At least; and Some other Thinking

I know I know, I don't need to think any more abou this stuff. It's already doing my head in.

But, At Least J is only my bedroom (car?) buddy and I'm not married to the dude (thank god I also always remember my pill...no babies for this girl). I went to True Wife Confessions which I hadn't been to in a while. Wow does it make the single life look good and what I'm dealing with a little on the shallow end of "relationship" woes.

I broke down and Emailed J again. I didn't feel like I should have to. But then I realized, I'm not looking for a long term commitment here, he's never going to be my boyfriend, he's not going to ask me out, so what really is the difference if I play by the "If he's interested, he'll do the work" Rules? I want to get laid. I want him to freakin' sleep with me. It's not rocket science, it's not rose petals and candle light. It's sex. And if I have to do the booty-callin' I freakin' will. I am damn attracted to him, and so what if he knows it.

In fact, I was further thinking, if this does end up ending (it's gettin' mighty cold out there these days) that I don't really regret anything that I've done. It's always what I haven't done that bothers me more. Not stopping and saying hi, not calling, not being more specific about why I'm calling, not being more complimentary in the sack (he's fantastic if you haven't figured that out).

I am wondering about some things though. Monday class was great. J talked to me before class and during class we kept eyeing each other like we knew what was coming the next day. I didn't manage to see him after class. Maybe that's where I erred? Got stood up on Tuesday. And yesterday's class was cold. He didn't say hello when I came in. He did help with a step, but I'm beginning to wonder if it isn't so he can dance with my partner. He wouldn't let me be a follower when she left early and gave me some other girl who was also learning to lead to be my follower. He did't say anything leaving either. Before he would at least say thanks for coming to class. Last night I did see him after class he was talking to a group of people from his class and I walked by. Maybe it wasn't the most mature thing to do. But I can give as good as I get and if he wanted to ignore me I could ignore him too. I didn't walk into class upset or angry with him. I was going to totally play it off because I know he's busy, but then he pulled this guilty boyfriend, "I'll prentend there's nothing here" crap act. And I got pissed.

So maybe emailing was me caving in. Feeling bad for not stopping to talk to him. But at the same time as being pissed, I'm also fairly shy. I didn't know these people, one guy came out of the elevator and the two did the male equivalent of the girly high-pitched scream of recognition (i.e. they seemed to be good friends who hadn't seen each other in a while). So I got my socially awkward ass out of there with out saying hi (or looking his way...I didn't want him to see me with the angry and disapointed look on my face...as if a guy would even notice!). I apologized in my email and made up some excuse as to why I wasn't able to stay.

We'll see if he takes it. More and more though (it has now been a month since our last randeveux) I think he's just lost interest in me. Though my mind boggles at the idea of a guy losing interest in no-strings-attached sex with a cute girl. Unless of course he's found someone he's interested in on a deeper level. Then I'm screwed. 'Cuz when I decided to hop in his backseat that door slammed shut.

I was watching Sex and the City last night. I was never an avid fan, but I kept up enough to know what was what. And I blame tv for telling women (and even some men) to not give up on the "one that got away" or what ever reason the relationship is unrequited. Ross pines for Rachel forever, their on-again-off-again, but they end up together at the end. The whole Monica / Chandler story-line teaches us that something that starts out as sex can naturally grow into a fufilling and life-long relationship complete with wedding, house and babies. That's pure unicorns and fairy-dust if I ever saw it. And just how many times did Mr. Big screw over Carrie Bradshaw (well, I don't know, how many episodes did the show run?), he used her to cheat on his wife for cryin' out loud. But there he is on the last episode rescuing her in Paris as if it were really true love or something. And of course there was the whole Aidan story line where she messes up a good thing to sleep with Big. I don't think I have it in me to stand up G (where supposed to have a date tonight) if J said how about tonight. But I could easily cancel a class, do J and then go on a date with G. I generally spend most of my dates with G wondering why I can't be holding J's hand or cuddling with J. Hell, I was watching Superman and kept comparing him to J. Why do we forsake the nice guys and like the jerks? All the while bemoaning the fact that there are no nice guys to treat us like we deserve?

I could rant about romance novels too. I read some in my younger days where the "hero" basically rapes the "heroine" in the guise of "teaching" her to be a woman/wife/whatever and of course she learns to love him the end and they live happily ever after. No wonder we all equate love with sex. For my own part, my parents had sex to have babies and that's it. Otherwise my entire life they've slept in seperate rooms. Even as a kid I knew this wasn't right and I grew up thinking that I would never be with a guy who didn't want to sleep with me all the time (and yes I do mean sleep with me).

Anyway...thinking thinking and more thinking.

I think I'll go obsess over why I don't have a reply from J in my inbox yet.