Perfidia

He's just a boy and he's not thinking about you. Six months ago you didn't know he existed. He's just a boy and he's not thinking about you. Six months ago you didn't know he existed. He's just a boy and he's not thinking about you. Six months ago you didn't know he existed. He's just a boy and he's not thinking about you. Six months ago you didn't know he existed.

I've decided for that to be my mantra to keep me in perspective. I came up with it last night after rejecting this one:

Fuck you, you fucking bastard. Don't think I don't know how it starts. You god-damned jackass.

That one is more angry and less therapeutic.

Yesterday started okay. I had a soul sucking meeting and then I got to announce to my office that I was leaving. My boss sent out a system wide email and I have gotten some very nice congratulatory emails.

My thoughts were that after missing each other on Friday that I'd wait for J after class and we'd get together then. When I got to the gym I realized I had forgotten some of my work-out clothes and had to wear my work clothes to dance class. I was wearing a nice flowy skirt because we had warmish fall weather and it made for good spins even if I wasn't wearing shorts under it. Anyway...I got there early and J danced with me showing me a move he learned in a workshop class over the weekend (when I ran into him leaving). It was very cool, even if he couldn't remember all of it and I wasn't so great with it being complicated and new. Though he did pull the "I have to stop" shit again. I can not figure out why he does that. (It's too much to hope that he gets turned on when we dance). He watched me show him some styling I had learned in the class I took. I also ended up being the odd wheel in class with no partner so I danced with him for the first half. But then another person showed up and I had to lead.

With out my work-out clothes I had to skip weights class and J said I could check out his 5:30, they need leaders (damn!). So I did. It wasn't too bad. Though my partner wanted to watch everyone else instead of dance and they are a couple of weeks behind the earlier class. He used me to demonstrate a new move which reminded me of the summer class when he would do that because he and I would stay late to dance so he could come up with moves for class. I get sad thinking about the summer. It was so good. He and I would flirt and dance. Even after we started sleeping together the rest of the summer was still that way. I try so hard to blame the change on him being so busy with the semester. He must be working 80 hrs a week with all of his jobs, if not more, because of student teaching. But, deep down I know that if he were interested he would let me know.

I really thought I was going to get to leave with him after that class. If nothing else I haven't gotten to tell him that I have a new job in two weeks and might not be around any more. My feet were killing me I went dancing 4 days in a row and I wouldn't have gone to the second class if I thought he was going to avoid me. Towards the end of class - last 7 or 10 minutes a girl comes in the connecting door (to the other studio) waits in the doorway until J says she can come in. He calls for a switch in partners and instead of taking the next student in line he starts dancing with her. She had some good footwork so she obviously dances, but her partner work didn't impress me (oh and I was jealous-it didn't help that my partner didn't want to dance but watch them and kept saying how good they were). He only danced like 1/3 of a song, and took the student. I thought that the girl just stopped in from the class next door, but no she sat down at the front by J and waited. Then as he let us leave he turns to her and says "Let me just make sure the room is free." That is when my heart dropped to the floor and got trampled on. He stayed there and danced with her. Like he used to do with me. That is the same studio that he first kissed me in. That is the same studio we had sex in once. Granted there are a ton of explanations. It could have been a private lesson, it could have been a preview lesson, I know he's done those for people. But really, who am I kidding. Sure I am jumping to conclusions that he is replacing me, but I don't see why it couldn't start innocent enough and go that way. What is that the Dr. Phil always says? "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you." He's talking about cheaters, but I think it applies here.

I was so close to turning into a stalker and seeing when he left, but lucky me I have some self respect left. It's not much, after all I am willing to be a convenience fuck for some guy in the back of a car. (God, I hate myself!)

At the very least I want a chance to tell him that I got a new job that may not allow me to take his classes. I think that I will have a better idea of what to do about this if I can tell him in person. It isn't something I want to email. Although I was thinking I might just lump in a mass email and do it that way, if I have do it by email I think that is the way to go. But, I always end up emailing him more often than he emails me.

I don't want to hate him. While I sometimes think that I must come across as a love-sick twelve-year-old who's eager to please and get attention, I do believe that he doesn't realize how I feel. How I really feel about him. There was nothing about our arrangement to ever suggest that we had to care about each other. It isn't his fault I fell into the girl trap of falling for someone you have casual sex with.

"Perfidia is one good-bye." I am not making anymore effort. I am sick of feeling like shit because he doesn't care about me. I didn't know he existed 6 months ago, in 6 months I'll be over him. He can't be the only hot latin dancer right? Maybe I should give Mario Lopez a call.