Oh, Lord what have I done? I don't recognize the person I've Become

I disgust myself. I have sunk to the lowest of the low. I am mortified beyond imagining. I want nothing more than for the pavement to open up and swallow me whole so that I don't have to walk around knowing to what depths I have decended. I make myself sick. Literally. I want to throw up so badly because I can't stand what I have become.

What was I thinking? Why did I do it? Why am I such a complete moron when it comes to J? Why is that all of my intelligence, rationality and common sense fly from my brain like scared birds?

It started today. I was trying to come to grips with Pink Sweat Suit Girl, not jumping to conclusions and such. I remembered back in the summer when there was this girl in our class who I figured was flirting with J and I thought he might like her back. I have this impression that he likes ethnic girls. I can't say why. Not that I'm "white" exactly, but I don't consider myself exotic or ethnic looking either. Anyway, just like PSS girl I didn't like Summer Flirt either. But after a couple of weeks she stopped coming all together and J said that he was glad. I think it was because we had too many girls to start which makes the class hard for him to teach, and the extra girls have to sit out more. Anyway, I didn't care why, I was just glad that he didn't care if she didn't come back.

Class was good. J and I danced a bit, my favorite songs from one the CDs I burned for him played, and I didn't have to lead. I even had the guts to invite the assistant (my ballet teacher) about a gather I planned to celebrate my new job. I ran into J on my way out of weights class and asked him to stick around I had more CDs for him. He then tells me he thinks he pulled a groin muscle on Monday and that though it was fine through class the second class made it hurt again. This was a new excuse for me. Usually it's always, I'm too tired. That's fine I had low expectations for today. He's been putting me off for so long I am used to it. But I walked out with him and he said he'd give me a ride to my car. Walking to the car we talked, and it was a bit weird when he asked me how I was getting on, implying, I realized later, how I was getting out with out having sex with him. He said he's got to manage alright he's too tired to do otherwise. I was thinking it, but I wish I had said something like, 'good, then I don't have to be jealous.' But I chickened out. I don't know what makes me not show as much affection as I'd like. Oddly, I've been this way with every non-related male in my life.

So he's driving me to my car and a girl crossing the street suddenly starts waving at him and he says he knows her, pulls over and says hi. She says she was going to stop by to see him, but didn't get there in time (no elaboration on wher 'there' was). Then gets out his phone and asks for her number. I take one look at her, since she's at my window and she's Summer Flirt! What the Fuck?!?!?! She says, call me know so I have your number, and J says, "I'll call you back in a few minutes. Will you still be on campus?" Yeah, she'll be at the library. So he pulls away and explains how he knows her, though I had figured it out already, and oddly that her cousin is one of his student-teacher students. But he can't remember her name for a bit. He talks about how weird it is when people know him. He knows lots of people, but he doesn't want to be around them. Huh? Like some teacher that he had who goes dancing at a place he knows.

He drops me at my car, says thanks for the CDs and goes to hug me. I lean in for the kiss. Damn if I'm not going to get one. So we do that for a bit. But obviously, he told me had a pulled groin so I finish it quickly telling him he'd better take care of himself so that heals. And go to my car.

That's when I get it into my head to see if he goes to park his car and meet up with Summer Flirt girl.

Yep. I have become the kind of person I hate. I wish I did't have to admit it. I wish I had never thought of it. I wish I had left well enough alone. I knew he was going to call her. He said as much right in front of me. But I had to be a stupid bitch and prove it to myself. So I get in my car he drives off and I followed him. Not obviously (I've watched Alias before) but I did. I thought he was this particular car in front of me that passed where J normally parks, so I go up a little farther and turn around to go toward my route home. Only to notice parallel parked on the opposite side of the road. J. On his cell phone. And if I noticed him....it isn't a strech to think that he noticed me.

At this point I know that I have hit rock bottom. I have let a little infatuation spiral to the point where I can't control myself any more. If I never have to look him in the eye and think that I had a stalker moment, that I was that invasive, I'll be okay with it. I hate myself more than I ever have in my entire life for stupid actions. So much for 'I only regret what I don't do.'

I am going cold-turkey as of this moment. If he saw me and thought it was strange and never calls me again, fine so be it. If he didn't that's fine too. I still know. But any and all interactions will have to be initiated by him. I can't be killing myself emotionally over somebody who obviously only thinks of me in terms of sex (per the conversation earlier). I deserve better than that. And J doesn't deserve this much from me. If we do end up 'getting together' soon as he suggested when he let me off at my car, I might have to come clean on my feelings. If we can come to some kind of arrangment so that I don't feel jealous anymore I can stop beating myself up for stupids shit. I can stop loosing my mind and doing things that are not like me.

I can't believe that I could have lost myself so completely in this. I think it's fairly obvious that I have lost the plot all together. I think it is also fairly obvious that he is not into me like he used to be. And with that realization...I think it's a good thing I won't be in his class anymore.