Watching the world fly by

I have been very into two songs lately: Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars"
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?


and Mat Kearny's "Nothing Left to Lose"
come on and we'll sing, like we were free
push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us
come on and we'll try, one last time
I'm off of the floor one more time to find you

and here we go there's nothing left to choose
and here we go there's nothing left to lose

They embody just how I feel and what I want to do right now - Just lie down and let everything run past me. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and wake up when my life makes sense again, when I'm settled and things don't suck as much as they do right now. But then sometimes I feel horribly isolated like life is raging on without me and it doesn't even care that I haven't been included. It seems easier to take if I choose to take myself out of it instead.

All too often I just feel too old for all my usual bullshit. Thirty is not all that far away from me at this point. I'm both chomping at the bit and afraid to have the bridle removed at the same time. School was a safety net and yet it also allowed me to keep an air of being successful. "See I'm going places; I'm getting a second Master Degree." It was also an excuse for being poor and living with my mother and her husband. Now I'm out, I have a crappy job in my field, but I've got one. I earn an entry level wage, but I'm still not doing anything that I consider "adult." Sure, I've still got the excuses...I don't know if I want to stay (but I haven't left yet), I don't know where I might leave too, I don't want to get stuck with a lease if I do move, my mother is out of town most of the year so why bother moving out?

Not that it's just about having my own place. I am getting worse and worse about keeping track of my finances. I used to pay off my credit cards each month in full and on-time. Now I hardly get around to paying them, never mind being in full or on-time. I've stopped keeping track of my income vs. expenditures and I pretty much just buy what I want when I want it w/ out regard to budgeting. If ever do want to move out I'm not going to be able to afford that kind of behavior.

I am in this weird position and I think that if I can get my act together and move out, I might be able to get over it. Staying at home I naturally fall into this mode of living out my teenage years. I take it out on my mother because she's there and it's easy. I seem to be apologizing to her for being snippy as often as I'm being nice. I don't feel like I should have to hide my birth control because the parents won't approve. I don't want to have to give a detailed explanation of where I'm going and who I'm going with and why am I going out 10 minutes after I've gotten home at 8am. Granted the perks are great - my mom does my laundry when I'm too busy and makes me a salad for lunch everyday (secretly I think she just wants reassurance that I eat, and giving me food in her mind equals me eating), I don't have to pay rent or food or utilities. But at the same time I'm too old for this shit. If I don't eat that's my own god damn issue. I'm sick of trying to have quality mother daughter time and have it degenerate into comments on me looking like a teenage boy, or that a size 4 has no hips, or questions about who I'm dating and why I'm not dating other people. It is frustrating to deal with on a daily basis and it just makes me realize that I'm too old for this shit.