Happy Birthday to Me

I am officially older today. And I am officially shaving 5 years off my age. I figure everyone thinks I'm 18 as it is. Now, I'm not willing to un-burden myself of so many years that I can't claim to legally drink. So just 5 years. I figure I start now I'll be an old pro when I'm 40.

I'm skipping yoga tonight and next week (that's when it ends). I feel a little bad about it, but I can't bear the idea of running into J. Just the thought makes me hyperventilate and my heart starts beating like I'm a mouse in a trap (that hasn't been decapitated).

I am fully aware that I'm copping out by doing this. But I don't see the point in putting on a brave face and pretending like I'm okay. I'm not okay. Being seen by him is not going to miraculously change his non-existent feelings for me.

I'm also seriously considering not going to the April dance in 2 weeks. He's been there two months in a row with BMG. I know it's no garentee that he'll be there again (he only went to two with me when we first hooked up), but he seems more invested in her. I'm not going to have a good time if I have to see him there. I certainly don't want to have to talk to him. I really don't want to dance with him. I don't want to be mopey the whole time like the one where he met BMG. There is no such thing as "showing him what he is missing." J already knows what he's missing and still he chose someone else.

Sometimes I really do wish I could move and then I'd never have to worry about running into him.

Oh, and I'm throwing up again. It's been months, at least since Thanksgiving because I hadn't thrown up while I've been living in this apartment. It started at St. Patty's when I got collosally drunk and CF took me to get pancakes and sober up. There I was sobbing in the IHOP ladies room knowing that if I could just sober up I'd feel better. Well, I did, but only after puking the pancakes, my earlier dinner of thai, the sangria and other alcohol. I felt fantastic afterward.

Now it seems like everytime I go out I give myself permission to pig out knowing that I'll go home and get rid of it all. Being overly full with food that I know I shouldn't be eating (chips, fries, pizza) makes me feel aweful, gross, disgusting - and I'm falling into the trap of feeling wonderful once I throw up. It's energizing. Gets me off the couch. I don't feel sluggish afterward.

But I don't want to keep doing this. I know it's a result of feeling so depressed lately. I hate the idea that I'm letting something (anything but especially a guy) get to me this much. To the point where I feel the need to emotionally gorge myself in an effort to make myself feel better, but then feeling crappy 'cuz I just ate a shit-load of junk food, because I'm certainly not filling up on fruits and salads.

But I did eat a whole bowl of strawberries while visiting my mother on Saturday. I think I'm vitamin deprived. Today afterwork the grocery shopping will consist of nothing but produce. I have way more carbs and proteins and sugars at home than I really need. If I can stop now and start back to healthy eating I'll feel better in the long run.

In the mean time I'm still at work, it's gray and gloomy outside and I'd like to crawl back into bed.

Wow, this is turning into a really depressing birthday. I'm going spend the day at work, then grocery shopping and cleaning (or possibly sitting in front of the tv telling myself I should be cleaning), and then falling asleep.