The XX left.
His flight back home doesn't leave until Saturday, but he's not here anymore. The short story is that he wanted a romantic relationship which I am not ready to have with him again. I would have liked some time to figure out if my old feelings for him could come back, but he didn't really want to give it to me. He disliked me putting him up in my living-room instead of my bed. He doesn't know how to divorce his romantic feelings from his attraction to me and wanted to salvage his trip by sleeping with me for the next week.
Call me crazy, but if someone says they love you should they be walking out the door when you say you won't have sex with them? I realize that intimacy is part of romantic love. But why should sex be the only way to have it?
I know that I've hurt him terribly and for that I hate myself. I feel like I never should have let him come visit me in the first place. But why couldn't he have respected my wishes and taken things slowly? Why couldn't we find out if we were still friends before finding out if we were still attracted to each other?
I'm angry and sad at the same time. He's waited four years to tell me he still loves me. He never tried before and now that he has, he won't wait for my feelings to change, to see if they'll change.
I truely hope that New Years Eve isn't really indicative of how your year will go. Because I am going to be sad and alone this year.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Friday, December 29, 2006
It's called personal space.
So the XX is here. He arrived on Tuesday a little unexectadly. I thought I'd get an "I landed" warning call, but instead I got an "I'm here" call. But whatever. I hadn't had time to blow up the airmattress that I was going to make him sleep on. I didn't get to clean my room so it was presentable or wash the dishes or my bathtub.
He's asked each morning if it's "okay" for him to be there. I say yes, of course it is. And he says I get the feeling you don't want me here, or I wonder if I've made a mistake in coming over here.
We went to see my family. (I know, but what else could I do, I don't see my brothers often or my neice and nephew. So I dragged the XX along.) He got along with everyone well and then the kicker. I said something insesitive to my mom (apparently moving out has not cured this disease) and went into the kitchen to apologize which she accepted and then I helped her clean. She then says to me how cute XX is and that she told my father so on the phone when he'd called. *picture me here with eyes bugging out* But it gets worse. Later as I'm sitting with my brothers and their wives and XX my mom comes out to say goodnight. She's saying how nice it was of him to come to dinner bla bla and then out of the blue she says "And what else did mom say about him?" As if I had come back to the kitchen and reported to the table her comment (and yes, she used the third person). Obviously I denied knowing anything, my brother looks at me with a "you don't want her to keep going do you?" look. XX insists on hearing it, because, well you can't say something like that and then not share. So she says she thinks he's sooo cute and told my father so. *picture my eyes popped out and my head hung in mortification*
It isn't that I care if my mom thinks he's cute. He is cute. It's that I specifically told her on more than one occasion that I wanted to see my family, but that I was afraid bringing XX would give him the wrong impression. I didn't want him to see it as a stepping stone to a relationship - It's time to meet my family - type. And there she goes talking to him like he's a boyfriend.
And now I'm behaving very stand-offish toward him. No wonder he's asking if I have a problem with him being here. It's not that he's here persae, it's just that he's in my personal space. I've only just gotten into this apartment. I haven't completely settled, haven't completely discovered it's quirks or where everything goes. And now he's here. I'm suddenly embarrased by the small things that were just part and parcel of having an inexpensive place. Like the fact that the tub drains slowly so you shower with water up to your ankles. Or that it's kind of cold because I leave the heat off if I'm not home, or that the heating unit occasionally likes to blow cool air. I am already frustrated with trying to find him free parking when I told him not to rent a car that he could use mine. I don't like feeling like a kid playing house around him. He's 7 years older than me his apartment when I met him (when he was my age now) was nicer and bigger than mine and was generally more established than I am. He brought be very thoughtful X-mas gifts, and then bought me a coffee maker and has said on occasion since he's been here "don't worry, I'll get you that" about something I don't have. He wanted to make coffee and was going to use my new coffee grinder which I haven't even used yet. That's when I realized that I was irritated at his presence. But it isn't him completely. I am on my own now and that's how I want to be, on my own. I appreciate help, I'm not saying I don't or that I don't need it. I just don't enjoy being coddled and I don't want to feel like I'm a little girl.
That is how I feel around him. It was fine 6 years ago when I was young and he was my first real relationship. I wanted to be taken care of. Now I wish he would stop trying to take care of me. It's not his place and it is wearing thin. It is wearing thin and he's here for another 8 days.
At the same time I am too nice to say anything. I realized, that I did the same thing the X. I was afraid that he'd hate me, I was afraid we wouldn't be friends anymore so I didn't tell him no when I felt no and instead I let it drag on until he ended up hurt. Now he doesn't speak to me. Self-fufilling prophesy. I'm going to have to come clean with the XX, I just don't know when.
We are supposed to visit my father's tomorrow. Maybe my gun-toting father will scare him off and I'll be off the hook.
He's asked each morning if it's "okay" for him to be there. I say yes, of course it is. And he says I get the feeling you don't want me here, or I wonder if I've made a mistake in coming over here.
We went to see my family. (I know, but what else could I do, I don't see my brothers often or my neice and nephew. So I dragged the XX along.) He got along with everyone well and then the kicker. I said something insesitive to my mom (apparently moving out has not cured this disease) and went into the kitchen to apologize which she accepted and then I helped her clean. She then says to me how cute XX is and that she told my father so on the phone when he'd called. *picture me here with eyes bugging out* But it gets worse. Later as I'm sitting with my brothers and their wives and XX my mom comes out to say goodnight. She's saying how nice it was of him to come to dinner bla bla and then out of the blue she says "And what else did mom say about him?" As if I had come back to the kitchen and reported to the table her comment (and yes, she used the third person). Obviously I denied knowing anything, my brother looks at me with a "you don't want her to keep going do you?" look. XX insists on hearing it, because, well you can't say something like that and then not share. So she says she thinks he's sooo cute and told my father so. *picture my eyes popped out and my head hung in mortification*
It isn't that I care if my mom thinks he's cute. He is cute. It's that I specifically told her on more than one occasion that I wanted to see my family, but that I was afraid bringing XX would give him the wrong impression. I didn't want him to see it as a stepping stone to a relationship - It's time to meet my family - type. And there she goes talking to him like he's a boyfriend.
And now I'm behaving very stand-offish toward him. No wonder he's asking if I have a problem with him being here. It's not that he's here persae, it's just that he's in my personal space. I've only just gotten into this apartment. I haven't completely settled, haven't completely discovered it's quirks or where everything goes. And now he's here. I'm suddenly embarrased by the small things that were just part and parcel of having an inexpensive place. Like the fact that the tub drains slowly so you shower with water up to your ankles. Or that it's kind of cold because I leave the heat off if I'm not home, or that the heating unit occasionally likes to blow cool air. I am already frustrated with trying to find him free parking when I told him not to rent a car that he could use mine. I don't like feeling like a kid playing house around him. He's 7 years older than me his apartment when I met him (when he was my age now) was nicer and bigger than mine and was generally more established than I am. He brought be very thoughtful X-mas gifts, and then bought me a coffee maker and has said on occasion since he's been here "don't worry, I'll get you that" about something I don't have. He wanted to make coffee and was going to use my new coffee grinder which I haven't even used yet. That's when I realized that I was irritated at his presence. But it isn't him completely. I am on my own now and that's how I want to be, on my own. I appreciate help, I'm not saying I don't or that I don't need it. I just don't enjoy being coddled and I don't want to feel like I'm a little girl.
That is how I feel around him. It was fine 6 years ago when I was young and he was my first real relationship. I wanted to be taken care of. Now I wish he would stop trying to take care of me. It's not his place and it is wearing thin. It is wearing thin and he's here for another 8 days.
At the same time I am too nice to say anything. I realized, that I did the same thing the X. I was afraid that he'd hate me, I was afraid we wouldn't be friends anymore so I didn't tell him no when I felt no and instead I let it drag on until he ended up hurt. Now he doesn't speak to me. Self-fufilling prophesy. I'm going to have to come clean with the XX, I just don't know when.
We are supposed to visit my father's tomorrow. Maybe my gun-toting father will scare him off and I'll be off the hook.
Friday, December 22, 2006
The down side to living alone
Jars.
Having someone else open jars. Usually I am good with this. But I have finally met my match with a jar of Trader Joe's Organic Marinara Sauce. I desperately need marinara sauce, but the lid will not budge. I have tried every trick in the book. Hot water on the lid. I banged it on the table, I banged it with a knife, I tried this weird jar opening gizmo that my mother gave me, I tried one of those non-slip grip pad things that is supposed to be for opening jars because some times your hand is too slippy to get a good grip. Nothing.
It.
Will.
Not.
Budge.
My poor lasagna is waiting for marinara and all I can do is disapoint it. I guess I go to plan B and have chocolate for dinner again.
Having someone else open jars. Usually I am good with this. But I have finally met my match with a jar of Trader Joe's Organic Marinara Sauce. I desperately need marinara sauce, but the lid will not budge. I have tried every trick in the book. Hot water on the lid. I banged it on the table, I banged it with a knife, I tried this weird jar opening gizmo that my mother gave me, I tried one of those non-slip grip pad things that is supposed to be for opening jars because some times your hand is too slippy to get a good grip. Nothing.
It.
Will.
Not.
Budge.
My poor lasagna is waiting for marinara and all I can do is disapoint it. I guess I go to plan B and have chocolate for dinner again.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Here I thought...
I was wandering my public library and I discovered this book Why You're Still Single: things your friends would tell you if you promised not to get mad.
Here I thought I was single because I wanted to be. Because I like the freedom of doing what I want when I want and not worrying if the SO is going to think I'm neglecting him. But what I have gleaned from skipping around and only reading the parts that struck my fancy, is that I'm single because I have lost the respect of the men I'm seeing by giving in to them and sleeping with them to early coupled with my being too busy to devote myself to the business of making a relationship work due to my fear of comitment.
In other words...I'm having too much fun and filling my time with other things that make me happy.
And yeah, I do have a fear of comitment, asylums always look like scary places on tv, I'm sure they're worse in real life.
Here I thought I was single because I wanted to be. Because I like the freedom of doing what I want when I want and not worrying if the SO is going to think I'm neglecting him. But what I have gleaned from skipping around and only reading the parts that struck my fancy, is that I'm single because I have lost the respect of the men I'm seeing by giving in to them and sleeping with them to early coupled with my being too busy to devote myself to the business of making a relationship work due to my fear of comitment.
In other words...I'm having too much fun and filling my time with other things that make me happy.
And yeah, I do have a fear of comitment, asylums always look like scary places on tv, I'm sure they're worse in real life.
Is there such a thing?
I wonder if there can be such a thing as a MILD Manic-Depression? Some people are diagnosed with mild depression, but can someone be only mildly manic?
Lately I've just be going...it started on Friday. I woke up at a reasonable hour, went to the gym, visited a friend of mine and her new baby, went out to lunch, returned a late video and then went shopping for hours. I bought a christmas tree and wreath, decorations for both, a kitchen cart, and other numerous items I needed for my new place -a coffe press, a coffee grinder, coffee beans (and no it's not caffeine, I haven't used them yet), an iron, an ironing board, febreeze etc. I got home pretty late and was feeling like I should go to bed instead I put on my dance music and proceeded to assemble my christmas tree, decorate it and decorate the wreath. I got to bed sometime after 1am. I had to work on Saturday so I get up do all that good stuff go to work and while I feel like I should be exhausted enough to just go straight to bed, I go shopping again, buy more decorations and more things for my apartment (like a humidifier). Take down all the decorations from the christmas tree and wreath and re-do it all. In the background I also had a movie going. Around 11pm I decide that it's a great time to put that kitchen cart together so I take out all the pieces and put it together while I'm on the phone with a friend of mine who wants to go for Indian food. But, I'd had 2/3 of a pizza that day so I just put my cart together instead. I even start moving the furniture and loading things onto my new kitchen cart.
Again I think it was 1 or 2 am before I decide it's time to go to bed. On Sunday, again I have to work, and I contimplated working out before hand, but I didn't really have the time so instead I cleaned my bathtub before taking a shower. So I go to work and from there I call J, then go dancing, leave there after 10 go to my mother's leave there after 11, get home and decide that instead of letting the box of stuff I got at mom's sit I'll put everything away and I do. About 1:30am I realize I need to move my car or I'll get a ticket. So I go to my car and drive for a bit find a close space I won't get a ticket at, get stopped by a lady wanting to know about the bus schedule (at 2am!). Finally I think I got into bed at 2:30 and got up at 6 for work. Which I did just fine. That is what is weird, I should feel exhausted. Part of me knows that I need sleep. My eyes feel heavy mostly, but the rest of me says keep going.
Yesterday I got a ton done at work and after I got home I blogged , worked out, blogged again, chatted online with a friend (ranting about racist politicians) and then decided that I need to re-assemble my kitchen cart because the shelves were at the wrong height to fit my tiny appliances (namely the airpopper which is the tallest). I got the idea after taking my air popper out of the box it moved in to make popcorn for dinner and not wanting it to go back in the box. So that is what I did. I took the shelves apart and reassembled them at better hights.
I got to bed a little earlier than I had been, but I had to get up at 5:30 to shower, as the building is doing something with the hot water today and shut it off at 6am. I got ready and went to my meeting for 8am.
I don't feel like I'm realy "manic" at least not in that paint 20 paintings with out sleeping during the night after a night of clubbing and still have energy to make belgian waffles in the morning. I wonder if it isn't more likely that because my exercise routine has failed me my body is trying to use up the energy that usually got spent working out. The classes I went to pushed me harder than I tend to on my own. But I danced for 4 hours on Sunday and still I was looking for things to do at home.
I know that I am prone to depression, but this weird burst of activity and not feeling like I need to sleep for 12 hours afterwards is new to me.
Lately I've just be going...it started on Friday. I woke up at a reasonable hour, went to the gym, visited a friend of mine and her new baby, went out to lunch, returned a late video and then went shopping for hours. I bought a christmas tree and wreath, decorations for both, a kitchen cart, and other numerous items I needed for my new place -a coffe press, a coffee grinder, coffee beans (and no it's not caffeine, I haven't used them yet), an iron, an ironing board, febreeze etc. I got home pretty late and was feeling like I should go to bed instead I put on my dance music and proceeded to assemble my christmas tree, decorate it and decorate the wreath. I got to bed sometime after 1am. I had to work on Saturday so I get up do all that good stuff go to work and while I feel like I should be exhausted enough to just go straight to bed, I go shopping again, buy more decorations and more things for my apartment (like a humidifier). Take down all the decorations from the christmas tree and wreath and re-do it all. In the background I also had a movie going. Around 11pm I decide that it's a great time to put that kitchen cart together so I take out all the pieces and put it together while I'm on the phone with a friend of mine who wants to go for Indian food. But, I'd had 2/3 of a pizza that day so I just put my cart together instead. I even start moving the furniture and loading things onto my new kitchen cart.
Again I think it was 1 or 2 am before I decide it's time to go to bed. On Sunday, again I have to work, and I contimplated working out before hand, but I didn't really have the time so instead I cleaned my bathtub before taking a shower. So I go to work and from there I call J, then go dancing, leave there after 10 go to my mother's leave there after 11, get home and decide that instead of letting the box of stuff I got at mom's sit I'll put everything away and I do. About 1:30am I realize I need to move my car or I'll get a ticket. So I go to my car and drive for a bit find a close space I won't get a ticket at, get stopped by a lady wanting to know about the bus schedule (at 2am!). Finally I think I got into bed at 2:30 and got up at 6 for work. Which I did just fine. That is what is weird, I should feel exhausted. Part of me knows that I need sleep. My eyes feel heavy mostly, but the rest of me says keep going.
Yesterday I got a ton done at work and after I got home I blogged , worked out, blogged again, chatted online with a friend (ranting about racist politicians) and then decided that I need to re-assemble my kitchen cart because the shelves were at the wrong height to fit my tiny appliances (namely the airpopper which is the tallest). I got the idea after taking my air popper out of the box it moved in to make popcorn for dinner and not wanting it to go back in the box. So that is what I did. I took the shelves apart and reassembled them at better hights.
I got to bed a little earlier than I had been, but I had to get up at 5:30 to shower, as the building is doing something with the hot water today and shut it off at 6am. I got ready and went to my meeting for 8am.
I don't feel like I'm realy "manic" at least not in that paint 20 paintings with out sleeping during the night after a night of clubbing and still have energy to make belgian waffles in the morning. I wonder if it isn't more likely that because my exercise routine has failed me my body is trying to use up the energy that usually got spent working out. The classes I went to pushed me harder than I tend to on my own. But I danced for 4 hours on Sunday and still I was looking for things to do at home.
I know that I am prone to depression, but this weird burst of activity and not feeling like I need to sleep for 12 hours afterwards is new to me.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
So I went
I dragged myself to the gym at 8. I'm glad I went. I hit the exercize high as I was finishing a mile run on the treadmill. I only ran a mile, but I did it the whole way at 6mi/hr. I used to be able to do two miles at that pace (I know it's not great, but I was working my way up). I think that by the weekend I'll be back at two miles at 6mi/hr. Then I power walked another mile on an a gradually increasing incline.
I think some of what kept me going was watching CNN. They were doing a peice on racism in America. The part I really paid attention to was about Colorado Representative Tancredo who compared Miami to a third-world country. His reasoning is not based on poverty, living conditions, illiteracy or crime statistics, but on the fact that immigrants who settle there don't completely assimilate into American culture, because they continue to speak Spanish instead of English. And he claims that he is not being racist. Mainly because he expects immigrants from anywhere to assimilate into "American Culture."
Now, call me a geek if you want, but when I hear the word Assimilate my brain automatically goes to the Borg - you know those creepy bio-technology hybrid people on Star Trek that lived in a hive-like environment. They were the bad guys. "Resistance is Futile" and "prepare to assimilate" were about the only things you heard from them. They wiped away individuality to the point that the only thoughts a borg had were the thoughts of the collective.
