Am I being too sensitive, or insensitive?

My life is a fucking roller coaster. Wendesday night you would have thought the world was ending by my emotions. And then last night it just lifted. I still feel like a fucking moron for what I did. But there is nothing I can do about it now.

I don't understand why I couldn't just leave well enough alone. He said on Monday that he has no life. He said on Wednesday that there are all of these people that know him and he doesn't want to hang with them. Why couldn't I just take what he said at face value? The boy is stressed and I think I might be making him feel like he's got to do something with me, or he's got make excuses. I don't think that he really wanted to kiss me on Wednesday. I just need to remind myself that there is nothing I can do about his feelings, he has them or he doesn't.

I've decided to leave off obsessing over it. I'm just done.

I'll give him time and space to give me a call if he wants to. But I'm not making any more effort. I've thought of just casually mentioning that I miss the summer time when I got to dance with him and we saw each other more. But I don't want to be pushy, needy, or demanding. Saying anything would of course require me seeing him to talk to him.

When I move into my new place, maybe things will get better. I'll invite him to the house warming and I'll let him know that he's welcome over even if it's not to have sex. But that's all I can do.

On Wednesday I sat in my car sobbing against my steering wheel while Blue October's song "Into the Ocean" played on the radio.

I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life that's sadly stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'

You're floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jets, I'm sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)
Just to prove I knew how (yeah)
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
So thought no end my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
into the ocean...end it all

[Zayra]
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

At the time I was thinking about running away. Of letting yourself just drown because you don't know what else to do. But I heard it again last night (it came up as a most requested song on one particular radio station) and I had a different idea of the song then. I think it's just letting everything you feel washing over you. Just getting lost in it all. I think sometimes that's the only way to get through it. "Let the rain of what I feel come down." Sometimes the only way to move on is to hit the bottom. I've done that now. Now I'm ready to just leave it. There's really nothing more to do.