Fantasies

I'm excited for my new job. I'm scared about it too. It's the first step in becoming an adult and it's freaking me out.

Mostly I'm sad about leaving all my fitness classes behind. I am sad to be leaving J behind as well. I haven't told him that I have a job and won't be in class after next week. I thought that I would be able to work and still go to his class in the evenings, but my very first day is scheduled through his second class. Maybe I'll be able to make it once in a while, but know I doubt it. This semester has been really hectic and we've only made time after class to get together. Now with a new job, I don't know if I'll be able to make any of his classes, or the other ones that I go to, which means I won't be seeing him much at all. Which means it might be over soon.

What is getting me down, is that I had all of these stupid fantasies that I was just hoping for someday to come true. I had imagined that next semester I would have an apartment near by, I'd be working a few hours less at this job, and then I'd be interning at the press as well. I would inevitably love the editing work and know that it was my true calling. J would come over to my apartment for our booty calls, but liking the fact that it was right by campus, not over-run with people like his place and the library would start staying to do his work. Maybe I offered to have him stay, I don't know, but eventually it would get cozier and we'd have dinner together and at somepoint a light bulb would go on and we'd be dating.

Right...and a little pink fairy is going to grant me 2 more wishes.

It is becoming increasingly obvious to me though that any chance I had to "date" J went out the window a couple months ago. There may have been a brief window of opportunity when we first started, but I think it has long been closed. On Friday our class went on a "field trip" to a club. It was great fun. J asked me to dance first, but the music ended and booty music started as we got to the floor. It took another hour and a half for him to ask me again. I realize that I wasn't always available to dance because these two guys kept dancing 2 or 3 songs with me and wanted to know why I wanted to leave when I said thanks and started to walk away. "Umm... I'm here to dance with more than you dude" is what I wanted to say, but usually it was "I need water." So color me angry when I did dance with J and half way through the song he said thanks that he needed water. I'm not a bad dancer so I don't understand why he doesn't want to dance with me any more. I saw him dancing with some other girls more than once. At one point (during some booty music) I was dancing with a couple of girls and he was alone at the bar. I thought for a minute that he was watching me, but then he took a phone call. A phone call? The guy who can't afford a new phone? (Maybe he borrowed a brother's phone) and then he went and sat with a couple of girls from his later class. I saw him dance with the female bartender and then he said good-bye.

I did manage to see him the next day at a workshop he was leaving a class and I was going into one. But he didn't seem even remotely glad to see me, too busy networking with other teachers I think. I kind of don't understand it since on Wednesday he put his arm around me in front of other students and gave me a neck rub. I kind of thought it was because the one girl from his later class was so obviously trying to flirt with him, but then he danced with her a few times and sat at her table on Friday. I don't know, maybe I was too stand-offish on Friday, but a)I'm not his girlfriend to be going up and putting my hands on him whenever I want to and b)I don't know how appropriate it is for me to be doing anything like that around his other students and assistant anyway. Other times I think I come off as way too eager. Rationally, I know that I'm nothing but a convience to him. I just can't help but think that I can do something to get him to care about me more.

Fantasy number two: Me being gone prompts J to realize how much he misses me and he calls me and we start going out for real.

The reality is though that I think nothing will happen and we'll just fade out of each others lives. I know that in a while, a few months all these feelings will fade to and when I do run into him at a social dance or a club we can be friendly. But right now I just want him to want me like I want him.

I went with G to the movies on Sat. we saw Running with Sissors. I felt really bad the whole time. I let him hold my hand on his second or third attempt, and I am sure that he wanted to make out more at the end of the night, but I just couldn't. It isn't fair to him that I sit there and wish I was with someone else. The movie wasn't that great really. It had some funny parts (they're all in the trailer) and a very creepy Joseph Fiennes. But one part really struck me, and I was trying not to let G notice that I started to cry. Auguston asks Natalie about a man and though she doesn't want to say, she breaks down and screams, "He's the only man I ever loved and he doesn't want me any more!" Later she says something along the lines of, "Sometimes we love people know don't deserve it because we have no one else." I don't think I'm that bad off (I'm certainly not a 13 year old talking about a 41 year old man who broke my collar bone), but it touched me.

On the one hand, I don't think that you can help who you end up having feelings for. Emotions are not something you decide to have. But I don't see that J has really done anything to "deserve" my feelings.

I know that all I am doing is talking and thinking myself around in circles. I don't want to give up seeing him, even if it is very infrequently, but at the same time I will never know if he gives even two thoughts about me during he day if I continue to hang around and that is why I think it is good to be moving on to a new job. And then I get freaked out again and think about what I will be missing.

I guess the good news is that even though I'm tempted. I've not given serious consideration to saying no to the job. Because when I isolate it from all my other shit, I think I will like it.