Tancredo went on to say that "multiculturalism" and "mulitlingualism" might be alright for the individual but was not good for a country or a community. Tell that to Quebec you jackass. What I don't understand is how homogony is supposed to help America. Is he wanting us to be even more intolerant as a whole nation than we already are? And how exactly is not being homogenous the equivalent of a third-world country? Unless he's thinking of places with sharp splits where genocide is taking place, but that is hardly happening in Miami. Well, unless a ton of people start taking Tancredo seriously and decide to take drastic action if the immigrants don't start acting more "American."
Another problem that I have with Tancredo's comments is the singling out of a Latino area. When ever people start mentioning Latinos and Hispanics everyone's mind jumps to illegal immigrants. The line between a race of people and a group of people defined by their actions is becoming blurred in many American's mind. Evidence of this is one of those dumb email surveys that friends send "Fill out all the questions and send it to everyone you want to clog the inboxes of with useless information they already know about you." I got one that had a question "How do you feel about Hispanics?" And the person (an acquaintance, I assure you) who sent it to me replied "as long as they are here legally I'm okay with it. But they should find a legal way of coming to this country or leave." I usually ignore those surveys, but this one I sent back with a scathing remark that the term "hispanic" does not refer to somone's immigration status. There are multi-generational hispanics and latinos in this country that are citizens and their parents, grandparents etc were citizens.
Whoo...I'm getting upset just thinking about it. Obviously it hits close to home for me. I get mistaken for alot of different nationalities. I walked into a chinese restarurant once and the Chinese girl behind the counter asked me if I was Chinese (my licence plate is chinese, but I am not). I've gotten Greek, Italian, Lebonese and even just everyday white. Some people do guess latino, I've had two people get it right on the first try. I understand because I always think that I look white. I inherited my father's fair skin and Irish nose. I did grow up closer to my mother's family and culture. Until we started having Thanksgiving with my Aunts (who like to deny their heritage due to percieved racism, and real racism when they were growing up. I've always admired my mother for being proud of who she was. Unlike my aunts, she realized that it's other people's problem with her, she just is who she is. The one thing I can say about my very conservative mother she is truely color blind.) my family always had Mexican food on Thanksgiving. It was the time that we got to pick our favorite giant meal and it was always Mexican with close to everything my mom knew how to make. I didn't grow up speaking Spanish, I had to take it in high school, but the other students always said I got A's because I was genetically pre-desposed to the language. And we didn't follow any "traditional" customs, so in someways I felt like I was just another white person who knew a little bit about another culture. I think that is why I have it so bad for J. He is like discovering the other half of myself.
Anyway...sheepishly I get down from my soapbox. I don't know where that outpouring came from.
The anger I felt toward this man spurred me on to more physical activity and revived my brain cells a bit too, I think (hence the coming back and blogging).
I stretched out after my run/walk. I couldn't take anymore of the Racism stories. I was planning on leaving but I saw that a guy from my dance class was also about to leave and I was afraid he would want to walk out with me. He's creepy. He leads by grabbing onto my wrist instead of my hand, which besides being dangerous (it can really hurt the girl because you're gripping her instead of the other way around) it's rude. It says "I don't trust you to follow my lead, therefore I will grab you and make you do what I want." He was the one obessed with dipping a couple of weeks ago. He would spin me around and then grab me with a force I thought was going to leave bruises to dip me. I did not want to walk out with him. So instead I hopped on the rowing machine and did 5 minutes at 1/2 the max resistance.
Last winter, when I first started my working out habit, I was doing the rowing machine alot. I would do 20-25 minutes at 1/2 or 2/3 of the max resistance. I was looking at my arms while I was stretching. I like my arms now. It has just been the last few months, but my triceps have finally started to stand out and I've gotten that cut that defines my shoulder. I know I got that from the twice a week weights and ballet (don't under-estimate the benefits of having to hold your arms out Jesus-like for the better part of an hour). Since my new job fucked up my work out schedule I haven't gotten to do much of either of those things. I don't want to lose the results that I've worked for.
Like the eating too. I was being fairly healthy. I wasn't doing fast food or vending machines. In the past month though I've had pizza at least 3 times that I can remember. And by pizza I don't mean a piece of, I mean the whole freaking thing. Ever since I took this new job my healthy eating has gone to shit. I keep eating out of the vending machine at work because it's there on the way to the break room. Yesterday I had trail mix, a candy bar, pretzels and a diet coke on top of my PB &J and apple for breakfast; salad, cous-cous and "chick'n" for lunch. I feel better for having gone to the gym, but I need to re-unite with my healthy eating habits.
This morning we had a breakfast meeting and I'm stuffed. I hope it gets me through the afternoon and I can make myself a sensible dinner.
I think some of what kept me going was watching CNN. They were doing a peice on racism in America. The part I really paid attention to was about Colorado Representative Tancredo who compared Miami to a third-world country. His reasoning is not based on poverty, living conditions, illiteracy or crime statistics, but on the fact that immigrants who settle there don't completely assimilate into American culture, because they continue to speak Spanish instead of English. And he claims that he is not being racist. Mainly because he expects immigrants from anywhere to assimilate into "American Culture."
Now, call me a geek if you want, but when I hear the word Assimilate my brain automatically goes to the Borg - you know those creepy bio-technology hybrid people on Star Trek that lived in a hive-like environment. They were the bad guys. "Resistance is Futile" and "prepare to assimilate" were about the only things you heard from them. They wiped away individuality to the point that the only thoughts a borg had were the thoughts of the collective.
Tancredo went on to say that "multiculturalism" and "mulitlingualism" might be alright for the individual but was not good for a country or a community. Tell that to Quebec you jackass. What I don't understand is how homogony is supposed to help America. Is he wanting us to be even more intolerant as a whole nation than we already are? And how exactly is not being homogenous the equivalent of a third-world country? Unless he's thinking of places with sharp splits where genocide is taking place, but that is hardly happening in Miami. Well, unless a ton of people start taking Tancredo seriously and decide to take drastic action if the immigrants don't start acting more "American."
Another problem that I have with Tancredo's comments is the singling out of a Latino area. When ever people start mentioning Latinos and Hispanics everyone's mind jumps to illegal immigrants. The line between a race of people and a group of people defined by their actions is becoming blurred in many American's mind. Evidence of this is one of those dumb email surveys that friends send "Fill out all the questions and send it to everyone you want to clog the inboxes of with useless information they already know about you." I got one that had a question "How do you feel about Hispanics?" And the person (an acquaintance, I assure you) who sent it to me replied "as long as they are here legally I'm okay with it. But they should find a legal way of coming to this country or leave." I usually ignore those surveys, but this one I sent back with a scathing remark that the term "hispanic" does not refer to somone's immigration status. There are multi-generational hispanics and latinos in this country that are citizens and their parents, grandparents etc were citizens.
Whoo...I'm getting upset just thinking about it. Obviously it hits close to home for me. I get mistaken for alot of different nationalities. I walked into a chinese restarurant once and the Chinese girl behind the counter asked me if I was Chinese (my licence plate is chinese, but I am not). I've gotten Greek, Italian, Lebonese and even just everyday white. Some people do guess latino, I've had two people get it right on the first try. I understand because I always think that I look white. I inherited my father's fair skin and Irish nose. I did grow up closer to my mother's family and culture. Until we started having Thanksgiving with my Aunts (who like to deny their heritage due to percieved racism, and real racism when they were growing up. I've always admired my mother for being proud of who she was. Unlike my aunts, she realized that it's other people's problem with her, she just is who she is. The one thing I can say about my very conservative mother she is truely color blind.) my family always had Mexican food on Thanksgiving. It was the time that we got to pick our favorite giant meal and it was always Mexican with close to everything my mom knew how to make. I didn't grow up speaking Spanish, I had to take it in high school, but the other students always said I got A's because I was genetically pre-desposed to the language. And we didn't follow any "traditional" customs, so in someways I felt like I was just another white person who knew a little bit about another culture. I think that is why I have it so bad for J. He is like discovering the other half of myself.
Anyway...sheepishly I get down from my soapbox. I don't know where that outpouring came from.
The anger I felt toward this man spurred me on to more physical activity and revived my brain cells a bit too, I think (hence the coming back and blogging).
I stretched out after my run/walk. I couldn't take anymore of the Racism stories. I was planning on leaving but I saw that a guy from my dance class was also about to leave and I was afraid he would want to walk out with me. He's creepy. He leads by grabbing onto my wrist instead of my hand, which besides being dangerous (it can really hurt the girl because you're gripping her instead of the other way around) it's rude. It says "I don't trust you to follow my lead, therefore I will grab you and make you do what I want." He was the one obessed with dipping a couple of weeks ago. He would spin me around and then grab me with a force I thought was going to leave bruises to dip me. I did not want to walk out with him. So instead I hopped on the rowing machine and did 5 minutes at 1/2 the max resistance.
Last winter, when I first started my working out habit, I was doing the rowing machine alot. I would do 20-25 minutes at 1/2 or 2/3 of the max resistance. I was looking at my arms while I was stretching. I like my arms now. It has just been the last few months, but my triceps have finally started to stand out and I've gotten that cut that defines my shoulder. I know I got that from the twice a week weights and ballet (don't under-estimate the benefits of having to hold your arms out Jesus-like for the better part of an hour). Since my new job fucked up my work out schedule I haven't gotten to do much of either of those things. I don't want to lose the results that I've worked for.
Like the eating too. I was being fairly healthy. I wasn't doing fast food or vending machines. In the past month though I've had pizza at least 3 times that I can remember. And by pizza I don't mean a piece of, I mean the whole freaking thing. Ever since I took this new job my healthy eating has gone to shit. I keep eating out of the vending machine at work because it's there on the way to the break room. Yesterday I had trail mix, a candy bar, pretzels and a diet coke on top of my PB &J and apple for breakfast; salad, cous-cous and "chick'n" for lunch. I feel better for having gone to the gym, but I need to re-unite with my healthy eating habits.
This morning we had a breakfast meeting and I'm stuffed. I hope it gets me through the afternoon and I can make myself a sensible dinner.
Monday, December 18, 2006
"Well Meaning" Translates to Meddling
"I taught J to cha cha and he really likes it." Remind me again why I invited Summer Class Girl to go dancing with me? She wasn't going to go, but I thought it would be fun and all I get for it is that statement. In my head I replied "Yeah, well I fucked 5 days ago...you?"
The upside...she was very into some other guys there getting and giving numbers. Which means she must not be seriously into J.
But...the real story. I got trapped by this guy at the dance I went to last night. Not that he wasn't nice, but I wasn't there to talk (and trying to talk over the music just gave me sore throat) I was there to dance. The guy was nice enough, Spanish from Spain, and we chatted. I finally asked him to dance so that I could have an excuse to end the conversation. He kept wanting me to answer questions about myself and I just didn't want to talk. He invited me to a New Years party and gave me his card. He asked for mine, but I said I didn't have one. Even if I had one on me, it's for work.
So I stop at my mother's to pick up some mail, I had a college's friend's Christmas party invite in the pile so I was glad I went. I'm just mentioning that I got a break from dancing because this guy wouldn't stop talking to me. And suddenly my mom is all "What is he like? What's he look like? Why didn't you give him your number? Aren't you going to go out with him?" Ummmm...no.
The sad thing is that if it were only my mom I could understand, but everywhere I look someone is trying to hook me up with guys. What is it about a single girl that screams to those around her "Help the poor soul, she's man-less."
It's frustrating because I can't say that I have a man, of sorts. Or that if I were to go out with anyone I would want it to be him. Because according to everyone around me I'm "not like that." My mother thinks that I'm "not into sex." Her words I swear! It is difficult trying to live up to a certain image for other people. It sucks that I feel I have to. If it weren't that it would ruin J's life, and that I know better, I'd almost wish I'd get pregnant so I can show them all that I'm not perfect, I'm not virginal, and my values are not their values. It would force me to stop pretending.
I pretend to be "good" for my family. I pretend to know what I'm doing and that I'm settling in at work for my boss and coworkers. I pretend to have it all together for my friends because they're pretending to have it all together. I pretend to be cool and casual with J. I'm just plain hiding things from my XX. I have one brother, the eldest, who I think can see through my bull-shit, not that either of us would actually talk about any of the things I do. It's just little things he'll say and then let pass.
I stayed at work too long. I've been expecting J to call today like he said would. But he's not going to. I was going to go work out over half an hour ago. All I really want to do is sit here surf blogs, or watch a movie and eat. I've been stuffing my face lately. It's horrible. I ate from the vending machine three times today - trail mix, a candy bar, pretzels and a coke (those last two were on the same trip). That is on top of the PB & J and apple I had for breakfast and the salad, cous-cous, and "chick'n" pattie I had for lunch. I feel disgusting, but I can't seem to motivate myself to eat better.
We are having a breakfast meeting at work tomorrow. There is going to be tons of food there. I know this, but I'm still typing and not walking to the gym. I am dying for Indian food. A friend of mine and I keep saying that we will go one of these days but we don't. I read a bunch of recipes for black beans and sweet potatoes today at work and I want those too. It's terrible. I must stop.
I must go run and then sleep.
They are turning off our hot water at 6 am tomorrow. 6! Which means getting up an hour and a half early in order to shower tomorrow.
The upside...she was very into some other guys there getting and giving numbers. Which means she must not be seriously into J.
But...the real story. I got trapped by this guy at the dance I went to last night. Not that he wasn't nice, but I wasn't there to talk (and trying to talk over the music just gave me sore throat) I was there to dance. The guy was nice enough, Spanish from Spain, and we chatted. I finally asked him to dance so that I could have an excuse to end the conversation. He kept wanting me to answer questions about myself and I just didn't want to talk. He invited me to a New Years party and gave me his card. He asked for mine, but I said I didn't have one. Even if I had one on me, it's for work.
So I stop at my mother's to pick up some mail, I had a college's friend's Christmas party invite in the pile so I was glad I went. I'm just mentioning that I got a break from dancing because this guy wouldn't stop talking to me. And suddenly my mom is all "What is he like? What's he look like? Why didn't you give him your number? Aren't you going to go out with him?" Ummmm...no.
The sad thing is that if it were only my mom I could understand, but everywhere I look someone is trying to hook me up with guys. What is it about a single girl that screams to those around her "Help the poor soul, she's man-less."
It's frustrating because I can't say that I have a man, of sorts. Or that if I were to go out with anyone I would want it to be him. Because according to everyone around me I'm "not like that." My mother thinks that I'm "not into sex." Her words I swear! It is difficult trying to live up to a certain image for other people. It sucks that I feel I have to. If it weren't that it would ruin J's life, and that I know better, I'd almost wish I'd get pregnant so I can show them all that I'm not perfect, I'm not virginal, and my values are not their values. It would force me to stop pretending.
I pretend to be "good" for my family. I pretend to know what I'm doing and that I'm settling in at work for my boss and coworkers. I pretend to have it all together for my friends because they're pretending to have it all together. I pretend to be cool and casual with J. I'm just plain hiding things from my XX. I have one brother, the eldest, who I think can see through my bull-shit, not that either of us would actually talk about any of the things I do. It's just little things he'll say and then let pass.
I stayed at work too long. I've been expecting J to call today like he said would. But he's not going to. I was going to go work out over half an hour ago. All I really want to do is sit here surf blogs, or watch a movie and eat. I've been stuffing my face lately. It's horrible. I ate from the vending machine three times today - trail mix, a candy bar, pretzels and a coke (those last two were on the same trip). That is on top of the PB & J and apple I had for breakfast and the salad, cous-cous, and "chick'n" pattie I had for lunch. I feel disgusting, but I can't seem to motivate myself to eat better.
We are having a breakfast meeting at work tomorrow. There is going to be tons of food there. I know this, but I'm still typing and not walking to the gym. I am dying for Indian food. A friend of mine and I keep saying that we will go one of these days but we don't. I read a bunch of recipes for black beans and sweet potatoes today at work and I want those too. It's terrible. I must stop.
I must go run and then sleep.
They are turning off our hot water at 6 am tomorrow. 6! Which means getting up an hour and a half early in order to shower tomorrow.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Wednesday December 13
I've never been that girl. the girl that sleeps around. not that it's really anyone's business, but I just never understood the Sex in the City attitude toward se. I've slept with my boyfrieds and again when they were my exes. Until recently, that is.
I did call J last night when I got home from work. I really needed my sleep, but after the one quick call at work I started getting excited to see him. So he came over and I showed him my apartment. I have to say that it was weird at first. Not having him there, just being with him. I kept thinking to myself this is only sex and wondering why I was doing it. But then he said my name and I kind of melted. Lying there with him was a little weird at first. In the car we'd always lounged and talked afterward (when he had the time to stick around). I guess I was waiting for him to say, well gotta run. But he didn't and he held me.
At one point he did ask me if I'd been behaving myself. At first I thought he was asking if I'd been with anyone else. For all he knows I do sleep around. I sleep with him after all. I've stayed on the pill all this time. But in retrospect I don't think he was asking that at all. We have joked about masturbating in the past. I told him that I was indeed behaving myself. But, really I haven't. I have the XX coming to visit. I was with the XX a month ago. I am stuck in this akward position now. I don't want to sleep with the XX when he comes in a couple of weeks, but I think that he's expecting it. He is traveling across an ocean to see me, to tell me he still loves me and see if I can't love him back. I didn't even really want to sleep with the XX when I saw him last month. I was angry with J. I was angry with myself for my feelings for J and I went to see the XX in an attempt to drown out those feelings.
Well, J didn't run off like I had expected. It was actually quite nice, considering it had been two months since we were last together. When he finally did say that he had to go he got dressed, I put on a shirt and walked him to the door. He kept kissing me good-bye. Every time he would go to leave he'd kiss me again. And not just a see you later peck, but super intense, hard, pulling me close like he didn't want to leave kind of kisses. It was all I could do not to ask him to stay longer.
I was basically euphoric after closing the door behind him. I got out my phone to text him and thought better of it. Instead I went to sleep on my euphoric high and texted him in the morning. I don't really know what I was trying to accomplish with that. I just wanted him to know that I was glad we had finally gotten together and I hoped that it wouldn't be so long before the next time. I'm kicking myself now, but there you go.
