It's been awhile

Well, I did it. I had the XX call me over the weekend. I wanted to talk to him and get clear just what he meant when he said he hadn't gotten over me and wanted to visit to see where things could go.

It's weird. I have no hope with J. If it wasn't abundantly clear before it is becoming so. I moved into a new place and he tells me he has to grade papers. Huh? Now, I realize that not every man out there is a total horn dog taking every opportunity to get laid by any willing girl. But I'm a little shocked that a 25 year old isn't jumping at the chance for commitment free sex. It really boggles my mind. Unless I'm totally short changing him and he's deeper than I think. But all evidence points to the contrary.

Anyway, with the hopes of my crush being, well, crushed slowly but surely, I told the XX to come visit over Christmas (or should I say X-mas?). I told him point blank that for 4 years (3 since we last saw each other, the break up was a year before that) I have had it in my mind that he didn't want me. I realized that our differing citizenship only compounded the difficulties in keeping the relationship going, but he never once said, "I can't marry you to keep you in my country, but I love you and I want us to figure something out." He just said, "we aren't headed for marriage and we shouldn't just so you can stay, so it's over." It makes me angry that he's wasted 4 years. I know why he did. His situation was an unhappy one that didn't facilitate a long distance relationship. But I could have done something. I could have gotten my advanced degree over there. I looked into it, but I didn't want to be the girl that chases the man who doesn't want her. I wasn't going to go over there thinking proximity would make a difference only to end up in a foreign country alone and regretting my decision. I also resented the fact that I was the one who had to make the effort to do something to keep us together.

But now he is making the effort. He loves me. I can't just turn my back on that. I may not be able to guarantee that I will end up falling in love with him again, I have to give this a chance.

He's not 25. He's not a hot latin dancer. But he loves me. He's willing to come across an ocean to be with me and that counts for alot.

I am afraid that my will power with J is non-existant though. I don't want to cheat if XX and decide to try the long distance relationship this time. Although he has not said that he wants to, the XX does claim that his intentions are honorable. How ironic would it be though...the XX comes all the way over an ocean to have sex with me and I can't get J to come up in an elevator.

I'm afraid that I want my cake and to eat it too. I enjoy the freedom of being single going where I want when I want not worrying if the SO is interested. But I miss the companionship of an SO, that person who is there for you to listen to hang out to snuggle with. Not that you can hang out and snuggle in the L-D-R.

A part of me wishes that 6 months ago the XX had called up and said move to London. I might have gone. Maybe not though. That is when I met J. I like the fluttery excited feeling I get with J. Sometimes I kick myself because I forget what's on my mind and what I want to say to him because my nerves get to me. But the XX has that warm comfortable cuddly feeling around him. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that I love J.

On class on Monday only 4 people came. Two couples. So we were just dancing and J would call switch every once in a while. Then about 1/2 way he cuts the music and says he'll teach us a move. He picks a dip because he knows that the one guy, my partner (for the most part) wants to learn a dip. I was hoping he was going to teach an easy one like a side dip, but no. J teaches the ultra slow and sexy front dip. It is the same dip he did the first time he ever kissed me. It was fun demonstrating it with him. I was getting very turned on and I was sure that he'd come home with me afterward. I was less than pleased to have to practice the dip with the other guy. For one the other guy leads like he's trying to get a donkey to budge. I feel like my arms are going to pop out of their sockets. Other Guy also can't keep the beat and ends up on the wrong foot which throws me off and he thinks it's my fault. He's kind of yucky and I didn't want his hands on me. But there you go, that's what you get when you take lessons. OG just kept doing the dip over and over again. He wasn't doing it exactly right, which I was grateful for for once. He wasn't getting super close and intimate about it although there were a few times when he would grab me so hard I thought I was going to find bruises. OG also has a habit of grabbing my wrist instead of my hand to lead me. Which I find uber-rude. It's about leading a partner not forcing them to do what you want. J would take me away sometimes and demonstrate again how it should be done, all slow and close and sexy. I was understandably disappointed that after getting me all hot and bothered J said he had to go grade papers. Wednesday he cancelled class. It's been 2 months! 2 months! since we were last together. No wonder I'm considering moving on to the XX and the overseas relationship. I'd probably get some a little more often!

Speaking of dance partners:
I went out on Saturday after moving my stuff into my new place. A dance lesson and then an open dance. Guess who showed up? L! He said hi and we danced part of a song during the lesson during a partner switch, but he danced one song during the open dance before leaving. I wish I didn't think that I scared him away. But part of me thinks I did.