Reality of this Weekend

Very little cleaning went on. So much for clean and airy and bright. No cover letter writing went on.

I've realized that unfortunately I've developed a depression ridden apathy. Granted I want to be anywhere but here right now. But I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything about it. I've gotten to the point where I just don't give a shit about much of anything.

On Friday I worked, had a chat with my old boss afterward. I realized in that chat that I could never go back and work there. This freelance business is alright. I can use the extra cash, but god help me if I had to spend 40 hours there again. Some of the perks would be nice. For instance I my rec center membership. I won't have it this summer. Better hours. 8 to 4 M-F. Right where I live. On the other hand I knew those things before I left. The real reason I couldn't go back is that I would never be treated like a professional. Sure, I'm over worked here and they give me work to do that I've never done before without giving me some direction on how it's supposed to get done. But at least they have that confidence in me that I'm a professional. I worked at my last place all through grad school. So to them I'll always be the baby that needs a helping hand. I'd prefer to find a place somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. Where a boss has confidence in me but also gives me some direction and never calls me a baby anything.

Then I worked out. It sucked. I was very lazy and unmotivated. Then I went home and watched DVDs. Watching DVDs was about the only goal I did manage to accomplish this weekend.

On Saturday I went to brunch at a friends house where I managed to feel akward, sullen and anti-social. I would have thought that 3 mimosas would have helped, but no. Part of the reason is that as I was driving to my friend's house I realized he lives in the same part of the city as J has said he lives. We walked to a grocery store down the block and I'm greeted to salsa music playing and get a "have a nice weekend" from a chasheir who could be BMG's prettier sister. Thanks, I needed that. After brunch everyone just sat outside and feeling as anti-social as I did I called it quits after a littl while and went home. I did manage to work out and once again it sucked, went home and watched DVDs.

On Sunday I needed a good workout so I went first thing in the morning. It was better at least, but not as good as earlier in the week. I'm not feeling the burn today which means I'm not pushing myself hard enough. I got home around noon and tried to figure out what I was going to do. I knew I needed a distraction from the fact that it was dance night and I wasn't going even though I was free. I actually thought I was going to go to the opera. Turandot was playing near by but I couldn't get their online ticket system to work. It either wouldn't log me in or denied my credit card which made no sense when I've got $1000 left on it and was trying to by a $50 ticket. Let me do the math??? yeah, that should work. I got fed up and then didn't feel like getting dressed up to go. Even though my original thougth pattern was maybe I'll meet some nice classy guy at the opera. Instead I figured I'd go to a movie.

I ended up calling the X to see if he wanted to go see a scary movie with me. Horror movies are the only kind that I actually mind going to by myself. I actually like to go to weekday matinees alone. It's like having a private screening.

He said that he would. We went. The movie was okay. He wouldn't let me buy the tickets and when I offered to buy the snacks he didn't want any. We went to dinner and he wouldn't let me buy that either. Despite the fact that I invited him and when we went out last week he also paid for dinner. We had a little fight over the bill and the waitress laughed at me. Why is it that waiters and waitresses always come down on the side of the man picking up the check? I swear it's the third or fourth time it's happened where they always say, oh just let him get it, or tell me that I'm not allowed to pay. These aren't all women either.

It turns out that I am a weak, weak individual.

I went back to his place. We played a video game for a bit and then the hockey playoffs. Sometime in the second period we started making out. It was obvious that is what the X was waiting for. It was obvious from the last time we went out too, even though we didn't then, that he was expecting it. I don't really blame him. This happened last year around my birthday too. I know that I shouldn't be doing this. He's moving in less than 3 months. I have no intention of dating him seriously, but there we were kissing, cuddling, having sex and cuddling on his couch.

Oy.

I got an email from the XX this weekend too. He had sent me a birthday card and his email was obsensibly to find out if I had gotten it. I don't like to think badly of him. I know I broke his heart. But the man is such a drama queen. Its instances like these that I know I did the right thing in saying no to him.

He tells me he feels "persona non grata" because he hasn't heard from me.

Sorry, dude, not falling for the guilt trip. It's been 4 months. We spent a weekend and one week together. It is not my fault you pined for 5 years and I didn't. You broke up with me remember?

I did say that I would write him a letter and then never did. But what was I going to say in it. I've grown up and you haven't. (Well of course, 'cuz I was 20 and he was 30 he was grown and I wasn't.) Now I find that I don't want to be with you. I was into somebody else at the time you came over. (I can't say that either.)

I was tempted to guilt him right back. Talk about how hard writing him has been and about how work among other things has made me really depressed. But I didn't. I just said yes I got it, it's on my fridge. How was his birthday? Mine was boring.

This is why I ignore J. I do not want him thinking of me the way I am of the XX right now. Much better that he not think of me at all than sigh and marvel at my pathetic-ness. Which is what I am doing in regard to the XX rignt now.

I want him to make up his mind. Does he want to be my friend or does he not. He left not wanting to have anything to do with me and now he's sending me cards and emails.