"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things"

MM and I finally had our talk.

He invited me to his family's party and then I found out that he was leaving early and riding down on his motorcycle. I found all of this out as we were sitting with friends of his. MM offered to come back the night before the party and pick me up. What he didn't tell me was that the night before is "guys" night w/ his dad, his dad's friends, and his friends drinking and smoking cigars.

Eventually we came up with the plan that he would ride down on his motorcycle early in the week and then I would drive his truck down to his parents so that he could load it up with stuff. The same day we decide this he talks to his mom who didn't realize MM was planning on coming down so early in the week and had assumed that since he had class Wed nights he wouldn't be down until the Thursday before. That night after we had figured things out and then he talks to his mom, MM tells me that he has decided to take the motorcycle down on Tuesday, come back for class on Wed and then take the truck himself on Thursday. At which point I got severely ticked off.

Now, obviously, whatever I drive there and back I am driving alone, so what's the big deal if it's his truck or my car. It's not the gas 'cuz I'd fill his truck myself anyway. It might be the miles on my car, but I doubt it. MM made this point - I was not upset about the car so what was I so upset about?

I was upset that he invited me in a manner that suggested I was a guest like no other, never told me that I was not going with him (until I commented on his remark to his friend), and then didn't seem to care that we made a plan that I was finally happy with. I'm pissed with him for buying a new climbing harness for a trip to South America with his guy friends over his birthday, but hasn't bothered to get a second helmet for me to ride his motorcycle with him. I told him that I was feeling like an afterthought. Like I was not really at all important to him.

Our talk started off with him apologizing and saying he'd try harder. But he also said that he was intentionally keeping me at arms length. He says he can't make me any promises. I was pretty upset, not because I'm expecting a ring and marriage (or even want that right now), but because the way he said that makes me wonder if he plans on ever getting close to me and allowing me to get close to him. He talked about my "timeline" saying that he understands of if it doesn't match his. Huh? did my boyfriend just say he'd understand if I wanted to break up with him because he wants to move slower?

Nothing got resolved. I cried some. Asked alot of questions. I woke up the next morning feeling like shit. I still can't figure it out. He's asked me to come to this family party, he told me he would try harder to make me not feel like an after thought. He said he was sorry about his thoughtless comment re: you should look for jobs out of state. I have to get better about speaking up - I should have said something right then, but thought his comment was symptomatic of something bigger. And yet he said more than once that he is keeping me at arms length on purpose because of his past and because he gets too close to people too quickly.

I asked him how he feels about me which was "I care about you" and then a whole load of compliments. I also asked him if this was a serious relationship for him and he said yes, but again he couldn't guarantee me anything. He said he's not dating anyone else, but I already knew that and it doesn't really mean anything to me at this point anyway. Just because he's not dating someone else doesn't mean that I'm not just a weigh station before finding someone he does want to make promises too. Although he claims to not be 'broken' when I said that I didn't want to be the girl that fixes him for someone else, despite the fact that he blames this 'arms length' on being burned in the past.

So all that was really accomplished is that my suspicions were confirmed. He has a toe in the water, but isn't ready to get wet.

The only question is how long do I spend waiting him out before finally giving up?