I did call J last night when I got home from work. I really needed my sleep, but after the one quick call at work I started getting excited to see him. So he came over and I showed him my apartment. I have to say that it was weird at first. Not having him there, just being with him. I kept thinking to myself this is only sex and wondering why I was doing it. But then he said my name and I kind of melted. Lying there with him was a little weird at first. In the car we'd always lounged and talked afterward (when he had the time to stick around). I guess I was waiting for him to say, well gotta run. But he didn't and he held me.
At one point he did ask me if I'd been behaving myself. At first I thought he was asking if I'd been with anyone else. For all he knows I do sleep around. I sleep with him after all. I've stayed on the pill all this time. But in retrospect I don't think he was asking that at all. We have joked about masturbating in the past. I told him that I was indeed behaving myself. But, really I haven't. I have the XX coming to visit. I was with the XX a month ago. I am stuck in this akward position now. I don't want to sleep with the XX when he comes in a couple of weeks, but I think that he's expecting it. He is traveling across an ocean to see me, to tell me he still loves me and see if I can't love him back. I didn't even really want to sleep with the XX when I saw him last month. I was angry with J. I was angry with myself for my feelings for J and I went to see the XX in an attempt to drown out those feelings.
Well, J didn't run off like I had expected. It was actually quite nice, considering it had been two months since we were last together. When he finally did say that he had to go he got dressed, I put on a shirt and walked him to the door. He kept kissing me good-bye. Every time he would go to leave he'd kiss me again. And not just a see you later peck, but super intense, hard, pulling me close like he didn't want to leave kind of kisses. It was all I could do not to ask him to stay longer.
I was basically euphoric after closing the door behind him. I got out my phone to text him and thought better of it. Instead I went to sleep on my euphoric high and texted him in the morning. I don't really know what I was trying to accomplish with that. I just wanted him to know that I was glad we had finally gotten together and I hoped that it wouldn't be so long before the next time. I'm kicking myself now, but there you go.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
It's alive!
Yay for Wi-Fi!! Finally my wireless is working in my new place so I can blog to my heart's conent and not get fired from my job.
I had a whole blog hand written that I was going to transcribe here, but I left it in my book at work. I'm not going to try to re-create it.
Suffice it to say...I called J when I got home last night. He came over. I texted him this morning (doh!) and saw him for all of 5 minutes (no class) today. *Sigh*
Tomorrow I shall lift the suspence by typing up what I wrote, but now, it's bed time (alone). *double sigh*
I had a whole blog hand written that I was going to transcribe here, but I left it in my book at work. I'm not going to try to re-create it.
Suffice it to say...I called J when I got home last night. He came over. I texted him this morning (doh!) and saw him for all of 5 minutes (no class) today. *Sigh*
Tomorrow I shall lift the suspence by typing up what I wrote, but now, it's bed time (alone). *double sigh*
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
And he calls
7:15pm I get a call from J. He wanted to know if I was home. But I'm at work until 9pm. He tells me he'll be around if I want to call him when I'm done that he'll come by. An hour and a half after I write about not needing his excuses. I am beginning to think I don't need him either. It must the male psychic instinct to call when a girl is about to give up on them.
I don't get home until 9:45. I have to be up at 5:30 in the AM. But I'm still contemplating calling him when I get home. I mean, he's got a project due on thursday but he's calling me...
hmm...if only he'd been so considerate earlier in the semester.
I don't get home until 9:45. I have to be up at 5:30 in the AM. But I'm still contemplating calling him when I get home. I mean, he's got a project due on thursday but he's calling me...
hmm...if only he'd been so considerate earlier in the semester.
Why oh Why?
Living in my own place is lonely. On the one hand it's nice to have my own space, to know that everything there is mine to use and I'm not going to find anything gone out of the fridge or the tv being used. On the other hand there's just me. I go home at it's empty.
I've got a friend who's boyfriend is out of town for all of December. And once the holiday's arrive I'll be going here and there.
J called me last night after class and said that he'd have to come by to see my new place sometime. Maybe this week. He'd try. But he's got a project due on Thursday and works all of Friday. And he thinks he might be coming down with the flu. I wish he'd just tell me he's done with me. I don't want or need these excuses.
The thought of XX coming to visit is not filling me with excitement like it did when I first told him he could come visit. My family is now talking about coming into town for that week after Christmas. That would be awkward.
I'm still overwhelmed by work. I am having to plan 6 months ahead in this job. I have never done this shit before and they are expecting me to plan this far ahead, have budgets worked out, have the rooms, the times the people lined up.
What have I done? More than ever I just want to run away. My most recent off the wall fantasy is going to Canada and from there visiting Cuba only to decide to stay.
I've got a friend who's boyfriend is out of town for all of December. And once the holiday's arrive I'll be going here and there.
J called me last night after class and said that he'd have to come by to see my new place sometime. Maybe this week. He'd try. But he's got a project due on Thursday and works all of Friday. And he thinks he might be coming down with the flu. I wish he'd just tell me he's done with me. I don't want or need these excuses.
The thought of XX coming to visit is not filling me with excitement like it did when I first told him he could come visit. My family is now talking about coming into town for that week after Christmas. That would be awkward.
I'm still overwhelmed by work. I am having to plan 6 months ahead in this job. I have never done this shit before and they are expecting me to plan this far ahead, have budgets worked out, have the rooms, the times the people lined up.
What have I done? More than ever I just want to run away. My most recent off the wall fantasy is going to Canada and from there visiting Cuba only to decide to stay.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
It's been awhile
Well, I did it. I had the XX call me over the weekend. I wanted to talk to him and get clear just what he meant when he said he hadn't gotten over me and wanted to visit to see where things could go.
It's weird. I have no hope with J. If it wasn't abundantly clear before it is becoming so. I moved into a new place and he tells me he has to grade papers. Huh? Now, I realize that not every man out there is a total horn dog taking every opportunity to get laid by any willing girl. But I'm a little shocked that a 25 year old isn't jumping at the chance for commitment free sex. It really boggles my mind. Unless I'm totally short changing him and he's deeper than I think. But all evidence points to the contrary.
Anyway, with the hopes of my crush being, well, crushed slowly but surely, I told the XX to come visit over Christmas (or should I say X-mas?). I told him point blank that for 4 years (3 since we last saw each other, the break up was a year before that) I have had it in my mind that he didn't want me. I realized that our differing citizenship only compounded the difficulties in keeping the relationship going, but he never once said, "I can't marry you to keep you in my country, but I love you and I want us to figure something out." He just said, "we aren't headed for marriage and we shouldn't just so you can stay, so it's over." It makes me angry that he's wasted 4 years. I know why he did. His situation was an unhappy one that didn't facilitate a long distance relationship. But I could have done something. I could have gotten my advanced degree over there. I looked into it, but I didn't want to be the girl that chases the man who doesn't want her. I wasn't going to go over there thinking proximity would make a difference only to end up in a foreign country alone and regretting my decision. I also resented the fact that I was the one who had to make the effort to do something to keep us together.
But now he is making the effort. He loves me. I can't just turn my back on that. I may not be able to guarantee that I will end up falling in love with him again, I have to give this a chance.
He's not 25. He's not a hot latin dancer. But he loves me. He's willing to come across an ocean to be with me and that counts for alot.
I am afraid that my will power with J is non-existant though. I don't want to cheat if XX and decide to try the long distance relationship this time. Although he has not said that he wants to, the XX does claim that his intentions are honorable. How ironic would it be though...the XX comes all the way over an ocean to have sex with me and I can't get J to come up in an elevator.
I'm afraid that I want my cake and to eat it too. I enjoy the freedom of being single going where I want when I want not worrying if the SO is interested. But I miss the companionship of an SO, that person who is there for you to listen to hang out to snuggle with. Not that you can hang out and snuggle in the L-D-R.
A part of me wishes that 6 months ago the XX had called up and said move to London. I might have gone. Maybe not though. That is when I met J. I like the fluttery excited feeling I get with J. Sometimes I kick myself because I forget what's on my mind and what I want to say to him because my nerves get to me. But the XX has that warm comfortable cuddly feeling around him. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that I love J.
On class on Monday only 4 people came. Two couples. So we were just dancing and J would call switch every once in a while. Then about 1/2 way he cuts the music and says he'll teach us a move. He picks a dip because he knows that the one guy, my partner (for the most part) wants to learn a dip. I was hoping he was going to teach an easy one like a side dip, but no. J teaches the ultra slow and sexy front dip. It is the same dip he did the first time he ever kissed me. It was fun demonstrating it with him. I was getting very turned on and I was sure that he'd come home with me afterward. I was less than pleased to have to practice the dip with the other guy. For one the other guy leads like he's trying to get a donkey to budge. I feel like my arms are going to pop out of their sockets. Other Guy also can't keep the beat and ends up on the wrong foot which throws me off and he thinks it's my fault. He's kind of yucky and I didn't want his hands on me. But there you go, that's what you get when you take lessons. OG just kept doing the dip over and over again. He wasn't doing it exactly right, which I was grateful for for once. He wasn't getting super close and intimate about it although there were a few times when he would grab me so hard I thought I was going to find bruises. OG also has a habit of grabbing my wrist instead of my hand to lead me. Which I find uber-rude. It's about leading a partner not forcing them to do what you want. J would take me away sometimes and demonstrate again how it should be done, all slow and close and sexy. I was understandably disappointed that after getting me all hot and bothered J said he had to go grade papers. Wednesday he cancelled class. It's been 2 months! 2 months! since we were last together. No wonder I'm considering moving on to the XX and the overseas relationship. I'd probably get some a little more often!
Speaking of dance partners:
I went out on Saturday after moving my stuff into my new place. A dance lesson and then an open dance. Guess who showed up? L! He said hi and we danced part of a song during the lesson during a partner switch, but he danced one song during the open dance before leaving. I wish I didn't think that I scared him away. But part of me thinks I did.
It's weird. I have no hope with J. If it wasn't abundantly clear before it is becoming so. I moved into a new place and he tells me he has to grade papers. Huh? Now, I realize that not every man out there is a total horn dog taking every opportunity to get laid by any willing girl. But I'm a little shocked that a 25 year old isn't jumping at the chance for commitment free sex. It really boggles my mind. Unless I'm totally short changing him and he's deeper than I think. But all evidence points to the contrary.
Anyway, with the hopes of my crush being, well, crushed slowly but surely, I told the XX to come visit over Christmas (or should I say X-mas?). I told him point blank that for 4 years (3 since we last saw each other, the break up was a year before that) I have had it in my mind that he didn't want me. I realized that our differing citizenship only compounded the difficulties in keeping the relationship going, but he never once said, "I can't marry you to keep you in my country, but I love you and I want us to figure something out." He just said, "we aren't headed for marriage and we shouldn't just so you can stay, so it's over." It makes me angry that he's wasted 4 years. I know why he did. His situation was an unhappy one that didn't facilitate a long distance relationship. But I could have done something. I could have gotten my advanced degree over there. I looked into it, but I didn't want to be the girl that chases the man who doesn't want her. I wasn't going to go over there thinking proximity would make a difference only to end up in a foreign country alone and regretting my decision. I also resented the fact that I was the one who had to make the effort to do something to keep us together.
But now he is making the effort. He loves me. I can't just turn my back on that. I may not be able to guarantee that I will end up falling in love with him again, I have to give this a chance.
He's not 25. He's not a hot latin dancer. But he loves me. He's willing to come across an ocean to be with me and that counts for alot.
I am afraid that my will power with J is non-existant though. I don't want to cheat if XX and decide to try the long distance relationship this time. Although he has not said that he wants to, the XX does claim that his intentions are honorable. How ironic would it be though...the XX comes all the way over an ocean to have sex with me and I can't get J to come up in an elevator.
I'm afraid that I want my cake and to eat it too. I enjoy the freedom of being single going where I want when I want not worrying if the SO is interested. But I miss the companionship of an SO, that person who is there for you to listen to hang out to snuggle with. Not that you can hang out and snuggle in the L-D-R.
A part of me wishes that 6 months ago the XX had called up and said move to London. I might have gone. Maybe not though. That is when I met J. I like the fluttery excited feeling I get with J. Sometimes I kick myself because I forget what's on my mind and what I want to say to him because my nerves get to me. But the XX has that warm comfortable cuddly feeling around him. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that I love J.
On class on Monday only 4 people came. Two couples. So we were just dancing and J would call switch every once in a while. Then about 1/2 way he cuts the music and says he'll teach us a move. He picks a dip because he knows that the one guy, my partner (for the most part) wants to learn a dip. I was hoping he was going to teach an easy one like a side dip, but no. J teaches the ultra slow and sexy front dip. It is the same dip he did the first time he ever kissed me. It was fun demonstrating it with him. I was getting very turned on and I was sure that he'd come home with me afterward. I was less than pleased to have to practice the dip with the other guy. For one the other guy leads like he's trying to get a donkey to budge. I feel like my arms are going to pop out of their sockets. Other Guy also can't keep the beat and ends up on the wrong foot which throws me off and he thinks it's my fault. He's kind of yucky and I didn't want his hands on me. But there you go, that's what you get when you take lessons. OG just kept doing the dip over and over again. He wasn't doing it exactly right, which I was grateful for for once. He wasn't getting super close and intimate about it although there were a few times when he would grab me so hard I thought I was going to find bruises. OG also has a habit of grabbing my wrist instead of my hand to lead me. Which I find uber-rude. It's about leading a partner not forcing them to do what you want. J would take me away sometimes and demonstrate again how it should be done, all slow and close and sexy. I was understandably disappointed that after getting me all hot and bothered J said he had to go grade papers. Wednesday he cancelled class. It's been 2 months! 2 months! since we were last together. No wonder I'm considering moving on to the XX and the overseas relationship. I'd probably get some a little more often!
Speaking of dance partners:
I went out on Saturday after moving my stuff into my new place. A dance lesson and then an open dance. Guess who showed up? L! He said hi and we danced part of a song during the lesson during a partner switch, but he danced one song during the open dance before leaving. I wish I didn't think that I scared him away. But part of me thinks I did.
Monday, November 27, 2006
[Insert Snappy Title Here]
Week 3 of the new job is comencing and the real work is starting to approach. Pretty soon I will be left on my own to do my job without the training wheels. Not that my co-workers aren't very helpful, I definitely feel like I can ask them questions. I think it is a testament to the training that I have gotten that I don't feel nearly as lost as I did in my other job. There is not a lack of things to get done and I have at least been told what I should be doing. What I miss most, and perhaps this is what kept me in school so long and attracted me to the idea of editing, are deadlines. Due dates. They keep me focused. Sure I've tried imposing due dates on myself, but that doesn't really do anything for me, I just end up ignoring them.
On another note, the XX finally emailed me with pictures from the wedding we went to. He still wants to visit at Christmas, despite the fact that we haven't really talked about what we're trying to accomplish here.
And I move on Friday! Whoo hoo.
On another note, the XX finally emailed me with pictures from the wedding we went to. He still wants to visit at Christmas, despite the fact that we haven't really talked about what we're trying to accomplish here.
And I move on Friday! Whoo hoo.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
I knew it
Well, I was beginning to doubt it really. The whole ignore-him-he'll-come-running strategy was beginning to take it's toll on me, but I can't lie, it did work.
Yesterday I got back to dance class. This weekend had been so much fun and having an old flame tell me how wonderful and irraplaceble I am helped my ego a little bit. I got there, said hello, and sarted talking to the assistant. I was obviously in a good mood we chatted about my weekend (since I had missed her ballet class) and my new job. J was just talking to other class people and told them to warm up. The class attendance worked out perfectly with there being one less guy, so that J danced with a girl in class. He switches the couples up constantly so I knew I'd get to dance with him at some point. And I did. Then he even used me to demonstrate another move. I had seen Pink Sweat Suit Girl in the gym earlier and I was wondering if she was going to show up. But I realized at some point that I didn't really care if she did or not because it wasn't going to change anything. Well she did show up about five minutes before class and at the end of class J said that though class was over he was going to stay and dance if anyone else wanted to. I stayed and danced with some other guy while J danced with PSS Girl for maybe 20 minutes. Then I took my shoes off, J said he was too tired to keep going. I got ready to leave while he chatted to PSSG in thier native tongues. I think it's becuase she's more comfortable in the language and not really to be rude. Not that it matters, I caught some of it, if not every word, he was just asking her about Thanksgiving. Then right before I left he asked me when I was moving into my apartment. I told him the truth, that I don't know but I was going to call and find out when I found my phone, said bye and walked away.
I wasn't angry or bitter or pissed off like I would have been a week or two ago. I went and had coffee with a friend of mine. Left a message for the land lord to find out when I can move in and went home to watch Heroes. Oh, and I tried calling the XX, but no luck. I am beginning to think that maybe he's sorry he said anything after the wedding.
Originally I was going to give J until Monday to call me or get together with me, but I saw him yesterday and I knew that a Monday get-together wasn't going to happen. And deep down even though he took my number, I kind of thought that he wasn't really going to use it. But he called me. About half an hour ago.
I had taken my dinner break before 5 so that I could call the apartment guy again and find out what's going on. They're almost done it turns out. This week everything will be finished, next week I can sign a lease and get keys! About 10 minutes later my phone rings and it turns out to be J. I had deleted him from my phonebook, but felt bad so I found an old bill and put his number back in with a note "do not call" next to it. In case I was ever tempted. He wanted to get togther, but I'm at work so I can't. I think it's a good thing that I'm not always available, lets him know I have a life.
He did let me know about next semester's advanced dance class which I was so hoping was going to be on Mondays and Wednesdays like this semester's beginning class only later. But it's not, it's going to be on Tuesdays which means I won't always be able to go. I think I can finagle it so that I can make every other one with my current work schedule. He was really nice and says that I'm still welcome to come to the beginning class if I want.
