There Can't Be Only One and Me, the Green Eyed Monster

I don't believe in soul mates. I never have. I suppose it goes back to my religious upbringing initially. I was raised to believe that man doesn't have an immortal soul. There is no floaty spriritual whats-it residing inside of our fleshy bodies waiting to be let out and float on to some type of netherworld either good or bad.

So if we don't have immortal souls how can we be looking for that one other soul that is the companion to yours? And if the soul is supposedly immortal, isn't the subtext of the "soul mate" that this is the other soul that your soul wants to be with forever, into immortality? Also the underlying implication with soul mates is that There Can Be Only One.

Only one? Out of the billions of people in this world, out of the hundreds or thousands that we come across in our life, you are supposed to pick just one. Not even pick, really. But find, out of all of those people you're supposed to find the single individual that is going to be the epitome of love, acceptance, companionship, trust etc. for you.

It is the single most depressing thing I can think of. It's like searching for a needle in a haystack. But at least then the needle might accidentally lodge into your skin while you're looking. Not so much with a soul mate.

And then there is the idea of finding everything you're looking for (or close enough to be happy) in that one person. I can't confide everything into an anonymous blog, much less anyone who is close to me. Maybe it's my own wacky trust issues, but frankly I don't see how someone that I hold in as high a regard as loving them would be remotely interested in spending eternity with me. It reminds me of the famous quote I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member. There are too many things which I dislike about myself and while I think it's sweet when a guy re-assures me about my hang-ups, in the back of my mind I think they're either lying, blind, or stupid.

I am actually of the belief that there are any number of people in this world at any given time who would make a suitable companion. It all depends on where you are in life really. For instance, if you meet your soul mate when you are 12 chances are you're not going to make it through the long haul, because people change way too much as they get older. Or during a mid-life crisis, when things settle down that soul mate might not be looking like such a great idea. But if they really are your soul mate, and no will ever be the other half to you the way they are (my other problem with soul mates and that stupid movie Jerry McGuire) then you're doomed to unhappiness regardless.

But if we accept the fact that there is no single perfect match for us and instead there are any number of perfect, adequate, and good matches for us suddenly our chances of finding happiness with a companion at any given time in our life get alot better. And if it doesn't work out with your high school sweetheart, once you've matured a little you'll find the next great match, and the next until maybe you're settled completely and pick just one great match that you commit to forever (hopefully, but probably not).

L once told me that my theory sounds horribly depressing...but I think of it like the Lottery. You don't just buy one ticket and pick one number in the hopes of striking it rich. You buy a few tickets and a bunch of numbers, because then if you get even one right, you've gotten lucky. What does L know anyway? He expressed the wish for a girlfriend to do everything with and I think that is the most stulifying existence to wish for. A girl needs her girlfriends, her sisters, her family, her guy friends, her classmates, her co-workers, her work-out buddy, her lover, her help-mate, her companion, her confidant etc etc etc. Granted it would be great to have a partner that was most of those things, but lets face it, there is just no way for one person to be it all. (L later used my comment to try to insinuate himself into the role of lover; hmm...can we say hypocrite? he doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants a booty call. Sorry, L I got one of those arleady and he's far superior.)

Granted all of this itself sounds rather hypocritical coming from me, considering how badly I want J to want me as more than a sex object, but I'd settle for him wanting me more. As long as it wasn't these 3 week stretches of me trying to guess if it's a busy dry spell or the beginning of the end. I wish I could just be happy with what I do get, not that I want to "settle," I just wish I could be realistic. I had a bad night last night...one of those days when I thought something would happen with J and nothing did. Worse, it was beyond nothing. I got stuck leading in class again, he said he appreciated me coming, and then nothing. I tried to wait after class to walk out with him at the least, but that didn't work. I got the impression that he was avoiding me. I don't know if it's him trying to play it cool. It would not do well let other students/staff at the gym to know about us, but at the same time why can't friends walk out together. I feel like I'm back to the summer when I was crushing on him and not knowing what was going to happen if anything, going to class all of the time just to dance with and be near him (though now I don't get to dance with him).

There is a girl in class who is beautiful, and she's really sexy. She belly dances already so she's naturally got the super sexy hip swing going on when she dances. The hip swing I'm still working on. She was my partner for class, next to her I have the body of a 14 year old boy (but with a bit more hip). It doesn't help that I wear a sports bra because I go straight to weights class after. Maybe if I hadn't been faced with that all class and then not gotten a chance to talk to J I wouldn't have been quite so depressed. She's very conservative, she won't be his demonstration partner, because he'll actually grab and move your leg, hip, or arms where they should be if you're doing it wrong. It was one thing that I liked about the summer class. She actually left last week because of it. Secretly I hoped she wouldn't come back to class at all, but there she was yesterday. I have a feeling that alot of the ladies in the class come for the dance and keep coming back for J. This girl in particular, was always aware of when he was around, "oh here he comes, he's watching us" even if he wasn't watching us and just happened to be near us. I know how that felt, when I messed up every time he'd pull me into a close hold or come over and watch my technique. Part of it is having the hots for him and the other is the fact that he's the teacher. In trying to hard to be good in front of the instructor invariably you mess up. But I find it annoying to. On the one hand, I know I'm just being jealous. I feel like he ignores me during class. The one time I wasn't leading the guy I was with kept nearly taking my arm off or knocking me in the head turning because he wasn't getting his arm up high enough and not once did J come over and correct it. I know he's got alot of couples to keep an eye on, but I feel like he's avoiding me. It makes me want to return the favor and stop going to his class. But that wouldn't get me anywhere.