week.

Step Backwards

I was doing so well and then I made a mistake and now I've had a setback.

I had to d do some work at the library last night...my freelance project that requires me to use MS Publisher (erlck) which is only available on the PCs at the library. Now, I could have left my apartment and walked to the library in a way that would not have taken me past the gym. But it's my normal route. And I can look up and check out the big studio.

Big mistake. Huge mistake on my part. Because I'm walking by, knowing full well that J has his class going on. I glance up and guess who the fuck is there?

I don't know why I was suprised or why I got so upset. He did the same with Pink Sweat Suit Girl. She'd show up before class was over and dance and then he'd stay after. So why should BMG be any different? It's just so obvious that he doesn't even bother to change his methods from girl to girl because that's how I got suckered in too.

Then today video's of the March classes and dance go online. Great now I get to see a side by side comparison - fantastic. Since the last time I checked the site some one had labled the one and only picture of BMG from that month - now I know her name. Damn. It's easier to be spitefull just calling her BMG.

I am trying to look on the positive side which is hard because I thought I was getting better. I was actually feeling pretty good. I saw his car in the parking lot on my way out and for once I didn't feel like keying it or kicking the tires, I thought that I might even be able to hold it together when running into him. Then all of a sudden the heart pounding panic, the inability to breathe properly, the hot stinging sension in my eyes, the beat red blush of humiliation, all came flooding back. Even now, even though I'm at work I can feel the tears trying to get out.

The positive side is that yes, I was feeling better and now I've been faced with a set back, but pretty soon I'll be even stronger than before. And each time I get slapped in the face by this, yeah, it'll knock me back a little, but each and everytime I'll be in a better place than before until eventually I won't have setbacks and I'll just be fine.

Just seeing that from so far away was horrible, I think I made an excellent decision about my birthday and about not going to this weekend's dance. I just need time.

Overwhelming

I get so overwhelmed at work and in life that I'm frozen. I literally have so much to do and I just don't do it.

I was dreaming before my alarm went off today that I called in sick to work. When the alarm did go off, my first thought was, it's okay, I called in sick. Then reality hit me. I had to get up and come in.

I waste each and every work day sitting here doing absolutely nothing. I have accomplished exactly one thing that is related to my job today. Other than that I have been reading blogs, blogging, checking my email and looking for other jobs. I found books on how to write coverletters.

There are currently four job openings that I'd like to send my resume in for. However, my coverletter sucks ass. It was good enough to get this job, but this job is dull and horrible. I'm done with dull and horrible. Also these jobs would constitute a "career change" and I'm applying for things that I'm a tad over-qualified for. These jobs don't require the master degree that I've got. Just 4 years Bachelor or equivalent. So the trick is explaining why I'm changing and willing to start at the bottom. It's hard to do without complaining about my current situation.

Objectively speaking this job isn't horrible. There are certainly worse out there. But when ever my co-workers and I go out we bitch and moan about the place. The bottom line is that I'm not enjoying what I do here. There are random sparks of light and the rest is doom and gloom.

My apartment looks like I've been ransacked. Seriously depression makes me one messy girl. The kitchen is starting to smell. I think it's because the dishes have been there for two or three weeks. But I can't muster the energy to do anything about it. I get home I watch tv or a dvd. Some times I just come in and go straight to bed. My drying rack is full of clothes I took out of the dryer at least two weeks ago, probably 3. The floor has a single path from door to closet. The only thing that gets cleaned on a regular basis is the litter box. My bathtub looks like somebody washed their dog in it and I don't think I've eaten at my kitchen table in two months because it's got stuff all over it. When I do have energy for something I usually use it to go the gym.

One of my freelance deadlines is on Friday and I had forgotten all about it. I work all day tomorrow. Guess who's not sleeping tonight? Actually I kind of like that idea maybe I can clean too. Some times I think its a good way to reset. If only the long night time weren't so dark and lonely.

