And the Rollercoaster Comes Down

I am the biggest stupid fucking moron in the world.

I invited a ton of people out last night to celebrate my last day at work and the beginning of my new job. Despite some telling me they were coming, only 4 people showed up. Some were nice enough to email and say good luck but I can't make it. But mostly I got a bunch of people who I thought were my friends giving me the old, who gives a fuck. Nice. I guess I know who really cares about me now.

I had mentioned to somebody in my dance class that I was going to be going out dancing on Friday and he said that he'd come join me so I had someone to dance with. Fine. No big deal. Except I get there and he wants to put his arm around me, buy me a drink and insinuates himself in between me and another guy I was talking to. This dance class guy totally thought it was a date. That wasn't sooo bad, I did manage to dance with other guys. Secretly I was hoping J would show up sicne I mentioned it to him too, but I knew I was hoping in vain.

What really brought the evening crashing down around my feet was this girl who asked him to dance. She came over afterward because she recognized me. She was in the summer advanced class that J taught. The kicker was when she says to me "J and I still dance together sometimes" and then later when I asked her where else she danced at she listed some off and included "Oh, and J and I went to S____a's once." WTF?? In my mind, I'm thinking, that's what I wanted. I wanted to go dancing with him I just never had the guts to ask. What freakin' annoys me though, is that the girl said that she and boyfriend she took the class with in the summer broke up. So when exactly did she go out with J? And they still dance sometimes?

I know that that could mean anything. She could have been making conversation because it's something we have in common and the last time she danced with him could have been a couple of months ago. I guess I still consider myself to still be sleeping with J even though it's been nearly a month.

On the one hand I want to ask for what I want. On the other, I dont' want to be rejected. But if he doesn't know that I want to dance with him or see him more often, what is going to make him bother?

I was so pissed off. I left and I deleted J's number from my phone. It's kind of petty and he'll never know I did it, but it felt good at the time. But now I want to email him. Studio time has opened up because a class got canceled and I so badly want to ask him if he wants to dance there sometimes. Especially since I will be missing his class with the new job. But then I am being pushy and demanding.

I don't know what to believe anymore. Do I believe him that he doesn't have time for anything and he really doesn't want to be around anyone? Or do I think that he's just a player with a ton of girls he keeps with just enough attention.

I want to give him some time to see if he calls me. But I guess I am terrified that he isn't going to. So why do I want somebody if I have to constantly remind them of my existance? Why am I doing my head in for this guy? Why can't I stop when I know it isn't good for me?

Today I thought I would say to him next time, "Hey, if we're going to be 'friends with benefits' I want the friends part too." I don't want to feel like a warm blow-up doll he brings out when he needs to.

I woke up horriblly depressed and anxious. I could feel my heart beating really hard like I was nervous. The only thing that popped into my head was "I don't want to do this." Why, why did I have to take this job and make everything change?