Guilt of the Soulless

Two weeks ago today I was putting my cat to sleep. I was called at work after I had dropped her off at the vet for exploratory surgery and told that the most humane thing I could do for her was to let her go.

Since then I've cried alot. Any night I wasn't with MM I cried myself to sleep. The only times I wasn't morosely sad was when I was with him. I felt immense sorrow, but also guilt. I keep thinking that I should have done something sooner (though she'd be gone sooner), that I should have spent more time at home with her, that I wasn't a good "mom."

It's said that a cat is the soul of a home. And I felt soulless. I made up errands and spent hours out of the house just so that I wouldn't go home to it empty. Every single time I opened the garage door I would feel my throat swell, and my eyes get wet. By the time I was in the house I headed for the bed and sobbed. I am heart broken with out her.

On saturday I was at my local humane shelter. I'd been going to different ones since tuesday because I found all of the cats comforting. I didn't want to be ready to adopt another one. Adopting another cat would just mean that I didn't love Babette as much as I did. And yet, I left on saturday with two kittens.

Now I feel guilty, not only about abandoning the memory of the cat I had for 13+ years, but I adopted to adorable kittens and not a full grown cat or two who areless likely to be adopted. I always said I was going to find the ugliest, least likely to be taken home cat and adopt him/her after I lost mine. But instead I am taking care of two 1 1/2 pound balls of fluff.

I keep asking myself what I was thinking? What did I get myself into? One has a URI and needs medicine daily and though separated it seems as though the other has caught it because she's sneezing. I fear that I am going to have gotten them only to lose them as well.

Spending time with them keeps me distracted. It gets me going home again. I cleaned the entire kitchen, master suite and den. Not only for them, but because they required so much care that I couldn't go to MM's for the day I had to have him come to me. He was entirely supportive of my grief and let me stay over often. He was gone over the weekend, and I wonder if that didn't have something to do with my spontaneous decision. Ever since our talk and the party at his parents we seem to be closer. Because he was out of town not only did I have the extra time to go looking for a cat, but I was missing the companionship.

But now I have them. Feeling guilty or not, I am responsible for these little guys. I hope that I do right by them.