DNA

This is an interesting Quiz

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Not very Manic Monday

Last night I asked the X to a movie. We ended up having dinner too. But I was whatever the female equivalent of being a gentleman is and I left him at his door. I'm not trying to make him think something is going to happen with us. I just like his company. We get to talk about things and not about me. Not about how sad I am or about J. We talked about global warming, the movie Children of Men, and how the Mayan calendar which has been eerily correct about things predicts a "change" to the world (not and end) in December of 2012 (the year on Clive Owen's sweatshirt through out much of the movie CoM). We touched on the tradedy of the day (some people are putting videos on-line taken with thier camera phones of the shooter), but it would have caused tears from both of us - two of my brothers have been in close proximity to public shootings in the last two months.

The X and I were driving to dinner. He was playing some hilarious songs by this guy
Jonathan Coulton. I was having a good time and J popped into my head. It was this weird moment where I thought, "Yeah, I'm totally fine." I started thinking of him like I used to but without the desperation of needing him. I considered actually going to this dance in a week. I thought of how normal I could be when I finally do run into him.

That passed. Not to say that I'm back in my sobbing my eyes out mode. I'm not. But I'm getting better. I just didn't realize that I'd be in the process of moving on so quickly. I don't know why I'm so suprised. We didn't know each other that well really.

I had a great workout this morning. I broke my running (jogging) record. I made it for 25 minutes, my previous best being a 20 minute jog. I thought about J because this is the last week of classes at the gym until early May. After that I won't have to be in hyper-avoidance mode. I am still skipping this month's dance. I skipped class last night too. That's why I invited the X to a movie (yeah I called him) so that I could skip it and not be at home thinking about how I skipped it. I am taking the rest of April off from dancing. In May I'm going to go back to taking ballet. Maybe in May I'll decide to go back to the studio and the dances too.

New All Time Low and Why I Need a New Job

I'm doing my nails at work.

No, I'm not on my lunch break.

God I hate it here.

To be fair I am only touching up the white tips.

Those gorgeous digits are the result of my birthday present to myself (using the moola I got from my dad) - a manicure and pedicure. I'd show my toes, they're beautiful too, but I'm taking off my shoes at my desk.

What's funny about yesterday is that today I have been hand-holding the "experience" one all day. All I've been saying is: now click here, do this, that's because you didn't, now you do this. It isn't that this person is brand new either. She just winters in a warmer climate and hasn't been here in six months.

I laugh. I wish that guy could have been here today.

Why I hate people and need a new job

50% of my work week is spent at a customer service desk. Unless it's my weekend rotation in that case my entire Saturday and Sunday is spent on the desk.

Today a guy walks over and sees me an a co-worker. Neither of us is busy, but I am a little closer to where he is than she is. He looks at both of us and walks away from me toward her. I just shrug and go back to my reading. When he gets over to my co-worker he says to her "I'll take experience over youth" and then asks her his question.

Now I know I shouldn't give a shit about a random age-discraminatory dude, but I wanted to yell - how about taking the person who got her degree sooner and is therefore more update you jackass.

Never as Bad as it Seems or as Good as I Expect

My birthday was fine. Friends of mine came out with me to dinner at a brewery and we had a few drinks, ate a bit of food, had some more drinks and called it a night.

Not the flashiest of celebrations not a big blow-out, and not dinner and dancing, but nice to hang out with friends.

Apparently my absences at the other place wasn't a big deal because I didn't hear from J at all. I suppose that's a good thing. I don't need a relapse (even if I did shave my legs). The X came out as well, he was being fairly flirty-flirty with me. He asked me what I did for my birthday last year (pretty much the same thing) and it wasn't until a couple minutes later that I realized I ended up going over to his place after my birthday party last year. That was what started a short lived X-sex fling, I ended it, started up with J, and then the X said he wanted to get back together.

I am sure that I could have gotten a little from the X last night as well, but I restrained myself. Not because I don't to get a little, because I do. I wouldn't have shaved my legs when I wore pants if I didn't think there was some kind of possibility. I just thought better of it later.

It occurs to me that the reason I'm upset about J is not because I thought we'd make a good go of dating or a relationship, although that would have been nice. It's that I was so very passionate about him. Passionate for him. It is hard to be passionate about someone, even physically, and still know that they're only luke-warm about you at best. There were a few times when he had me fooled. That doesn't help me feel better about myself at all, that I am a fool for falling for it. It just sucks to know that me not being there means as nothing to him as me being there does.

oops maybe I should have said something

CF left me a voicemail this afternoon while I was shopping (yay! for having the day off).

