Step Backwards

I was doing so well and then I made a mistake and now I've had a setback.

I had to d do some work at the library last night...my freelance project that requires me to use MS Publisher (erlck) which is only available on the PCs at the library. Now, I could have left my apartment and walked to the library in a way that would not have taken me past the gym. But it's my normal route. And I can look up and check out the big studio.

Big mistake. Huge mistake on my part. Because I'm walking by, knowing full well that J has his class going on. I glance up and guess who the fuck is there?

I don't know why I was suprised or why I got so upset. He did the same with Pink Sweat Suit Girl. She'd show up before class was over and dance and then he'd stay after. So why should BMG be any different? It's just so obvious that he doesn't even bother to change his methods from girl to girl because that's how I got suckered in too.

Then today video's of the March classes and dance go online. Great now I get to see a side by side comparison - fantastic. Since the last time I checked the site some one had labled the one and only picture of BMG from that month - now I know her name. Damn. It's easier to be spitefull just calling her BMG.

I am trying to look on the positive side which is hard because I thought I was getting better. I was actually feeling pretty good. I saw his car in the parking lot on my way out and for once I didn't feel like keying it or kicking the tires, I thought that I might even be able to hold it together when running into him. Then all of a sudden the heart pounding panic, the inability to breathe properly, the hot stinging sension in my eyes, the beat red blush of humiliation, all came flooding back. Even now, even though I'm at work I can feel the tears trying to get out.

The positive side is that yes, I was feeling better and now I've been faced with a set back, but pretty soon I'll be even stronger than before. And each time I get slapped in the face by this, yeah, it'll knock me back a little, but each and everytime I'll be in a better place than before until eventually I won't have setbacks and I'll just be fine.

Just seeing that from so far away was horrible, I think I made an excellent decision about my birthday and about not going to this weekend's dance. I just need time.