Yesterday I got back to dance class. This weekend had been so much fun and having an old flame tell me how wonderful and irraplaceble I am helped my ego a little bit. I got there, said hello, and sarted talking to the assistant. I was obviously in a good mood we chatted about my weekend (since I had missed her ballet class) and my new job. J was just talking to other class people and told them to warm up. The class attendance worked out perfectly with there being one less guy, so that J danced with a girl in class. He switches the couples up constantly so I knew I'd get to dance with him at some point. And I did. Then he even used me to demonstrate another move. I had seen Pink Sweat Suit Girl in the gym earlier and I was wondering if she was going to show up. But I realized at some point that I didn't really care if she did or not because it wasn't going to change anything. Well she did show up about five minutes before class and at the end of class J said that though class was over he was going to stay and dance if anyone else wanted to. I stayed and danced with some other guy while J danced with PSS Girl for maybe 20 minutes. Then I took my shoes off, J said he was too tired to keep going. I got ready to leave while he chatted to PSSG in thier native tongues. I think it's becuase she's more comfortable in the language and not really to be rude. Not that it matters, I caught some of it, if not every word, he was just asking her about Thanksgiving. Then right before I left he asked me when I was moving into my apartment. I told him the truth, that I don't know but I was going to call and find out when I found my phone, said bye and walked away.
I wasn't angry or bitter or pissed off like I would have been a week or two ago. I went and had coffee with a friend of mine. Left a message for the land lord to find out when I can move in and went home to watch Heroes. Oh, and I tried calling the XX, but no luck. I am beginning to think that maybe he's sorry he said anything after the wedding.
Originally I was going to give J until Monday to call me or get together with me, but I saw him yesterday and I knew that a Monday get-together wasn't going to happen. And deep down even though he took my number, I kind of thought that he wasn't really going to use it. But he called me. About half an hour ago.
I had taken my dinner break before 5 so that I could call the apartment guy again and find out what's going on. They're almost done it turns out. This week everything will be finished, next week I can sign a lease and get keys! About 10 minutes later my phone rings and it turns out to be J. I had deleted him from my phonebook, but felt bad so I found an old bill and put his number back in with a note "do not call" next to it. In case I was ever tempted. He wanted to get togther, but I'm at work so I can't. I think it's a good thing that I'm not always available, lets him know I have a life.
He did let me know about next semester's advanced dance class which I was so hoping was going to be on Mondays and Wednesdays like this semester's beginning class only later. But it's not, it's going to be on Tuesdays which means I won't always be able to go. I think I can finagle it so that I can make every other one with my current work schedule. He was really nice and says that I'm still welcome to come to the beginning class if I want.
Monday, November 20, 2006
I don't even know where to begin
I don't really know why I thought that this time seeing my XX was going to be different. It never is.
I was really excited to be seeing him and didn't really get nervous until I was coming down the escalator in the airport where he was waiting. We just hugged hello, he took my bag and we went to find his car. He had put together a little picnic in the hotel room for me since I got in so late and we just ate and chatted. Apparently right now is this town's peak season and I had to share a room with the XX because there were no vacancies to be found anywhere. That was fine. I hadn't really made up my mind about behaving myself or not, but I didn't see why we couldn't manage to.
Everything was fine until the next morning when he started kissing me. The whole time I couldn't help but compare him to J. Which is totally unfair, but I couldn't help it.
We had a great time at the wedding. Danced alot and the food was good once I managed to get my point across that I didn't want any meat, even fish. There was a ton of champaigne flowing and we sat at a very fun table. I ended up dancing with this one guy's girlfriend almost as much as with the XX. But it was fun and apparently everyone else had a good time watching us!
Maybe it was the fact that it was a wedding, or that we got a little drunk, but back at the hotel room the XX breaks into a litany of "I don't want to leave you tomorrow." He goes so far as to say that he's been wondering for the past three years (the last time I saw him) if he hadn't made a huge mistake in letting me go, but he doesn't want to go ahead and ask me to marry him right now. [Insert picture of me with huge deer-in-headlight eyes.] He says that he can't imagine anyone else that he could even come close to marrying and that for 4 years he's been trying to find another me and it hasn't worked.
He wants to visit at Christmas, but he never really answered my question about what this all means. Is he looking to do a long distance relationship until one of us can move? I just started a brand new job and I'm supposed to sign an apartment lease next month. If this had come up a month ago I would have said, "fuck it, I'll move, I've got nothing better going for me."
Why is the one guy that I want to be interested in me not at all interested in me? And the guys that I resigned to my past are telling me that I'm too wonderful to get over?
I was really excited to be seeing him and didn't really get nervous until I was coming down the escalator in the airport where he was waiting. We just hugged hello, he took my bag and we went to find his car. He had put together a little picnic in the hotel room for me since I got in so late and we just ate and chatted. Apparently right now is this town's peak season and I had to share a room with the XX because there were no vacancies to be found anywhere. That was fine. I hadn't really made up my mind about behaving myself or not, but I didn't see why we couldn't manage to.
Everything was fine until the next morning when he started kissing me. The whole time I couldn't help but compare him to J. Which is totally unfair, but I couldn't help it.
We had a great time at the wedding. Danced alot and the food was good once I managed to get my point across that I didn't want any meat, even fish. There was a ton of champaigne flowing and we sat at a very fun table. I ended up dancing with this one guy's girlfriend almost as much as with the XX. But it was fun and apparently everyone else had a good time watching us!
Maybe it was the fact that it was a wedding, or that we got a little drunk, but back at the hotel room the XX breaks into a litany of "I don't want to leave you tomorrow." He goes so far as to say that he's been wondering for the past three years (the last time I saw him) if he hadn't made a huge mistake in letting me go, but he doesn't want to go ahead and ask me to marry him right now. [Insert picture of me with huge deer-in-headlight eyes.] He says that he can't imagine anyone else that he could even come close to marrying and that for 4 years he's been trying to find another me and it hasn't worked.
He wants to visit at Christmas, but he never really answered my question about what this all means. Is he looking to do a long distance relationship until one of us can move? I just started a brand new job and I'm supposed to sign an apartment lease next month. If this had come up a month ago I would have said, "fuck it, I'll move, I've got nothing better going for me."
Why is the one guy that I want to be interested in me not at all interested in me? And the guys that I resigned to my past are telling me that I'm too wonderful to get over?
Friday, November 17, 2006
First week almost over
Well, I'm still overwhelmed, but it's getting more exciting. I really haven't done anything other than be trained, but I've bounced ideas off of my boss and I've gotten to know some more people that I'll be working with. All in all I think once I get the hang of things I might really like it here.
I've been trying so hard not to think about J, but it's not working so well. I didn't talk to him on Wednesday when I went to work out even though I saw him there. He didn't seem to see me though. And even though I spoke to him last Wednesday and he took my phone number again almost 2 weeks ago, he's yet to call me. I am sort of hoping to see him Sunday, or at least maybe hear from him over the weekend if he's going to the dance on Sunday, but realisticly, I'm not holding my breath.
I'm still not sure why I even want to hear from after talking to that girl last Friday. She has called me since and we'll probably go dancing at somepoint so we don't feel akward going alone. But I found out that she only broke up with her boyfriend a few months ago. I can't image J would have gone out with her while she had a boyfriend, unless she ment the 3 of them were at the club and left out the boyfriend since he's no longer with her. Hard to say. I don't know her well enough to dig for information even subtley.
I dislike this "make him chase you" test I've got going on. I am fairly sure that I can make it to the second class this Monday. It'll either break what's left in my shriveled heart for him when I see Pink Sweat-Suit Girl come in and stay to dance with him. Or I'll get to talk to him and either feel better about waiting or decide to just give up all together. I'm pretty sure it's going to be shriveled and over by Monday night.
I really shouldn't be thinking about him at all in less than 7 hours I am going to be on flight out east to go with the XX to a wedding. I'm excited to see him since it's been so long and we've stayed on good terms. But at the same time, things tend to heat up when we are around each other and I'm in a delemia as to whether I should let them or not. It has been nearly a month since J and I were together. But if I'm hoping to see him on Sunday...it might not be the best plan to go sleeping with somebody else. On the other hand, I am pretty sure that things with J are over. All the signs are there, I'm just being a knucklehead about admitting that and keeping myself going with false hope. So why not be with the XX. Despite him not being a boyfriend anymore here is somebody I know genuinely cares a great deal for me. Unfortunately, when I think about being with XX, seriously fantasize about it, usually it's always J's name that pops into my head. That can't be a good sign.
The wedding should be fun anyway. If the reception has any dancing at all I know I'll have a good time. A little wine at dinner, a bit of champaigne, maybe a rum and coke, lots and lots of dancing and catching up with my good friend. I just hope that I don't have to sit by myself at a table full of strangers. The XX is in the wedding party, but I had a friend who had a "sweet-heart" table for her and the groom at the reception so the wedding party had a table of thier own with thier dates. I can keep my finger's crossed.
I've been trying so hard not to think about J, but it's not working so well. I didn't talk to him on Wednesday when I went to work out even though I saw him there. He didn't seem to see me though. And even though I spoke to him last Wednesday and he took my phone number again almost 2 weeks ago, he's yet to call me. I am sort of hoping to see him Sunday, or at least maybe hear from him over the weekend if he's going to the dance on Sunday, but realisticly, I'm not holding my breath.
I'm still not sure why I even want to hear from after talking to that girl last Friday. She has called me since and we'll probably go dancing at somepoint so we don't feel akward going alone. But I found out that she only broke up with her boyfriend a few months ago. I can't image J would have gone out with her while she had a boyfriend, unless she ment the 3 of them were at the club and left out the boyfriend since he's no longer with her. Hard to say. I don't know her well enough to dig for information even subtley.
I dislike this "make him chase you" test I've got going on. I am fairly sure that I can make it to the second class this Monday. It'll either break what's left in my shriveled heart for him when I see Pink Sweat-Suit Girl come in and stay to dance with him. Or I'll get to talk to him and either feel better about waiting or decide to just give up all together. I'm pretty sure it's going to be shriveled and over by Monday night.
I really shouldn't be thinking about him at all in less than 7 hours I am going to be on flight out east to go with the XX to a wedding. I'm excited to see him since it's been so long and we've stayed on good terms. But at the same time, things tend to heat up when we are around each other and I'm in a delemia as to whether I should let them or not. It has been nearly a month since J and I were together. But if I'm hoping to see him on Sunday...it might not be the best plan to go sleeping with somebody else. On the other hand, I am pretty sure that things with J are over. All the signs are there, I'm just being a knucklehead about admitting that and keeping myself going with false hope. So why not be with the XX. Despite him not being a boyfriend anymore here is somebody I know genuinely cares a great deal for me. Unfortunately, when I think about being with XX, seriously fantasize about it, usually it's always J's name that pops into my head. That can't be a good sign.
The wedding should be fun anyway. If the reception has any dancing at all I know I'll have a good time. A little wine at dinner, a bit of champaigne, maybe a rum and coke, lots and lots of dancing and catching up with my good friend. I just hope that I don't have to sit by myself at a table full of strangers. The XX is in the wedding party, but I had a friend who had a "sweet-heart" table for her and the groom at the reception so the wedding party had a table of thier own with thier dates. I can keep my finger's crossed.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
First days
Wow. Do I feel overwhelmed. My training is scheduled down to the hour for the next three weeks. But I have at least 3 packets of information, so many loose leafs, I've been shown at least a dozen things online that I have to remember, and met with as many people in just 2 days.
I managed to go for a run last night after work at the gym. I got there before J's second class let out, but only 10 minutes so I couldn't join it or anything. I was doing a great job of not being somewhere to check on when the class let out and when he left. Until I went to strech of course. I didn't mean to be somewhere he could see me. It was 1/2 an hour after his class let out and he was at the drinking fountain and then went back into the studio room. He saw me, smiled and waved. I did a double take like 'oh, are you here still?' and then I waved back. I was pretty pissed off. He must have been dancing with somebody to still be in the room. (So much for that pulled muscle I guess). I just finished all my stretching and abs and left. I didn't wait to see who else came out of that room or go say hi. I just couldn't do it. I don't want to do it!
He does not want me! When am I going to get that into my thick skull? When three months go by? When I move into my apartment and he still isn't giving me a booty call?
On the plus side I have a plane ticket and I am going away for the weekend. Maybe the XX will want to get it on. That would get my mind off J. I hope that hanging out with the XX will keep my mind off of J. I haven't seen him 3 years so I am sure we are going to have a ton of fun. And this is a person who, depsite being an ex, genuinely cares about me. I need to be in that type of male company for a change.
I just hope I can make it through this work week with out having a nervous breakdown.
I managed to go for a run last night after work at the gym. I got there before J's second class let out, but only 10 minutes so I couldn't join it or anything. I was doing a great job of not being somewhere to check on when the class let out and when he left. Until I went to strech of course. I didn't mean to be somewhere he could see me. It was 1/2 an hour after his class let out and he was at the drinking fountain and then went back into the studio room. He saw me, smiled and waved. I did a double take like 'oh, are you here still?' and then I waved back. I was pretty pissed off. He must have been dancing with somebody to still be in the room. (So much for that pulled muscle I guess). I just finished all my stretching and abs and left. I didn't wait to see who else came out of that room or go say hi. I just couldn't do it. I don't want to do it!
He does not want me! When am I going to get that into my thick skull? When three months go by? When I move into my apartment and he still isn't giving me a booty call?
On the plus side I have a plane ticket and I am going away for the weekend. Maybe the XX will want to get it on. That would get my mind off J. I hope that hanging out with the XX will keep my mind off of J. I haven't seen him 3 years so I am sure we are going to have a ton of fun. And this is a person who, depsite being an ex, genuinely cares about me. I need to be in that type of male company for a change.
I just hope I can make it through this work week with out having a nervous breakdown.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Old Friends and (possibly) Good Suprises
I went out for drinks with a friend the other night. We've been friends since high school (about 12 years now) though there was a gap when she and I were living abroad (first her, then me) and we weren't in touch.
She's got an anxiety problem and deals with depression too, so it was nice to have someone to comiserate with. She is able to put my job anxiety in relative perspective which is very nice. While were there I get an "Uknown" on my cell phone. For a split second I thought J, since I deleted him from my phone, but his number should still appear. So I was insanely suprised to hear my X-X. The boyfriend I had when I was living abroad. I have not seen him in 3 years and we only email sporadically when we have big news.
Turns out he's going to be on the East Coast for a wedding and wants to fly me out next weekend to go with him!
It's not like he's in the USA often (ever) so I might actually take him up on the offer. I was going to go two social dances to give me something to do (and maybe run into J). But in an effort to get over him I am seriously thinking of taking the XX up on his offer. We'll see how the work schedule ends up, that is what it will depend on.
She's got an anxiety problem and deals with depression too, so it was nice to have someone to comiserate with. She is able to put my job anxiety in relative perspective which is very nice. While were there I get an "Uknown" on my cell phone. For a split second I thought J, since I deleted him from my phone, but his number should still appear. So I was insanely suprised to hear my X-X. The boyfriend I had when I was living abroad. I have not seen him in 3 years and we only email sporadically when we have big news.
Turns out he's going to be on the East Coast for a wedding and wants to fly me out next weekend to go with him!
It's not like he's in the USA often (ever) so I might actually take him up on the offer. I was going to go two social dances to give me something to do (and maybe run into J). But in an effort to get over him I am seriously thinking of taking the XX up on his offer. We'll see how the work schedule ends up, that is what it will depend on.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
And the Rollercoaster Comes Down
I am the biggest stupid fucking moron in the world.
I invited a ton of people out last night to celebrate my last day at work and the beginning of my new job. Despite some telling me they were coming, only 4 people showed up. Some were nice enough to email and say good luck but I can't make it. But mostly I got a bunch of people who I thought were my friends giving me the old, who gives a fuck. Nice. I guess I know who really cares about me now.
I had mentioned to somebody in my dance class that I was going to be going out dancing on Friday and he said that he'd come join me so I had someone to dance with. Fine. No big deal. Except I get there and he wants to put his arm around me, buy me a drink and insinuates himself in between me and another guy I was talking to. This dance class guy totally thought it was a date. That wasn't sooo bad, I did manage to dance with other guys. Secretly I was hoping J would show up sicne I mentioned it to him too, but I knew I was hoping in vain.
What really brought the evening crashing down around my feet was this girl who asked him to dance. She came over afterward because she recognized me. She was in the summer advanced class that J taught. The kicker was when she says to me "J and I still dance together sometimes" and then later when I asked her where else she danced at she listed some off and included "Oh, and J and I went to S____a's once." WTF?? In my mind, I'm thinking, that's what I wanted. I wanted to go dancing with him I just never had the guts to ask. What freakin' annoys me though, is that the girl said that she and boyfriend she took the class with in the summer broke up. So when exactly did she go out with J? And they still dance sometimes?
I know that that could mean anything. She could have been making conversation because it's something we have in common and the last time she danced with him could have been a couple of months ago. I guess I still consider myself to still be sleeping with J even though it's been nearly a month.
On the one hand I want to ask for what I want. On the other, I dont' want to be rejected. But if he doesn't know that I want to dance with him or see him more often, what is going to make him bother?
I was so pissed off. I left and I deleted J's number from my phone. It's kind of petty and he'll never know I did it, but it felt good at the time. But now I want to email him. Studio time has opened up because a class got canceled and I so badly want to ask him if he wants to dance there sometimes. Especially since I will be missing his class with the new job. But then I am being pushy and demanding.
I don't know what to believe anymore. Do I believe him that he doesn't have time for anything and he really doesn't want to be around anyone? Or do I think that he's just a player with a ton of girls he keeps with just enough attention.
I want to give him some time to see if he calls me. But I guess I am terrified that he isn't going to. So why do I want somebody if I have to constantly remind them of my existance? Why am I doing my head in for this guy? Why can't I stop when I know it isn't good for me?
Today I thought I would say to him next time, "Hey, if we're going to be 'friends with benefits' I want the friends part too." I don't want to feel like a warm blow-up doll he brings out when he needs to.
I woke up horriblly depressed and anxious. I could feel my heart beating really hard like I was nervous. The only thing that popped into my head was "I don't want to do this." Why, why did I have to take this job and make everything change?
