Wednesday December 13

I've never been that girl. the girl that sleeps around. not that it's really anyone's business, but I just never understood the Sex in the City attitude toward se. I've slept with my boyfrieds and again when they were my exes. Until recently, that is.

I did call J last night when I got home from work. I really needed my sleep, but after the one quick call at work I started getting excited to see him. So he came over and I showed him my apartment. I have to say that it was weird at first. Not having him there, just being with him. I kept thinking to myself this is only sex and wondering why I was doing it. But then he said my name and I kind of melted. Lying there with him was a little weird at first. In the car we'd always lounged and talked afterward (when he had the time to stick around). I guess I was waiting for him to say, well gotta run. But he didn't and he held me.

At one point he did ask me if I'd been behaving myself. At first I thought he was asking if I'd been with anyone else. For all he knows I do sleep around. I sleep with him after all. I've stayed on the pill all this time. But in retrospect I don't think he was asking that at all. We have joked about masturbating in the past. I told him that I was indeed behaving myself. But, really I haven't. I have the XX coming to visit. I was with the XX a month ago. I am stuck in this akward position now. I don't want to sleep with the XX when he comes in a couple of weeks, but I think that he's expecting it. He is traveling across an ocean to see me, to tell me he still loves me and see if I can't love him back. I didn't even really want to sleep with the XX when I saw him last month. I was angry with J. I was angry with myself for my feelings for J and I went to see the XX in an attempt to drown out those feelings.

Well, J didn't run off like I had expected. It was actually quite nice, considering it had been two months since we were last together. When he finally did say that he had to go he got dressed, I put on a shirt and walked him to the door. He kept kissing me good-bye. Every time he would go to leave he'd kiss me again. And not just a see you later peck, but super intense, hard, pulling me close like he didn't want to leave kind of kisses. It was all I could do not to ask him to stay longer.

I was basically euphoric after closing the door behind him. I got out my phone to text him and thought better of it. Instead I went to sleep on my euphoric high and texted him in the morning. I don't really know what I was trying to accomplish with that. I just wanted him to know that I was glad we had finally gotten together and I hoped that it wouldn't be so long before the next time. I'm kicking myself now, but there you go.