Qu'est Que Ce

Well.

J did get back to me. I woke up this morning thinking maybe I'll text him and ask if he read it. But while I was doing some yoga stretches in my living room he emailed. I got it sometime after I got out of the shower.

He apologized for taking so long to write back but he was wondering what to do. The rest of it came as no shock to me at all. He's flattered, he was just having fun, he likes me as a friend now, he doesn't want things to change.

Which begs the question...why did I do it? I knew he'd lost interest in even coming over and I knew he'd never had feelings beyond the sex. So why did I need to make a big deal out of it. Couldn't I have moved on without making a fool of myself?

I thought knowing would be better. I thought if it was just made clear to me then I would be fine. I'm not fine. This sucks. He hopes our relationship won't change because he enjoys my company. I say that I have feelings for him, he says he was just having fun with me and doesn't want to anymore. How am I supposed to come away from that wanting to be his friend? I want to go back to bed. I want to curl up under the covers and cry until I fall asleep and then cry some more when I wake up.

My birthday party is on the 13th. I am at a loss as to what to do. I was feeling bold when I thought he was giving me the cold shoulder and I sent the invites out. Now I'd just like to burry my head in the sand or move away so I never have to see him again. I'm afraid that I'll hate dancing now. I think I was trying so hard in order to impress him. Like if I was a good enough dancer he'd want to be with me. What is the point now?

This is going to make me fat again I can tell. I'm going to end up avoiding the gym and dances so I don't run into him. God I hate this. If only I could safely drop off the face of the earth with out resorting to suicide.

With any luck this will be the last major entry regarding J. It is really and truely time to let it go.