I invited a ton of people out last night to celebrate my last day at work and the beginning of my new job. Despite some telling me they were coming, only 4 people showed up. Some were nice enough to email and say good luck but I can't make it. But mostly I got a bunch of people who I thought were my friends giving me the old, who gives a fuck. Nice. I guess I know who really cares about me now.
I had mentioned to somebody in my dance class that I was going to be going out dancing on Friday and he said that he'd come join me so I had someone to dance with. Fine. No big deal. Except I get there and he wants to put his arm around me, buy me a drink and insinuates himself in between me and another guy I was talking to. This dance class guy totally thought it was a date. That wasn't sooo bad, I did manage to dance with other guys. Secretly I was hoping J would show up sicne I mentioned it to him too, but I knew I was hoping in vain.
What really brought the evening crashing down around my feet was this girl who asked him to dance. She came over afterward because she recognized me. She was in the summer advanced class that J taught. The kicker was when she says to me "J and I still dance together sometimes" and then later when I asked her where else she danced at she listed some off and included "Oh, and J and I went to S____a's once." WTF?? In my mind, I'm thinking, that's what I wanted. I wanted to go dancing with him I just never had the guts to ask. What freakin' annoys me though, is that the girl said that she and boyfriend she took the class with in the summer broke up. So when exactly did she go out with J? And they still dance sometimes?
I know that that could mean anything. She could have been making conversation because it's something we have in common and the last time she danced with him could have been a couple of months ago. I guess I still consider myself to still be sleeping with J even though it's been nearly a month.
On the one hand I want to ask for what I want. On the other, I dont' want to be rejected. But if he doesn't know that I want to dance with him or see him more often, what is going to make him bother?
I was so pissed off. I left and I deleted J's number from my phone. It's kind of petty and he'll never know I did it, but it felt good at the time. But now I want to email him. Studio time has opened up because a class got canceled and I so badly want to ask him if he wants to dance there sometimes. Especially since I will be missing his class with the new job. But then I am being pushy and demanding.
I don't know what to believe anymore. Do I believe him that he doesn't have time for anything and he really doesn't want to be around anyone? Or do I think that he's just a player with a ton of girls he keeps with just enough attention.
I want to give him some time to see if he calls me. But I guess I am terrified that he isn't going to. So why do I want somebody if I have to constantly remind them of my existance? Why am I doing my head in for this guy? Why can't I stop when I know it isn't good for me?
Today I thought I would say to him next time, "Hey, if we're going to be 'friends with benefits' I want the friends part too." I don't want to feel like a warm blow-up doll he brings out when he needs to.
I woke up horriblly depressed and anxious. I could feel my heart beating really hard like I was nervous. The only thing that popped into my head was "I don't want to do this." Why, why did I have to take this job and make everything change?
Friday, November 10, 2006
Last Day
Today is my last day at this job. I didn't get a party. I was supposed to get a card, but nobody knows where it is. I didn't get any gifts (except earlier in the week from my mentor). My jerk of a co-worker who left this summer got a send off from the Dean with gifts. I got ice cream.
Oh well. I'm out of here. I don't like these people, but I would have liked one of those insulted lunchbags with our logo on them. I need one of those. They're useful.
My mentor did take me out to lunch for a yummy portebella sandwich. On the way back he said that one day I'd just magically know what my life was all about. I laughed. Maybe someday, I said. And I thought, "magically" really? It'll just hit me? And what if I don't want it to. Why do I want to be figured out and niched and settled? Yeah the obsessive, scared, anxiety ridden me would be gone and I'd 'get it,' but where's the fun in that? What's the point of figuring it out? I want that epiphany to occur when I breathe out on my death bed. I just want to go, "Oh, so that was it" and expire. No time to think, 'shit I did it wrong' or 'good for me,' just a recognition and nothing. Otherwise what would I be striving for?
Oh well. I'm out of here. I don't like these people, but I would have liked one of those insulted lunchbags with our logo on them. I need one of those. They're useful.
My mentor did take me out to lunch for a yummy portebella sandwich. On the way back he said that one day I'd just magically know what my life was all about. I laughed. Maybe someday, I said. And I thought, "magically" really? It'll just hit me? And what if I don't want it to. Why do I want to be figured out and niched and settled? Yeah the obsessive, scared, anxiety ridden me would be gone and I'd 'get it,' but where's the fun in that? What's the point of figuring it out? I want that epiphany to occur when I breathe out on my death bed. I just want to go, "Oh, so that was it" and expire. No time to think, 'shit I did it wrong' or 'good for me,' just a recognition and nothing. Otherwise what would I be striving for?
Am I being too sensitive, or insensitive?
My life is a fucking roller coaster. Wendesday night you would have thought the world was ending by my emotions. And then last night it just lifted. I still feel like a fucking moron for what I did. But there is nothing I can do about it now.
I don't understand why I couldn't just leave well enough alone. He said on Monday that he has no life. He said on Wednesday that there are all of these people that know him and he doesn't want to hang with them. Why couldn't I just take what he said at face value? The boy is stressed and I think I might be making him feel like he's got to do something with me, or he's got make excuses. I don't think that he really wanted to kiss me on Wednesday. I just need to remind myself that there is nothing I can do about his feelings, he has them or he doesn't.
I've decided to leave off obsessing over it. I'm just done.
I'll give him time and space to give me a call if he wants to. But I'm not making any more effort. I've thought of just casually mentioning that I miss the summer time when I got to dance with him and we saw each other more. But I don't want to be pushy, needy, or demanding. Saying anything would of course require me seeing him to talk to him.
When I move into my new place, maybe things will get better. I'll invite him to the house warming and I'll let him know that he's welcome over even if it's not to have sex. But that's all I can do.
On Wednesday I sat in my car sobbing against my steering wheel while Blue October's song "Into the Ocean" played on the radio.
I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore
Without a life that's sadly stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'
You're floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
be
I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jets, I'm sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)
Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space
I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)
Just to prove I knew how (yeah)
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
So thought no end my need to fall
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
into the ocean...end it all
[Zayra]
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
At the time I was thinking about running away. Of letting yourself just drown because you don't know what else to do. But I heard it again last night (it came up as a most requested song on one particular radio station) and I had a different idea of the song then. I think it's just letting everything you feel washing over you. Just getting lost in it all. I think sometimes that's the only way to get through it. "Let the rain of what I feel come down." Sometimes the only way to move on is to hit the bottom. I've done that now. Now I'm ready to just leave it. There's really nothing more to do.
I don't understand why I couldn't just leave well enough alone. He said on Monday that he has no life. He said on Wednesday that there are all of these people that know him and he doesn't want to hang with them. Why couldn't I just take what he said at face value? The boy is stressed and I think I might be making him feel like he's got to do something with me, or he's got make excuses. I don't think that he really wanted to kiss me on Wednesday. I just need to remind myself that there is nothing I can do about his feelings, he has them or he doesn't.
I've decided to leave off obsessing over it. I'm just done.
I'll give him time and space to give me a call if he wants to. But I'm not making any more effort. I've thought of just casually mentioning that I miss the summer time when I got to dance with him and we saw each other more. But I don't want to be pushy, needy, or demanding. Saying anything would of course require me seeing him to talk to him.
When I move into my new place, maybe things will get better. I'll invite him to the house warming and I'll let him know that he's welcome over even if it's not to have sex. But that's all I can do.
On Wednesday I sat in my car sobbing against my steering wheel while Blue October's song "Into the Ocean" played on the radio.
I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore
Without a life that's sadly stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'
You're floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
be
I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jets, I'm sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)
Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space
I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)
Just to prove I knew how (yeah)
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
So thought no end my need to fall
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
into the ocean...end it all
[Zayra]
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
At the time I was thinking about running away. Of letting yourself just drown because you don't know what else to do. But I heard it again last night (it came up as a most requested song on one particular radio station) and I had a different idea of the song then. I think it's just letting everything you feel washing over you. Just getting lost in it all. I think sometimes that's the only way to get through it. "Let the rain of what I feel come down." Sometimes the only way to move on is to hit the bottom. I've done that now. Now I'm ready to just leave it. There's really nothing more to do.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Magic 8 Ball, should I....?
I couldn't sleep last night. Big surprise. I spent the better part of two hours crying my eyes out. I just know that I've ruined everything.
Faced with my own idiotacy I wish I could run away. I wish my job was out of state. I wish I hadn't settled on an apartment here. I wish I never had to face J again. I know that he may not have even seen me, but I'll always know.
It's weird. I can't imagine us being a couple. I don't know him well enough to know if we'd work out like that. Personally, I think that I am too needy for him. As much as I don't want to be the type of girl who wraps her life around a guy, I want somebody who thinks about me, is considerate and wants to spend time with me. I thought J was like that when we started in the summer. It has become horribly apparent to me that I have become a walking talking blow-up doll to J. He'll fuck me when he wants to, otherwise he's got no use for me. The horror if it is that I did it to myself.
The only remedy that I can think of is to (gasp! shudder!) talk to him about it if we ever get together again. We don't talk about real heavy stuff. Just work and dance and how horny are you. The question becomes how do I do it? What do I say? I went through a number of options last night (no wonder I couldn't sleep). So, here is what I've come up with:
The soft and emotional approach: I don't want to ruin what we've got going on, and even though I don't think you feel the same way I have to admit that:
a) I have a crush on you and have since I met you
b)I have developed "feelings" for you
c)I am really "into" you beyond just the intense physical attraction
OR
d) I like and respect you as a person beyond the intense physical attraction
(this would eliminate the "I don't think you feel the same way" part of the intro)
I'd like to add in there somewhere too, that I don't generally sleep around. I'm not a slut or a whore. I genuinely want to be with him and am not just trying to get my rocks off.
The slightly more blunt, a little less emotional route: I feel the need to be straight forward and honest with you and I hope you'll do the same
a)Do you really want to keep "this," what ever "this" is, going on, because I get the feeling that you're not as into me as you were this summer? or even more bluntly Are you really busy and distracted with work, or are you losing interest in me?
b)If I get an apartment am I going to see you any more than I do now?
(I'm thinking of pairing a and b with:Maybe I should get off the pill if I'm only going to be seeing you once a month. We can stick to just condoms if that's all we're going to be doing.)
c)How many other girls do you sleep with because you don't seem to be wanting to sleep me as often as you used to? (not necessarily qualified with a because...)
OR
d)Do you even like me, because I get the feeling that you really only want me around for convenient sex when you're horny?
I'm wondering if some kind of combination of more than one approach would be the best. Really my brain is spinning with all of these things that I want to get out, but I think that conversation is way to heavy to be having at this stage. I wonder if I should just establish that he likes me as a person beyond sex or that I'll see him more often and then get to some of the other stuff at a later date.
I don't want to freak him out or make him think I want to be his girlfriend that's not what I'm after. I want to still be able to get with him on occasion, I just want it to be more like it was in the summer when I could tell that he wanted to be with me too. I don't want to feel like I'm just a convenience and not a real person that he's attracted to and wants to be intimate with .
I don't know. Maybe it would just be easier if he never spoke to me again. I never went to another of his classes and we came to a silent, but mutual, decision to just ignore each other. I may not get any answers, but it would be a whole lot easier.
Faced with my own idiotacy I wish I could run away. I wish my job was out of state. I wish I hadn't settled on an apartment here. I wish I never had to face J again. I know that he may not have even seen me, but I'll always know.
It's weird. I can't imagine us being a couple. I don't know him well enough to know if we'd work out like that. Personally, I think that I am too needy for him. As much as I don't want to be the type of girl who wraps her life around a guy, I want somebody who thinks about me, is considerate and wants to spend time with me. I thought J was like that when we started in the summer. It has become horribly apparent to me that I have become a walking talking blow-up doll to J. He'll fuck me when he wants to, otherwise he's got no use for me. The horror if it is that I did it to myself.
The only remedy that I can think of is to (gasp! shudder!) talk to him about it if we ever get together again. We don't talk about real heavy stuff. Just work and dance and how horny are you. The question becomes how do I do it? What do I say? I went through a number of options last night (no wonder I couldn't sleep). So, here is what I've come up with:
The soft and emotional approach: I don't want to ruin what we've got going on, and even though I don't think you feel the same way I have to admit that:
a) I have a crush on you and have since I met you
b)I have developed "feelings" for you
c)I am really "into" you beyond just the intense physical attraction
OR
d) I like and respect you as a person beyond the intense physical attraction
(this would eliminate the "I don't think you feel the same way" part of the intro)
I'd like to add in there somewhere too, that I don't generally sleep around. I'm not a slut or a whore. I genuinely want to be with him and am not just trying to get my rocks off.
The slightly more blunt, a little less emotional route: I feel the need to be straight forward and honest with you and I hope you'll do the same
a)Do you really want to keep "this," what ever "this" is, going on, because I get the feeling that you're not as into me as you were this summer? or even more bluntly Are you really busy and distracted with work, or are you losing interest in me?
b)If I get an apartment am I going to see you any more than I do now?
(I'm thinking of pairing a and b with:Maybe I should get off the pill if I'm only going to be seeing you once a month. We can stick to just condoms if that's all we're going to be doing.)
c)How many other girls do you sleep with because you don't seem to be wanting to sleep me as often as you used to? (not necessarily qualified with a because...)
OR
d)Do you even like me, because I get the feeling that you really only want me around for convenient sex when you're horny?
I'm wondering if some kind of combination of more than one approach would be the best. Really my brain is spinning with all of these things that I want to get out, but I think that conversation is way to heavy to be having at this stage. I wonder if I should just establish that he likes me as a person beyond sex or that I'll see him more often and then get to some of the other stuff at a later date.
I don't want to freak him out or make him think I want to be his girlfriend that's not what I'm after. I want to still be able to get with him on occasion, I just want it to be more like it was in the summer when I could tell that he wanted to be with me too. I don't want to feel like I'm just a convenience and not a real person that he's attracted to and wants to be intimate with .
I don't know. Maybe it would just be easier if he never spoke to me again. I never went to another of his classes and we came to a silent, but mutual, decision to just ignore each other. I may not get any answers, but it would be a whole lot easier.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Oh, Lord what have I done? I don't recognize the person I've Become
I disgust myself. I have sunk to the lowest of the low. I am mortified beyond imagining. I want nothing more than for the pavement to open up and swallow me whole so that I don't have to walk around knowing to what depths I have decended. I make myself sick. Literally. I want to throw up so badly because I can't stand what I have become.
What was I thinking? Why did I do it? Why am I such a complete moron when it comes to J? Why is that all of my intelligence, rationality and common sense fly from my brain like scared birds?
It started today. I was trying to come to grips with Pink Sweat Suit Girl, not jumping to conclusions and such. I remembered back in the summer when there was this girl in our class who I figured was flirting with J and I thought he might like her back. I have this impression that he likes ethnic girls. I can't say why. Not that I'm "white" exactly, but I don't consider myself exotic or ethnic looking either. Anyway, just like PSS girl I didn't like Summer Flirt either. But after a couple of weeks she stopped coming all together and J said that he was glad. I think it was because we had too many girls to start which makes the class hard for him to teach, and the extra girls have to sit out more. Anyway, I didn't care why, I was just glad that he didn't care if she didn't come back.
Class was good. J and I danced a bit, my favorite songs from one the CDs I burned for him played, and I didn't have to lead. I even had the guts to invite the assistant (my ballet teacher) about a gather I planned to celebrate my new job. I ran into J on my way out of weights class and asked him to stick around I had more CDs for him. He then tells me he thinks he pulled a groin muscle on Monday and that though it was fine through class the second class made it hurt again. This was a new excuse for me. Usually it's always, I'm too tired. That's fine I had low expectations for today. He's been putting me off for so long I am used to it. But I walked out with him and he said he'd give me a ride to my car. Walking to the car we talked, and it was a bit weird when he asked me how I was getting on, implying, I realized later, how I was getting out with out having sex with him. He said he's got to manage alright he's too tired to do otherwise. I was thinking it, but I wish I had said something like, 'good, then I don't have to be jealous.' But I chickened out. I don't know what makes me not show as much affection as I'd like. Oddly, I've been this way with every non-related male in my life.
So he's driving me to my car and a girl crossing the street suddenly starts waving at him and he says he knows her, pulls over and says hi. She says she was going to stop by to see him, but didn't get there in time (no elaboration on wher 'there' was). Then gets out his phone and asks for her number. I take one look at her, since she's at my window and she's Summer Flirt! What the Fuck?!?!?! She says, call me know so I have your number, and J says, "I'll call you back in a few minutes. Will you still be on campus?" Yeah, she'll be at the library. So he pulls away and explains how he knows her, though I had figured it out already, and oddly that her cousin is one of his student-teacher students. But he can't remember her name for a bit. He talks about how weird it is when people know him. He knows lots of people, but he doesn't want to be around them. Huh? Like some teacher that he had who goes dancing at a place he knows.
He drops me at my car, says thanks for the CDs and goes to hug me. I lean in for the kiss. Damn if I'm not going to get one. So we do that for a bit. But obviously, he told me had a pulled groin so I finish it quickly telling him he'd better take care of himself so that heals. And go to my car.
That's when I get it into my head to see if he goes to park his car and meet up with Summer Flirt girl.
Yep. I have become the kind of person I hate. I wish I did't have to admit it. I wish I had never thought of it. I wish I had left well enough alone. I knew he was going to call her. He said as much right in front of me. But I had to be a stupid bitch and prove it to myself. So I get in my car he drives off and I followed him. Not obviously (I've watched Alias before) but I did. I thought he was this particular car in front of me that passed where J normally parks, so I go up a little farther and turn around to go toward my route home. Only to notice parallel parked on the opposite side of the road. J. On his cell phone. And if I noticed him....it isn't a strech to think that he noticed me.
At this point I know that I have hit rock bottom. I have let a little infatuation spiral to the point where I can't control myself any more. If I never have to look him in the eye and think that I had a stalker moment, that I was that invasive, I'll be okay with it. I hate myself more than I ever have in my entire life for stupid actions. So much for 'I only regret what I don't do.'