He says he's making plans to celebrate my birthday and to call him back to talk about it.

huh? I remember saying I'd keep him posted about plans for Friday, but to up and say that he made plans for us. That doesn't make sense to me.

Sigh... and I was having such a good day.

Employers Piss Me Off

Aparently it is mandatory that I recieve life insurance from my employer. Mandatory that they take money out of each pay check on the off chance that I kick the bucket or get hit by a bus. So that that money can be given to somebody else.

Huh?

Seriously, if I thought I was worth anything wouldn't I have insured myself? If there was someone in my life who's grief would eased by getting a decent sized chunk of change that I earned during my career, don't you think I'd have set that up for them already?

I understand parents wanting their kids to be taken care of financially getting life insurance, but please, I'm a youngest child who's syblings all have careers. I have no kids and my parents can take care of themselves. Maybe I'm being influenced here. My mother would never take life insurance out her children. She didn't want to have a child die and then be given money for it.

Frankly I see the whole thing as yet another way that single people with no families are discriminated against. I'm not married, I've got no kids to take care of, but still a part of my paycheck every week has to go to plan that would benefit them if I died one day.

It is fucking ridiculous and I'm seriously pissed off about it.

DeMotivation

Dysfunction: The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.


1)RB - the theater class guy I had a crush on my freshman year but I was too shy to talk to. At the end of the semester when we were in a group together he looked me in the eye (he had beautiful blue eyes) and said "what was your name again, I don't remember."

2)Funny Funny Co-worker - would routinely flirt with me which at the time I did not know what to do with (I was a very late bloomer) and even asked me to marry him. After he finally did get engaged (to somebody else!) he walked me home from a party and asked me why I had never gone out with him (huh?). Because I thought you were joking the whole time, you were the funny funny co-worker!

3)AP - a revisit of RB only later in my college career. Too shy to talk to him, but that didn't stop a friend of mine from inviting him to a party with the promise that "my American friend really really fancies you." Grrrreat. Too bad I was insanely drunk at the time, and couldn't string to words together to speak to him. He left after a few minutes and I ran the bathroom spewing white wine and bailey's. It was humiliations galore in town after that incident (it was a really small campus). Try going to the pub where everyone is looking at you and telling the friend next to them "Isn't that the girl who likes AP and threw up on him at a party?" It was not on him folks! it was after!!!!!!

4)The XX - probably the only person not privy to the AP gossip. I think he didn't get told until months later when we started going out. Our first three dates consisted of the XX mentioning what a great guy AP was. The XX broke up with 3 times over the course of 2 years. Ostensibly because I was a) too young for him and b) he didn't want to marry me. Enter the XX 5 years later telling me I'm the only he can ever imagine living his life with and thought of bringing a ring for christmas. I got a birthday card from him yesterday. I thought for sure after the major rejection I dealt him at christmas that he'd never want to speak to me again. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice - but no relationsip is better than a bad relationship.

5)The Jackass - It took awhile to get over the XX. Finally my friend introduced me to her coworker. He was super cute and an artist. I thought we were dating. For months we'd go to movies, go out to eat, get coffee, I'd go to his art shows. When I invited him out and he couldn't go because he'd be with his girlfriend. Apparently we weren't dating.

6)The X - inter office dating. The X was always afraid he'd get fired for dating me. It meant we couldn't hold hands on campus or let anyone other than a select few know we were going out. He was obsessed with video games and OMMPRPGs. To the point where I would get yelled at for bringing him food during very important quests and raiding parties. He took the games more seriously than almost anything else. I started taking over his bathroom pretty soon after we slept together and he called me his girlfriend. After a few weeks I stopped asking if I could come over and just showed up everyday after work or school. It was preferable to going home to my mother's house. In the end I'm pretty sure I smothered him and he used his games to get away from me. Sad to say broke up with me, although I was tempted to do it. The kicker is that he did it over the phone. I guess really that's a step up since he asked me out over email. That's what I get for dating a tech-geek.

