"Well Meaning" Translates to Meddling

"I taught J to cha cha and he really likes it." Remind me again why I invited Summer Class Girl to go dancing with me? She wasn't going to go, but I thought it would be fun and all I get for it is that statement. In my head I replied "Yeah, well I fucked 5 days ago...you?"

The upside...she was very into some other guys there getting and giving numbers. Which means she must not be seriously into J.

But...the real story. I got trapped by this guy at the dance I went to last night. Not that he wasn't nice, but I wasn't there to talk (and trying to talk over the music just gave me sore throat) I was there to dance. The guy was nice enough, Spanish from Spain, and we chatted. I finally asked him to dance so that I could have an excuse to end the conversation. He kept wanting me to answer questions about myself and I just didn't want to talk. He invited me to a New Years party and gave me his card. He asked for mine, but I said I didn't have one. Even if I had one on me, it's for work.

So I stop at my mother's to pick up some mail, I had a college's friend's Christmas party invite in the pile so I was glad I went. I'm just mentioning that I got a break from dancing because this guy wouldn't stop talking to me. And suddenly my mom is all "What is he like? What's he look like? Why didn't you give him your number? Aren't you going to go out with him?" Ummmm...no.

The sad thing is that if it were only my mom I could understand, but everywhere I look someone is trying to hook me up with guys. What is it about a single girl that screams to those around her "Help the poor soul, she's man-less."

It's frustrating because I can't say that I have a man, of sorts. Or that if I were to go out with anyone I would want it to be him. Because according to everyone around me I'm "not like that." My mother thinks that I'm "not into sex." Her words I swear! It is difficult trying to live up to a certain image for other people. It sucks that I feel I have to. If it weren't that it would ruin J's life, and that I know better, I'd almost wish I'd get pregnant so I can show them all that I'm not perfect, I'm not virginal, and my values are not their values. It would force me to stop pretending.

I pretend to be "good" for my family. I pretend to know what I'm doing and that I'm settling in at work for my boss and coworkers. I pretend to have it all together for my friends because they're pretending to have it all together. I pretend to be cool and casual with J. I'm just plain hiding things from my XX. I have one brother, the eldest, who I think can see through my bull-shit, not that either of us would actually talk about any of the things I do. It's just little things he'll say and then let pass.

I stayed at work too long. I've been expecting J to call today like he said would. But he's not going to. I was going to go work out over half an hour ago. All I really want to do is sit here surf blogs, or watch a movie and eat. I've been stuffing my face lately. It's horrible. I ate from the vending machine three times today - trail mix, a candy bar, pretzels and a coke (those last two were on the same trip). That is on top of the PB & J and apple I had for breakfast and the salad, cous-cous, and "chick'n" pattie I had for lunch. I feel disgusting, but I can't seem to motivate myself to eat better.

We are having a breakfast meeting at work tomorrow. There is going to be tons of food there. I know this, but I'm still typing and not walking to the gym. I am dying for Indian food. A friend of mine and I keep saying that we will go one of these days but we don't. I read a bunch of recipes for black beans and sweet potatoes today at work and I want those too. It's terrible. I must stop.

I must go run and then sleep.

They are turning off our hot water at 6 am tomorrow. 6! Which means getting up an hour and a half early in order to shower tomorrow.