I am going cold-turkey as of this moment. If he saw me and thought it was strange and never calls me again, fine so be it. If he didn't that's fine too. I still know. But any and all interactions will have to be initiated by him. I can't be killing myself emotionally over somebody who obviously only thinks of me in terms of sex (per the conversation earlier). I deserve better than that. And J doesn't deserve this much from me. If we do end up 'getting together' soon as he suggested when he let me off at my car, I might have to come clean on my feelings. If we can come to some kind of arrangment so that I don't feel jealous anymore I can stop beating myself up for stupids shit. I can stop loosing my mind and doing things that are not like me.
I can't believe that I could have lost myself so completely in this. I think it's fairly obvious that I have lost the plot all together. I think it is also fairly obvious that he is not into me like he used to be. And with that realization...I think it's a good thing I won't be in his class anymore.
What was I thinking? Why did I do it? Why am I such a complete moron when it comes to J? Why is that all of my intelligence, rationality and common sense fly from my brain like scared birds?
It started today. I was trying to come to grips with Pink Sweat Suit Girl, not jumping to conclusions and such. I remembered back in the summer when there was this girl in our class who I figured was flirting with J and I thought he might like her back. I have this impression that he likes ethnic girls. I can't say why. Not that I'm "white" exactly, but I don't consider myself exotic or ethnic looking either. Anyway, just like PSS girl I didn't like Summer Flirt either. But after a couple of weeks she stopped coming all together and J said that he was glad. I think it was because we had too many girls to start which makes the class hard for him to teach, and the extra girls have to sit out more. Anyway, I didn't care why, I was just glad that he didn't care if she didn't come back.
Class was good. J and I danced a bit, my favorite songs from one the CDs I burned for him played, and I didn't have to lead. I even had the guts to invite the assistant (my ballet teacher) about a gather I planned to celebrate my new job. I ran into J on my way out of weights class and asked him to stick around I had more CDs for him. He then tells me he thinks he pulled a groin muscle on Monday and that though it was fine through class the second class made it hurt again. This was a new excuse for me. Usually it's always, I'm too tired. That's fine I had low expectations for today. He's been putting me off for so long I am used to it. But I walked out with him and he said he'd give me a ride to my car. Walking to the car we talked, and it was a bit weird when he asked me how I was getting on, implying, I realized later, how I was getting out with out having sex with him. He said he's got to manage alright he's too tired to do otherwise. I was thinking it, but I wish I had said something like, 'good, then I don't have to be jealous.' But I chickened out. I don't know what makes me not show as much affection as I'd like. Oddly, I've been this way with every non-related male in my life.
So he's driving me to my car and a girl crossing the street suddenly starts waving at him and he says he knows her, pulls over and says hi. She says she was going to stop by to see him, but didn't get there in time (no elaboration on wher 'there' was). Then gets out his phone and asks for her number. I take one look at her, since she's at my window and she's Summer Flirt! What the Fuck?!?!?! She says, call me know so I have your number, and J says, "I'll call you back in a few minutes. Will you still be on campus?" Yeah, she'll be at the library. So he pulls away and explains how he knows her, though I had figured it out already, and oddly that her cousin is one of his student-teacher students. But he can't remember her name for a bit. He talks about how weird it is when people know him. He knows lots of people, but he doesn't want to be around them. Huh? Like some teacher that he had who goes dancing at a place he knows.
He drops me at my car, says thanks for the CDs and goes to hug me. I lean in for the kiss. Damn if I'm not going to get one. So we do that for a bit. But obviously, he told me had a pulled groin so I finish it quickly telling him he'd better take care of himself so that heals. And go to my car.
That's when I get it into my head to see if he goes to park his car and meet up with Summer Flirt girl.
Yep. I have become the kind of person I hate. I wish I did't have to admit it. I wish I had never thought of it. I wish I had left well enough alone. I knew he was going to call her. He said as much right in front of me. But I had to be a stupid bitch and prove it to myself. So I get in my car he drives off and I followed him. Not obviously (I've watched Alias before) but I did. I thought he was this particular car in front of me that passed where J normally parks, so I go up a little farther and turn around to go toward my route home. Only to notice parallel parked on the opposite side of the road. J. On his cell phone. And if I noticed him....it isn't a strech to think that he noticed me.
At this point I know that I have hit rock bottom. I have let a little infatuation spiral to the point where I can't control myself any more. If I never have to look him in the eye and think that I had a stalker moment, that I was that invasive, I'll be okay with it. I hate myself more than I ever have in my entire life for stupid actions. So much for 'I only regret what I don't do.'
I am going cold-turkey as of this moment. If he saw me and thought it was strange and never calls me again, fine so be it. If he didn't that's fine too. I still know. But any and all interactions will have to be initiated by him. I can't be killing myself emotionally over somebody who obviously only thinks of me in terms of sex (per the conversation earlier). I deserve better than that. And J doesn't deserve this much from me. If we do end up 'getting together' soon as he suggested when he let me off at my car, I might have to come clean on my feelings. If we can come to some kind of arrangment so that I don't feel jealous anymore I can stop beating myself up for stupids shit. I can stop loosing my mind and doing things that are not like me.
I can't believe that I could have lost myself so completely in this. I think it's fairly obvious that I have lost the plot all together. I think it is also fairly obvious that he is not into me like he used to be. And with that realization...I think it's a good thing I won't be in his class anymore.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
I must have done something good.
Yesterday was great. Who would have thought that my funk would have lifted on a Monday. Just the day before I was crying again on my the phone with my brother because of this job.
I went and put my first rent check in with my application for this apartment that I want. It should only be a day or two before I know when I can sign a lease and start moving in. After that I went to dance class. I was nervous. I had decided to tell J about the apartment and the new job. I think that I really believed that me having the new job and not being on campus working and around all of the time would make a difference. I got to follow and we switched partners at every new song. When I finally get to J the first thing he says is, "I'm exhausted, I was up at 5am this morning." Which is code for, "Not tonight honey, I have a headache." I could have been brought down by this - boo hoo he doesn't want me - but I didn't let it. I just told him that I'd had a really good day and part of that was getting this new apartment. He asked where and I told him (this summer he told me about this building because he had lived there). He kind of laughed and said, that's funny. Nothing else. Then we just focused on me trying to get a particular step down. I was a little unsure for most of class. Funny good? or Funny bad?
But then when I was getting my equipment set up for the next class he smiled at me. It was the best smile. Not like a "hey babe, how you doin'" smile, but a genuine smile you give to somebody when you're glad to see them. It was really nice to see. His eyes look amazing when he smiles.
Class just about knocked me out. I thought I was going to pass out because it was so hot in the room. I used that as an excuse to get more water and sit down to wait for J after it was done. I thought I might lose my good day vibes when I saw Pink Sweat Suit girl (not in exercise clothes) come down the hall and go into the room. But I got a swell of courage when I saw her walk right back out again! I don't really care whether she said I'm not coming round to dance today or he told her that he was too tired to dance, I was just glad that I wasn't waiting in vain. When his students left I went into the dance studio to "ask him a question." I wanted to know about next semester's schedule which he doesn't know yet. We got to talking about how busy he is. He's got so much work to do for student teaching on top of the other jobs he does. So I am reassured that his 'inattention' really is due to stress and being overly busy. He says that with all of the work he's got no life. He basically schedules class around his other work and doesn't give it up because he likes to dance. I got to mention that I was asking because I got a new job. He was genuinely pleased for me and we talked some more. He's gotten a new phone and took my phone number again. We talked about the place I'm moving into. He said it was good that I was not on a floor with a laundry because of the noise. It was a nice 20 minute or so chat and it was soooo nice.
I think that it reassured my fears that he would forget all about me in the month that I won't be able (maybe) to be in class. Though, I am realizing that we are getting into more complicated moves and now is the worste time to have to quit. Oh well. I am feeling better today than I have since I said yes to this new job. Stupid how much my anxiety was wrapped up in J and his reaction to me getting a place and a new job. Oh well, at least I know I'm crazy and with any luck I can keep this encounter in mind when I have doubts in the future.
I might even have to re-think my stance on Pink Sweat Suit Girl. The fact that she left gave me the extra boost to talk with him. I don't want to guess at what their "relationship" might be, but maybe I don't need to hate her so much. I was realizing how many guy friend I have when I was sending a mass e-vite to my new job celebrations. I can see how that might be taken the wrong way by some guy who's interested in me. So I need to calm down and stop jumping to conclusions. Easier said than done, but I'm going to try anyway.
I went and put my first rent check in with my application for this apartment that I want. It should only be a day or two before I know when I can sign a lease and start moving in. After that I went to dance class. I was nervous. I had decided to tell J about the apartment and the new job. I think that I really believed that me having the new job and not being on campus working and around all of the time would make a difference. I got to follow and we switched partners at every new song. When I finally get to J the first thing he says is, "I'm exhausted, I was up at 5am this morning." Which is code for, "Not tonight honey, I have a headache." I could have been brought down by this - boo hoo he doesn't want me - but I didn't let it. I just told him that I'd had a really good day and part of that was getting this new apartment. He asked where and I told him (this summer he told me about this building because he had lived there). He kind of laughed and said, that's funny. Nothing else. Then we just focused on me trying to get a particular step down. I was a little unsure for most of class. Funny good? or Funny bad?
But then when I was getting my equipment set up for the next class he smiled at me. It was the best smile. Not like a "hey babe, how you doin'" smile, but a genuine smile you give to somebody when you're glad to see them. It was really nice to see. His eyes look amazing when he smiles.
Class just about knocked me out. I thought I was going to pass out because it was so hot in the room. I used that as an excuse to get more water and sit down to wait for J after it was done. I thought I might lose my good day vibes when I saw Pink Sweat Suit girl (not in exercise clothes) come down the hall and go into the room. But I got a swell of courage when I saw her walk right back out again! I don't really care whether she said I'm not coming round to dance today or he told her that he was too tired to dance, I was just glad that I wasn't waiting in vain. When his students left I went into the dance studio to "ask him a question." I wanted to know about next semester's schedule which he doesn't know yet. We got to talking about how busy he is. He's got so much work to do for student teaching on top of the other jobs he does. So I am reassured that his 'inattention' really is due to stress and being overly busy. He says that with all of the work he's got no life. He basically schedules class around his other work and doesn't give it up because he likes to dance. I got to mention that I was asking because I got a new job. He was genuinely pleased for me and we talked some more. He's gotten a new phone and took my phone number again. We talked about the place I'm moving into. He said it was good that I was not on a floor with a laundry because of the noise. It was a nice 20 minute or so chat and it was soooo nice.
I think that it reassured my fears that he would forget all about me in the month that I won't be able (maybe) to be in class. Though, I am realizing that we are getting into more complicated moves and now is the worste time to have to quit. Oh well. I am feeling better today than I have since I said yes to this new job. Stupid how much my anxiety was wrapped up in J and his reaction to me getting a place and a new job. Oh well, at least I know I'm crazy and with any luck I can keep this encounter in mind when I have doubts in the future.
I might even have to re-think my stance on Pink Sweat Suit Girl. The fact that she left gave me the extra boost to talk with him. I don't want to guess at what their "relationship" might be, but maybe I don't need to hate her so much. I was realizing how many guy friend I have when I was sending a mass e-vite to my new job celebrations. I can see how that might be taken the wrong way by some guy who's interested in me. So I need to calm down and stop jumping to conclusions. Easier said than done, but I'm going to try anyway.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Adulthood here I come.
I decided on an apartment today.
I walked in looked around and said, I'll take it. Before I was waffling on it. The manager kept calling it the "tiny" one. "You don't want to see the big one. You want the tiny one." Now I've seen tiny. This is not tiny. It's not perfect either, but neither were the ones in the other building. This one is an end unit so I have more windows and only one neighbor. The previous occupant moved out of the country and is leaving some of the furniture.
The down sides are - the kitchen is attached to the living room with no real divide and has a small patch of linolium in front of it. It's all carpeted except that bit of linolium and the bathroom. I consider the carpet to be a downside because I can't practice my dance on it. But I think I can work around that by possibly buying and finishing some plywood. I just need to practice my ballet barre or footwork really.
The plus...wireless. A pool for the summer. An end unit so more windows and only one neighbor, but that one is empty right now too (it's bigger and more expensive). It's the same price as the hardwood floors I saw on Friday. It is really light colored so it looks open and airy. But they'll let me paint if I want. The bathroom is the perfect size. I can use one of the extra closets for the cat's litter box. It has a decent lay out too. I am very excited.
The other exciting thing I have going on, I am going to start a mini-business editing student papers and theses. A friend of mine does web design and he's willing to give me a discount and make me a website. I'm going to start with my campus see how I do and then expand. If I even do two or three papers a month I could pay for the wireless and webhosting. Not to mention, I really enjoy that kind of work. There is something about red ink marks all over a manuscript that makes me very happy.
No word yet on how things are going to turn out with J. The weather is beautiful outside and is supposed to stay warm this week. With any luck we'll get together this week before the cold weather sets in. Give it a couple weeks because of my new job and the holidays - and then...I'll have an apartment! Of course, I haven't gotten to talk to him in a week...so I have no idea what is going to happen when I tell him my news. Hopefully I stay busy with these plans though so that even if he doesn't get his head out of his ass and start showing more attention to me I'll have stuff to take my mind off it.
I just hope that this good mood is for real and not just a blip on the radar. I am afraid that my high will come crashing down later when I get to class and J's either not as nice as I want him to be or if I see him stay with Pink Sweat Suit Girl again.
I walked in looked around and said, I'll take it. Before I was waffling on it. The manager kept calling it the "tiny" one. "You don't want to see the big one. You want the tiny one." Now I've seen tiny. This is not tiny. It's not perfect either, but neither were the ones in the other building. This one is an end unit so I have more windows and only one neighbor. The previous occupant moved out of the country and is leaving some of the furniture.
The down sides are - the kitchen is attached to the living room with no real divide and has a small patch of linolium in front of it. It's all carpeted except that bit of linolium and the bathroom. I consider the carpet to be a downside because I can't practice my dance on it. But I think I can work around that by possibly buying and finishing some plywood. I just need to practice my ballet barre or footwork really.
The plus...wireless. A pool for the summer. An end unit so more windows and only one neighbor, but that one is empty right now too (it's bigger and more expensive). It's the same price as the hardwood floors I saw on Friday. It is really light colored so it looks open and airy. But they'll let me paint if I want. The bathroom is the perfect size. I can use one of the extra closets for the cat's litter box. It has a decent lay out too. I am very excited.
The other exciting thing I have going on, I am going to start a mini-business editing student papers and theses. A friend of mine does web design and he's willing to give me a discount and make me a website. I'm going to start with my campus see how I do and then expand. If I even do two or three papers a month I could pay for the wireless and webhosting. Not to mention, I really enjoy that kind of work. There is something about red ink marks all over a manuscript that makes me very happy.
No word yet on how things are going to turn out with J. The weather is beautiful outside and is supposed to stay warm this week. With any luck we'll get together this week before the cold weather sets in. Give it a couple weeks because of my new job and the holidays - and then...I'll have an apartment! Of course, I haven't gotten to talk to him in a week...so I have no idea what is going to happen when I tell him my news. Hopefully I stay busy with these plans though so that even if he doesn't get his head out of his ass and start showing more attention to me I'll have stuff to take my mind off it.
I just hope that this good mood is for real and not just a blip on the radar. I am afraid that my high will come crashing down later when I get to class and J's either not as nice as I want him to be or if I see him stay with Pink Sweat Suit Girl again.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Limbo
Last night I was feeling confused. I went to fill up the car and bought a diet coke and jujufruit, then went home, dyed my hair and watched Battlestar Galactica while drinking my diet coke and candy. I was feeling pretty good. At somepoint while dying my hair (back to it's natural shade of brown to get rid of very brassy hightlights) I remembered my feelings about regret.
I regret the things I haven't done. I regret not getting the apartment on campus that I saw in August despite the price. For some reason I thought that having my parents out of the house would be good enough. Now I see I was wrong and I am mad at myself. I think that living here will be a good thing, especially if I make the effort to get out of the house to go dancing and take other dance classes if I can't take them here. If J comes around more often then great, and if he doesn't he doesn't. There isn't anything I can do about that. I can tell him my feelings and hope it spurs something new and better. Or I can tell him my feelings and he'll reject me. From there either we stay friends and everything is cool, or we have nothing more to do with eachother, or things go on as normal if slightly awkwardly.
I admit, I am afraid to change things. I like big change - moving to Europe was a big change; giving up my summer to camping in the wilderness - that was big change. This new job isn't big enough change. It doesn't take me away to new and exciting things. It just screws up the few good things I do have going on right now. I'd still be crying if I had gotten the job that called me right after this one did (that one just wanted a phone interview), but I wouldn't be trying to find loop-holes and trying to hang on to things here. I'd make a clean break and start over. I wonder if that wouldn't have been a better idea. I just never thought I'd get a job so close to home. I thought that I'd have to move out of state for sure. Our economy is one of the worst in the nation right now, everyone is having to take part-time work or move. I suppose I should be counting my lucky stars that I even have a job.
I woke up feeling bad again. I woke up early because daylight savings time now has sunlight streaming through my window so early. But I forced myself up and finished of my candy and diet coke with more Battlestar Galactica and Heroes (I've been taping my shows for 2 weeks because I've been so busy). Which made me feel a little better.
I decided to pull out my Tarot again. I didn't ask it about the apartment, just J and the job.
To the question of is this new job a mistake I got:
I regret the things I haven't done. I regret not getting the apartment on campus that I saw in August despite the price. For some reason I thought that having my parents out of the house would be good enough. Now I see I was wrong and I am mad at myself. I think that living here will be a good thing, especially if I make the effort to get out of the house to go dancing and take other dance classes if I can't take them here. If J comes around more often then great, and if he doesn't he doesn't. There isn't anything I can do about that. I can tell him my feelings and hope it spurs something new and better. Or I can tell him my feelings and he'll reject me. From there either we stay friends and everything is cool, or we have nothing more to do with eachother, or things go on as normal if slightly awkwardly.
