Moments of Clarity

It is weird. Despite being in this horrible funk, this odd depression wich I haven't had this bad in years, there are brief moments where I realize how crazy I am being over this stuff.

It hit me last night during pilates. I got my coveted spot in front of the mirror off to the side and behind the instructor. We were doing leg lifts facing the mirror (usually we're on our front or backs or hands and knees)and I thought, "what the fuck? I am good looking and attractive. Why am I doing my head in thinking I'm not desirable enough?" Really, if someone isn't attracted to me, isn't that their problem, not mine. I can't change the way I am physically put together. (Well, I'm certainly not paying for or undergoing major surgery to it anyway). But the hard part is that I think he is attracted to me.

On the way home I got horribly optomistic. I was imagining him helping me move my bed into my new place. Fantasizing about bribing him with sexual favors, offering to buy him dinner in exchange for the help and having a pseudo-date.

I was doing fine until I got home and my mom mentioned something about the new job and I burst out crying. And damn her husband for not realizing that as I'm sitting on the bed bawling and talking to my mom, that he should probably give us some privacy. But no, he stuck around and just sat their like a lump setting his alarm clock. I'm going to look at 2 apartments today, 1 tomorrow and one Monday.

I woke up and thought. Maybe today. I even got a blanket and put it in my car since the weather is getting chilly. But I've gotten no email from J. I thought since he'd asked to get together last Friday, but I missed his email, that maybe this Friday would work for him too. I wanted to email him pretty badly. But I didn't. I stuck to my guns. I'll talk to him at class on Monday if it kills me. I am wondering if he thinks I'm blowing him off? Do guys even think like that? I missed his email. I wasn't at work. I emailed him back and told him as much. But it's been a week, I've seen him twice since then, and he's not said a single thing about it. That's why I wonder if he's moved to someone else. But then I think about how it turned south when he started student teaching. That is a full time job on top of the jobs he actually gets paid for. Stress can affect these things right? That's the excuse the X gave me when he broke up with me nearly a year ago.

I wish I knew what to do. I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me what to do.

It sucks that I am so upset all of the time. It takes so little to start me crying. I worry that I'm not going to do well in my new job. I am afraid that the things I like to do will go by the wayside because of the schedule. I worry that if I don't leave my mother's house I'll be miserable for being there even when she's not. I'll have to do a ton of commuting to work, to the gym and home again. But am I wasting money if I decide to move out? Does time equal money? Am I moving out really to be close to things or to be close to J, thinking that he'll be available more often if we have a place to be alone? What if I move and he breaks it off with me? Will I just get more depressed? Supposedly moving and losing a job are among the most stressful things one can go through. I wonder if changing jobs and moving qualify too?

I looked up how to become a ballroom dance instructor today. One of the professionals on Dancing with the Stars said he was an electrition until he answered an add for instructors. He had no experience dancing but they taught him how to dance and how to teach at the same time. He's been doing for 5 years now. I found a "college" in San Fran that does it. It's expensive though. I am going to keep looking around here. That is how desperate I have become to find what the hell I want to do with my life. Sometimes I wonder why I have it. At this point in time, I'd just really like to go to sleep so I can stop feeling all of this anxiety over every small aspect of my life.