I regret the things I haven't done. I regret not getting the apartment on campus that I saw in August despite the price. For some reason I thought that having my parents out of the house would be good enough. Now I see I was wrong and I am mad at myself. I think that living here will be a good thing, especially if I make the effort to get out of the house to go dancing and take other dance classes if I can't take them here. If J comes around more often then great, and if he doesn't he doesn't. There isn't anything I can do about that. I can tell him my feelings and hope it spurs something new and better. Or I can tell him my feelings and he'll reject me. From there either we stay friends and everything is cool, or we have nothing more to do with eachother, or things go on as normal if slightly awkwardly.
I admit, I am afraid to change things. I like big change - moving to Europe was a big change; giving up my summer to camping in the wilderness - that was big change. This new job isn't big enough change. It doesn't take me away to new and exciting things. It just screws up the few good things I do have going on right now. I'd still be crying if I had gotten the job that called me right after this one did (that one just wanted a phone interview), but I wouldn't be trying to find loop-holes and trying to hang on to things here. I'd make a clean break and start over. I wonder if that wouldn't have been a better idea. I just never thought I'd get a job so close to home. I thought that I'd have to move out of state for sure. Our economy is one of the worst in the nation right now, everyone is having to take part-time work or move. I suppose I should be counting my lucky stars that I even have a job.
I woke up feeling bad again. I woke up early because daylight savings time now has sunlight streaming through my window so early. But I forced myself up and finished of my candy and diet coke with more Battlestar Galactica and Heroes (I've been taping my shows for 2 weeks because I've been so busy). Which made me feel a little better.
I decided to pull out my Tarot again. I didn't ask it about the apartment, just J and the job.
To the question of is this new job a mistake I got:
The Six of Pentacles Reversed is supposed to mean wealth and greed. But if I had pulled it right side up it would have meant success in business. I am not sure what this means. Yes I've been greedy and this is a mistake? Or is the job going to make me greed? Perhaps it is only a mistake if I went for the job out of greed? Which I didn't do, so No it isn't a mistake? I would have liked this better if I had pulled it normal and not reversed.
And to the question of J, I got:
The Hermit Reversed-means immaturity. Which I am not sure means that I am immature in my dealings with or attitude toward J. Or if J is the one that is immature. I lean toward the latter because I shuffled and pulled the card for myself. If it had been normal the Hermit would have meant withdrawal from the world, meditation. I'm glad that I didn't get that. I think that would have told me that I need time away from him to think. I don't want time away from him. But being told that I'm acting immaturely. That I can handle. I can work on that.
I still feel fairly limbo-ed here not having started my job, waiting to see what it will be like, if I can still make it to my classes, wondering if it will be easier or harder after the new year. I put so many resumes out thinking that a new job would get me out of limbo. But I've made it worse.
I was thinking on my way to see an apartment that I am being immature. I am expecting J to view me almost like a girlfriend. I want to know if he's seeing other girls. I am jealous of them. But the whole time I've known him and even since we've been sleeping together I have been going out with other guys. I've made out with other guys. I've fooled around with one. Who the fuck am I to be so hypocritical? He's never once asked me if I go out with anyone else, but I've been tempted on a number of occasions to ask him. I'm not his girlfriend. We don't even date. I have no claims on him. But he has no claims on me either. I can't have it both ways. I shouldn't be getting jealous because J is dancing with some other girl when I am going out with G tonight. When early in the summer I had to say no to J because I had already made plans with L. That time I was fine with it. I had other things to do and J had fall in where I could fit him. Now, I am trying to fit other things around him. I really, really have to stop doing that. He's just a boy.
The apartment was nice and homey, but way to expensive for the amount of driving I would have to do. I liked one of the ones I saw yesterday, but I am holding out for one of the ones I am seeing tomorrow. The one yesterday had hard floors through out, which I like...I can dance on that, but it was on the first floor. These ones tomorrow are carpet throughout, but has cheap wireless. That's why I want it, and it has a parking lot.
I've just decided to not be mad at myself for not taking this apartment in the summer. Yes, I regret it, but I'm going to forgive myself. I'll consider it saving. I saved some money and now I can afford the apartment with the wireless connection and parking. That's a good way of looking at it.
I think the diet coke and candy is the secret to feeling better about life.
0 comments:
Post a Comment