I admit, I am afraid to change things. I like big change - moving to Europe was a big change; giving up my summer to camping in the wilderness - that was big change. This new job isn't big enough change. It doesn't take me away to new and exciting things. It just screws up the few good things I do have going on right now. I'd still be crying if I had gotten the job that called me right after this one did (that one just wanted a phone interview), but I wouldn't be trying to find loop-holes and trying to hang on to things here. I'd make a clean break and start over. I wonder if that wouldn't have been a better idea. I just never thought I'd get a job so close to home. I thought that I'd have to move out of state for sure. Our economy is one of the worst in the nation right now, everyone is having to take part-time work or move. I suppose I should be counting my lucky stars that I even have a job.
I woke up feeling bad again. I woke up early because daylight savings time now has sunlight streaming through my window so early. But I forced myself up and finished of my candy and diet coke with more Battlestar Galactica and Heroes (I've been taping my shows for 2 weeks because I've been so busy). Which made me feel a little better.
I decided to pull out my Tarot again. I didn't ask it about the apartment, just J and the job.
To the question of is this new job a mistake I got:
The Six of Pentacles Reversed is supposed to mean wealth and greed. But if I had pulled it right side up it would have meant success in business. I am not sure what this means. Yes I've been greedy and this is a mistake? Or is the job going to make me greed? Perhaps it is only a mistake if I went for the job out of greed? Which I didn't do, so No it isn't a mistake? I would have liked this better if I had pulled it normal and not reversed.
And to the question of J, I got:
The Hermit Reversed-means immaturity. Which I am not sure means that I am immature in my dealings with or attitude toward J. Or if J is the one that is immature. I lean toward the latter because I shuffled and pulled the card for myself. If it had been normal the Hermit would have meant withdrawal from the world, meditation. I'm glad that I didn't get that. I think that would have told me that I need time away from him to think. I don't want time away from him. But being told that I'm acting immaturely. That I can handle. I can work on that.
I still feel fairly limbo-ed here not having started my job, waiting to see what it will be like, if I can still make it to my classes, wondering if it will be easier or harder after the new year. I put so many resumes out thinking that a new job would get me out of limbo. But I've made it worse.
I was thinking on my way to see an apartment that I am being immature. I am expecting J to view me almost like a girlfriend. I want to know if he's seeing other girls. I am jealous of them. But the whole time I've known him and even since we've been sleeping together I have been going out with other guys. I've made out with other guys. I've fooled around with one. Who the fuck am I to be so hypocritical? He's never once asked me if I go out with anyone else, but I've been tempted on a number of occasions to ask him. I'm not his girlfriend. We don't even date. I have no claims on him. But he has no claims on me either. I can't have it both ways. I shouldn't be getting jealous because J is dancing with some other girl when I am going out with G tonight. When early in the summer I had to say no to J because I had already made plans with L. That time I was fine with it. I had other things to do and J had fall in where I could fit him. Now, I am trying to fit other things around him. I really, really have to stop doing that. He's just a boy.
The apartment was nice and homey, but way to expensive for the amount of driving I would have to do. I liked one of the ones I saw yesterday, but I am holding out for one of the ones I am seeing tomorrow. The one yesterday had hard floors through out, which I like...I can dance on that, but it was on the first floor. These ones tomorrow are carpet throughout, but has cheap wireless. That's why I want it, and it has a parking lot.
I've just decided to not be mad at myself for not taking this apartment in the summer. Yes, I regret it, but I'm going to forgive myself. I'll consider it saving. I saved some money and now I can afford the apartment with the wireless connection and parking. That's a good way of looking at it.
I think the diet coke and candy is the secret to feeling better about life.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Moments of Clarity
It is weird. Despite being in this horrible funk, this odd depression wich I haven't had this bad in years, there are brief moments where I realize how crazy I am being over this stuff.
It hit me last night during pilates. I got my coveted spot in front of the mirror off to the side and behind the instructor. We were doing leg lifts facing the mirror (usually we're on our front or backs or hands and knees)and I thought, "what the fuck? I am good looking and attractive. Why am I doing my head in thinking I'm not desirable enough?" Really, if someone isn't attracted to me, isn't that their problem, not mine. I can't change the way I am physically put together. (Well, I'm certainly not paying for or undergoing major surgery to it anyway). But the hard part is that I think he is attracted to me.
On the way home I got horribly optomistic. I was imagining him helping me move my bed into my new place. Fantasizing about bribing him with sexual favors, offering to buy him dinner in exchange for the help and having a pseudo-date.
I was doing fine until I got home and my mom mentioned something about the new job and I burst out crying. And damn her husband for not realizing that as I'm sitting on the bed bawling and talking to my mom, that he should probably give us some privacy. But no, he stuck around and just sat their like a lump setting his alarm clock. I'm going to look at 2 apartments today, 1 tomorrow and one Monday.
I woke up and thought. Maybe today. I even got a blanket and put it in my car since the weather is getting chilly. But I've gotten no email from J. I thought since he'd asked to get together last Friday, but I missed his email, that maybe this Friday would work for him too. I wanted to email him pretty badly. But I didn't. I stuck to my guns. I'll talk to him at class on Monday if it kills me. I am wondering if he thinks I'm blowing him off? Do guys even think like that? I missed his email. I wasn't at work. I emailed him back and told him as much. But it's been a week, I've seen him twice since then, and he's not said a single thing about it. That's why I wonder if he's moved to someone else. But then I think about how it turned south when he started student teaching. That is a full time job on top of the jobs he actually gets paid for. Stress can affect these things right? That's the excuse the X gave me when he broke up with me nearly a year ago.
I wish I knew what to do. I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me what to do.
It sucks that I am so upset all of the time. It takes so little to start me crying. I worry that I'm not going to do well in my new job. I am afraid that the things I like to do will go by the wayside because of the schedule. I worry that if I don't leave my mother's house I'll be miserable for being there even when she's not. I'll have to do a ton of commuting to work, to the gym and home again. But am I wasting money if I decide to move out? Does time equal money? Am I moving out really to be close to things or to be close to J, thinking that he'll be available more often if we have a place to be alone? What if I move and he breaks it off with me? Will I just get more depressed? Supposedly moving and losing a job are among the most stressful things one can go through. I wonder if changing jobs and moving qualify too?
I looked up how to become a ballroom dance instructor today. One of the professionals on Dancing with the Stars said he was an electrition until he answered an add for instructors. He had no experience dancing but they taught him how to dance and how to teach at the same time. He's been doing for 5 years now. I found a "college" in San Fran that does it. It's expensive though. I am going to keep looking around here. That is how desperate I have become to find what the hell I want to do with my life. Sometimes I wonder why I have it. At this point in time, I'd just really like to go to sleep so I can stop feeling all of this anxiety over every small aspect of my life.
It hit me last night during pilates. I got my coveted spot in front of the mirror off to the side and behind the instructor. We were doing leg lifts facing the mirror (usually we're on our front or backs or hands and knees)and I thought, "what the fuck? I am good looking and attractive. Why am I doing my head in thinking I'm not desirable enough?" Really, if someone isn't attracted to me, isn't that their problem, not mine. I can't change the way I am physically put together. (Well, I'm certainly not paying for or undergoing major surgery to it anyway). But the hard part is that I think he is attracted to me.
On the way home I got horribly optomistic. I was imagining him helping me move my bed into my new place. Fantasizing about bribing him with sexual favors, offering to buy him dinner in exchange for the help and having a pseudo-date.
I was doing fine until I got home and my mom mentioned something about the new job and I burst out crying. And damn her husband for not realizing that as I'm sitting on the bed bawling and talking to my mom, that he should probably give us some privacy. But no, he stuck around and just sat their like a lump setting his alarm clock. I'm going to look at 2 apartments today, 1 tomorrow and one Monday.
I woke up and thought. Maybe today. I even got a blanket and put it in my car since the weather is getting chilly. But I've gotten no email from J. I thought since he'd asked to get together last Friday, but I missed his email, that maybe this Friday would work for him too. I wanted to email him pretty badly. But I didn't. I stuck to my guns. I'll talk to him at class on Monday if it kills me. I am wondering if he thinks I'm blowing him off? Do guys even think like that? I missed his email. I wasn't at work. I emailed him back and told him as much. But it's been a week, I've seen him twice since then, and he's not said a single thing about it. That's why I wonder if he's moved to someone else. But then I think about how it turned south when he started student teaching. That is a full time job on top of the jobs he actually gets paid for. Stress can affect these things right? That's the excuse the X gave me when he broke up with me nearly a year ago.
I wish I knew what to do. I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me what to do.
It sucks that I am so upset all of the time. It takes so little to start me crying. I worry that I'm not going to do well in my new job. I am afraid that the things I like to do will go by the wayside because of the schedule. I worry that if I don't leave my mother's house I'll be miserable for being there even when she's not. I'll have to do a ton of commuting to work, to the gym and home again. But am I wasting money if I decide to move out? Does time equal money? Am I moving out really to be close to things or to be close to J, thinking that he'll be available more often if we have a place to be alone? What if I move and he breaks it off with me? Will I just get more depressed? Supposedly moving and losing a job are among the most stressful things one can go through. I wonder if changing jobs and moving qualify too?
I looked up how to become a ballroom dance instructor today. One of the professionals on Dancing with the Stars said he was an electrition until he answered an add for instructors. He had no experience dancing but they taught him how to dance and how to teach at the same time. He's been doing for 5 years now. I found a "college" in San Fran that does it. It's expensive though. I am going to keep looking around here. That is how desperate I have become to find what the hell I want to do with my life. Sometimes I wonder why I have it. At this point in time, I'd just really like to go to sleep so I can stop feeling all of this anxiety over every small aspect of my life.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Jealousy
I was checking my mother's hotmail (she often doesn't know how to do something on email and asks that I do it for her) and saw a link to an article regarding jealousy.
It talked about the underlying reasons behind feeling jealousy - abandonment issues mainly. And then it talked about feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. Which struck me as particularly relevant in my case. I wonder why J doesn't want to be with me as much or as often as I want to be with him. I wonder what I'm doing wrong, and what must be wrong with me to causing the reaction in him. The article suggested figuring out what you don't like about yourself and then how you can change that image of yourself.
I wish I could pin-point what the problem is really. My life is in no worse a place than it was when I was having fun this summer. It is in fact moving in better directions. So why am I a wreck with jealousy?
Is it really even jealousy? Do I really want to keep J all to myself? I don't even really have him. Or am I envious? Envious of what? the other girls he dances with? The other places he spends his time that I don't know about? Arghhh. I sound horrible.
This. This is what I don't like about myself. I liked myself better when I did everything for me with only a thought for me and not who I was going to possibly run into if I did things.
It talked about the underlying reasons behind feeling jealousy - abandonment issues mainly. And then it talked about feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. Which struck me as particularly relevant in my case. I wonder why J doesn't want to be with me as much or as often as I want to be with him. I wonder what I'm doing wrong, and what must be wrong with me to causing the reaction in him. The article suggested figuring out what you don't like about yourself and then how you can change that image of yourself.
I wish I could pin-point what the problem is really. My life is in no worse a place than it was when I was having fun this summer. It is in fact moving in better directions. So why am I a wreck with jealousy?
Is it really even jealousy? Do I really want to keep J all to myself? I don't even really have him. Or am I envious? Envious of what? the other girls he dances with? The other places he spends his time that I don't know about? Arghhh. I sound horrible.
This. This is what I don't like about myself. I liked myself better when I did everything for me with only a thought for me and not who I was going to possibly run into if I did things.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Training Day
Today I went to some technical training for my new job. During some of the down time (or the time I wasn't really paying attention) I wrote this down:
10:45am (an hour and a half in):
This is so exciting. Being here and learning about what I'm going to be doing. I have so many ideas already.
12:45 pm (3 and a half hours in; just before lunch; after a group exercise):
But already I see people that are going to be difficult to work with. I guess you can't get away from annoying people or coworkers no matter where you work. My only concern is that some of them are very white bread. When "foreign" is a user group and they are joking about the homeless. I'm not sure that I've done the right thing. This might be a bad idea. I haven't started yet though. I'm still hopeful.
Just to explain a little: I currently work on an Urban campus. I have been here for going on 3 years. There are things I don't like about it. I wouldn't call myself an "urban" person. We have our share of homeless people who want money and dig through the trash outside of the buildings and go into the buildings to keep warm until some student complains. We also have our share of international students who may not have the best command of the English language, and we have some who would probably correct my grammar. So now that I have gotten a job out in the suburbs, it is a bit of a culture shock. I tried so hard to get them to call the user group internationals or something other than "foreigners" as if they're aliens or "others." These are our users! I wanted to scream, treat them with more respect. And having seen the homeless up close for even this short time, I think it is nothing to joke about. Ha Ha the homeless...this is an affluent suburb, I get that, but why does that have to make you callous to the financial plight of others?
And the one annoying soon to be co-worker, made that list, because she said that she honestly didn't understand what was going on, when she was told that her computer wouldn't print and she'd have to use a different one. Granted I know slightly older people aren't tech savvy. But what is so hard to understand about "that computer does not print"? And then she started asking me why her computer wasn't hooked up to the printer. How many times was I introduced as the new person who wasn't starting for another couple of weeks? At least 3. I don't know, maybe she's deaf too.
The drive from there to my weights class took just over half an hour. I think my classes will still be shot to hell for the rest of this semester. But I can still use the gym, and I might still run into J on occasion. I wish he weren't so busy with grades this week I need to get this new job thing off my chest and figure out where I stand. I saw that girl from yesterday after my weights class tonight. It ruined an otherwise good day. And I had been very good with my mantra which has expanded to "I'm done. I am just done with you." I don't even know who she is, but I hate her. I look at every woman and wonder why they have nice round little asses, when mine is small, flat and saggy. And why do they have tiny waists with nice round big breasts, but mine are so tiny. Seriously, I lost a bunch of weight and I'm still a pear shape with smaller breasts than hips (and I mean hips not my chunky thighs). I swear about 1/2 the weight I lost came from my boobs. I'm not really sure why J settled for having sex with me in the first place. I'm sure he could get a much better looking girl than me. Like Pink Sweat-suit Girl (though she was in yellow today). If he's not already fucking her, I'm sure it's just a matter of time.
10:45am (an hour and a half in):
This is so exciting. Being here and learning about what I'm going to be doing. I have so many ideas already.
12:45 pm (3 and a half hours in; just before lunch; after a group exercise):
But already I see people that are going to be difficult to work with. I guess you can't get away from annoying people or coworkers no matter where you work. My only concern is that some of them are very white bread. When "foreign" is a user group and they are joking about the homeless. I'm not sure that I've done the right thing. This might be a bad idea. I haven't started yet though. I'm still hopeful.
Just to explain a little: I currently work on an Urban campus. I have been here for going on 3 years. There are things I don't like about it. I wouldn't call myself an "urban" person. We have our share of homeless people who want money and dig through the trash outside of the buildings and go into the buildings to keep warm until some student complains. We also have our share of international students who may not have the best command of the English language, and we have some who would probably correct my grammar. So now that I have gotten a job out in the suburbs, it is a bit of a culture shock. I tried so hard to get them to call the user group internationals or something other than "foreigners" as if they're aliens or "others." These are our users! I wanted to scream, treat them with more respect. And having seen the homeless up close for even this short time, I think it is nothing to joke about. Ha Ha the homeless...this is an affluent suburb, I get that, but why does that have to make you callous to the financial plight of others?
And the one annoying soon to be co-worker, made that list, because she said that she honestly didn't understand what was going on, when she was told that her computer wouldn't print and she'd have to use a different one. Granted I know slightly older people aren't tech savvy. But what is so hard to understand about "that computer does not print"? And then she started asking me why her computer wasn't hooked up to the printer. How many times was I introduced as the new person who wasn't starting for another couple of weeks? At least 3. I don't know, maybe she's deaf too.
The drive from there to my weights class took just over half an hour. I think my classes will still be shot to hell for the rest of this semester. But I can still use the gym, and I might still run into J on occasion. I wish he weren't so busy with grades this week I need to get this new job thing off my chest and figure out where I stand. I saw that girl from yesterday after my weights class tonight. It ruined an otherwise good day. And I had been very good with my mantra which has expanded to "I'm done. I am just done with you." I don't even know who she is, but I hate her. I look at every woman and wonder why they have nice round little asses, when mine is small, flat and saggy. And why do they have tiny waists with nice round big breasts, but mine are so tiny. Seriously, I lost a bunch of weight and I'm still a pear shape with smaller breasts than hips (and I mean hips not my chunky thighs). I swear about 1/2 the weight I lost came from my boobs. I'm not really sure why J settled for having sex with me in the first place. I'm sure he could get a much better looking girl than me. Like Pink Sweat-suit Girl (though she was in yellow today). If he's not already fucking her, I'm sure it's just a matter of time.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Why can't I be happy for myself?
I don't think the work schedule at my new job will support my dance class habit. Not the classes I'm taking now anyway.
Why does my personal and social life (which revolves around campus, the gym, my fitness classes) have to suffer to be happy with my professional life? I can't remember a time when they were both good. Either my job sucks but I have great friends and I go out and do things for myself or I have a great productive job that I like but am miserable in my personal life - no friends, heart break, lonely.
Why can I not just enjoy the amazing opportunity that is in front of me? Instead I have to obessess about other things.
I remember going to study abroad. I cried getting on the plane and I cried for probably the first hour of the flight. I ended up staying for a second year I loved it there so much.
My first ever "camp" experience was studying in college for a summer semester. I cried the night before. I was packing and I wondered if it was too late to back out. I loved it there. I cried when I got home. I was depressed until I went to study abroad.
I know this about myself. It's just fear.
But I am wondering if I am made the right choice.
Why does my personal and social life (which revolves around campus, the gym, my fitness classes) have to suffer to be happy with my professional life? I can't remember a time when they were both good. Either my job sucks but I have great friends and I go out and do things for myself or I have a great productive job that I like but am miserable in my personal life - no friends, heart break, lonely.
Why can I not just enjoy the amazing opportunity that is in front of me? Instead I have to obessess about other things.
I remember going to study abroad. I cried getting on the plane and I cried for probably the first hour of the flight. I ended up staying for a second year I loved it there so much.
