Magic 8 Ball, should I....?

I couldn't sleep last night. Big surprise. I spent the better part of two hours crying my eyes out. I just know that I've ruined everything.

Faced with my own idiotacy I wish I could run away. I wish my job was out of state. I wish I hadn't settled on an apartment here. I wish I never had to face J again. I know that he may not have even seen me, but I'll always know.

It's weird. I can't imagine us being a couple. I don't know him well enough to know if we'd work out like that. Personally, I think that I am too needy for him. As much as I don't want to be the type of girl who wraps her life around a guy, I want somebody who thinks about me, is considerate and wants to spend time with me. I thought J was like that when we started in the summer. It has become horribly apparent to me that I have become a walking talking blow-up doll to J. He'll fuck me when he wants to, otherwise he's got no use for me. The horror if it is that I did it to myself.

The only remedy that I can think of is to (gasp! shudder!) talk to him about it if we ever get together again. We don't talk about real heavy stuff. Just work and dance and how horny are you. The question becomes how do I do it? What do I say? I went through a number of options last night (no wonder I couldn't sleep). So, here is what I've come up with:

The soft and emotional approach: I don't want to ruin what we've got going on, and even though I don't think you feel the same way I have to admit that:

a) I have a crush on you and have since I met you
b)I have developed "feelings" for you
c)I am really "into" you beyond just the intense physical attraction
OR
d) I like and respect you as a person beyond the intense physical attraction
(this would eliminate the "I don't think you feel the same way" part of the intro)
I'd like to add in there somewhere too, that I don't generally sleep around. I'm not a slut or a whore. I genuinely want to be with him and am not just trying to get my rocks off.


The slightly more blunt, a little less emotional route: I feel the need to be straight forward and honest with you and I hope you'll do the same
a)Do you really want to keep "this," what ever "this" is, going on, because I get the feeling that you're not as into me as you were this summer? or even more bluntly Are you really busy and distracted with work, or are you losing interest in me?
b)If I get an apartment am I going to see you any more than I do now?
(I'm thinking of pairing a and b with:Maybe I should get off the pill if I'm only going to be seeing you once a month. We can stick to just condoms if that's all we're going to be doing.)
c)How many other girls do you sleep with because you don't seem to be wanting to sleep me as often as you used to? (not necessarily qualified with a because...)
OR
d)Do you even like me, because I get the feeling that you really only want me around for convenient sex when you're horny?

I'm wondering if some kind of combination of more than one approach would be the best. Really my brain is spinning with all of these things that I want to get out, but I think that conversation is way to heavy to be having at this stage. I wonder if I should just establish that he likes me as a person beyond sex or that I'll see him more often and then get to some of the other stuff at a later date.

I don't want to freak him out or make him think I want to be his girlfriend that's not what I'm after. I want to still be able to get with him on occasion, I just want it to be more like it was in the summer when I could tell that he wanted to be with me too. I don't want to feel like I'm just a convenience and not a real person that he's attracted to and wants to be intimate with .

I don't know. Maybe it would just be easier if he never spoke to me again. I never went to another of his classes and we came to a silent, but mutual, decision to just ignore each other. I may not get any answers, but it would be a whole lot easier.