7)The Man - just some flirtation with a guy that the X works with. He didn't even ask me out via email - he MySpace messaged me. That should have been the first clue, his lack of follow through should have been the second clue. Our one and only date was a total let down. It was a shame because he was pretty hot. Having seen him recently though, he's gotten chubby - not so hot. The fact that he was hung up on a total ho-bag who wouldn't dump her boyfriend but let the Man take her on vacation and buy her expensive things was another total turn off.

8)J - Humiliation: The harder you try the dumber you look. I wish he wasn't so damn hot. Seriiously I think I could get over him if I could stop going to sleep, waking up and at other odd times during the day getting entirely too turned on by thinking about him.

9)CF; Class Friend (technically not a relationship)- As a friend it was nice to talk to him and dance with him at the social parties. But now the boy isn't taking no for an answer. Now he wants to take me out on Friday. I'd tell him that I'm already doing something for my birthday but then I'd have to invite him, because I'm just way too nice. He called me at 10:30pm on Monday to "chat" even after I had already told him that I was going to bed earlier which is why I wasn't going to go to a dance with him in a town that is an hour from where I live. Yes, I work. Yes, I work early in the morning. Making a quip about "lucky you, you have a job" as if it's not a reason to stay in on a Monday night does not indear me to you. Maybe I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. But what's the point of dating if it's the result of me lowering my standards?

The XX, the X, and J all showed up with in my life a few months after being rejected, humiliated, or dumped. So maybe the rebound is right around the corner.

Then again

Mistakes: It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

Hell Hath No Fury

I'm obsessed with hating BMG.

I made the mistake of checking out the pictures on-line of the last couple of dances, February and March's. They've got some new ones up and there she is smiling at the camera with a couple of other girls, one of whom I recognize from a different social. That in itself makes me nervous. I don't want BMG showing up to one of the J-free dances I go to.

I just don't get it. Sure she's pretty, but she's also built like a 14-year-old boy.

I feel terrible for wanting it, but I hope J hurts her too. Especially if he's really stupid enough to be fucking her and using her as a dance partner where he works. I know that she hasn't done anything to me. She can't help it if J doesn't want me. Having her gone won't change anything either. It's just that if he does the same to her then it's not me, that there wasn't a sign over my head that said "use me and throw me away."

Sometimes I want to hate J. I know he said that he should have been honest from the beginning, but the truth is I knew what I was doing. I knew what I really wanted and I didn't do anything about it. I settled for what little I could get because I'd never been so attracted to somebody before and it's my own damn fault I let my feelings get as deep as they have. If I had said something during the summer. If I had let it end in the fall.

If I hadn't fucking moved to be more accommodating - because it certainly didn't cut down on my commute. Sure I'm nearer some friends, that's a plus right now. But just being around here depresses me.

I'm actually angry with myself. At least I'm not being crazy stalker girl. I might hate myself, but at least I've got that much dignity.

I am getting a little nervous about Friday. I can't decide whether I want J to notice that I canceled my plans there or not. I keep having stupid fantasies of him calling me that night wondering where I am asking if he can join the party. But in my honest moments I know that he's not going to. He's not wondering where I am. He's not that interested. I am sure he's got plenty of other girls to keep him company.

I had similar fantasies after the Jackass dropped the girlfriend-bomb on me (as in told me he had a girlfriend and it wasn't me - hense the moniker, Jackass). They mostly involved moving to Seattle and years after walking into a coffee shop or something else totally "hipster" recognizing a painting of his and asking the person behind the desk about it. We'd eventually run into each other in said hip-coffee house reconnecting and falling madly in love.

The fantasies about J and I reconnecting tend to run toward the reconnecting and actually dating instead of falling into bed together variety where he's actually sweet and totally and completely into me.

If I could only stop fantasizing about J maybe I could actually get on to the dating of the sweet guy who's totally into me.

Happy Birthday to Me

I am officially older today. And I am officially shaving 5 years off my age. I figure everyone thinks I'm 18 as it is. Now, I'm not willing to un-burden myself of so many years that I can't claim to legally drink. So just 5 years. I figure I start now I'll be an old pro when I'm 40.

