Is this what Regret feels like?

I had a dream about J this morning. He was calling me on the phone saying "You know I had a lot of fun this year, but..." and suddenly I was there at his place. I said "where else would I be." And he asked me to come over to him, put his arms around me and I gave him a very light kiss on the side of his mouth and the next thing I know we are making out. That's when my alarm went off. Maybe it's better than way, but it's left me depressed today.

I know I've said it all before. I've been wanting to do this. So why does it feel like someone is trying to crush the life out me?

My heart is beating so hard and an elephant is sitting on my chest. I have a hard time getting through five minutes without wanting to cry.

Every sign in the book was there. My brain knew it. Why did it take this for my feelings to catch on.

I keep going back and forth with being "okay." It's okay to have J out of my life. It's okay because I chose to do this. It's not so okay to feel embarassed about it. I just can't be sure that I would have drifted away without this. I also keep thinking about how I can make things okay for him. (Talk about too nice.) I keep thinking that maybe I made him think that he lead me on. I'm not totally naive. I knew the whole time that we were NSA and casual. I just wanted more. He never game me any signals that there ever would be more. But why should I care if he knows that or not?

The plus side is that I've been to two dance classes and they rocked. Okay, a dance lesson and a dance practice. I tried to go to a lesson yesterday but it was canceled. So one of the guys there (very nice older guy) said we could practice some partner work and ended up teaching me some new stuff. It was very cool. I had a good time. Which means J can take a flying leap for all I care when it comes to my dancing. I do it for me. There was such satisfaction in being able to spin twice and not fall over and I know that it is all about me.

I'm just dreading a few weeks from now. I have a feeling that he'll be at the sunday dance I go to with BMG.