Some Answers For You

A response to Cruel Virgin's Post.

1. What is your definition of a good friend? Somebody who is there for you no matter what. Some one nonjudgmental even if you're on different pages with some issues. Some you can call in the middle of the night and know that they'll answer.

2. How many good friends do you have? Three-ish. I don't know that they meet those qualifications (I have a blog for that very reason--I'm not about to tell them the stuff I really get up to). But they are the people outside of my blood relatives that I still like to stay in contact with, like to hang out with when they're in town, will call while I'm stuck in a traffic jam, and who's weddings I stood up in.

3. Why are romantic relationships so important? I can't remember where I read/heard it, but I liked the sentiment-- So that we have a witness to our lives. We don't want to get to the end and realize that all we did just floats out into nothingness, but was witnessed by someone else, shared with someone else and was meaningful because of that.

4. Why is there so much divorce in the West? I think that we place too much emphasis on love, on soul mates, on weddings being the happiest day of your life and have forgotten about the commitment and work required to sustain a marriage. Someone I like and respect at work once said that rather than a commitment for life marriage was a commitment that had to be renewed everyday. I also think that society still place so much emphasis on the importance of just being married because that is what we are "supposed" to do that some enter into it with out the full realization of the work and hardships involved. (All of this is not to say that there aren't lots of acceptable reasons for getting a divorce.)

5. Why do some of us get into relationships, be they friendship or romantic, that will only lead to terrible pain? Sometimes I think we believe it is worth it. At least, I have. I had a boyfriend and I knew that we were only going to be together for the length of me getting my degree. We had broken up and gotten back together knowing full well that 6 months later it would be over again. An acquaintance of mine (who I didn't like to begin with) said that I was wasting my time (it goes back to the whole "gotta find a husband") and I totally disagreed with her. Was I just delaying the inevitable? yes. Was I just postponing my heartbreak? yes. Do I regret it? No. I was in love and I wanted to be with someone for as long as I could regardless of the bad ending. One doesn't break it off with a loved one when they get a terminal disease because you know it will end badly, you just treasure the time you have together.

And then there are the destructive, abusive relationships that people have because they think they don't deserve better, or there isn't anything better out there, or that they can "change" the person. All total and complete falsehoods that people the world over will forever be in denial about.

6. Why are there people who are mental hurricanes; they leave a trail of disaster from the starting point of their storm and they feel no guilt whatsoever for what they have done? I've never met a person like that. Generally it's me creating a disaster in my mind. I over react to the actions of others as they pertain to me (e.g. I left my purse at a train-station, I calmly told my ride I'd be a few extra minutes and I went to lost and found and got it, called the right numbers to make sure nothing was stolen; Someone I know doesn't say hi to me and I think the world is over)

7. Are people basically good or evil? The christian viewpoint says that we were made in god's image and therefore we must be good. But having seen Superman recently, I keep thinking of Jor-El's comment about the human race having a great capacity for good and we just need someone to show us how. If we have the capacity for goodness, then we must not be inherently good. Personally, I believe we are neither good nor evil in nature. It is only our individual consciences, our choices and behaviors which define us as individuals who are good or evil.

8. After marital rows (fights), do you have great sex? I'm not married, nor have I ever been. I've also been in relatively few relationships. I've had great Ex-Sex, I've had great make-up sex after getting back together with the boyfriend from question #5 which would be the closest thing. I also never really fought much with my boyfriends. I learned from my mother (who learned from her mother) how to be a very good martyr. I mope, I pout, I know how to make people feel guilty, and I hold a grudge - I don't see good post-fight sex coming from that.

9. Are Extra-marital affairs bad or acceptable? I I think it's wrong for the married person, and I think it's wrong of a single person sleeping with that married person. Maybe I should go back and add to question #4 that we don't have enough of a respect for marriage vows. It is a commitment to a single person for the rest of your life and that includes your body. This is probably why I will never get married, I can't imagine being satisfied by a single partner until the end of time. I wouldn't have the same dinner every night into eternity. But if I did get married I wouldn't cheat. And yet....I was thinking about my current physical relationship and if I would still sleep with him if he was married. Maybe I should have not thought of it directly after being with him, because I couldn't imagine that stopping me. (Maybe I'm just over sexed.)
Of course there is the whole sub-set of "open marriages" where people who are married have the consent of their spouse to have sex with other people. I'm not sure what I feel about that. Maybe I'm just hanging on to my conservative upbringing, but I think that that type of relationship could cause some strife eventually. But at the same time, if both parties are genuinely fine with the arrangement and it works for them, who am I to judge.

10. Should you have kids? I don't believe in "should" (for most things...I still believe that I should be living on my own at my age) You should go to college, should get married, should have kids, should be a stay at home mom, should be happy with it. Blech. Life is too short to do only what you "should." Too many people in this world are miserable parents because they had kids for the sake of "should." But by all means, if somebody wants nothing more in the world than to be a parent, they "should" go for it.