I'm skipping yoga tonight and next week (that's when it ends). I feel a little bad about it, but I can't bear the idea of running into J. Just the thought makes me hyperventilate and my heart starts beating like I'm a mouse in a trap (that hasn't been decapitated).

I am fully aware that I'm copping out by doing this. But I don't see the point in putting on a brave face and pretending like I'm okay. I'm not okay. Being seen by him is not going to miraculously change his non-existent feelings for me.

I'm also seriously considering not going to the April dance in 2 weeks. He's been there two months in a row with BMG. I know it's no garentee that he'll be there again (he only went to two with me when we first hooked up), but he seems more invested in her. I'm not going to have a good time if I have to see him there. I certainly don't want to have to talk to him. I really don't want to dance with him. I don't want to be mopey the whole time like the one where he met BMG. There is no such thing as "showing him what he is missing." J already knows what he's missing and still he chose someone else.

Sometimes I really do wish I could move and then I'd never have to worry about running into him.

Oh, and I'm throwing up again. It's been months, at least since Thanksgiving because I hadn't thrown up while I've been living in this apartment. It started at St. Patty's when I got collosally drunk and CF took me to get pancakes and sober up. There I was sobbing in the IHOP ladies room knowing that if I could just sober up I'd feel better. Well, I did, but only after puking the pancakes, my earlier dinner of thai, the sangria and other alcohol. I felt fantastic afterward.

Now it seems like everytime I go out I give myself permission to pig out knowing that I'll go home and get rid of it all. Being overly full with food that I know I shouldn't be eating (chips, fries, pizza) makes me feel aweful, gross, disgusting - and I'm falling into the trap of feeling wonderful once I throw up. It's energizing. Gets me off the couch. I don't feel sluggish afterward.

But I don't want to keep doing this. I know it's a result of feeling so depressed lately. I hate the idea that I'm letting something (anything but especially a guy) get to me this much. To the point where I feel the need to emotionally gorge myself in an effort to make myself feel better, but then feeling crappy 'cuz I just ate a shit-load of junk food, because I'm certainly not filling up on fruits and salads.

But I did eat a whole bowl of strawberries while visiting my mother on Saturday. I think I'm vitamin deprived. Today afterwork the grocery shopping will consist of nothing but produce. I have way more carbs and proteins and sugars at home than I really need. If I can stop now and start back to healthy eating I'll feel better in the long run.

In the mean time I'm still at work, it's gray and gloomy outside and I'd like to crawl back into bed.

Wow, this is turning into a really depressing birthday. I'm going spend the day at work, then grocery shopping and cleaning (or possibly sitting in front of the tv telling myself I should be cleaning), and then falling asleep.

Nothing and No One Changes

A text message I sent to J this winter when he started working at the club I can't go to anymore:

"Not that you need it, but good luck tonight. I know you'll do great!"

J's response: "Thank you!"

Text message I sent to the X today regarding his interview tomorrow:

"Good luck tomorrow. Not that you need it. You'll do great!"

The X's resonse: "Thank you!"

I Always Knew I'd End Up Your Ex-Girlfriend

I went out with the X last night and a group of his friends.

I had stopped by his office to get some materials from him that I need to work on. We started chatting. He asked my opinion on a presentation he has to give for a job interview next week.

We've talked about this job before when we chat on IM. An old boss moved on to a higher position then contacted the X saying he wanted to hire him. This position was basically created for, and the job posting was written for, the X. He'll get the job just for interviewing.

I know the X wants to get out his current job, he hates it there. So did I that's why I jumped on the job I have now. I also know he hates the city. He grew up in a more suburban/rural area and loathes the city. This job will be much closer to the outdoor life he wants.

But the last time I spoke to him he didn't want to interview. He decided he didn't want to work for that boss again. Now he's going. I think it was a girl (I think it's another girl with J too though). A few weeks ago when I was driving to get a drink with a friend of mine I saw him walking holding hands with a girl.

He's got a new SLR digital camera for his birthday recently. He had it with him and was taking my picture. He said that I wasn't smiling. That maybe my face was smiling, but inside I was grumpy. I had to impressed with his insight, but it also made me cry.