My first ever "camp" experience was studying in college for a summer semester. I cried the night before. I was packing and I wondered if it was too late to back out. I loved it there. I cried when I got home. I was depressed until I went to study abroad.
I know this about myself. It's just fear.
But I am wondering if I am made the right choice.
Perfidia
He's just a boy and he's not thinking about you. Six months ago you didn't know he existed. He's just a boy and he's not thinking about you. Six months ago you didn't know he existed. He's just a boy and he's not thinking about you. Six months ago you didn't know he existed. He's just a boy and he's not thinking about you. Six months ago you didn't know he existed.
I've decided for that to be my mantra to keep me in perspective. I came up with it last night after rejecting this one:
Fuck you, you fucking bastard. Don't think I don't know how it starts. You god-damned jackass.
That one is more angry and less therapeutic.
Yesterday started okay. I had a soul sucking meeting and then I got to announce to my office that I was leaving. My boss sent out a system wide email and I have gotten some very nice congratulatory emails.
My thoughts were that after missing each other on Friday that I'd wait for J after class and we'd get together then. When I got to the gym I realized I had forgotten some of my work-out clothes and had to wear my work clothes to dance class. I was wearing a nice flowy skirt because we had warmish fall weather and it made for good spins even if I wasn't wearing shorts under it. Anyway...I got there early and J danced with me showing me a move he learned in a workshop class over the weekend (when I ran into him leaving). It was very cool, even if he couldn't remember all of it and I wasn't so great with it being complicated and new. Though he did pull the "I have to stop" shit again. I can not figure out why he does that. (It's too much to hope that he gets turned on when we dance). He watched me show him some styling I had learned in the class I took. I also ended up being the odd wheel in class with no partner so I danced with him for the first half. But then another person showed up and I had to lead.
With out my work-out clothes I had to skip weights class and J said I could check out his 5:30, they need leaders (damn!). So I did. It wasn't too bad. Though my partner wanted to watch everyone else instead of dance and they are a couple of weeks behind the earlier class. He used me to demonstrate a new move which reminded me of the summer class when he would do that because he and I would stay late to dance so he could come up with moves for class. I get sad thinking about the summer. It was so good. He and I would flirt and dance. Even after we started sleeping together the rest of the summer was still that way. I try so hard to blame the change on him being so busy with the semester. He must be working 80 hrs a week with all of his jobs, if not more, because of student teaching. But, deep down I know that if he were interested he would let me know.
I really thought I was going to get to leave with him after that class. If nothing else I haven't gotten to tell him that I have a new job in two weeks and might not be around any more. My feet were killing me I went dancing 4 days in a row and I wouldn't have gone to the second class if I thought he was going to avoid me. Towards the end of class - last 7 or 10 minutes a girl comes in the connecting door (to the other studio) waits in the doorway until J says she can come in. He calls for a switch in partners and instead of taking the next student in line he starts dancing with her. She had some good footwork so she obviously dances, but her partner work didn't impress me (oh and I was jealous-it didn't help that my partner didn't want to dance but watch them and kept saying how good they were). He only danced like 1/3 of a song, and took the student. I thought that the girl just stopped in from the class next door, but no she sat down at the front by J and waited. Then as he let us leave he turns to her and says "Let me just make sure the room is free." That is when my heart dropped to the floor and got trampled on. He stayed there and danced with her. Like he used to do with me. That is the same studio that he first kissed me in. That is the same studio we had sex in once. Granted there are a ton of explanations. It could have been a private lesson, it could have been a preview lesson, I know he's done those for people. But really, who am I kidding. Sure I am jumping to conclusions that he is replacing me, but I don't see why it couldn't start innocent enough and go that way. What is that the Dr. Phil always says? "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you." He's talking about cheaters, but I think it applies here.
I was so close to turning into a stalker and seeing when he left, but lucky me I have some self respect left. It's not much, after all I am willing to be a convenience fuck for some guy in the back of a car. (God, I hate myself!)
At the very least I want a chance to tell him that I got a new job that may not allow me to take his classes. I think that I will have a better idea of what to do about this if I can tell him in person. It isn't something I want to email. Although I was thinking I might just lump in a mass email and do it that way, if I have do it by email I think that is the way to go. But, I always end up emailing him more often than he emails me.
I don't want to hate him. While I sometimes think that I must come across as a love-sick twelve-year-old who's eager to please and get attention, I do believe that he doesn't realize how I feel. How I really feel about him. There was nothing about our arrangement to ever suggest that we had to care about each other. It isn't his fault I fell into the girl trap of falling for someone you have casual sex with.
"Perfidia is one good-bye." I am not making anymore effort. I am sick of feeling like shit because he doesn't care about me. I didn't know he existed 6 months ago, in 6 months I'll be over him. He can't be the only hot latin dancer right? Maybe I should give Mario Lopez a call.
I've decided for that to be my mantra to keep me in perspective. I came up with it last night after rejecting this one:
Fuck you, you fucking bastard. Don't think I don't know how it starts. You god-damned jackass.
That one is more angry and less therapeutic.
Yesterday started okay. I had a soul sucking meeting and then I got to announce to my office that I was leaving. My boss sent out a system wide email and I have gotten some very nice congratulatory emails.
My thoughts were that after missing each other on Friday that I'd wait for J after class and we'd get together then. When I got to the gym I realized I had forgotten some of my work-out clothes and had to wear my work clothes to dance class. I was wearing a nice flowy skirt because we had warmish fall weather and it made for good spins even if I wasn't wearing shorts under it. Anyway...I got there early and J danced with me showing me a move he learned in a workshop class over the weekend (when I ran into him leaving). It was very cool, even if he couldn't remember all of it and I wasn't so great with it being complicated and new. Though he did pull the "I have to stop" shit again. I can not figure out why he does that. (It's too much to hope that he gets turned on when we dance). He watched me show him some styling I had learned in the class I took. I also ended up being the odd wheel in class with no partner so I danced with him for the first half. But then another person showed up and I had to lead.
With out my work-out clothes I had to skip weights class and J said I could check out his 5:30, they need leaders (damn!). So I did. It wasn't too bad. Though my partner wanted to watch everyone else instead of dance and they are a couple of weeks behind the earlier class. He used me to demonstrate a new move which reminded me of the summer class when he would do that because he and I would stay late to dance so he could come up with moves for class. I get sad thinking about the summer. It was so good. He and I would flirt and dance. Even after we started sleeping together the rest of the summer was still that way. I try so hard to blame the change on him being so busy with the semester. He must be working 80 hrs a week with all of his jobs, if not more, because of student teaching. But, deep down I know that if he were interested he would let me know.
I really thought I was going to get to leave with him after that class. If nothing else I haven't gotten to tell him that I have a new job in two weeks and might not be around any more. My feet were killing me I went dancing 4 days in a row and I wouldn't have gone to the second class if I thought he was going to avoid me. Towards the end of class - last 7 or 10 minutes a girl comes in the connecting door (to the other studio) waits in the doorway until J says she can come in. He calls for a switch in partners and instead of taking the next student in line he starts dancing with her. She had some good footwork so she obviously dances, but her partner work didn't impress me (oh and I was jealous-it didn't help that my partner didn't want to dance but watch them and kept saying how good they were). He only danced like 1/3 of a song, and took the student. I thought that the girl just stopped in from the class next door, but no she sat down at the front by J and waited. Then as he let us leave he turns to her and says "Let me just make sure the room is free." That is when my heart dropped to the floor and got trampled on. He stayed there and danced with her. Like he used to do with me. That is the same studio that he first kissed me in. That is the same studio we had sex in once. Granted there are a ton of explanations. It could have been a private lesson, it could have been a preview lesson, I know he's done those for people. But really, who am I kidding. Sure I am jumping to conclusions that he is replacing me, but I don't see why it couldn't start innocent enough and go that way. What is that the Dr. Phil always says? "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you." He's talking about cheaters, but I think it applies here.
I was so close to turning into a stalker and seeing when he left, but lucky me I have some self respect left. It's not much, after all I am willing to be a convenience fuck for some guy in the back of a car. (God, I hate myself!)
At the very least I want a chance to tell him that I got a new job that may not allow me to take his classes. I think that I will have a better idea of what to do about this if I can tell him in person. It isn't something I want to email. Although I was thinking I might just lump in a mass email and do it that way, if I have do it by email I think that is the way to go. But, I always end up emailing him more often than he emails me.
I don't want to hate him. While I sometimes think that I must come across as a love-sick twelve-year-old who's eager to please and get attention, I do believe that he doesn't realize how I feel. How I really feel about him. There was nothing about our arrangement to ever suggest that we had to care about each other. It isn't his fault I fell into the girl trap of falling for someone you have casual sex with.
"Perfidia is one good-bye." I am not making anymore effort. I am sick of feeling like shit because he doesn't care about me. I didn't know he existed 6 months ago, in 6 months I'll be over him. He can't be the only hot latin dancer right? Maybe I should give Mario Lopez a call.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Fantasies
I'm excited for my new job. I'm scared about it too. It's the first step in becoming an adult and it's freaking me out.
Mostly I'm sad about leaving all my fitness classes behind. I am sad to be leaving J behind as well. I haven't told him that I have a job and won't be in class after next week. I thought that I would be able to work and still go to his class in the evenings, but my very first day is scheduled through his second class. Maybe I'll be able to make it once in a while, but know I doubt it. This semester has been really hectic and we've only made time after class to get together. Now with a new job, I don't know if I'll be able to make any of his classes, or the other ones that I go to, which means I won't be seeing him much at all. Which means it might be over soon.
What is getting me down, is that I had all of these stupid fantasies that I was just hoping for someday to come true. I had imagined that next semester I would have an apartment near by, I'd be working a few hours less at this job, and then I'd be interning at the press as well. I would inevitably love the editing work and know that it was my true calling. J would come over to my apartment for our booty calls, but liking the fact that it was right by campus, not over-run with people like his place and the library would start staying to do his work. Maybe I offered to have him stay, I don't know, but eventually it would get cozier and we'd have dinner together and at somepoint a light bulb would go on and we'd be dating.
Right...and a little pink fairy is going to grant me 2 more wishes.
It is becoming increasingly obvious to me though that any chance I had to "date" J went out the window a couple months ago. There may have been a brief window of opportunity when we first started, but I think it has long been closed. On Friday our class went on a "field trip" to a club. It was great fun. J asked me to dance first, but the music ended and booty music started as we got to the floor. It took another hour and a half for him to ask me again. I realize that I wasn't always available to dance because these two guys kept dancing 2 or 3 songs with me and wanted to know why I wanted to leave when I said thanks and started to walk away. "Umm... I'm here to dance with more than you dude" is what I wanted to say, but usually it was "I need water." So color me angry when I did dance with J and half way through the song he said thanks that he needed water. I'm not a bad dancer so I don't understand why he doesn't want to dance with me any more. I saw him dancing with some other girls more than once. At one point (during some booty music) I was dancing with a couple of girls and he was alone at the bar. I thought for a minute that he was watching me, but then he took a phone call. A phone call? The guy who can't afford a new phone? (Maybe he borrowed a brother's phone) and then he went and sat with a couple of girls from his later class. I saw him dance with the female bartender and then he said good-bye.
I did manage to see him the next day at a workshop he was leaving a class and I was going into one. But he didn't seem even remotely glad to see me, too busy networking with other teachers I think. I kind of don't understand it since on Wednesday he put his arm around me in front of other students and gave me a neck rub. I kind of thought it was because the one girl from his later class was so obviously trying to flirt with him, but then he danced with her a few times and sat at her table on Friday. I don't know, maybe I was too stand-offish on Friday, but a)I'm not his girlfriend to be going up and putting my hands on him whenever I want to and b)I don't know how appropriate it is for me to be doing anything like that around his other students and assistant anyway. Other times I think I come off as way too eager. Rationally, I know that I'm nothing but a convience to him. I just can't help but think that I can do something to get him to care about me more.
Fantasy number two: Me being gone prompts J to realize how much he misses me and he calls me and we start going out for real.
The reality is though that I think nothing will happen and we'll just fade out of each others lives. I know that in a while, a few months all these feelings will fade to and when I do run into him at a social dance or a club we can be friendly. But right now I just want him to want me like I want him.
I went with G to the movies on Sat. we saw Running with Sissors. I felt really bad the whole time. I let him hold my hand on his second or third attempt, and I am sure that he wanted to make out more at the end of the night, but I just couldn't. It isn't fair to him that I sit there and wish I was with someone else. The movie wasn't that great really. It had some funny parts (they're all in the trailer) and a very creepy Joseph Fiennes. But one part really struck me, and I was trying not to let G notice that I started to cry. Auguston asks Natalie about a man and though she doesn't want to say, she breaks down and screams, "He's the only man I ever loved and he doesn't want me any more!" Later she says something along the lines of, "Sometimes we love people know don't deserve it because we have no one else." I don't think I'm that bad off (I'm certainly not a 13 year old talking about a 41 year old man who broke my collar bone), but it touched me.
On the one hand, I don't think that you can help who you end up having feelings for. Emotions are not something you decide to have. But I don't see that J has really done anything to "deserve" my feelings.
I know that all I am doing is talking and thinking myself around in circles. I don't want to give up seeing him, even if it is very infrequently, but at the same time I will never know if he gives even two thoughts about me during he day if I continue to hang around and that is why I think it is good to be moving on to a new job. And then I get freaked out again and think about what I will be missing.
I guess the good news is that even though I'm tempted. I've not given serious consideration to saying no to the job. Because when I isolate it from all my other shit, I think I will like it.
Mostly I'm sad about leaving all my fitness classes behind. I am sad to be leaving J behind as well. I haven't told him that I have a job and won't be in class after next week. I thought that I would be able to work and still go to his class in the evenings, but my very first day is scheduled through his second class. Maybe I'll be able to make it once in a while, but know I doubt it. This semester has been really hectic and we've only made time after class to get together. Now with a new job, I don't know if I'll be able to make any of his classes, or the other ones that I go to, which means I won't be seeing him much at all. Which means it might be over soon.
What is getting me down, is that I had all of these stupid fantasies that I was just hoping for someday to come true. I had imagined that next semester I would have an apartment near by, I'd be working a few hours less at this job, and then I'd be interning at the press as well. I would inevitably love the editing work and know that it was my true calling. J would come over to my apartment for our booty calls, but liking the fact that it was right by campus, not over-run with people like his place and the library would start staying to do his work. Maybe I offered to have him stay, I don't know, but eventually it would get cozier and we'd have dinner together and at somepoint a light bulb would go on and we'd be dating.
Right...and a little pink fairy is going to grant me 2 more wishes.
It is becoming increasingly obvious to me though that any chance I had to "date" J went out the window a couple months ago. There may have been a brief window of opportunity when we first started, but I think it has long been closed. On Friday our class went on a "field trip" to a club. It was great fun. J asked me to dance first, but the music ended and booty music started as we got to the floor. It took another hour and a half for him to ask me again. I realize that I wasn't always available to dance because these two guys kept dancing 2 or 3 songs with me and wanted to know why I wanted to leave when I said thanks and started to walk away. "Umm... I'm here to dance with more than you dude" is what I wanted to say, but usually it was "I need water." So color me angry when I did dance with J and half way through the song he said thanks that he needed water. I'm not a bad dancer so I don't understand why he doesn't want to dance with me any more. I saw him dancing with some other girls more than once. At one point (during some booty music) I was dancing with a couple of girls and he was alone at the bar. I thought for a minute that he was watching me, but then he took a phone call. A phone call? The guy who can't afford a new phone? (Maybe he borrowed a brother's phone) and then he went and sat with a couple of girls from his later class. I saw him dance with the female bartender and then he said good-bye.
I did manage to see him the next day at a workshop he was leaving a class and I was going into one. But he didn't seem even remotely glad to see me, too busy networking with other teachers I think. I kind of don't understand it since on Wednesday he put his arm around me in front of other students and gave me a neck rub. I kind of thought it was because the one girl from his later class was so obviously trying to flirt with him, but then he danced with her a few times and sat at her table on Friday. I don't know, maybe I was too stand-offish on Friday, but a)I'm not his girlfriend to be going up and putting my hands on him whenever I want to and b)I don't know how appropriate it is for me to be doing anything like that around his other students and assistant anyway. Other times I think I come off as way too eager. Rationally, I know that I'm nothing but a convience to him. I just can't help but think that I can do something to get him to care about me more.
Fantasy number two: Me being gone prompts J to realize how much he misses me and he calls me and we start going out for real.
The reality is though that I think nothing will happen and we'll just fade out of each others lives. I know that in a while, a few months all these feelings will fade to and when I do run into him at a social dance or a club we can be friendly. But right now I just want him to want me like I want him.
I went with G to the movies on Sat. we saw Running with Sissors. I felt really bad the whole time. I let him hold my hand on his second or third attempt, and I am sure that he wanted to make out more at the end of the night, but I just couldn't. It isn't fair to him that I sit there and wish I was with someone else. The movie wasn't that great really. It had some funny parts (they're all in the trailer) and a very creepy Joseph Fiennes. But one part really struck me, and I was trying not to let G notice that I started to cry. Auguston asks Natalie about a man and though she doesn't want to say, she breaks down and screams, "He's the only man I ever loved and he doesn't want me any more!" Later she says something along the lines of, "Sometimes we love people know don't deserve it because we have no one else." I don't think I'm that bad off (I'm certainly not a 13 year old talking about a 41 year old man who broke my collar bone), but it touched me.
On the one hand, I don't think that you can help who you end up having feelings for. Emotions are not something you decide to have. But I don't see that J has really done anything to "deserve" my feelings.
I know that all I am doing is talking and thinking myself around in circles. I don't want to give up seeing him, even if it is very infrequently, but at the same time I will never know if he gives even two thoughts about me during he day if I continue to hang around and that is why I think it is good to be moving on to a new job. And then I get freaked out again and think about what I will be missing.
I guess the good news is that even though I'm tempted. I've not given serious consideration to saying no to the job. Because when I isolate it from all my other shit, I think I will like it.
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