Weekend Rollercoaster

Saturday I was pretty bummed. I was feeling very down about myself. Mostly physically. for all I said in my saturday secrets post two weeks ago. I hate my legs from my navel to my knees. I'm a fucking size 2 and I still can't get over how fat my thighs and ass are. I know that in alot of ways that just makes me female. But it is also pretty sickening. I look around at girls 2 and 3 times my size wearing really tight pants for all the world like they've got a perfect body and they look good. So why can I not where a pair of jazz pants with out something that covers my 'saddle bags'?

That is where my obsession with BMG comes from. I don't think she's got a perfect body. I think she's got the body of a teen-age boy with an A-cup. It's the fact that she can put on tight pants and crop top then walk around the place like she's the sexiest thing on two legs. It's this air she gives off more than anything.

But I'm starting to re-evaluate my opinion of her. More on that later

Saturday I managed to go out dancing. I have these new jazz pants. I couldn't bring myself to buy the small which were too tight through the thigh - I got medium, but I wore those with a camisole top that sort of flares out and hits me just below the waist (you know, to detract from my thighs - sigh). But, the important thing was I had a good time dancing even though it was a very small crowd.

And Sunday was a good day. I convinced a girl from work to come with me to the dance that evening and I had a pretty productive day. I did every stitch of laundry I could find, finished some alterations I'd been meaning to do on some clothes and started a new sewing project.

My original plan, because I wasn't sure if J was going to show or not. Was to wear my new jazz pants (I washed them!) and a little top I have that is backless, mesh front over a red bandeau with fringe that hangs over the tummy. Truly I was going to wear this, despite my hang-ups. But I didn't. I found a much better option and I'm going to save it for a club.

I went to the mall to try to find some pants for work. About a month ago I picked an awesome pair of black pants that I love and if I had had the forethought I would have picked up two or more pairs. I didn't find them, but I found a pair of capris - tight from hips to knee - like workout pants or jazz pants. $15 so I bought them. Then I proceeded to find a great top that had flowy 1/2 length sleeves, a big black ribbon that ties under the bust, and it was longish - about mid-thigh, and just flowy enough away from the body. With my black dancing shoes, and my hair done - I felt hot. Something about those tight capris. I'm so glad I bought them.

But the important thing is that I had the BEST time. I was so on form with my dancing. I was grooving to the music, I was adding in a little styling with tiny kicks, and my arms. I'm not 100% comfortable with it yet. But the time off I took did wonders because now I'm back with a vengeance and I know it's because I love it.

BMG was there. She was with the same guy and girl from Thursday and they were all matching! I swear to god - the three of them come in all in white pants (BMG in tight crop pants - nice ones, not her usual jazz pants) and black t-shirts. BMG was still BMG - her shirt hovered above her waistband and as the night wore one she tucked it up under her bra so it was more like a crop top. (I'm laughing as I write that - just wear a damn crop top to start with!!!) It was also just hysterical that they matched. I mean really. Are they related? Is it some kind of freakish three way concubinish open relationship polygamy thing? Because there is this one picture from two weeks ago where the dude is next to the other girl and BMG. He has his arm stretched all the way past girl #2 and is touching BMG. It is the oddest thing.

BMG danced with that guy alot and the other guy also from thursday night - not the one she came with. I found those two interesting to watch too. On thursday on more than one occasion on the dance floor she'd say "stop that, you're so mean" which I took to just be playful or flirtatious. But last night they seemed to actually be arguing on the dance floor and I once I heard an angry-ish "well what do you want me to do?" from her. It gives me evil glee. But she must like him, or like dancing with him or something 'cuz they're always 3 or 4 songs together.

She seemed to not be going for the casual look so much this time either. Not the I put on a pair of earrings, jazz pants and a shirt and go. No. She straightened her hair, had leopard print shoes, and wasn't committing the fashion faux pax of a black bra under a white shirt. So maybe she really likes that guy - who knows.

I saw her dance once with an old guy and once with a young guy who comes but can't dance. I don't know why he doesn't take a lesson, but whatever he's probably just trying to pick up chicks. The look on her face was priceless. I'm beginning to think she's a little arrogant. I've danced with the young guy before too. It's hard. He's not on beat, he doesn't do the steps right. But I'm always nice about it. I mess up with more experienced dancers too. She was stoney faced. And with the old guy after about 2 minutes she walked away from him. I don't know if he stepped on her or what, but she looked pissed off. I mean, come on, the guy was old give him a break. And I remember pictures of her from the workshops where she spent the whole time with J. She's with this other partner - not an attractive guy with a huge mole on his face that makes Enrique Iglesias's look like a beauty spot - they're both looking at the camera and she's not smiling. There are 3 of these pictures so she couldn't have been taken by suprise. Instead it looks like the last thing she wants is proof that she danced with him.

So yeah, my opinion of her has sunk way, way low. Even tho I'm a little miffed that her ass would look good in white pants. I think I can now stop being ruled by my hatred of her. I think she's just undeserving of it. She seems more arrogant and shallow than I first thought. I vow to no longer compare myself to her. In all the ways it counts I am a much better person.

Also...all of this observation was interspersed through 4 hours of dancing. I wasn't watching her the whole night. I danced until my feet ached an then kept dancing. I left at the end when I thought it might feel better to just cut my toes off. I got a huge number of compliments from a bunch of guys that I think are great dancers. And I am sure that I saw my picture being taken for the website at least twice. YAY! I'm sick of trying to find myself in the background.