I ended up going out to dinner with him and his friends. I only had a few blue moments and for the most part I had a good time. The X can be very flirty. Very, very flirty. At one point he teased me that I trying to get him drunk so he couldn't drive home and he'd have to come to my place. I ended up leaving on my own just to make sure that we were clear that I was not there trying to hook up with him. That would be great. Use the X to get over J who I used to get over the X in the first place.

I only had a couple of twinges of "maybe I should have gotten back together with him when he asked" which inevitably lead to thoughts of J, the real reason I didn't get back together with the X. I couldn't very well date the X and sleep with J at the same time. But they were only twinges. It was just nice to be around somebody who is nice and good to me. To drink a little and hang with some fun people.

I Should Move

Is this what Regret feels like?

I had a dream about J this morning. He was calling me on the phone saying "You know I had a lot of fun this year, but..." and suddenly I was there at his place. I said "where else would I be." And he asked me to come over to him, put his arms around me and I gave him a very light kiss on the side of his mouth and the next thing I know we are making out. That's when my alarm went off. Maybe it's better than way, but it's left me depressed today.

I know I've said it all before. I've been wanting to do this. So why does it feel like someone is trying to crush the life out me?

My heart is beating so hard and an elephant is sitting on my chest. I have a hard time getting through five minutes without wanting to cry.

Every sign in the book was there. My brain knew it. Why did it take this for my feelings to catch on.

I keep going back and forth with being "okay." It's okay to have J out of my life. It's okay because I chose to do this. It's not so okay to feel embarassed about it. I just can't be sure that I would have drifted away without this. I also keep thinking about how I can make things okay for him. (Talk about too nice.) I keep thinking that maybe I made him think that he lead me on. I'm not totally naive. I knew the whole time that we were NSA and casual. I just wanted more. He never game me any signals that there ever would be more. But why should I care if he knows that or not?

The plus side is that I've been to two dance classes and they rocked. Okay, a dance lesson and a dance practice. I tried to go to a lesson yesterday but it was canceled. So one of the guys there (very nice older guy) said we could practice some partner work and ended up teaching me some new stuff. It was very cool. I had a good time. Which means J can take a flying leap for all I care when it comes to my dancing. I do it for me. There was such satisfaction in being able to spin twice and not fall over and I know that it is all about me.

I'm just dreading a few weeks from now. I have a feeling that he'll be at the sunday dance I go to with BMG.

It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To

I changed my birthday plans.

I had too. I couldn't take going in there and pretending like I was okay. Maybe it is 10 days away. But spend the whole night there with J. I couldn't take the condecending "I'm so flattered" bit.

Of course he'll know why I'm not there. That's fine. But to be uptight, nervous, and possibly upset the whole time is ridiculous.

Of course now I am mad that I said anything before my birthday (I should have listened to Anathema). Although it's hard to say - I can imagine that I might have tried to get with him again, been upset by the rejection, and sending him an email. Then I'd be where I am right now only on my birthday.

There was no good timing on this one. I just wish I had a working crystal ball.

Now. I am really and truely NOT going to commit anymore blog entries to him. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

Resolutions

I was blog hopping instead of working.

I ran across someone's new years post when I realized that I just completed my new years resolution. To J my feelings. I thought it'd be after May before I did or that I wouldn't at all. But there you go. The hidden positive.

So I need a new resolution. What should my quarter year resolution be? Move on, let go? No, I need something active. I got past the X by joining the gym, learning to dance, and having sex with my instructor. How do I get over the instructor?

I have a goal for the summer actually. I want to be more flexible and be able to do the splits side and front by the end of August. But again, I'm afraid that this is just stemming from J and BMG. She can do the splits, so can his other partner. God, even after this weekend knowing I would find out what I did find out I kept thinking of things to do to help him (I kept reminding myself that guys don't like that). I wish I didn't care about him.

My other goal is to quit my job at the end of August. Well, it was. I think I wanted out of here and back on campus to be near J. Blech. I'm disgusting. Even to myself. All this shit I did to be nearer him, to be around him more often, to be more available. WTF? Where did my self respect go? I had some once.

Quarter Year Resolution: Re-discover my self respect.

I read an article in Psychology where a woman having only bad luck with men and relationships, moved into a studio apartment and got a single bed. Didn't go out with anyone and focused on herself and work. When she was ready to re-emerge she met someone wonderful and had a fufilling relationship.

When the X and I broke up my new years resolution was to be selfish because I knew I had lost a part of myself in him. But this isn't the case. This is a case of actually finding something quite cool and being rejected by the person who introduced it to me.

Ack! I really want to stay off the topic of J. Really.

Qu'est Que Ce

Well.

J did get back to me. I woke up this morning thinking maybe I'll text him and ask if he read it. But while I was doing some yoga stretches in my living room he emailed. I got it sometime after I got out of the shower.

He apologized for taking so long to write back but he was wondering what to do. The rest of it came as no shock to me at all. He's flattered, he was just having fun, he likes me as a friend now, he doesn't want things to change.

Which begs the question...why did I do it? I knew he'd lost interest in even coming over and I knew he'd never had feelings beyond the sex. So why did I need to make a big deal out of it. Couldn't I have moved on without making a fool of myself?

I thought knowing would be better. I thought if it was just made clear to me then I would be fine. I'm not fine. This sucks. He hopes our relationship won't change because he enjoys my company. I say that I have feelings for him, he says he was just having fun with me and doesn't want to anymore. How am I supposed to come away from that wanting to be his friend? I want to go back to bed. I want to curl up under the covers and cry until I fall asleep and then cry some more when I wake up.

My birthday party is on the 13th. I am at a loss as to what to do. I was feeling bold when I thought he was giving me the cold shoulder and I sent the invites out. Now I'd just like to burry my head in the sand or move away so I never have to see him again. I'm afraid that I'll hate dancing now. I think I was trying so hard in order to impress him. Like if I was a good enough dancer he'd want to be with me. What is the point now?

This is going to make me fat again I can tell. I'm going to end up avoiding the gym and dances so I don't run into him. God I hate this. If only I could safely drop off the face of the earth with out resorting to suicide.

With any luck this will be the last major entry regarding J. It is really and truely time to let it go.

Stir Crazy

This is making me crazy.

I'm trying to figure out if there was something in what I wrote that implies I don't want or need a response.

I am back to freaking out. I know that I'm going to see him as I leave yoga and he comes into the room for his class. We generally don't talk, but even so. I'm so close to a nervy b. (as Georgia would say).

I keep checking my email. More obsessively than normal. I get flutters everytime I see the new mail # change. It's not him though. It's spam. or chain mail from my mom. I wish she wouldn't send me that shit. I don't want inspirational prayers of good will if I can only get it by sending on to my closest 50 friends. Or the "this really happened to my cousin's brother-in-law's sister's nephew who used to be a warden in a prison so he know cop stuff" cautionary tales about flashing my headlights on the highway.

Now I'm rambling and I'm getting pissy with customers. Good thing it's lunch time. More free time to obsess.

Twelve Hours

Waiting sucks.

Yesterday I went to dance class. Took a nap. Went to dinner and had some drinks with a couple of ex-co-workers and then went to bed again.

Today I'm going to work out and clean the apartment like I thought I would do yesterday.

What sucks about email is this stupid delay. I don't have anyway of even knowing if he's gotten read it yet. I expect that he'll either not say anything or I'll get an email back. I know that he called me before about my texts, but I don't expect he'll call to talk about this.

Sigh. I hate waiting. The upside is that my nerves are starting to subside. There's a nice finality to knowing that whatever happens that is it. I can stop obsessing over him, I can stop crying over him. There is just a fair bit of embarrassment that comes with rejection (sad, but I know it's inevitable), but other than that I'm starting to feel a little more calm.

I have kept myself from re-reading what I sent him. I've only double checked that it is in my sent folder and not saved. I also double checked the same with the text message.

Since that is done. I am going to leave it and take my mind off by doing other things. I have audio book that I must finish by the end of tomorrow. I hope I can run and listen to a book at the same time. I've never tried it before.